Submitted by Brindle on 11/28/2018.
How many of us Nons have been told that we always have to have our way with things?
*raises hand*
I know another couple personally whose adhd spouse said that to the nonadhd spouse. So that makes two of us.
How many of us Nons have been told that we always have to have our way with things?
*raises hand*
I know another couple personally whose adhd spouse said that to the nonadhd spouse. So that makes two of us.
Yup I hear that a lot. From
Submitted by Libby on
Yup I hear that a lot. From my perspective I rarely get my way. Everything from naming our children to how our house was built to how messy our yard is. It is all his way. And yet he tells me all the time that I have it my way or the highway.
All the time.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
"You just always need to be right."
"You just have to win all the time."
"Everything you do is justified"
These were pretty standard responses to just about any attempt at having a solution-oriented discussion around a problem. Only now I see that his goal was probably to start accusing me of being the problem instead in order to derail things and get away from the actual problem at hand. He would use other manipulations like that as well (tone-policing and such)... and it worked.. because I would start defending myself from his accusation instead and it would spiral from there.
Won't be falling for those deflections again in my next relationship, that's for sure.
Of course not CG...The real problem?
Submitted by c ur self on
No way they are going to have a discussion that revolves around the REAL problem.....That will cost them to have to look at their selves....And that might mean work, and self discipline....Or you kidding? LOL.....Actually this dynamic you are talking about is one of the biggest traps that a spouse who isn't in denial can fall into....Thinking they can communicate with someone who want OWN their junk....When we learn to laugh and walk away, that alone will decrease our stress (stop the conflict) and force some accountability....
solution-oriented
Submitted by adhd32 on
This is the crux of the matter. I, too, am a solution oriented person and am able to think many steps ahead to see potential pitfalls and put measures in place to avoid them. If someone brings up an issue I assume they are looking to strategize about solutions. H's response to strategizing is a venomous insult claiming I overthink everything. I am not one to talk in circles about something that needs to be done. This is where H and I have a disconnect and, like you, I hear the same 3 phrases. Because I can actually come up with a plan and implement it, and have a plan B at every step to help avoid disaster, he somehow interprets this as always being right. He on the other hand talks round and round on things, drags his feet, makes zero concrete plans and finally just does nothing while the consequences happen to him rather than taking control of things.
H is hoping to retire by the end of next year and once retired we will not be able to afford to live in our too big house. He is currently motivated to move on to the next phase by the recent deaths of a younger coworker and a neighbor around his age. I never caved and let him hoard inside the house but the garage is stacked full of junk. We have sheds that will need to be emptied, dismantled, and removed as well as a fence, and an awning that all need to go before listing the house because we have no permits for them. His plan is start emptying things in September. He brought this up last night and I said that if he was looking to move by next December he needs to start now since we need to list the house in ready-to-be-shown condition in September if he wants to close in December. He put one small box out for garbage. I guess he showed me who is boss. I said nothing.
Solution oriented vs. ego-oriented
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
An early one from our marriage: I was home working on my doctoral dissertation. A light burned out in the study. We did not have a ladder and the super was not around. My response? I moved the couch over, stood on top of it, and changed the light. I did not have time to wait around for a ladder because I needed the light to read and had to squeeze in as much work as I could. Upon telling my wife that I solved the problem, she lectured me that it was the super's job to do that and I should have made him do it.
Pattern from several years ago:
Wife: Why didn't you clean the bathroom?
Me: Sorry, I'll do it now.
Wife: But why didn't you clean the bathroom? We have to work this out! (over the next 5 hours of fighting in which she won't let me stop to clean the bathroom)
More recently:
Me: We need to do housework/yardwork.,
Wife: The kids should help! (followed by several hours of arguing with the kids, while I try to get the work actually done.)
I feel for you....adhd32....
Submitted by c ur self on
You told him just right IMO...My W likes to talk about all of her thoughts for us, (moving up on the lake, etc..) but after 10 years with her, I know that is just dreams...She has no power (discipline) to over come her addiction to hoarding and her poor spending habits...It took me a while to accept this reality (because I can do it)....So over the past few years I have been investing into our present home....I plan on living out my remaining life here (or hers)....LOL..I would always get stuck with all the real work in these situations (moving useless junk, and having to fight her in order to throw away junk)...Never again will I be so unwise;)...And even if she could do it, she will always put it off the last minute...I've learned to do my part for functions (holiday prep etc..) and then disappear, find something to do away from home....That way I can't be beckoned to help her do her part, that she has put off until the last minute, watching TV, or loafing while I was the busy bee...LOL....These things I do, is because I want peace for us both, and to force accountability....When a spouse justifies their dysfunctional ways, let them do it.....At least we are not enabling them, and there is a lesson there if they will accept it, instead of making an excuse....
c
I have zero expectations regarding this
Submitted by adhd32 on
I could be packed and ready to go by the end of tne year. I figure once the realization of his mortality fades I won't hear another thing about moving until money becomes tight and expenses exceed income. Then it will become a fire drill. He knows if I get involved the junk will be taken care of in 2 days because I would hire one of the many junk haulers to come in and haul away everything out there except my bike. He will prolong this by examining every p.o.s. in every box, repack the boxes and declare every thing is a keeper. I love my old house and know we cannot stay but this time I cannot be blamed for the hold up although I know he will try to twist this around somehow. I'll keep you posted. The money will be the motivating factor since he is a tightwad with everything except for himself so the thought of dipping into savings for every day expenses will light a fire under him.
