Submitted by AllTheSmallThings on 10/26/2020.
Hi all,
I realize this is a forum for addressing ADHD-related problems in marriages, and maybe venting a little, too. I'm curious, though — with hindsight, would you have gotten into your relationship? Is there enough positive to outweigh the negative? If, at the beginning, you'd had all the insights, tools, strategies, understanding, etc., you gained later in the relationship, do you think that would have put you on a happy(-enough?) road to choose to travel it? Or would you have found a different relationship?
Honestly?
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
It took me a long time to come to grips with this- but no I wouldn't. It's been too hard. I wish I had seen the warning signs early on and ran far far away.
Not a chance
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
If I had any idea what my life was going to be like I never, ever would have married him.
The courtship/hyper-focus was lovely but once we were married it was like someone flipped a switch. He became incredibly controlling, stubborn, and rigid while being unreliable and volatile. We live in a constant state of power struggle. I usually give in and give up because it's exhausting and he always manages to make me question my own judgment. Then I am angry and resentful. He is in complete denial despite being diagnosed with ADHD by more than one professional. Family therapy, couples therapy, even an evaluation at the Hallowell Center has accomplished absolutely nothing. He refuses to use a coach, refuses to put any systems in place, blames me for everything and plays the victim. He says, "that's the way I am and there is nothing I can do about it." When I tell him he is hurting me he says it's not malicious so I need to get over it. I tried to leave him once and he fell apart - being totally vindictive through his lawyer and playing the broken-hearted victim with our family and friends. I ended up looking like the bad guy and caving in to the pressure from everyone to give him a second chance. He went on anti-anxiety meds during that time so at least he's not smashing things anymore but he is still emotionally disconnected. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, have lost family and friends because of the unending drama, and feel like there is no safe space in my life.
No, I absolutely would not have married him. He is not evil. He can actually be generous and decent. He probably would have been a fine friend. He just doesn't seem to care how his condition impacts me or our children and that is the part I can't forgive.
I don't know. My ex and I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't know. My ex and I have two adult daughters, and being a mother is the best thing in my life. But my marriage was never wonderful and often was terrible.
Absolutely not
Submitted by adhd32 on
It's the gift that keeps on giving, generation after generation.
We are in our 60s now and ADHD wasn't even on the radar in our childhoods. H was hyper as a child, his mother called him "high-spirited". Had I known then that once the hyper focus wore off and H would become a loner and abandon his responsibilities as a husband and father I would not have married him. There was no name for his behavior until our son was diagnosed, then it all clicked. On top of doing 90% of the household/family responsibilities, working full time, and caring for our aging parents, I got a truckload of guilt heaped on for having passed this onto a child who was diagnosed inattentive ADD. Had I known H's behavior was due to an inheritable condition, and would likely never change, I would not have married him or had children with him. If I had had a crystal ball and could have seen what he would change into once the pressure of children and adult life became a reality, I would have been outta there in a NY minute.
A number of years ago we were traveling with a group and a conversation got around to marriage and remarriage. I gave an emphatic NO when asked if I would ever remarry. The person asking took it to mean that H was beyond compare and no one would ever measure up to him. I just smiled and let it go. If he only knew what I really meant!
The key to your question
Submitted by Brindle on
"If, at the beginning, you'd had all the insights, tools, strategies, understanding, etc., you gained later in the relationship"
The insights , etc you listed have to be there for both spouses. Without both of the spouses giving real work to managing ourselves, there is nothing but heartache ahead. Which is what I've had.
For a marriage without adhd to work, both spouses have to work to mature and grow, giving empathy. For a marriage with adhd, both spouses have to work to mature and grow, giving empathy even more than other couples, plus the adhd person must work to manage their condition. In my husband's case, he isn't interested in managing his adhd and empathy is in short supply. These things really beat up a marriage.
So, given that we don't have those very important things in place, no, I wouldn't do this again. I don't even have any hesitation, even. Just no.
