I am a little frustrated here. I know I'm still new to this ADHD thing, but help me out here. So I found some symptoms of ADHD, sounded like my husband, gave him one of those ADHD tests and it said "highly likely you have ADHD". He TOTALLY sounds like he has it. I come to this website and the way that everyone is describing their ADHD spouse is my husband to a T. So why doesn't anyone else think he has it besides me? We had our 2nd session with the therapist today and she told us she's still not sure he has ADHD. And my husband will not admit he has it, which seems to be fairly common with them? After our therapy sessions I always think of something I should have said that may have clued the therapist in more to think he may have it. When she asks my husband question related to ADHD his answers aren't....completely accurate. Partly b/c he doesn't WANT to have ADHD and partly I think he doesn't realize how extreme he is in some things. Are there some things I can tell her, besides the old attention and focus issues, that can help her in diagnosing? I'm not trying to undermind her expertise, but I'd pretty much bet my life on the fact that I know my husband has ADHD. All the feelings that you guys describe with having an ADHD spouse...I have. If I weren't so pro marriage and committed to my faith, I may have given up already and found someone else that made me feel more complete. But I think we can work this out. Am I jumping the gun here? Is it normal for it to take many sessions for the therapist to accurately diagnose? I guess I'm just impatient as I already know he has it and I'm just waiting for her to come out and say it. I've tried everything with my husband. I've told him so many times how his behaviors affect me in such negative ways, but he just doesn't "get it". And acts like he doesn't care, though I know he loves me (I think?). Is it possible he may never admit he has it? Even if he's diagnosed? And I continue to tell him how much I'm hurting? I can't come close to imagine to divorcing him. How do I get through to him?? I can't live like this forever!
Will he ever realize it??
Submitted by Cathryn on 10/20/2009.
Wow Cathryn....
Submitted by Flower Lady on
Hon, you're not the only one who can say "That sounds JUST like my husband!!" I said that upon reading your post. :) I did exactly as you did...had my husband take an ADHD 'test', read tons about it, arranged for a doctor to evaluate etc etc. The first doctor my husband saw--our internist--doesn't believe in ADHD....and said so. He told my husband that there's no proof ADHD exists. Of course, that is JUST what my husband wanted to hear. I could've throttled the doctor for saying that. I'm still ticked about it. The psychiatrist my husband saw told him that very likely he did have ADHD, but that's not what my husband heard. He insists that the psych said nothing like that, that I imagined the whole thing. HAHAHAHA!! Oh that's a good one....sheesh. But I've run into others who don't believe the disorder is real, and if they do it's like "so what?" It's so darned frustrating I want to scream at times. Instead I usually take it out on my garden (consequently I have the nicest looking yard on the block...lol) My husband is still in denial and will soon be my ex-husband if this continues much longer. He knows this but continues to do nothing.
Here's what I would do if in your shoes....print some of the posts from this site....especially the ones that have descriptiions that sound just like your husband. Take them with you to the next counseling session and show the therapist...direct her to this site and have her take a look at what you're dealing with. It might help.
I don't know what to tell you that will get through to your husband...I'm still trying to figure that out myself. So far nothing has worked at all, and I've just decided to drop it completely. I can't live like this forever either. Sooner or later, my husband--and yours--will have to own their condition and the consequences of not treating it.
I wish you all the best. Keep coming back here...it's really helped me to know that I'm not the only one in the ADHD boat.
Thanks Flower Lady. I admit
Submitted by Cathryn on
Thanks Flower Lady. I admit it saddens me when I see others whose spouses still won't admit it after you knowing for so long. I had my husband read the post by Melissa that she has on the home page about an ADHD spouse realizing/admitting he has ADHD. Didn't phase my husband a bit. It's like anything I ask him to read he will read at some point (after much prodding)-he reads it but doesn't take any of it in. Just like I were talking to him and he wasn't listening ya know? I've done 100% of the research and he doesn't care a lick. Normal, I know. I have depression and I had a VERY hard time admitting to having it and making the doctor appt to be diagnosed and get meds. But now I'm SO glad I am and I know I'm a better wife for it. Is it selfish for me to ask him to do all this for me? He's not doing it for himself obviously, but even when I ask him to do it for me, he makes me feel selfish for saying that. I'm beginning to truly see that this will be a long and hard journey for me. I say me because...well..so far my husband is still happy in his own little world lol.
