Hello Everyone. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 14 years old (currently I am 28). I stopped medication when I was 22 years old. I was doing well in college and had good friendships. However my grades were better in my junior and senior years of college and graduate school. Now I realize I was doing well because those with ADD can concentrate well on things they find interesting. So these classes i was in were directly related to my desired job one day. I had even thought that I may had been diagnosed at age 14 as there was alot of instability in my home life at the time. Last year I got married and after being married for less than a year my husband has left. In stepping back and doing more research I have realized more that ADD is a behavioral disorder as well and fully believe I do have this disorder. My husband says he does not care and that he wants to divorce me. He is upset I didn't tell him in more detail about me having this. I didn't think I had it anymore and did over dinner one night briefly say I was on medication for ADD in the past. However with not taking it for years it simply did not seem important for me to share as it can be overdiagnosed as well. I did not have too much in depth knowledge about ADD. He says I took his future away from him. I have started treatment for this again, am seeing my own counselor, have offered counseling for us and said seperation for however long is alright with me. My husband has already sent me divorce papers. Any suggestions?
Woman with ADD and husband wants divorce
Submitted by womanwithadd on 10/03/2015.
What had been happening prior to him leaving?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm sorry to hear that you're going thru this.
What had been going on in the marriage and household before he moved out?
It doesn't seem reasonable that everything was going well, and then your H found out that you had ADHD as a child and moved out.
It sounds like there were problems in your marriage, then he found out that were told as a child that you had ADHD but didn't tell him. So, what were the problems?
I was very angry at my H when I found out 25 years after we were married that he had had a severe breakdown in college....couldn't go to class, couldn't leave his bed, OCD behaviors out of control, etc.
Neither he nor his family told me. That fact would have exposed that H was mentally ill from before I met him....instead I had to listen to year of him accusing that I cause his problems. Uh, no.....and now I have proof.
I had been told that he was Dx'd as "hyperactive" as a child (they didn't call it ADHD back then). But back then, everyone was told that that was a "kid thing" that they grow out of during their teen years....so hearing that didn't seem scary.
When I met H he was a 27 year old newish employee after getting his graduate degree. He was excited to be working his career, and that translated into "good feelings" that masked many of his problems. But, after marriage, his disorders started slowly oozing out...worsening with each year or with each new life-stressor.
So, during the year that you've been married, what has been going on? have their been fights over money? over spending? chores not getting done? husband feeling ignored as you hyper-focus on school? arguments? illogical thinking? trouble taking responsibility for mistakes> What has been going on?
Your H has made it clear that simply knowing "my wife has ADHD," is not enough for him to overlook the symptoms and keep going with the marriage. This isn't like a situation where on spouse says, "hey, you never told me that you're allergic to oranges and peanuts." In that situation, a spouse just accepts because those allergies don't harm the marriage or the relationship. Your H is likely unhappy with something that is going on in the home that is ADHD caused, so he doesn't believe he should have to put up with it for the rest of his life. Am I far off in my guesses? If so, please clarify.
He likely has concluded that he needs to "cut his losses" before he has children with someone who he doesn't feel will be a great partner/parent. That is my guess. Am I far-off in my feelings? I don't know what has gone on in your household, but it would be a reasonable guess that your H has seen/experienced situations that he believes aren't conducive to having a "happy marriage" and healthy household for raising children.
If you want to have any chance of saving your marriage than you need treatment, therapy and a complete demonstration that your symptoms can be controlled. When you see or talk to your spouse, evidence of your ADHD should not be "oozing" out, so to speak.
What has been going on?
When summer was approaching I
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When summer was approaching I was switching positions at my school (not prefered), his father was visiting from Europe for a month (in whom I do not know well and does not speak english), my husband just got a new job an hour away from our home after three months of being laid off and then the day hit I got a text saying my grandmother had cancer. I got irritable that my husband had not checked in on me after learning the health information and I got irate. I texted him that I was very upset, that I didn't want to do anything with him over the weekend etc., he called me a pathetic little girl and then I texted him to move out, of course not meaning it. Then he came home, packed up and moved to Orlando with his dad tagging along.
________________
When I wrote the first reply, I didn't realize that you were the same person who wrote in another thread detailing some of your problems, including jealousy and outbursts.
