My story is like so many others on here. ADHD spouse who is unreliable, lies, is a financial mess and never takes responsibility for his actions.
The most recent is that he drove our car for a year with an expired license and no insurance. WHY?! Because he missed an appointment to go to the next level with his license and he needed to start over so he instead just kept driving our children every day for a year. Till the police pulled him over for an expired sticker and he was discovered to also not have a proper license or insurance.
This is the tip of the iceberg of many fucked up lies that and behavior to c cover-up his inability to manage his life. He has stolen cheques from me and forged my signature to pay rent when he had no money. He has not invoiced for months at a time when working freelance to the point of having no money. He took money from me to buy a car then said that car was stolen, but it never existed. He even once said he was getting treated for his ADHD but turned out he made up a therapist and was taking vitamins instead of meds.
He has not had a proper job in years and years. When the kids were in school I was forced to go back to work instead of him because he had no capacity to get a good job and didn't even try. By the way the kids are now going into gr 1 and he still at best has temporary and spotty employment. I have a very good government job and have been the main earner in our relationship since always.
I pay the majority of our expenses and only ask him for half the mortgage every month. He often at the very last second will say he doesn't have the money, or will only give me part of it. He never warns me so I am often scrambling to pay for things.
We own a house which I paid for, we own a care which I paid for. He never even has more than a hundred dollars in the bank. And he actually is completely unappreciative of these things. He constantly talks about how he does not want the responsibility and shows zero gratitude.
I am angry and bitter. And I scream constantly but nothing wakes him up! I recently had an emotional affair with an ex that lives far away and has his own family and my spouse suspected me and took my phone and read everything. That ex got freaked out that my spouse would tell his wife so he has now apruptly cut me off which hurts. I am mourning the loss of that relationship because at least it was a lovely distraction and something to look forward to. But even this is not enough to wake my partner up.
He won't even write in an agenda. Or do things to manage his ADHD. I bought him the ADHD and marriage book years ago and he won't read it. And when I get angry he says 'I am trying'. How is he trying?! I have zero attraction to him and I am depressed and just cut off.
I've been trying to just focus on myself and what I need but it is so hard to not get dragged down by the constand financial stress my partner puts on me and our family. And his constant lies are devastating. How can I ever hope for happines when he is completely unwilling to take any action to make it better?
You can't change him
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hello Can't,
I very much understand your frustration. If you read my previous posts you will see that I had an 11 year relationship with a guy just like this when it came to finances and boundaries, like getting into my bank account and hacking my email. He had anger problems too. I don't know if you have to endure that kind of chronic anger, moodiness, and never being satisfied attitude in your guy as well, but it sucks. The only way I felt better was to kick my X out because he didn't want to take responsibility for his illness. He blamed Everything else in his life on me, and after almost 3 years of being estranged from him, and now happily married to someone else, I still have to clean up the consequences in my life of X's financially disastrous decisions. I know you have children, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your and your children's quality of life living with this. You need to seriously ask yourself why you are staying. The problem behaviors usually get worse with age. So many well-intentioned non's on this forum want to hang in there, while unconsciously "normalizing" an abnormal environment for them and their children, doing all of the work, cleaning up all of the messes, sacrificing their happiness, while the other partner is only concerned with himself.
I feel so trapped
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
I am trying to develop an escape plan. Yes I have cleaned up so many financial messes. I do everything to support him, and try and get him help. And still he blames me for all his problems. Its always about my anger. How can a person not be angry after a decade of this crap. We actually have two small children and he literally says my anger is damaging them and does not think any of his behavior matters at all. Meanwhile my father has given him money to pay off his old debts, as given him money for a car that never existed. It is literally like living a nightmare everyday waiting for the next crisis.
Yeah I know
Submitted by sickandtired on
Your anger may very well be affecting your children, but his perpetual lack of doing anything constructive is a really negative role model for them, but he blames you because you're angry. Been there, done that. He's trying to shift the focus on to you, because blaming others seems to be his best coping skill, if you want to call that coping. I feel for you. I got sooo tired of being taken for granted, being expected to make excuses for him, paying for thousands of dollars of cosmetic dental work for him, so he might feel more confident in an interview, and maybe, just maybe.....get a fucking JOB!!!
