Submitted by rfr28264 on 02/12/2017.
The stress of our first baby landed us in a couple's psychiatrist, where I was diagnosed with ADHD. After being undiagnosed and untreated for 10 years, I can understand my wife's frustration. But her attitude reads as "I didn't sign up for this" and she does not want to participate or collaborate with my treatment. She doesn't want to go to therapy anymore and she is unwilling to read a single book on couples and ADHD (arguing she is doing her PhD and doesn't have time for that). I can feel she is burned out, and her unwillingness to participate is making me feel like divorce is inevitable (it's just a matter of when). Can I fix myself without her participation? Have others here succeeded this way?
Unwilling Non-ADHD Wife
Submitted by Bobcat1238 on
I don't have answers for you, but I can tell you that you're not alone. I am the ADHD husband, and get parented...yet find myself pushing and prodding and nagging my wife to work with me in doing the homework in Melissa Orlov's ADHD Couples tele-seminar. Once I found out that ADHD might be to blame for our marriage problems, I've been doing everything I can to work on our marriage - reading books, finding a psychiatrist to adjust my meds and counsel me, ADHD podcasts, etc.. She seems to lack willingness to do the hard work to save our marriage. I also think she is clinically depressed. I want her to get the help she needs, but she doesn't want to get help apparently. I'm not sure how a marriage can make it on one person's willpower alone. So unfortunately, you are in good company.
Flip It
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Bobcat,
Take a moment to also look at the situation from the reverse perspective. It's awesome that you want to address personal and marital concerns.
A marriage with ADHD follows a pretty predictable path, ending with the non-ADHD spouse often feeling a complete sense of hopelessness and despair (read: depressed). You don't say how long you have been married. Your wife may be clinically depressed or she may be situationally depressed. I'd bet dollars to donuts that she has asked, begged, pleased, cajoled and on and on over the years for help or relief from the difficulties. And... nothing happened. So, you are dealing with a couple of factors here. First, nothing has changed in the past so is she willing to invest in this effort and be hurt and disappointed again? Second, it's timing. She most likely wanted you to participate in healing the marriage in past years. She probably wanted it with every fiber in her being. NOW, you want to. You didn't want to before. NOW, you want her to put forth an effort. Now, you want to, when you didn't want to in the past when SHE wanted you to.
Does that make sense? There is probably a LOT of resistance there. I know there was with me. My H ultimately didn't stick it out with therapy and medication. However, I NEEDED to know that he would make a sustained effort and not a half baked attempt before I put in a huge effort only to be hurt again. I had to see some progress and at least a medium-term effort. There had been so many empty promises in the past. As I mentioned, the story did not end well. He went to therapy for 7 sessions and gave up on refilling his prescription after 3 months, even though he said it made him feel 100% better. I noticed a positive change and told him. It wasn't enough. He defaulted to the status quo. You are correct. Either way the unwillingness goes, it is difficult for one person make it on willpower alone.
Question--how many years were
Submitted by dvance on
Question--how many years were you married before you got the ADHD diagnosis? My guess is your wife HAS been doing the hard work to save you marriage, you didn't notice. I have been married to an ADHD person for 23 years. He used to take meds and now doesn't any more because he thinks he can manage fine without them. I disagree but no matter how many times I bring it up or how I frame it, he thinks he's fine. I do not think he is fine. There is nothing to be done about that. We have been to three different therapists over the years. Same story. I want him on meds, he doesn't not. The therapist can't make him take the pills, so what's to discuss.
Your line "she seems to lack willingness to do the hard work..." really struck me--now that YOU are ready, she should just hop to? I wonder how many years she did the hard work alone while you were not aware of your ADHD.
Perceived progress vs. reality
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Good point. In my case, my H went to therapy for a very short time and took meds for a very short time. In his mind, he had a diagnosis and he "felt 100% better" while on the meds. He thought everything was fine because he felt so different than he did before - things were more "clear" according to him. My reality? I noticed a positive change but it was very, very far from earth shattering. I've often wondered about bipolar disorder. The anti depressant he was prescribed seemed to turn him very manic. He became a work machine. Which was good. He was focused. He got a lot, lot, lot done around the house. However, it wasn't sustained and it DID NOTHING for our marriage because it was just another focus outside the marriage.
Unwilling Non-ADHD Wife
Submitted by Bobcat1238 on
dvance,
To answer your questions....I was diagnosed as an ADHD child when I was in 2nd grade. They called it being hyperactive back then. I was given Ritalin back then. Since they thought you outgrow it, I was taken off of meds in the summer before 7th grade. My wife and I have both done our part to mess up our marriage of 27 years. I got help for serious problems in my life, and then pleaded with her to get outside help as a couple for years of intimacy problems. She agreed to get go with me when she thought I was going to leave. I wasn't sure how long I could stay. There was some hope at times with two years seeing a sex therapist. I asked the therapist to evaluate her for depression after a really bad blowout where we both ended up hurt. The therapist ended up telling her that we should get help with the ADHD effects on our marriage. She said for my wife to come back after I got treatment and we read "The ADHD Effect On Marriage" by Melissa Orlov. My wife has resisted seeing the therapist again, however, I have gone all out on treating my ADHD. We've learned so much about the problems we've both caused in our marriage, and how we BOTH need to get treatment.
rfr28264 & bobcat 1238....
Submitted by c ur self on
Suggestion guy's....
Husbands, all of us...Are suppose to supply (be responsible for) certain things in our homes....As husbands we are suppose Love our wives as ourself....And to live with them in an understanding manner....We should be the calm leaders, setting an example of responsibility for our family....This has nothing to do with our wife or children....They have different responsibilities in the home and marriage....
So there is never an out for us (as Husbands and Fathers) to use our spouses actions as an excuse to not do what we are responsible to do....
OUR thinking, feelings and behaviors or OURS ALONE....Our spouses didn't cause them, nor or they responsible to correct or change them....Besides, there is nothing our wives can do....(Pray, Cry, Beg, do double work, keep the family floating, remind, remind, remind) to make us CARE enough to make our behaviors our first priority in life...Nothing!
No! the mirror, and on my knees, is the only place I have found help for any dysfunction occurring in my heart and mind....And that will NEVER be the responsibility of my wife.....
The truth is your wife may never be fit (willing to do the work of a wife) to be a wife....And you may never be fit (willing to do the work) to be a husband.....BUT there is one thing for sure....It will NEVER be each others fault....But that is a good excuse (Blame) to allow us to feel good about ourselves, so can walk away from our responsibilities and move on, so we can destroy someone else's life....
Blessings guys...
C
You can 100% fix yourself
Submitted by dvance on
You can 100% fix yourself without your wife participating. In fact, whatever fixes you put in place will likely stick if you are doing them for YOU not her. Get your meds under control, figure out what works to make you remember what you are responsible for--do it on your own. She has been doing more than her fair share for the past 10 years-sorry, but that's the nature of the ADHD beast. You probably do not know half of what she has done to keep your family running. Fix yourself, for yourself. Even if this marriage doesn't work out, you will be a better functioning adult.