Or rather, yet another screaming monologue with me standing there being yelled at and cussed out in front of our kids.
I have a special needs adult son who asked Dad this morning if he could go buy a video game he's been saving up before school on Friday. He said no, they would go after school, and Henry got upset. Rather than encouraging his special needs son to slow down and think of alternatives, DH just got loud and started arguing and yelling. I'm getting ready to go to work, I'm not hearing the discussion until they both boil into my room yelling at each other. I immediately told them to stop arguing, stop yelling, so I could ascertain the issue. I got my son calmed down (btw he's like 4 years old mentally, you're not going to win an argument with him, you have to try other tactics, as I've told my DH like a million times).
As I'm going out the door I mention that yelling never works, and that instantly triggered him into a full blown screaming fit at me for 10 minutes, cussing me out, telling me I treat him like a child (if the shoe fits), that there is no other option to deal with things other than yelling and arguing, etc. I just stood there and let him yell at me for 10 or so minutes, my son was screaming in the background, and my daughter came out of her room crying.
So yeah this is not the first time this has happened, more like the millionth time. I let him treat me like this. I enable his behavior by allowing him to continue to treat me like this. I've shown my kids that it's okay for people to treat them like this.
I want him gone. ADHD is a monster. I see nothing positive about it. I've read all Melissa's books, and I've tried all the tactics, and nothing ever works.
I would love advice on how to move forward - how do I tell him I want him out. I don't want to be screamed at but he's incapable of discussing anything without doing that - which is why I don't talk to him about anything.
How is the application for your son's SSI going?
Submitted by triedandtrue on
Your energy is no doubt drained and your spirit obviously battered by your husband's behaviors.
Could a friend help you with the paperwork,or anything? Or maybe you're waiting for the government to respond to the application. I know it's all overwhelming. But once the SSI claim is done, you'd have time to see a lawyer about your husband's traumatizing behaviors and about the paperwork to get him on Disability as well. Maybe now is the time to talk with a lawyer about all three things - husband's abuse, his Disability application, and your son's SSI? Some law firms have paralegals who can help with paperwork like disability applications.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
SSI
Submitted by redhead1017 on
We actually got the SSI approved quickly as my son's disabilities are fairly extensive, so that's good news. Right now we're trying to get all of the stars aligned for respite care, which my DH was actually going to take on at least some of that, but I honestly don't know if he's able to do it. His own disabilities are extensive, but he refuses to get any sort of treatment - he's got ADHD, depression, and who knows what else.
It's weird. I have a very very good job, I'm extremely competent and get recognized constantly for my good work, and while I'm at work I have a completely different personality. Then I go home and it's how do I deal with this man child who's held at least 25 jobs in 25 years, who I can't get on any sort of life insurance because he refuses to take care of himself, who can spend 19 hours organizing his extensive collection but can't manage to fill out a disability application. I can't talk to him about anything important because he zones out immediately - he's actually started snoring while I've attempted to talk to him about finances. I can't rely on him to do even the simplest things because he just will not do them unless I ask him to multiple times and even then I get yelled at.
I must really hate myself or have incredible low self-esteem or something. It's so complicated but is it really. Anyone looking in on this situation would think why in the world does she continue to stay with him. And I don't really know other than it's been so long that I've been in this situation that I can't see clearly.
So sorry you are in this situation redhead....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's terrible to live with mental and emotional unrest...I know what you are dealing with is many ways, and I have great empathy for you...When a person feels forced to live (can see no way around it) in such unrest on a continual bases it damages us...We can and do become blind to what it is like to not be under such stress...We don't even know what healthy even is any longer...I was that way for several years....In my humble opinion people weren't created to live under such pressure (emotional eggshells).
I will suggest that you might think about boundaries...(for yourself)...A wife is not suppose to feel forced into filling her husbands role in the family...Until you break the cycle you've stated here about your life, I don't see it getting any better...
I don't have to tell you that much of the things you've stated is abusive, (as you know, your children are undeservingly trapped in it) and I suggest you give your husband an ultimatum for counseling...If he isn't going to work on his behavior, I would force him to if I stayed with him...Please don't stand and endure abuse it's OK to walk away...It's so hurtful and extremely hard to not get emotional yourself...Nothing in my relationship ever gets accomplished when emotions are high...Her's or mine...In my experience many ADHD minds cannot calm themselves during these outbursts, they have no filter or ability to regulate emotion...They even lose a lot of their recall ability during these high stress times...So nothing good is being accomplished by standing and taking it...
Please don't wait until you are covered over in regret for all the deep scares you all are enduring...Please do something different...
C
We've all been there
Submitted by triedandtrue on
It's apparent from your other posts that you're amazingly competent and hard-working. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. It seems as though the most capable people sometimes get the most wrung out, before they realize it, maybe because they push themselves so hard.
Wonderful that your son's SSI was approved right away. Would it help reduce your stress if you dropped the idea of hubby's participation in respite care? More effort required by others but less uncertainty for you.
Same kind of stress reduction if you handle DH's disability application.
Easy to make suggestions, though, lol