I'm glad you're working on an exit strategy. Sounds like you will have the support of your family, so that's a start.
It's about impossible to not be angry...Unless!
Submitted by c ur self on
When a spouse lives irresponsible to most every aspect of life (except for their own self entertainment) ....Then it's difficult to not grow resentful, angry, even bitter...Why does it happen? It happens because we can't have what we WANT, what we EXPECTED, and what we were deceived to believe we were getting in many cases...Someone who was going to be loving, mature and responsible...Someone who would at least OWN their actions and behaviors w/o excuse....
But not so for many of us...So we point it out, and ask for change...Please own your responsibilities in this marriage we say?? But nothing changes, so we get angry!
So how do you live in the same house with a spouse who isn't going to be responsible, and shows us that most every day??
First we have to quit wanting what isn't there, and may never be....At least our anger will guarantee that it never gets better for us any way....So we must stop placing expectations for the Cow to Fly!
We love to make excuses for our anger (most of us do, were the good one's right?)....But the real problem that is producing our anger, isn't that our cows want fly...What is producing our anger is the fact we keep standing beside the cow yelling, when are you going to fly! (faulty expectations = frustrations, anxiety & anger)
If we could actually wake up in the morning, with a mindset of full acceptance of the reality of their living of life, that they have showed us since we married them, (no expectation to the contrary) then our anger, frustration, and anxiety would cease. Concerning our spouses being and doing different anyway....
My grandson is 22 months old...He loves to run and laugh and play....It brings great Joy to me, to watch him and play with him...It's his reality, and I expect nothing to the contrary...My wife has lived a lot like my grandson when it comes to the responsibility and work in the marriage...The days I don't expect anything different are my good days...The days I want something that isn't there, (my cow to fly) those are my negative emotion days...
It doesn't matter if I come or go...She is who she is!....If her heart and mind changed over night....I would know it!....And so would you!....If their priorities changed they wouldn't have to tell us...And it can!....But!!!, it never will until they want it, and do something about it...
We can waste our lives emotionally damaged (and damaging our children and relationships) while we set and beg our cow to fly, or, we can free our minds by accepting cows don't fly, and then, and only then, can we get busy living!
I chose to let the cow be a cow....
Free yourself....Believe it....And let it go...That is what I tell myself anyway....
C
I get it.... but its hard
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
I do try to do that but his behavior almost financially ruined our family several times. We could have been homeless because he had not money for rent. He drove a car without insurance and could have gotten into an accident which would have meant financial ruin. He literally sabotages my accomplishments.
It is Hard...
Submitted by c ur self on
Each of us have to decide if there is any use in continuing to try in our marriages....
Marriage (two being one flesh) has it's difficulties even when both spouses live responsibly to their roles...It's just being human, we all have our ticks..:)...So I guess it's just a decision each of us has to make about what we are experiencing in our relationships....It's good to be able to share (on this forum) with others who are, or have experienced similar behaviors, and have similar experiences....But no one can really know if there is hope of real change, like each of us living in our own situations on a daily bases.....
So I truly hope you can move past feeling you are stuck in a situation that is causing you such stress, and hardship...So many of you lady posters deal with way more than I think I could!...Although many of the long time posters here have said similar to me....
I guess what has kept me here is several key things...1) I trust her to be faithful... 2) Many of her behaviors or just things I feel she neglects; and to be honest I don't think she can help many of them, It's just the mind she lives in...3) I think she loves me as much as she is capable of loving anyone. 4) Much of our troubles over the years came from my expectations directed at her, and me telling her she needs to meet those expectations...You can't just force insecurties out someone's butt, that took the bigger part of a life time to develop... ( I insisted my cow should fly)....
So there is plenty of things I've learned about what it takes to live with her in an understanding way...
We have progressed since I told her; if she was going to only be happy living like she was single, and everything related to being a wife causes her to be this miserable complaining victim. Then I wanted her to leave....To her credit, she has really stepped up in attitude and to some degree the work:)....
I think marriage is a life time commitment, but, I have read things posted by women on this site that just makes me mad to read it....No one should ever put up w/ abuse....And I know it's possible to forgive anything, and I am a firm believer in forgiveness...But I'm also a realist, and if sexual immorality keeps happening, if abuse keeps happening, if selfish and independent living keeps happening, w/ no true repentance and change...What do you have? It's sure isn't anything that resembles a healthy loving relationship....