I think your H just doesn't want the drama associated wth someone with ADHD and GAS. It sounds like you have outbursts, and maybe tantrums....and you may have "over the top" reactions. Yes, you were very sad to learn that your grandmother has cancer. I'm sorry to hear that. But typically men aren't going to "check on their wives" during the day after such news. They assume that they'll hear more about it once they're home from work.
When you're bothered by something (the cancer news about your grandma), you are rightfully upset over the news, but that won't translate well to another person who isn't sharing the same sad reaction. While it's certainly very sad when a grandparent gets sick (and maybe later passes away), but some will naturally have the reaction that that is part of the life cycle and not be as emotional about it as they would be at hearing that a young child or young parent has been diagnosed.
It sounds like you attacked your H for not understanding how upset you were at the news anf for not "checking on you" throughout the day. Your H probably also was annoyed with you that you weren't understanding that he has a new job, is trying to make a good impression, is focused on that, and believed that dealing with your sad news could wait until he got home. He's also under some stress with his father visiting. In your mind, your stress trumped his stress....and he got walloped for it.
You went from 0-65 miles per hour in anger within a short time over a minor "offense".....and offense that is really a "men are from mars, women are from venus" sort of thing.
I repeat my advice above... If you want a chance at saving your marriage then you need to be able to demonstrate that you have gotten control of your emotions and outbursts and jealousy. (You didn't detail the jealousy issues, but I can tell you that having a "jealous spouse" is extremely annoying....and not something anyone wants to deal with for the next 50 years.
Are you on new meds? Are you regularly seeing a therapist? When you speak to your H are you very pleasant and drama-free?
Yes there had been a variety
Submitted by womanwithadd on
Yes there had been a variety of reactions at times but they would last minutes. He would not always let me know he saw things as problems and would even agree with me at large in many cases. I would usually appoligize right after in many cases. I can understand if my husband doesn't want drama, but I was unmedicated. I am on medication now and this to me can make a huge difference.
When learning about my grandmothers cancer it was in the evening and my husband was out drinking with his father he had already well over 5 hours been home from work. I still believe he should have asked if I needed anything and not waited until the middle of the night to console me. I can understand where you are talking about it would be more shocking if a parent was diagnosed. However my grandmother was very much a parent to me as I lost my dad very young. So my spouse really needed to take that into consideration. My husband didn't check on me period. So I was not acting needy for a long duration. All I wanted was one single simple text of "Can I do anything for you". I was just as stressed as he with a new job and with his father being here. I would think he would have expected me to do the same for him in such an event. I think that is very understandable. I could have told him that I really needed him and should have eventually, but we all want to deep down feel that someone willingly offered.
Again, I am on meds and have been for 4 months. I go to counseling once a week if not more. My husband refuses to speak to me, go to counseling...anything. I know he is hurt but now I see that he may not deserve me. He has hurt me to the very core. Anything he has said to me has been very cruel and my friends do not feel his words are encouraging to me making a more positive life. I need him to be pleasant and drama free too. I deserve that, anyone with a disability does....you do not meet anger with anger that was in the past. Especially if it was for a short time, especially when your spouse is doing anything to make a difference. Also if your spouse did not suggest counseling at the time. As a human being I would at least like him to say I am proud of what you are doing.
Like you have stated you have
Submitted by womanwithadd on
Like you have stated you have seen my previous post. Alot had been going on we got a new home, dog, moved to a different area, both started new jobs and recently got married. On top of that my father in law was coming to live with us for a while and yes grandmother was ill (who is like my parent). This was an exciting time but overstimulating in the end.
When you say that it doesn't seem reasonable my husband found out I had ADHD and moved out that is basically how I feel about it now. Yes there were events that happened, but in the end he is leaving because he does not want to try to get through this together. I am sorry I just do not think that is acceptable as a spouse. It is easy to blame those of us that have been diagnosed. However at the end of the day we are all unique and one diagnosis is not like the other. I don't even feel you should have been mad at your husband necessarily as that may have not lasted long. I really think it is easy especially during college to get overwhelmed. But it sounds like he picked himself up and succeeded. That is the important thing. We all have feelings that vary possibly in different parts in our life to some degree. I really would not like for my husband to ever call me mentally ill. I truthfully hope you do not say that to him. I would never describe myself either as mentally ill.