I wasted almost 12 years
Submitted by sickandtired on
I wasted almost 12 years trying to make a life with my adhd ex-boyfriend. He was always angry, did very risky things with our dogs that could have cost them their lives, caused me an injury with lifetime complications, lost a lot of my money because I trusted him with his too grand home remodeling projects that had to be redone, and now he stalks me online because he thinks I should continue to support him financially. He thinks I OWE HIM. There was no way to avoid his chronic need to be argumentative and controlling. Even if I agreed with him, he still wanted to air his grievances. I tried to help him problem solve, but he didn’t seem capable of finding solutions or listening to my possible solutions to his problems. All he wanted to do was voice his displeasure with life, God, his parents, authority figures, and ultimately me. I started to fear that he would explode one day and hurt me physically, so I broke it off.
Life without him physically in my life has been very healing. I got married to a wonderful man in 2017. I can deal with my ex’s angry email manifestos as long as I know he’s 1,500 miles away. To answer your question, NO. If I had known then what I know now about my ex, I would never have gone on the first date, much less waste my life trying to calm someone’s chronic anger and clear the way each day for obstacles that might “set him off”. I’ve learned a lot reading others’ similar stories on this forum. If I had all of the insight, tools, and experience to deal with a person such as he, I still wouldn’t do it, because it’s not worth it in soooo many ways: emotionally (I live in fear he will show up someday), physically (I have chronic pain due to an accident) and financially (lost 2 vehicles to him, and lost tens of thousands of dollars to have his incorrect repair work redone). I could go on and on. The bottom line is I am endlessly thankful that I never married him. His behavior since the breakup (trespassing and burglary) show that if we had been married, he would have fought to get everything I have. If I could turn back time, and avoid all of this pain, I would never have chosen him as a partner. To those of you who are not married with children yet, I would say RUN. You don’t want to be his mommy, his target, or his ATM for the rest of your life.
Brindle is right.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
In a marriage, if both Partners have the tools as you described in your post that is only the first step.
Both Partners have to be willing to use those tools and take ownership over their own behavior.
If one partner is using the tools and the other either refuses to use them or is in complete denial that they need to use them it's not going to work.
No I would not
Submitted by c ur self on
No I would not...Not because of add...But because of denial, (refusing to see and own her behaviors) and her lack of desire to be a wife....She loved her single no responsibility life style....If I had it to do over I would have tried to be her friend, but, that's it....
c
I doubt it
Submitted by NCES on
I tried my best since the beginning. I'm super organized (I used to be). Now I'm a ball of depression that basically can't function right. There's really not much effort on us from the other end. So my cup's run dry - I'm tired, drained, exhausted. I just need to breathe.
I really think it's best we just remain friends.
Yes, exactly this for me too.
Submitted by ungit on
Yes, exactly this for me too. I hate the person I've become. I used to be so warm and vibrant and joyful. Now I'm angry and depressed all the time. I barely recognize myself.
I feel rotten saying this but
Submitted by Phillipa on
I feel rotten saying this but NO!
Life overall is a balance of good and very bad, so I am resigned to living this way, but I can't help thinking that I could have had a much more loving, equal partnership.
My H lacks empathy, is very distant, often lies - I am so lonely
I completely relate to your
Submitted by ungit on
I completely relate to your comment. Exactly the same here. I am also so lonely. :(
Hi, I'm new here and your
Submitted by ungit on
Hi, I'm new here and your post immediately caught my attention. I think about this a lot, if I knew what this relationship would be like would I still be in it? The answer for me is, no. Like so many others in relationships with someone with ADHD, the first year was so happy and wonderful, even blissful at times. Then we moved in together and it was like we'd been dropped into a parallel universe. It has been a living hell since. Why am I still in it? It's complicated haha. The push and pull of this dynamic between us keeps us together but miserable. Throw in 3 kids and a mortgage payment and splitting up isn't so easy. We have a two year old that I stay home with and until he is in school all day, I won't be going to work full time. When I do go back to work, I'm not sure I'll have enough reasons to stay.