You say it's hard...Yes, anything that is out of our hands to (change) do something about personally, becomes a hopeless situation for us....So when we get tired enough of the Hard and Hopelessness, then we will start working on someone we can do something about..US!....
I've walked the gauntlet for 9 years.....expressing anger, turning bitter, all manor of unloved feelings I've carried around. fear, control, and demanding you name it I suffered it those first 5 years...It's been a little different the last 4....I've finally started turning inward....I realized I had to accept things that she had no ability or desire to change (if I was going to have any hope for a peaceful life that is)....So acceptance of her reality was a huge step for me...Then I went to studying our tendencies...when and what subjects created an air for unrest and conflict...So as these became clear, I started avoided engaging her or going places with her where the probability was high for conflict...This was painful for her for several reasons....But it was good for us....Finally I asked her to leave if she could not take on a more positive and thankful role, and start doing the work in the relationship...This also made her angry, but, it was the best decision I ever made...She was quiet and withdrawn for a few months....But I guess she got to thinking about it....There wasn't any where she could go...(blame, denial, fight or flight, nothing works against a calm loving, "you need to get out, and go be happy") it was pack her stuff and leave or work on awareness and being a happy wife...
Does she still try to manipulate from time to time, of course, but, she handles my No's much better these days...It takes two, and I truly think she is encouraged by her work on herself, I know I am!
I wish you well and I hope you can find a peaceful place....Some times you've got to make up your mind, set them down, and give them an ultimatum. That's what I finally did after 9 years....It wasn't angry, and it wasn't loud....But she knew I meant it....But we have to be as good as our word once we make that step...And only you can decide when it's time to make that decision....I thought I never would, up until about a month before I did it....
Blessings
C
I've given many ultimatums
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
... I just gave one this morning. I've been waiting five years since he discovered he has ADHD for him to just be on a path to some treatment. But its so many false starts and empty promises.
I am becoming a stressed out and horrible parent and don't recognize myself anymore. My children are still small now but if this goes on for even another year or two what type of example is my spouse to his sons? How will they grow up to be functional when they see a parent who loses his licence and can't pay bills? And uses lies to avoid and cope?
I've tried to emotionally distance myself. To meditate. To read to try to stop focusing my life on helping him and start understanding what I need.
I know he is a good person, an intereresting person. He says over and over he is trying and wants it to be better. Yet he won't get help, he won't stop lying and he won't get a stable job. To me these seem so basic. Or at the very least if he would start to get help. I've asked him to go to the emergency room.
I know my anger, my outbursts are not helping. I do know that but I feel so overwhelmed.
Your honesty brings tear to my eyes...Ive been there....
Submitted by c ur self on
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was to walk away from family who is beyond help....Because they refuse to help themselves....My efforts were only enabling them....It's a dirty feeling....But take courage friend, doing the right thing (and you see the need) is always best in the long run....He may never make any real efforts as long as he has his safe place...
I will pray that you are able to make the right decisions and see past the current turmoil to better days....Turning my pain over to Jesus was the answer for me....
Just Love those precious Angels you have been blessed with, no matter what he does....Avoid regrets.... ((( big hug)))....
C
Change, consequences, etc.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
As C said, your husband may never make an effort as long as there is a safe place for him. From the sounds of it, his behavior carries no real consequences for him (only for you) so he doesn't have to do anything differently. Nothing may change until you actually leave and he has to fend for himself and deal with the results of his own actions.
Even then it might not change. I parted ways with my ex (who is likely undiagnosed ADHD) a year ago. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do (in fact just last night I was in tears about it all over again) but after 5 years of no real progress I realized that I couldn't keep doing what I was doing and expecting different results. I thought well, maybe losing the woman he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with will finally wake him up, but it didn't. He decided that I was the problem instead... and yet somehow all the chaos in his life is still the same. Go figure.
So... Cow might be a cow... But you don't have to let it live in your house and poop all over the place. (hug)
Thanks and how are you children adjusting
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
To you being split up? My father offered for me to convert my basement into an apartment for more income if I took my spouse to a lawyer to make sure that he signed a marriage contract stipulating that if we break up he has no rights to the house.
