I've posted many times in this forum about my DH; he's been in and out of work the entire time we've been married for 22 years.
Right now he's going on year three of unemployment. He was briefly hired at a GREAT job, but was fired after one week.
He does a lot of stuff around the house, so that's good. Helps with the kids.
He *does* want to work, however, the field he stumbled into many years ago is not a good fit. His skills are severely outdated and he can't focus long enough to update them.
Yesterday, we were having a talk and I mentioned that I am doing catch-up with savings as I started so late (this after waiting for him for many years to get his employment stable and finally giving up).
His response was that he plans on changing careers and going after his dream job - a Disney Imagineer.
He's drawing up a business plan (no clue why) and is planning on finding Disney employees and getting them to listen to all his ideas.
I did about five minutes of research on this, and not only is it nearly impossible to get this job, you have to be super, SUPER specialized in something (there are hundreds of disciplines). He's not. You also have to have extensive training. He does not.
His business plan seems to consist of him writing down a bunch of vague ideas and then somehow being hired. I don't know how; I didn't ask for details.
This is just another in a VERY long line of crackpot ideas that have no follow through. I am focusing more on myself and taking care of ME and my inner life. But I'm wondering at this point if he will ever change? Should I just drop any expectations of him? He's a good man, good father. I don't want to live in resentment.
Hello Redhead1017...your
Submitted by c ur self on
Hello Redhead1017...your husband sounds like a brother-in-law of mine...He works, but just doesn't stay with anything long...He loves carpenter work...and is good at it...but, he can't do enough by himself to make consistent paychecks for the consistent bills :)...Good Father, and does a lot around the house also...You asked a good question about having expectations; should you? And you made a point about not wanting to live with resentment...My sister in-law has a steady job...school teacher...but she is quiet miserable, she can't get past the expectations and it has caused a lot of problems in her life..Sadly things she can't even see, or basically denies...She is quiet bitter also, and once their two grown son's moved out she moved into another bedroom...So Sad... to live out your life that way...I'm not taking up for your husband or my brother in law...If I was you or my sister in law...I would tell them probably the same things you both have said many times...."Go find a steady job...I don't care if you like it or not, and I don't care how much $ you make, both are irrelevant at this point. Once you accomplish that we will manage from there...And, if you land a better job, then you turn in a notice and move on...But, first just get one, because the children and I have to eat, and the bills don't take a month off." This is what I would tell them, something like this. But, to answer your question...He's been the same for most are all the 22 years, right? So, If you both live another 25 years...Do you still want to be asking the same questions? So my suggestion is Yes, it is OK for you to expect him to get steady employeement to take care of his responsibilities as a Husband and Father and to share that with him...But, it's not OK for you to live with such an emotional attachment to "your desire for him to turn over a new leaf after 22 years" that resentment and frustration keeps you from being a peaceful loving wife of this "Good man and Good father"...So I suggest you just do what you said in your post...continue looking at your inner self...Because when it gets right down to it, if we find true peace for our own hearts, we can pretty much deal with about any circumstance this life throws our way. And in my experience with my add wife...I've decided life is to short to be full expectations, i just ask the Lord to give me the strength each day, and some times for the sake of sanity, you just have to let the rough end drag...I hope you find the inner peace you so desire :) Blessings!
i dunno...
Submitted by julie jay on
Will he ever change? I can't answer that, I don't know if anyone can, but if you base the answer on facts and statistics, then the answer is more than likely not. My husband has also been unemployed for the last 3 years, etc, almost EXACTLY your same story, word for word...i'd come home from my two-hour-one-way commute to my job that pays the bills, and he's been "researching" whatever the flavor of the day was in a new "field" ALL. DAY. Don't get me wrong, he'd do things around the house, but like your sister, his idea of cleaning up is shoving everything in the hall closet and almost literally throwing the dishes in the dishwasher as I'm driving in the driveway (i know this, bc I've busted him), etc. Like your husband, mine wants to work, bc he DEFINITELY has the "hyperactivity" in the ADHD, he cannot sit still and if you coup him up, he's like a caged animal, so he likes to stay busy (or hyperfocused), and especially outside. He found a seasonal job as a merchandiser for plant/herbicides/pesticides company, so he likes being outside all day, but HATES that things have to be in a certain order, that you have to follow a plan-o-gram, and that the work is detailed, etc. etc. OH, and don't get me started on the fact he has to keep a timesheet...ohmygoodness. If it makes you feel any better at all, here's some of the get-rich-and-never-have-to-really-work-again ideas I've dealt with the last 3 years:
1. buying land and starting a grape vineyard for wine grapes. problem? We live in Georgia.
2. buying land and growing American Chestnut trees to sell. problem? they're extinct. oh, and we live in Georgia.