That's a good idea about printing out some things from here for the therapist. Should I bring them to the next session or get them to her sooner so she can read them BEFORE the next session? I'm still on the fence about whether she is "the one" so I hate to drag out our sessions with her longer than we want to before finding a better one.
Well...
Submitted by Flower Lady on
I'd send them in advance with a note attached so she can read them...would certainly save you time at your next session so you can discuss them more thoroughly.
Are you sure we're not married to the same man? lol They are just the same. I've come to wonder if there will ever be a so-called "light bulb moment" in my husband. Strangely enough, he's like Helen Keller....blind and deaf to the world around him. Sadly I can't put his hand under a water pump and trace the word in his palm so that he makes the connection. Doubtful he ever will. Like yours, he's happy in his own little world.
It makes me wonder, reading
Submitted by Ladyflower1 on
It makes me wonder, reading through most of these posts, why it's common theme for a spouse to deny they have ADHD. Even thouse who have been officially diagnosed still often deny it and consequently do nothing to help work on any problems. I can tell you that I lived 30 years of my life in blissful unawareness. I have described myself to my husband as oblivious to the world around me. I had heard of ADHD, but only as a childrens condition. I admit that I knew nothing about it and so I never even connected it to myself.
As the years went on my condition seemed to get worse. My husband and I got married when I was 25 and suddenly I had a home to take care of, bills to pay, we had a child, I was working full time. Everything seemed to overwhelm me and I was having a hard time coping. My husband knew something was wrong with me, but like me he had no clue about ADHD either. But, the thing is that I couldn't "see" that anything was wrong for a long time. I finally began to believe that something was wrong because my memory became a huge problem. I honestly thought that maybe I had a brain tumor! But still I never went to the doctor. It wasn't until one day that I read an article in a magazine about a woman that was diagnosed late in life (in her 50's) that I could "see" myself in there. I began doing research on my own and finally I went and got diagnosed. I am now on Adderall and my husband says it is helping. I'm able to focus better and because of that my memory has improved. I'm able to accomplish more.
Now, if someone had told me I had ADHD before I believed it myself I might have laughed it off because I really knew nothing about it. Now, everything makes sense in my life. My husband can go back to most of the arguments we've had over the years and attribute 90% of them to my ADHD. He can name specific examples of things that I had done that he couldn't explain before and now it makes total sense to him. Some of his "theories" in the past included drug and alcohol abuse. I do accept that this is what I have. But, I also accept that I do have limitations. I do accept that this is a "disability" that I have. I don't think everyone is so willing to accept this. I think some people would rather deny it than to admit they have a fault.
I don't know why your husband denys it. But, you might want to find out. Maybe he's just uneducated on the subject, in which you can educate him. Maybe he doesn't "see" a problem so is convinced there is no problem. Maybe he believes what the first doctor said, that it doesn't exist? Maybe he does see a problem, but believes admitting it would be admitting a weakness/fault with himself? I think if he really does have ADHD that you need to convince him, not the doctor. Because even if you manage to convince this doctor, he'll probably just revert to what the first doctor said and say this new doctor doesn't know what he's talking about.
I can identify completely!
Submitted by trav on
Thank you so much for your post, Cathryn. The expert my wife and I recently saw is having trouble making a diagnosis because my wife does not want to believe she has ADHD. She views her actions as normal and presents them to the psychologist that way. So I decided to go online and see if anyone else has had similar experiences. When I read your post, I felt as though I could have written it myself. Only the him is a her in my case.
