Today I almost broke down when I met my ex-husband shortly. Even though I reminded myself what he's done, and kept my boundary. He came at me smiling, kind and glowing.
So this is who I've divorced. The man whom I've loved for so long. Excuse me, Cantgoback who said the other day that I'm codependent and wrong to call it love.
I'm a mess now, crying because by getting rid of the bad, I also lost the good. I almost destroyed myself to sustain the marriage, and it was not because I was stupid or in denial. Not even because I wanted to preserve it for the children, even though that was important. It was because I was attracted to him and preferred him to everyone else. When symptoms allowed me to glimpse him.
I wish he wouldn't present himself like this, but keep the attitude he's had during divorce.
The other day, I met the husband of a friend in town. He knows about my recent divorce. He also has ADHD. The way he showed his sympathy during this brief encounter, made me acutely aware how I connect with him emotionally too. It's weirdly the same. And it's terribly powerful. I think I have it in me, in my original family. ADHD is probably my preference, and it hurts me. How sad is that. I have absolutely no masochistic tendencies. But the wiring seems very unfortunate.
Don’t second guess yourself
Submitted by sickandtired on
I took my ex back for a short time for this very reason. He presented himself as the kind, funny guy I fell in love with. He could not hold up the facade very long, and soon began to voice resentment, blaming only me for the breakup, showing absolutely no insight into his bad behavior. I think he was nice to me only to manipulate his way back into my house. So as soon as he got comfortable in my home again, I had to go through the pain of enduring his insults, inappropriate anger outbursts and paranoia. I had to endure the pain of dumping him all over again, which left me angry at myself and doubting my own perceptions for taking him back in the first place.
Manipulation
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Sorry to hear about your experience. You are so right. It's probably manipulation of some kind. Even if there isn't a conscious plan, he might try to gain something by it.
There is no letting him back into my home. As a matter of fact I've decided he's not welcome inside. We already moved back together last year and it didn't work at all. But I understand why you tried.
I know I am a perfect stranger.
Submitted by brindle2 on
Swedish, I don't know if you're a hugger, and I don't know you at all, nor you me, but reading your post makes me want to fold you up into a hug. I can feel the pain in your words, and my heart is sad with yours.
It could be part manipulation, or it could be that right now he is in another kind of hyperfocus with this new stage of life. Or, it could be both. Either way or both ways, I am sorry. Try to do something pampering for yourself today, if you can swing it. Even if it is just your most comfy clothes at home and a favorite warm beverage. Try to do something nice for you. You gave much to him and the marriage, and now you deserve some comfort.
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Thank you so much for your kindness. You made my day easier to bear.
I can relate
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I have that unspoken chemistry with ADHD people too. I think I'm attracted to the off the wall sense of humour or unique approach to life and they see in me someone who appreciates that. I don't know what it is, but I'm very aware of it now and determined that my head will lead if I ever start dating again (and I would not date someone with ADHD again no matter how undeniable the attraction).
I know exactly what you mean about seeing the good parts of your ex. It hurts. Mine can also be wonderful and I can still see why we fell in love. He is very funny, we still converse easily and he can still be very kind (on his terms). I wish the many dozens of negatives didn't exist but I've lived them and know they do. I know my experience would be the same as sickandtired's if I'd ever relented.
Maybe just congratulate yourself because you did choose someone for their good qualities at the outset. Who could have predicted the mess we'd find ourselves in years later? We didn't know. I'm sorry this part hurts so much. :( 2024 is a new year that promises to be better than 2023 for you. You've been through a lot and are an absolute inspiration for others struggling.
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Melody, thank you so much for being there.
I find comfort in that you also have that unspoken chemistry. And yes, both you and I must have started those relationships in good faith. I know neither my family, nor closest friends including the friend who lived with my husband and me for months when we first met, had a clue to what lay ahead. It's not really visible, is it?
I find courage in knowing that you are doing so well a few years after divorce. Whatever we've lost, there's still time to celebrate a new year and new possibilities.
All the best to you for 2024!