I totally get where you say that you were upset that he was blaming things on you for a year. I understand your upset, but love always needs to concur. We are taking medication to be on track to live good lives with those we love. So it is important to be thankful in the end, that he loves you enough hopefully to take his treatment seriously. Please remember others do not see our struggles either, so it is important to have a caring spouse. There are probably many of days where he felt he could only confide in you because he believed you cared and understood. In no way shape or form does someone who has some type of disorder end up being unable to be a great spouse.
We all have our own problems. My husbands problems....never taking time to his self. He constantly had to be with me all the time. This is overwhelming and he needs to have his own hobbies. I see where you say with each year and life stressor things became hard. Did you guys take time for yourselves? It sounds like in college he stayed in his room for a while. Maybe he is someone who needs space. I know it was frustrating to me my husband never seemed secure enough to do some activities on his own. I always felt pressured to find ways to occupy our time. So these were new pressures I had not felt before marriage. I didn't have much time to acclimate.
During our marriage there have not been fights over money as we both have good jobs. There has been no fighting over spending due to that we both keep seperate accounts and are good managers of those. We are both very responsible, especially when it comes to money. I am actually the biggest saver out of the two of us. My mother taught me at a young age. I would say there were chore things, but my husband did not tell me until now because of course he is mad. So there you have it, someone who is not diagnosed has their own issues. He should have let me know that things were bothering him. Because now it seems unfair to me that he is bringing all this up when he never even tried to address it. Before treatment though I will admit my husband was probably feeling ignored, felt we got upset about things that did not matter and admitting when we have done something wrong.
I feel it is very unfortunate that my husband is not willing to help me work on things. I am on medication, doing well, going to weekly counseling, reading Melissa's books and working the best I know how to. I have a hard time believing someone would make such a harsh decision. I would ask that you do not put on me that I was acting like this was just something as not telling him I was allergic to food. I was never hiding anything. I was not on medication at the time during school for behavior reasons, just because I had a hard time focusing. Also with the anxiety I was very shy and went to an extrordinary large school and would get very nervous in the halls for example, because yes kids can be mean. Yes, I believe my husband is unhappy with some things that are ADHD caused, but he has not given me a single day of experiencing life on medication with me. I have not chosen nor would I for him to deal with uncontrolled symptoms for the rest of his life. I have taken responsibility as a spouse. I deserve much credit for seeking assistance. He fell in love with me while not on medicine, he lived with me while not on medicine and now has been recently seeing ADHD symptoms due to an overload of life changes. I did not expect this to happen, but realize it and am moving forward positively. I have to say as well we all have different situations with our ADHD and there are many categories of behavior that are not applicable to me.
I think it is the worst thing in the world for someone to "cut losses" and not even let someone seek help, not even help them seek help. That is really very hurtful. I am very capable of being a great spouse and parent. I ask that you please not continue to make such references or simply not reply to my posts anymore if you cannot refrain. There are many things that I could think of that if I wanted to could say that he would not make a good parent. But I choose to see the good in people and their possibilities for success and that they are taking steps to achieve their goals.
I have been treated since the week after he left the house, I have gone to therapy weekly and sometimes more and am seeking support from family or friends. In order to show him demonstrations of complete control he has to give me the opportunity. He is not giving me a leg to stand on. I am a very put together person and have put my self out there respectively. No one is perfect, but we can all strive for more perfect days. ADHD is not a life sentence in misery and has never been with me with or without medication.
I think you misunderstood....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>
I think it is the worst thing in the world for someone to "cut losses" and not even let someone seek help, not even help them seek help. That is really very hurtful. I am very capable of being a great spouse and parent. I ask that you please not continue to make such references or simply not reply to my posts anymore if you cannot refrain.
>>>>
I was only offering what could possibly be "his perspective". It would not be unusual for a person who is youngish with no children to have that perspective, as harsh as it may sound. Don't you want to consider how he may be looking at things?
