i'm so tired. in tears. again. is this ever really going to be "joyful"? i went to the "joys in marriage" topic (or whatever it was called) and found little or no joy anywhere. i love him so much and i know he loves me deeply. in fact, his love includes a lot of clingy attachment. i see so much kindness and wonder in his heart. but i'm really afraid that we are just going to end up hating each other. or...i'm going to crawl out of this pit myself, and be so resentful that we'll split.
he's already halfway there - he asks if we should, or tells me we should, or tells me he's gonna - split and go separate ways once we recover from this financial ruin. that just makes me think, "then go now...do you really think i want to spend the next few years fixing your mistakes and supporting you so you can leave more comfortably?" followed by "see how long you'd last, and how much you'd miss me if you followed through on that threat." i don't say these things, but i want to sometimes.
he should be starting treatment soon. he's been through a battery of tests, but no follow up appointment yet. my friend with an ADD spouse keeps telling me to have strength and things will be better when he gets meds/treatment, etc. but i'm losing myself, and my mind. i try so hard. i've read most of this site (he's read nothing i've sent him), tried every bit of self-reflection and stepping up until he's in a little better shape to help. i've worked on past resentments and forgiveness. i take accountability for my mistakes and do my best to be supportive and make sure he knows all the things that i think are wonderful about him. i've done the notes, the lists, lowered my expectations (at least for now), observed and curbed nagging, had thoughtful conversations with him, and expressed small, specific needs. sometimes it seems like we make progress, except that he forgets a day later.
i'm sick of the part where he acts like the world and i owe him something. i'm falling apart. our marriage is falling apart. sometimes i think things are getting better but he doesn't agree, so i guess they aren't. he is willing to get treatment but keeps telling me that we really need is for me to get counseling and "anger management" help, and for us to go back to our non-insurance-covered marriage counselor at $235/hr that we can't afford. we saw her for a year and thousands of dollars and she could never get him to take accountability for anything. it drove her nuts.
he says he doesn't blame me for things, but he always uses me our our family as his excuses. i'm tired of feeling so inadequate, like i can never do enough, we're dragging him down and i'm just crazy. if it weren't for our gorgeous, ten-month old baby girl whom he really loves and helps with, i think we'd be split already.
where's the hope here? it's let down after let down after fight after fight after tears after tears. i'm starting to get resentful reading this website, wondering where the compromises end for the non-add spouse' and how we are supposed to be grateful for having to babysit an adult for the rest of our marriages and lives. people around me say, "let him fail." unfortunately, i've done as much of that as my family can tolerate without losing our house and everything else. so now i just take care of most everything, with very few meaningful thank you's, no voluntary apologies, and very little romance except that he wants sex all the time and pouts when he doesn't get it. i can let him fail, but he'll have to do that on his own while i take care of myself and our baby. he's put us in legal trouble and financial trouble this year in grand, ridiculous fashion (almost fatal DUI two weeks before baby was born). it's been long enough now that the remorse is gone and he blames the "system" for the fact that he doesn't have a license and that this cost us a lot of dough.
i feel bad in how poorly a light i've cast him as i vent in this message. i do love him. he is wonderful in so many ways. but he's starting to hate me. and it's breaking my heart, tearing it apart. it's breaking me. it's really hard not to hate myself in this house. i'm so scared and so hurt. and so desperate.
I'm there
Submitted by Manda627 on
I posted today with a similair post to yours called "Not Getting Through". I don't have any good advice right now because I don't have the answers to my own situation. I just want you to know you aren't alone, I understand every word you said. You are NOT a bad person. I have to believe there is hope for me, and so I believe there is hope for you too.
little hope without treatment
Submitted by arwen on
Happy Camper, I don't think there is a whole lot of hope if your spouse isn't getting treatment. Treatment is critical. In my experience, both meds and counseling are needed. I know that even if I had been doing "all the right things" before my husband was diagnosed and got treatment, there's no way we would have made any substantive progress. The medications generally regulate the synaptic activity in the brain so that inappropriate behaviors can be unlearned and new better behaviors learned in their place. Without this synaptic regulation, the learning generally can't and doesn't happen. Meds alone are usually not enough -- it's also usually key to see a counselor who is versed in dealing with ADD patients, to help this unlearning and learning process.
"Is it ever joyful?" That depends. While my husband and I were going through the unlearning-and-learning, and working to resolve our problems, there was very little joy. It took a long time, more than 15 years, and a lot of hard work on both our parts. There were not a lot of resources back then so we mostly had to just grope our way through, with the help of his counselor (who was not versed in ADD when we started) -- I'm sure if we'd had a counselor who understood ADD better, and access to guidance like what is on this site, it would have taken us less time, but it still would have been long and hard.
After all this work, it has been difficult for me to return to a condition of "joy", because it is now difficult for me to relax. We both live daily with rhythms in our relationship that don't feel natural for us, although they work very well. In my mind it is like going to a dance studio and learning how to do a tango or polka or waltz -- we know the steps, and we do the dance correctly from a technical standpoint, but we have to *think* about what we're doing all the time, instead of it being automatic and flowing naturally.
