My un-diagnosed ADHD wife of over 20 years just announced (out of the blue) that she was leaving me and served me divorce papers the next day. She has many elements of ADHD and some OCD traits as well. We have just returned from a 3+ month van trip of Australia and we had a great time. We are retired and travel a lot. We get on well on the road. At home things are more challenging. We have never, ever discussed "divorce", "breaking up" or "splitting up". Since we had a great trip to Australia (we spend 3 months in a very small sprinter van) there was no indication that she was at the end of her rope. She was more moody and depressed than normal upon return which she said was due to jet lag and trip recovery. I am in total shock.
She spends a lot of time in her own thoughts (ruminating). I have no understanding of what is going on in her head. I realize now that I have been highly impacted by her ADHD behaviors. I was just able to always look past it. We have many of the negative interactions Melissa outlines in the book. She says she has lost herself. I believe she started to make this decision about six months ago (before we left for Australia) based on looking back on some of her comments.
I am really struggling to come to terms with the way she handled this and did not give me a chance to fight for the marriage. She just upped and left. We had talked about counselors in the past but never made the step (which is my mistake).
It has been nearly two weeks and she has not told any of her few close friends nor has she told her family (she was with her family over Memorial Day weekend). This is very bizarre to me.
To the group: Does this decision of hers to just get up and leave reflect the ADHD condition. She has made it very clear there in no path to reconciliation. I am in a seek to understand mode.
Sounds like an ADHD plan
Submitted by adhd32 on
She's probably found someone else or a potential new lifestyle (singlehood) she is interested in (a new shiny object) and has worked up a fantasy relationship in her head of how perfect things are going to be. The other person may not even be aware of her adoration, it could all be built up in her head. It's likely that you are shouldering a great deal of the daily tasks and arrangements so she has no idea what is to come without her safety net. She probably hasn't planned ahead either, just made a decision to move forward with her fantasy. You should take her at her word and get an attorney to understand what happens next and how to prepare financially.
Really random and uncalled for
Submitted by Taminator1 on
I'm sorry to hear that as this is something that really came out of left field. Although I cannot speak for either of you, what I can the tell you is that she very likely has thought this through prior to your trip and probably said yes to going so she didn't make you feel bad. Plus, going on that trip gave her that temporary dopamine rush that she was craving. The fact that she left is showing that she wants to keep having that rush is part of the ADHD symptoms, but the fact of just packing up and leaving is more selfishness than anything. Also, if things are usually tense on the road, but was never discussed in marriage counseling, she was clearly hiding levels of in satisfaction and didn't discuss it to avoid judgment from anyone. It looks like she has been trying to have her cake and eat it too. If it's come this far, you should talk to either a mediator or divorce attorney.
just leaving
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Her decision to 'just leave' don't reflect anything specifically ADHD, in my mind, but they do reflect how little she feels she can communicate with you. It's possible this was pre-meditated and she went on the trip for her own reasons (always wanted to go, didn't want to ruin your chance to go, thought she might like to see if things might get better...who knows?)
You mention that you have followed many of the negative patterns in my books. That suggests parent/child dynamics that she may have tried to talk with you about, but didn't get a great reception on...etc. What you see as 'just looking past it' might have been devastating to her - your not paying attention to or seeing her pain, and liking the status quo well enough, even if she didn't.
It's possible there is another person out there that is capturing her attention...or not. It's also possible that she has other important people in her life (friends, etc) who have encouraged her to go out and find her joy. Or, that she simply decided that she didn't want the rest of her life to feel as empty (or however she would describe it) as hers currently feels to her, and wants a chance to set her own path (vs. being in a relationship in which she feels not in control of her life...aka lost herself to the relationship.)
One of the bigger issues I see in what you've written - she's left, but hiding it from her family. How does one do that? Her inability to communicate around difficult topics might be larger than just with you. Her unwillingness to address this through anything other than the distancing of divorce sounds deeply painful. Or, perhaps she is giving you notice of the intensity of her feelings and waiting for you to open up and listen to her...in which case, suggesting couples counseling to hear her concerns (vs. work out the issues in the marriage) might be useful.
You will be seeking to understand why the divorce happened this way for quite a while. I recommend that you find a professional with whom you can discuss your grief and confusion individually...if you find someone who understands ADHD that may help (note I'm bringing on a grief consultant in the Fall...she might be a good match for this work if you wish to go that direction.)
In the moment, it makes sense for you to find yourself a lawyer you trust while, simultaneously, reaching out to understand the pain your wife feels that led to this. Notice that I'm not suggesting you discuss your own pain with her, other than to say it's there at the baseline. If she's lost in the relationship, and ruminating a lot, she's not likely going to be receptive to talking about you at this moment in time.
This is such a painful time for you both. My heart goes out to you.
Melissa
I feel for you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Your shock is very easy to understand. What a terrible surprise.
It seems ADHD and non partners misunderstand each other at a level I previously wouldn't have thought possible. Why hasn't she given you any hint during traveling, that she is through with your relationship? Intentions, thoughts, emotions of the ADHD partner, they all seem so opaque sometimes. I can relate to a feeling of living in a different universe.
The lasting impression I get is there is no such thing as truly understanding anyone else. Maybe that is a reasonable life lesson in general. I'm still confused.
Your wife's action is common for some ADD minds...
Submitted by c ur self on
There usually are signs, but, they usually don't clear up until after the fact....When self centered (self absorbed mind type's) people, feel out of control of life situations, they grow very unhappy, mal contented...12 years ago, after 4 years of marriage...My wife just left one morning...Stayed gone for 11 months, w/ little to know communication....In hind site, she had a plan...The previous 4 years were very hard...The shock of my responsibility first, driven life style, vs her in the moment dopamine driven life style clashed often, and hard...In hind site she hated about my life what everyone else (friends & family) deemed as a blessing...Her outlook was (still is) how does this person's (any person) life benefit ME...
Of course after 16 years we are moving her out this summer, back to her own house...So she can pursue her single minded independent life w/ out my face as a reminder of her responsibilities, and I can clean and remodel my house w/o my hoarding roommate, who has lived in the quest room for 4 years...
Wishing you so much happiness, c ur self
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I know it has been a long difficult journey to get to this place. Thank you for your words of empathy and encouragement to me and others over the years. I've seen so much courage and self sacrifice in your posts and I hope you find freedom and peace in this decision. ❤️
Dear C
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I hope this will make you happier soon. I admire your methodical and wise approach to chaos, as always.