We also don't know what advice he's getting from his father. His dad was in your home. He may not speak English, so he probably was observing some things. Since they're from another country, they may have a different idea of how marriages should work. For all we know, his dad may be saying things like, "Remember Aunt Sophie and Uncle Samuel. You don't want to end up with a marriage like that." Seriously, that is how families often talk when advising their adult children who are in troubled marriages. His dad wouldn't be aware of how medications and therapy can help improve various situations.
The fact that your H just quickly moved out, taking his dad with him, is suspicious to me. If his dad was supportive of the marriage, wouldn't he have tried to talk his son out of such a hasty move and decision? Why didn't he?
Believe me, I UNDERSTAND how influential relatives can be. My H's brother, who has never spent much time with us, except for a few pleasant dinners (they live thousands of miles away), believed some outrageous things that my alcoholic H told him, so his brother naively pressured H to divorce me. H went to live with his brother during this process....and lo and behold.....his brother quickly learned that H is the main problem....drinking, yelling, argumentative, needy, whining, losing things, breaking things, irresponsible, insensitive, etc. H's brother rarely talks to him.....H's brother and his wife are likely angry at H and themselves for all the misinformation and their involvement.
Whether "cutting losses" is the "right" perspective for that spouse to have, doesn't matter. If they have it, they have it...and that could be what you're dealing with. Of course that is a painful thought, but do you want to understand where he may be coming from - no matter if his thoughts are right or wrong?
I'm not suggesting that that is what I think your H should do. My H once had a therapist who asked him, "what do you think it's like being married to you?" Was she trying to be "mean"? NO. She was just wanting H to stop and think what the perspective might be for the spouse living with him. H can be needy, demanding, and occasionally jealous. The jealous aspect has only showed up in the last 10 years. Don't know what's triggered that.
Yes, this all may be painful to hear, but don't you want to know what may be going on in his head? How else can you figure out what's best to do unless you consider what he may be thinking???
I have said that if your H could see the "new and improved" you, then maybe he would give the marriage a second chance. Since he doesn't live near you, can that still happen? of course, if he just sees one day of improvement, he's not going to be convinced, so are there any other options?
If you can't spend some days around your H in order for him to see improvements, then perhaps writing him a letter from an empathetic viewpoint could help. Give him empathy for what he experienced on "his side." Apologize for any of your own part of the marital troubles. Take ownership for your part. Mention your improvements. Don't write too much otherwise he won't read it.
I know that this is very sad for you. We can't force people to give us another chance. Some people just make decisions and move on....they don't ever revisit their decisions. Some people don't confront when they see behaviors that they don't like. Some don't give the other person a "heads up" that they dont like certain behaviors. They just leave.
But...hopefully, you can find a way to help your H be open to a second chance.
Yes, I know and I do
Submitted by womanwithadd on
Yes, I know and I do appeceite it. Because I know I have never meant any harm. I wish I could have seen this coming, but this was alot of firsts for me and just panned out to be way overwhelming for me. Yes, I get how he could see things that way. I just wish he would even discuss things such as not wanting to possibly have our children affected. He doesn't see a second of me working hard. We wanted everything together and only four months ago he was talking about our kids playing soccer one day, this was when his dad was here. It makes me feel like...if he were saying these things with and without his dad there then how did we get here so fast? I guess that is where I feel he has to some degree felt that because I have ADD and some anxiety that I am not capable. I feel very judged. I am ok with judgment I guess just did not expect this at all, wish if he were to highly judge regarding this that I at the point of becoming more of a couple would have connected symptoms more to some things that were going on. I am glad being 28 I have a better understanding of myself at this point in my life and hope to just continue to grow in a positive way.
