New to this site and forum and having a particularly hard day. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD 15 months ago at age 39 after years of dealing with anxiety and depression and not being correctly diagnosed with the underlying ADHD he's had his whole life. He is now on medication, going to start working with an ADHD executive skills coach, and we are seeing a couples therapist who specializes in ADHD but the rollercoaster of this ride has felt unbearable at times and is making me question whether or not I can stay in this marriage. I'm worried so much damage has been done over the past 9 years before his diagnosis that we can't climb out of it. We have a young son and I am currently pregnant. I am the over functioner/planner/captain of the family. If I get sick or need rest, which has happened a lot in this pregnancy, not only does everything seem to fall apart but my husband is also resentful and, quite frankly, rude to me when I'm ill instead of being a caretaker. It's like he just gets so overwhelmed he can't handle it, shorts out, and I end up having to either A) call him out on it after I wind up being so exhausted I'm in tears or B) I just have to take care of myself when I'm falling apart and don't have any juice left but I do it anyways. I am the one who has to clean up all the messes, carry the mental load, and be the primary parent while trying to pursue my own career (which has certainly suffered as a result of having to pick up the pieces of messes my husband has made including some major financial indiscretions of his). I struggle with trusting that things will improve or that he will ever have the skills to be the kind of partner I want. I can tell he's trying so hard and there are so many things about our lives that are better now that A) he's been diagnosed and B) that he's started medication. But it just seems like we're in this constant cycle of making headway a few inches but then immediately getting slammed back several feet - it never feels like we're in a place where we can hum along and enjoy our lives for long stretches of time. It always feels so hard and like if one thing maybe works for a few days something else inevitably goes wrong and it's a dumpster fire; it feels like other couples who don't deal with ADHD have easier lives. I don't feel like I can ever trust that the changes or good times will last. How do you know it's worth holding on and how do you know that things will get to a place of being more manageable? I feel like I'm drowning all the time, not getting what I want out of the marriage, and that I'm constantly being asked to be patient as he learns how to manage this. But when do I get to feel like things are joyful and enjoyable and that I have an actual partner who feels like a partner instead of another child or a weight constantly dragging me down? It feels like I've lost the ability to see what I like in my husband or, even when I do, something ends up wiping it out it when he inevitably drops the ball. He is a good man with a good heart, an excellent father and I can see how there's a world where we could be so happy together. But when do you know that it's never going to be like that and you're just fooling yourself into staying in a miserable cycle? I truly don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Am I expecting too much? Do I just have a fantasy of being with someone who doesn't really exist and if I stay or if I go I'll just be disappointed either way?
Will It Ever Get Better
Submitted by Emerald31 on 03/30/2023.
I see a lot of myself and my
Submitted by needingstrength on
I see a lot of myself and my marriage in your words. Husband diagnosed in his 30s and it's the clear explanation for all of his struggles from when he was young. He's diagnosed but won't do meds, so here we are. The past few years have honestly been incredibly hard on our marriage. Lots of adulthood stressors and we had our kid. Having the kid was what first sent him on the spiral of not being able to handle stressors. Parenthood was a lot for him. He just loses his mind sometimes because he has a lack of freedom as compared to before. I can relate to the hostility and resentment about the being sick thing. I had surgery a few months ago and his behavior was appalling. He behaved resentfully, got overwhelmed that he just ignores me, and was so "jealous" of the "attention" I got at the hospital (it was one-day, outpatient) and he totally lost it. Brought up all sorts of past offenses I've done and related those instances to claiming I was selfish in the hours after surgery (I had a bad, severe reaction to some medications and for several hours post-surgery the "attention" was on me at the hospital.) His behavior was awful and I was in a dark place. This has similarly also happened with a past medical crisis. He can't handle being a caretaker for a major thing for even a day. Honestly, it is incredibly disappointing and I'm still hurt. I'm working through the loss of knowing my spouse can't handle a serious illness or medical needs.
I can also understand how these feelings conflict with my love for my spouse. We've been together through some tough times and there's a connection between us. I have no plans to leave. He does do things that show he loves me, but they are not obvious and I have to read between the lines. I do love him and try to remember that marriage is a "long game." What helps me is to (try) to focus only on myself, my personal reactions, my thoughts, and just let him literally deal with himself. I just drop things now. When he overreacts or freaks out, picks a fight, starts to argue, all of these things that are in the manner of his ADHD causing it (I have started to observe and be able to tell if it's an ADHD spiral) I completely disengage. He might as well be yelling at a rock. I offer no suggestions, no opinions, listen and go about my business. My strategy is to be the example of how matters should be handled with no comment because it's the criticism specifically that sets him off. If he senses any sort of tone to my words that imply he is being criticized by me, it sets him off.
I was you....
Submitted by Elliej on
I empathise. I was you. I effectively shut up, stopped communicating, gave no opinions. I was always told i was wrong, i was attacking, i was criticising, i was hurtful....for opinions i thought were justified. When i expressed how i felt i was told "no thats not it" or "actually its this", so as to diminish my feelings. And it caused me to withdraw and go into denial. Be careful, as when you deny yourself to have a voice and ignore your gut it is very very damaging to your mental health. Ypu start to downplay and accept certain treatment and your boundaries disappear. Good luck to you xx
I feel your pain
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Being in somewhat the same context, I'm moved by your situation. The stress of everything falling apart as soon as you turn your back, is truly sickening.
I might have some advice, regarding the pregnancy (I've been through three of those long before my husband had an ADD diagnosis but was increasingly dysfunctional.) Get practical and emotional help from other people. Maybe you're like me and hate to bother friends and relatives with requests. I never asked for help, that was a mistake. It is terribly important to be supported during the pregnancy and with a small infant, especially with the added demands of parenting an older child.
I do wish all the best for you. Happiness and clear boundaries, and peace of mind.
Similar timelines
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
Hi,
I feel we are at the same.point. My wife was diagnosed around 18months ago. She is taking meds. They seem to work a bit, but just seem to motivate her to still do what she wants when she wants. I am the adult, the carer, the parent. I'm not sure I can do it.anymore. I can't keep up with the mess whilst being all of these.things.
Today I was painting to move my son into a bigger room. After weeks of clearing, painting, plastering, carpentry and electrics I had a couple of things to finish. I came downstairs to find she was playing Super Mario. I said nothing. Then when I went to the kitchen to clean up I found the sink was full of dishes. I washed the dishes and when she came through she said she was "going" to do it. I told her maybe she should have done it instead of playing video games or even better. Could have helped me. She told me I should have asked for help. WTF.
I collected my son the other day, took him to the dentist then to the shop and then made dinner. I had to work in the evening, she sent my son into my office to ask If I could put him to bed. She was planning to read her own book rather than to him.
Her priority is either Box Sets, Books, Video games or whatever the latest obsession is. Neither me or my son are that obsession. She is a teacher and then uses work as an excuse during.holidays and then does no work or anything that we need done.
She's happy to start planning something new and then gives up on everything else. E.g. starts planning a holiday, but then doesn't help getting jobs in the house done prior to the holiday.
I have zero hope for the future.