Yet there are flashes of joy. The other day, I was checking status with my husband on a problem we had discussed that he said he wanted time to think about. I was sure that he hadn't spent any time on it in the intervening week -- he's been very busy at work, and this is a bad time of year for him (he has Seasonal Affective Disorder, in addition to ADD). To my great surprise, not only had he thought about it, he had come up with some possible ways to deal with it, that seemed very workable. I was not only impressed, I was *thrilled* to have been proven wrong, and told him how pleased and impressed I was several times (which I think surprised *him*, and made him really happy). For Mother's Day this year, he got me a kitchen utensil that I had really wanted and which is almost impossible to find anymore -- while it's true I'm the one who found it on the internet for sale, he did follow through and get it for me, and I'm just ecstatic every time I use it. We had a great vacation this year, for the first time in 20 years, because he worked hard to keep in mind that he was out of his routine. We had a wonderful problem-free Thanksgiving holiday this year where we actually had a lot of fun -- not always the case in the past because of ADD-related issues.
Now, to get to the nub, is it worth it? There have been many times when I've thought it wasn't, and some times when I've thought it was. Mostly I'm still not sure. I think staying together was the right thing to do for my kids' sakes, but even there I'm not 100% sure. On the other hand, I clearly see my situation getting better and better, and while we may be getting to the point where there is not much more scope for improvement, it's still a good place to be. If it continues, I suspect that in another five years, I *will* think it was worth it. I think there's a very good prospect for us to get to a point where those "dance steps" will flow naturally, and I will be able to relax -- I'm just not there quite yet.
A way too eventful update
Submitted by happycamper13 on
I posted the following as a new topic before finding my old post here. I apologize as I get a little lost in this site. It is about our recent separation over infidelity. Rereading my post above and your comments made me cry. I don't do that too often lately, numbness is more functional. :/ - thanks for the support. just knowing someone took time to hear me is so meaningful......
I've written before, frustrated, venting, but all of that was before 18 Dec when I found out he may have fathered another child when I was 8 months pregnant. He was freaking out before the baby came, scared out of his mind, not working and maybe even a little manic/hypomanic. The last year of craziness makes a lot of sense to me now that i know he knew about this and hid it from me from Feb 09 to Dec 09, all while becoming a first time dad. (and btw - he's a great, great dad to our daughter). However, he also had an emotional affair in the first year of our marriage when he was hypersexual and thinking that because I wasn't, I didn't desire him or love him enough. We've been together six years, married four. Had some counseling after the EA, but since he was not yet diagnosed, things only "seemed" to get better.
This latest affair was the straw on the camel's back for me, a back loaded with painful burdens of disorganization, chaos, lack of income, blaming everyone else for his failures including a failed business, his drinking and driving, compulsive spending, all while I was supporting him financially and emotionally. The news came just as I was growing comfortable with the idea of supporting him through some treatment and recovery that he really wants for himself, adapting my lifestyle to accomodate his ADHD needs, and changing my expectations. When the news of the affair came, I calmly made him move out so I could have some time to think and get control of my anger and resentment. I also needed to see him take steps to make his and our life better, including counseling, handling his own money, getting to work on time by himself, and working a job even when it isn't always fun.
He is so remorseful, and so in love with me and our daughter. He is trying as hard as anyone could to make everything right. My biggest concern is that he's obviously pretty overwhelmed, and continues to lose important things, admits to not yet being able to handle money or scheduling very well, and as of yet, has not had a single appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist. He wants to badly, I can see it, but he forgets or is apprehensive, or both. He went through exhaustive testing and came through severely ADHD, possibly BiPolar I (although I think II is more likely if BiPolar disorder is an issue). They provided him his results, accompanied by a list of doctors at the clinic for him to see...which he promptly lost. I find myself, as the caring friend first, ultimatum-producing-betrayed-spouse-and-mom second, reminding him that he isn't going to be able to fix this on his own, and that treatment has to be a priority. He "gets it" but doesn't seem to be getting it done. He's also supposed to arrange couples counseling and let me know when we can start. It's been two months since I found out about the affair. It may seem like I expect a lot from an untreated ADHDer, but I really thought he'd be on medication and in treatment by now, which might help him organize and accomplish some other things.
I'm scared for him. And for us. I'm left wondering if I'll ever get over the resentment, if anything will ever really change, or if I will be angry, frustrated and afraid for most of my marriage should I choose to stay. How much are we really supposed to deal with? How much do we help? If I didn't have a daughter with him, I think I would leave him, even loving him still, just from the exhaustion of it all. I'm finally able to put him in the "sink or swim" situation, living on his own, and it's freed me up to see that, while I'm nowhere near perfect, my life (and daughters) is calmer without his chaos. But I don't want to be with anyone else either. I feel like I get to choose between a rock and hard place, sadness with him, or sadness alone?
Any encouragement? Help? Advice?