I think you are so definity correct with the father thing. My family truely believes this too. My husband and I were very much the modern couple of that we both do work/cooking etc. When his dad was here my husband continued our pattern. However in observing his father you would think he has a maid working at this home. He never picked up a thing. I just tried not to think much of it as he was nice in paying for things that we did together. Yes, I think it was very bad and there were assumptions made due to him not understanding English at least I feel. My husband has never had this situation where his significant other could not communicate with his dad. So he was probably on edge himself. It is just a tough situation and my husband and I had not been together enough for me to learn much Dutch yet, but I really wanted to learn. I was planning to do alot this summer, unfortuneatly was planning for a divorce. I completly agree that people can have huge judgments in comparing others to themselves. My husbands mother now decesased was a stay at home mom who made crafts to sell at art shows. So his father probably saw me as unacomidating. When my husband has a different style and of course this is the modern world. My husbands sister has even refused to go on vacations with her father anymore due to that her dad does not clean up after himself and does not offer to do tasks on his own. Yes, it is so suspicious to me too and everyone I know. I also have found out that four days after he moved out he was calling companies in California. He is moving all the way there! I mean four days after you leave your wife? I don't know. Seems really fast to me, especially when just days ago talking about getting a vacation home in North Carolina as well. It is just surreal and confusing to me. That is what my grandmother and aunt said that wouldn't he be talking to his son about commitment? Especially because he himself was only ever married to one woman.
Yes, relatives make or break everything. It is interesting because you only see them every time and again. And even though family is family, can you truely say you know your family members. I mean I live away long distance so of course it is harder now, but many of us have no at large idea of that persons experiences on a daily basis. Nor how they "really" are. I am sorry to hear your husband is an alcoholic...really sorry. Alcoholism is by far one of the worst things. I saw my grandfather a war veteran's life disinigrate, my grandparents were high school sweethearts. I'm glad he got to end up living with his brother, hopefully he has some newfound respect for you! I am sure they are totally embarased now. They probably are very thankful that you put up with him and have not left. Hopefully he does not send you over the edge. But you will know if the time is ever right. My father was also an alcoholic. Like I said he died when I was young, but I still heard stories from my mom. It is really upsetting to see how much of the good years they wasted.
Yes, I know your right with the "cutting losses", it just really hurts. I feel just so abandoned. I could have never seen this coming and feel I have been down this road so much as a child. I just don't have anymore to give or at least won't for a while. It is just so hard. All I want is for someone to be there and want to try for us. People have walked away so easily out of my life. So when someone does come along it makes it difficult to mindfully not have "your guard up". I wish he had the patience or whatever to do something positive with this situation. But all I hear are mean things. Yes, I totally get where that therapist is coming from. I really wish that question could be asked about how he thinks I feel as well. Then what are we going to do to make changes without driving each other crazy hopefully. Yeah that is really interesting that the jelousy part has shown up in the last 10 years for you. I would think that would more start from the beginning and then calm down as time passes. Does your husband admit to being jelouse. I know this has been a factor for me. i feel a part of it may be ADD, but a large part of my stepdad cheating on my mom when I was a young girl.
Thank you for giving me a perspective. I get it. I just cannot seem to put all of these pieces together. I would at least like to have closure and for me that would be ending this in a way that didn't seem like he hated me. This is someone I loved very much. I can't fathom the great lengths he has gone. For me this was the last straw. At 28 years old I never want to marry again. It is time I live for myself, family and friends and if someone shares some of that time with me so be it.
Yes, I wish my husband would give me a chance. Instead he says "people get better at sports, they don't better themselves and become better people". I am not trying to change the person I am in my heart, just the part of me that gets overwhelmed and doesn't express myself as I usually would and want to. He is not giving me any other chances at all. Not a cup of coffee, not a phone call, not a couples counseling session, no visit to my doctor. He says he can't be my friend nor my spouse. He says I need to love myself before others can love me. The thing is I do love myself and I obviously love myself enough to reach out for all the help I have. I just don't understand why him and I are so quickly on oposit teams. I have not had any relationship end like this. In my past relationships we were always able to get coffee or say hello every now and then. He basically tells me he hates me.
Yes, I think your letter would be a good idea. I have said how I feel the things I have done are going to make me a better spouse. But a complete letter in his viewpoint would help. it has been very difficult to understand what his true viewpoint is to some degree as he told me things that he had never told me before. Yet he said these things in a mean way like I should have known. He can't even tell me that he knows he never told me this before and give me that credit. But I will write him and try to keep it short. I am a talker...but I will try very hard :)
I hope he will reach out eventually and be open to a second chance. In the meantime he has created a new facebook in order for all our wedding pictures to not be tagged,he erassed our wedding video off of youtube and deleated me on linkedin. I just don't get it. Just seems pretty harsh with all of this put together.