3. buying a pizza parlor in the VERY small college town we live in. problem? neither of us has one minute's restaurant experience. Oh, and it ain't a Pizza Hut or Domino's or other nationally recognized name brand.
4. buying a tanning salon in a bedroom community outside of our very small college town. problem? it's a tanning salon in a bedroom community (about 15 mins from town) outside of our very small town.
5. joining the electrician's union and going to their school and becoming an electrician. problem? someone with untreated ADHD messing with electricity. thank God I talked him out of that one pretty fast --told him you REALLY have to pay attention to what you're doing or it will kill you - my dad worked for Ga Power for 20 years and saw 3 men get killed for simple carelessness/not paying attention. He took that to heart, thank the Lord.
6. going back to school to get a law degree. problem? he hates lawyers. i thought that one was pretty funny myself.
7. going to school to be a radiologist. problem? there was a 6 month waiting list to get into the program....that was 3 years ago...i recently told him he could have been finished by now. he didn't reply.
8. move to Colorado and grow pot to sell (this was right after the election in 2012). problem? don't get me started.
9. being a day trader. problem? he got into options and lost $30,000 in a month. was high as a kite all month, though, with the adrenaline rush.
I'll leave you with those nine gems...if nothing else, i hope it made you smile to know there's someone else that deals with such madness. ;o) I really love my husband, and I support all of his crazy ideas, etc, and while I'm doing so, I also am the pragmatist (which he HATES) and can tell you anything that's going to go wrong in a situation...he calls it being a "b**ch" and "negative" and a "pessimist" - his dad told him one time, "no, she's just a realist"...but, he usually finally sees the reality and will put whatever it is down...then moves on to the next flavor of the day... ;o) Honestly?? I'd rather he be this way about his job/working any day, than about his woman...THAT is what I would NEVER deal with, and he knows it, and knows I'm serious.
I hope it gets better, Red, I really do...just try to hang in there, if you can. I've hung in there for 8 years now, and for me, it has gotten easier, because I know it's not ME that causes all the mess...but just knowing something like that eases my mind, anyway.
I wish you much luck and love,
xoxo - julie jay
I can relate
Submitted by boilergirl on
I really hate to laugh at someone else's misery, but those "work" ideas were a riot. And as jimmy Buffett said, "If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane." It is just one more aspect of ADHD I will never understand. Hey, how about you just get a regular, already established job for the skills you already have? No, there is always something bigger and better (in their minds) out there.
I am always told I am negative. Just this week, I was super upset because DH, who does not have regular income, bought more crap from Lowe's or Menard's without discussing it with me. This includes several trees (Fruit trees, which will pay for themselves when we don't have to buy fruit in a few years!!!) He has started a billion different outside projects (not to mention inside) and our yard looks like sh^t. Yet, he said it is better to start something than do nothing. He told me I always say no and he is a "do-er". I say it is because I am a realist, like you and know what will become of the project (not to mention out bank account).
So, going back to the OP, will he change? I keep hoping, but am beginning to realize that if I am going to stay in this marriage, I am going to have to resign myself to the constant half-done projects and crazy ideas that will always be happening. I am going to have to deal with chaos...always. yes, he can and may work on things or take meds, but the truth is, the ADHD will always be there.
Each case is so very different from another
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
redhead1017 ,
Expectations are things we want from someone else's activities, behaviors and attitudes. It was not until very recently that I realized I have very little control over how my expectations are fulfilled by another person. Now, after 29 years of marriage, my own problem is being able to look squarely into the face of reality and accept that I was spinning my own wheels - and dug myself into a huge rut.
I based my expectations on what I heard from my spouse. I believed it was not my place to judge him, so I kept telling myself, "Maybe this time. Maybe this time. MAYBE this time?" He attempts to accomplish things, and when he does not, he is unwilling or maybe unable to acknowledge it didn't work.
My spouse's time blindness is difficult for me. I did not, and do not know how to live with it. My own reality was always spinning in circles trying to mingle my own promptness and desire for routine with his chaotic time keeping. I thought we would balance each other out - but that was NOT the case. In an effort to survive, I realized I had been adapting my own life to his style. I was the one going nuts. Now that I am on track for MYSELF, it is painful to watch him in his own bubble of time perception. He squanders his time and energy with not much to show as a result of his effort.
I can see how things COULD change. I can see how things COULD get better in our marriage. I can see how his business COULD prosper.
What I cannot see is how I can be happy and content in the current state of our relationship. It appears to me, he sees only my EXPECTATIONS are the cause for out marital disharmony. He cannot accept responsibility for anything. He cannot say he is sorry. He cannot see anything that he does is anything other than A.O.K.
Expectations: 1. "A belief that someone will or should achieve something." 2. "A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future." 3. "Expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen." 4. "A belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment." 5. "An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order."