Seems to me the best way to
Submitted by sickandtired on
Seems to me the best way to get rid of that anger would be to dump the cow, and all of its accompanying bullshit, and go out and find that mature, loving, responsible person. They are out there. Nobody should have to sacrifice their happiness and be forced to daily expose their kids to that.
When I buy something at the store and it turns out not to be what I thought I was getting, I return it, rather than constantly be disappointed about it, or tirelessly try in vane to make it fit.
I chose to let the cow be a cow... somewhere else.
I'd really like to move on...
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
But it is hard and it hurts. I guess the emotional affair although perhaps with the wrong person showed me maybe I can get away and feel something for someone else at some point.
Yes! You certainly CAN!!!!
Submitted by sickandtired on
You will be amazed that you stayed as long as you did, once you get out and look back at what you used to have to deal with.
I was 60 with a lot of health problems when I threw my X out, and life was hard because I had trouble walking due to a broken leg and the other ankle badly sprained and back injuries (because I fell trying to walk through his junk) and I had to take care of his 5 dogs (animal hoarding with him too!), but it was ALL so worth it to be free of him! I was very scared to go through the breakup process, and of course it was very hard, with lots of drama and guilt trips thrown my way, but it was such an instant relief to come home with him gone, and NOT be blamed, NOT have to deal with irresponsibility any more, NOT have to clean up endless messes, NOT walk on eggshells.
The way you are living now exposes your kids to anger, and they see a dad not taking care of responsibilities. What kind of potential mate do you want THEM to choose when they grow up? Someone like him? They will think it's normal to live this way, where mom angrily does everything and dad cluelessly does nothing, and they will repeat what you and your husband model in their future. Please give them a better future.
You are so right!
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
Am I just punishing myself by even having hope it can get better. He does try every once in a while but it is so hard for their to be any results and he gets discouraged, overwhelmed and distracted easily. What I really worry about is how is this ultimately impacting me and the kids. I don't feel like I am liveing to my potential and all the drama makes it hard to focus on the important things in life.
About feelings
Submitted by sickandtired on
I was a bitter, cynical person while living with my x, constantly looking out for unexpected drama, anger and problems with money from him.
Fast forward to when I met my future husband.....I was amazed to actually have someone buy ME dinner! Wow! I don't have to pay for everything! Wow! He has a job, and he comes home from work happy! Wow! He pays his bills! Wow! He likes his home neat and clean! Wow! He has friends and is close to his family! Wow! He is kind! He loves me, and tells me how much he appreciates me! Wow! I am crazy about him! These normal behaviors in a normal man will seem like such a luxury to you like they do to me, because of what we've been through and settled for in the past. Of course you can fall in love again... with someone who deserves you.
Wow I can't even imagine...
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
Seriously I just cannot even picture that life. Someone buying me things. Many years my husband never even barely bought me birthday and christmas presents and I always pay for everything with the kids. It just seems so unimaginable.
I felt that way too back then
Submitted by sickandtired on
It sounds like a fairy tale to you now, but it is just that you have forgotten what the real normal world has to offer, because you've been stuck in ADHD world. Like I said, I'm old and have a bum leg, so some might think I had a slim chance of finding happiness with someone new. I loved myself enough to get away from a situation that was dragging me down. I had to for my physical and mental health.
Even if I hadn't met my new husband of only 3 months, I would still be glad I chose to get out of that 11 year long hell. If I can do it, you can too!
Living up to your potential
Submitted by sickandtired on
You mentioned you feared you are not living up to your full potential. I was angry with myself for not leaving sooner because I can't get those wasted years back. I don't have any children and neither did he, so no one else's future was at stake but mine. I had to ask myself, when I was a young girl, did I dream of living with someone who was unappreciative, who lied about everything, who refused to even try to help better himself, who ignored my feelings, who I'm not even attracted to? NO! I don't think you had these sorts of dreams for your life PARTNER either. He is, for whatever reason, more like another kid to take care of...not a partner...he's a dependent that you didn't sign up for. Part of your anger might just be directed at yourself, trying to motivate you to change this situation.