I've been ready for years - we've been together for 16 years - and I know the mutually beneficial portion of our relationship ended at least 6 years ago. So I've been thinking about it for a long while and every time I come to this forum I vow to never be one of those who is writing this thread after 20, 30 or 40 years. But it just seems so unfair to my ADHD partner to leave. It's not like I'm perfect and trouble-free, so why not share our lives together til the end even if we drive each other nuts?
I come to this forum and read every one else's horror stories and think I don't have it so bad. My partner doesn't have addictions or trouble with the law or difficulty holding a job, and we don't have kids so there is no issue there. But it is the anger and verbal abuse that I could really do without. I've never met someone who can get so angry over so little - he can even wake up angry. And being treated for ADHD isn't enough. He needs regular therapy but he will never get it. I've finally found a description for why I want to leave: death by a thousand cuts. I've started a list of all these little cuts I endure day after day. It helps me understand why I need to eventually leave. But because they are all so individually small and never big life-threatening gashes, it is so easy to move on, ignore, repress.
Beyond the "death by a thousand cuts" issue, though, I realized today that I now know why there will always be conflict and discord in our relationship. It is a fundamental difference in perception that can't be explained, proven, avoided or synced. My partner calls it miscommunication, but it is so much more than words spoken and not heard or understood. It is the rate at which they are spoken, the surrounding noise both inside the brain and in the environment, the perceived tone, the many filters through which the words may be translated. I've been trying to tell him that the sky is blue when he so clearly sees that it is purple. No amount of explaining will ever convince him of even the possibility of the sky being blue or me seeing it that way, when he refuses to even accept the fact that his perception is so different than that of mine or likely most people, let alone consider how it might in fact sometimes be wrong. There is no point in continuing any conversation when it reaches this impasse. But his tenacity can't let anything go so easy. As exhausting and infuriating as this is for me, for him it is a magnitude so much greater I probably couldn't even hold my own weight up against it. Yet, he still doesn't stop trying and I wonder how much of that affects his actions and behaviors toward me. As much as I know I have resentment and hostility towards him, I wonder if he realizes he holds a lot for me as well. He would probably deny that as strongly as he denies that the sky might actually be blue.
This is why, as much as I would love to break down all our behaviors and actions and pick and choose what we want to keep and what we want to get rid of, that would never be enough to bring peace to our relationship. I could ask him to please do not do behavior Y, and he could comply, but the underlying currents of speaking two different languages and having completely different world views, would still exist and still wear us down like water on rock, little by little every day.
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Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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But it is the anger and verbal abuse that I could really do without. I've never met someone who can get so angry over so little - he can even wake up angry. And being treated for ADHD isn't enough. He needs regular therapy but he will never get it. I've finally found a description for why I want to leave: death by a thousand cuts. I've started a list of all these little cuts I endure day after day. It helps me understand why I need to eventually leave.
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This doesn't sound like only ADHD.
For the first 20 years of my marriage, addiction didn't exist. My H was always well-employed and is recently retired with an excellent pension. So, we didn't have employment issues or legal issues, either.
However, the "death by a thousand cuts" has been present, and once he developed a drinking addiction, then things got worse. The drinking began about 10 years ago, and alcoholism set in rather quickly....within about 3 years of his start of drinking frequently. (this part, I can only piece together since while he acknowledges when he began drinking excessively, he did most of his drinking after I went to sleep). I had indirectly aided the process because prior to that, I would only occasionally buy wine, but before he started drinking heavily, I had started buying hard liquor to fill our new in-home bar. The availability combined with his impulsiveness combined for disaster. Since I was unaware that he was drinking from the home-bar, it took awhile before I even realized that the bottles in the cabinet were mostly empty.
Before H began drinking heavily, he had a bad temper and would say some pretty obnoxious things, but it was not very frequent. More frequently he would just wake up in a bad mood, or "use a tone" over the most minor things. However, once he began drinking, the obnoxious behavior became far more frequent.
Anyway, my H does NOT just have ADHD. If he did, I don't think most of this would have happened. His anger, short temper, moodiness and abusive behaviors are more related to his other issues: Personality Disorder, OCD, anxiety, depression, etc.
I suspect that your H does not only have ADHD.
ADHD vs comorbidities and other issues
Submitted by Geese on
Hey Geese
Submitted by kellyj on
All the other things that you said about yourself and what other people don't like are things you can change. If you had a real problem with other co-morbid conditions, you probably wouldn't be here saying these things in the first place. The frustration is something you can learn to live with. It takes patience and practice and it definitely takes time. It will take more than just a few months or even a few years to completely learn to deal with your frustration, but being argumentative is what other people see not your own frustration. I'll bet that 90% of who you are is probably pretty likeable.....it's the 10% including things like being argumentative are the only things that people don't like. If you target only the things that people don't like to start with (the things that get externalized) I'll bet you will find that people will like you a lot better and you will see the difference in how people respond to you in a favorable way. People will notice I guarantee it. I would focus on the don't do's first. Once you get one under control...pick another one and work from there.....one at a time. You can do it.
Cuts
Submitted by Sooo Tired of t... on
I definitely feel the "death by a thousand cuts" as well. Outsiders may just see one or two issues with my ADHD spouse, but I get the cumulative "cuts" and they have worn me down to being so numb in this marriage. I too, am figuring out the best exit strategy for me and the kids that won't add to the cuts in a different way. We always seem to be on the opposite end of every discussion, even when I have stated that we agree on something! It's the constant conflict-seeking initiatives that just slowly adds another wound. It just seems easier to conform to not speaking to this other person at all...and he seems really ok with that type of relationship. He will never initiate some type of resolution, he definitely feels he needs no psychiatric help or new medication to treat all his comorbid conditions. I'm the only one concerned about his well-being, because he certainly isn't.
THIS!!
Submitted by jlhrva on
I've been trying to tell him that the sky is blue when he so clearly sees that it is purple. No amount of explaining will ever convince him of even the possibility of the sky being blue or me seeing it that way, when he refuses to even accept the fact that his perception is so different than that of mine or likely most people, let alone consider how it might in fact sometimes be wrong. There is no point in continuing any conversation when it reaches this impasse. But his tenacity can't let anything go so easy. As exhausting and infuriating as this is for me, for him it is a magnitude so much greater I probably couldn't even hold my own weight up against it. Yet, he still doesn't stop trying and I wonder how much of that affects his actions and behaviors toward me. As much as I know I have resentment and hostility towards him, I wonder if he realizes he holds a lot for me as well. He would probably deny that as strongly as he denies that the sky might actually be blue.
This is EXACTLY how I feel when trying to talk to my ADHD partner. It's like you're speaking subtly different versions of the same language, but those subtleties completely change the meaning of nearly everything. And he is completely unwilling to even entertain the idea that his perception might be different from others'. And since you can't "prove" this, in the circular-logic fashion that they love to endlessly pursue to the smallest nuance of meaning, they won't even look at the idea. You just have to give up, give in, and move on. Which adds another small cut.
I know exactly how you feel. And I am only a little over a year in...