<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
. I am sorry to hear your husband is an alcoholic...really sorry. Alcoholism is by far one of the worst things. I saw my grandfather a war veteran's life disinigrate, my grandparents were high school sweethearts. I'm glad he got to end up living with his brother, hopefully he has some newfound respect for you! I am sure they are totally embarased now. They probably are very thankful that you put up with him and have not left. Hopefully he does not send you over the edge. But you will know if the time is ever right. My father was also an alcoholic. Like I said he died when I was young, but I still heard stories from my mom. It is really upsetting to see how much of the good years they wasted.
<<<<<
What I didn't realize that before H became an alcoholic (which started about 13 years ago (we've been together for about 35 years), was that H was a "dry drunk" before. Angry, raging, irrational.....and once he started regularly drinking, it even got worse.
>>>
Yes, I know your right with the "cutting losses", it just really hurts. I feel just so abandoned. I could have never seen this coming and feel I have been down this road so much as a child.
>>>>
I think that you're experiencing some of the same out of control abandonment issues that you felt when your father died when you were young. That was furthered by your mom's string of poor relationships.
The more you describe your H, the more black/white he seems to be. I'm not saying that it's impossible to change his mind, but when someone is the type that when they make a decision, they won't bend, it can be impossible to change his mind.
If you aren't able to change his mind, then really the best situation is to be successful.
I agree with OWW
Submitted by doublej on
Womanwithadd,
Your initial post on this thread asked for suggestions. OWW was offering suppositions based on her own experience. This is natural so please do not take offense with her. You did the same thing above by putting yourself in OWW's husband's shoes several times. (For example, "It sounds like in college he stayed in his room for a while. Maybe he is someone who needs space.") One reason for this forum is to understand others' perspectives (ADHD and non-ADHD) and hopefully gain insight that you can apply to your own relationship.
You are understandably frustrated. You want answers and your husband isn't talking. We are trying to help you make sense of this situation, but we only hear your side of the story. We can only work with the clues you give us.
Like OWW, I'm having trouble reconciling what you have written. I also think it is strange that your husband just cut you off immediately and totally without warning. If that is the whole story, then he is an ass and good riddance. It's better you learned that now, than later. However, that interpretation doesn't fit with other descriptions you have given like "My husband is a successful man, who is kind, honest and loving. He would have done anything for me." (quoted from a different thread.) You really do give mixed messages in your writing.
If you just want to vent that's perfectly acceptable. There's a whole thread called "slug box" where people air their frustrations. If you ask for input, be ready to hear it.
Thanks for your post. Yes, it
Submitted by womanwithadd on
Thanks for your post. Yes, it is hard not to want to sympathize with the one you identify with the most.
He did he left while I was begging him not to go. i was crying and had so many things planned for when his dad was here. I was very much wanting to spend time with his dad as I do not really have one (my mom has had the same boyfriend for 8 years now). Yes, the person I did know my husband to be is kind, honest and loving. Now everyday I get up trying to still try convince myself of it, even though I see him slipping away and there has not been a nice word basically in sight. It is hard to change your mind about someone you love.
<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<
I don't even feel you should have been mad at your husband necessarily as that may have not lasted long. I really think it is easy especially during college to get overwhelmed. But it sounds like he picked himself up and succeeded.
It sounds like in college he stayed in his room for a while.
<<<
It lasted for over 18 months. He only left his bedroom in his family's home or the mental hospital when his parents drove him to therapy.
I am not so much mad as disappointed that he kept that very important info from me because it would have given me fair warning, plus it would have provided some insight to the therapist we saw after we had been married of 8 years. That therapist, I believe, sensed that something was very wrong, but because H kept that info a secret, it delayed diagnoses and treatment.
His mom was very aware of the seriousness of H's MI's because she wouldn't allow him to "go away" for undergrad like she had let the others. She knew H couldn't handle the stress. But, none of that was conveyed to me.
H did succeed career-wise (if you read some of my past posts, you'll see that wasn't due to overcoming his MI, but because he had a lot of luck with his career (a near perfect world for an ADHD and PD person, and later alcoholic)....and when that luck "ran out", things did come crashing down....but luckily at a time when he already had earned a good pension.