I read the replies including the one from Ms. Orlov. This has given me hope that my perspective might still be right. It's fine with me if my wife does not have ADHD, but I know something's going on and it sure sounds like ADHD to me. I think there are probably many of us with spouses who are in denial and are very hard to diagnose (except by us).
The ironic part is that she's the one who gets frustrated because I am too "boring." I try to explain that I wouldn't be so boring if I didn't have to work 80 hours per week to maintain the lifestyle that she demands. You can imagine how well that reply goes over.
Cathryn and Flower Lady, we'll all get through this. I'm glad to know you are out there and I look forward to the day that we can all say our spouses are becoming more reliable and caring! :-)
Spouse unaware of ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Therapists aren't generally qualified to diagnose ADHD and many know very little about how ADHD affects relationships. Push yours on this one. The suggestion to show her some of the relevant posts from this site is a good one.
But, more important, is to get your husband evaluated. Consider saying something like this to him:
"All the evidence that I can find suggests that you have ADHD. However, I'm not an expert in this, and neither is our therapist. I'm asking you to get a full evaluation with a neuropsychiatrist to see if I'm correct. If I am, then we will learn a lot about how we can make our marriage better. If I'm wrong, then I'll stop pursuing this question and move in a new direction with your input. You have nothing to lose by doing the evaluation - it commits you to nothing - and we both have so much to gain! This is really, really important to me, and I'm asking that you do it because you love me and I'm requesting it. It really is THAT important to me." If he gives you any opening, tell him you'll find a doctor for him and set up the appointment (don't wait for him to do it...not likely to get done).
Also, know that not accurately reporting what's going on in your life is a very common ADHD trait. It's part of having ADHD, in fact, not being all that aware of how you fit into the world around you and how you affect those around you. Also common - not reading emotional cues well. When you say you don't think he "gets it" you may well be right - I used to be AMAZED that I could say something like "I'm miserably unhappy in this marriage" and my husband would continue to think that everything was fine.
He won't start to be more with it until he sees that he has ADHD and then starts to question the status quo. So focus on confirming or discrediting your diagnosis first.
Next month our marriage will
Submitted by Again and Again on
Next month our marriage will be 18 years old. This is the second marriage for both of us. We promised and promised and promised each other that we would never be divorced. We would never do to eachother what our first spouses had done to us. We would never cause eachother that kind of pain. (Neither of us believe in divorce...lol ) The only thing I did not realize was all the work in the relationship was going to be done by me and all the enjoyment and playing was going to be done by him.
I too have said in counseling sessions how unhappy and miserable I have been only to have him say "my happiness should not depend on him." (true to a point) Then he goes off in his happy world, doing whatever it is that he finds to do.
He was diagnosed about 9 years ago, he has been on medicine since then. Things were better for a little while, but not long. Last month I told him I could not live like this anymore. I could not think or carry life's load for both of us any longer. I was tired.
I told him I would leave for a while and we could think about what we really wanted. The very next day he joined 3 dating web sites. I was crying my eyes out and he was preparing his profiles for not just 1 site, but 3!! I came back before the week was up and said "obviously you have made your decision." We talked and I agreed to 2 more weeks of "thinking". He lasted 1 week without the dating and other sites. His efforts included a rose and a box dinner. He is now preparing to move out this weekend and is acting like a kid going off to college. I am dying and he seems anxious for his new adventure. I have given up trying to understand. I have given up trying. I love him with all my heart but I am so tired, I can barely think for myself.
If you can make it work and be happy that will be awesome. Do not forget about yourself. Loving yourself and caring for yourself is also a very high command in the scriptures.
You only have one life to live.
You sound like a very patient
Submitted by trav on
You sound like a very patient and caring person. It's a shame he does not value the relationship as much as you do. Obviously the medicine he was prescribed was not a long-term solution. It sounds as though you did everything you could for him.