LOVE THIS!
Submitted by c ur self on
(He will prolong this by examining every p.o.s. in every box, repack the boxes and declare every thing is a keeper.)
LOL...Know it all to well ;)...Have a blessed weekend.....You have already started mine w/ a smile and laugh....
c
This is so smart
Submitted by Brindle on
C said: “I’ve learned to do my part for functions (holiday prep etc..) and then disappear, find something to do away from home....That way I can't be beckoned to help her do her part, that she has put off until the last minute, watching TV, or loafing while I was the busy bee...”
That is so smart, C. Excellent. Tucking that one into my pocket.
I learned it the hard way Brin....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is who she is...I didn't want to accept that for years...(30 years with my first wife, someone I could communicate with, reason with, and who expected to do the work each day required) So, what should have been two people fervently loving one another, having a great life as one, was anything but....
I had to back off, be quiet, and believe what I was observing, no matter what I thought about it....I had to change, I had the power to do it...She has shown no ability, or desire to....Little things that I saw through my lens...I would suggest to her....Like setting her alarm 15 minutes earlier, so she could leave for work at a time where she wasn't always rushing....What I finally realized was, she would run late more, if she started getting ready 15 minutes earlier....If she only allows 45 minutes to get ready, rush out the door and rush to work, then she will do it with out distraction, because it's last minute and she is hyper drive (her only go to, for survival) for those 45 minutes...If she allows herself 15 extra minutes, she allows distractions (false sense of security) which could cost her up to 15 or 20 minutes of dead brain time (lose of awareness) before she comes to herself and screams...O My Gosh! I late!
So am I going to love her enough to stay out of her way, and stop telling her to do things to make her life better, when she may be doing the best she can? YES....I can love her w/ acceptance, boundaries, and by respecting those huge difference's...Keep my mouth shut, (unless it's telling her how much I love her, and how beautiful she is) and let her fight life the only way she knows how...This also allows our marriage to take on the best form that it is capable of having....
I like to peace too:)
c
This rings true
Submitted by Brindle on
My H used different tactics but I think he did/does try to turn things around to make me the problem. And if that doesn’t work, he minimizes, denies, deflects, etc. - anything other than take responsibility. My H, though he would never admit this as he prides himself on being able smart and capable, lives with a lot of victim mentality.
LOL...That happens here from time to time.....
Submitted by c ur self on
That happen's when she can't force me to do what she wants..LOL.....When she refuses to respect difference's and boundaries....I've learned not to take that bait...She likes to pout for days sometimes....I learned to expect it...And just go on happily living (I pray for her of course)...She is finding out that she is the only one who is suffering with a bad spirit during her pouting spells....
You just can't let a spouse dictate to you, and use you up...That's not love!...LOL....Where there is real love there will be respect....
c
I just finished watching Ross
Submitted by Libby on
I just finished watching Ross Rosenberg on U tube. He has some excellent advice on dealing with these issues. His expertise is with narcissists.
YES!
Submitted by barneyarff on
OMG YES!
Even to the point where I asked if we could write down the chores around the house and split them
I was told that he wouldn't do it because he always loses because I manipulate him into doing most everything.
I offered to let him do it all and present it to me. Of course, he wouldn't
One time he mentioned it and I agreed by saying "Great, get a piece of paper and a pen and lets do it" His reply? "Why do I have to get the paper and pen?"
And the tone policing!!!!!!!
I've moved out, howeve,r my son is living at the house. My son asked to have a chat with my husband about dividing the chores but my husband just can't seem to get around to it, even when my husband is doing the complaining about the mess in the house.
Last time I talked to my son, the house is so messy that it was making him anxious so he is staying with friends most of the time.
My husband still won't do anything about it.
It's a lose lose trying to negotiate with an offended party
Submitted by c ur self on
(Even to the point where I asked if we could write down the chores around the house and split them)
This didn't work for us either....I did the list (gave my self the heavy load) let her mark it up, she still only put her name by the few things she hates the least LOL....It's the spirit of the thing that's wrong to start with...She is totally offended by the work to start with.....It's useless to discuss something with someone who is offended by the very act of responsibility....I just do what I feel I need to for survival w/ little to no thought about her...And try to just be thankful and happy doing it....Besides, I would do it whether she existed or not...life is to short to not see a person's limitations and walk away from trying to force them to be different....
c
Here's my chore-splitting
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Here's my chore-splitting story. While we were still married, my husband did an intensive outpatient program for anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems. At the end of the program, there was a "family" meeting. I was apprehensive about attending because I feared being cornered. I was. One of the topics was housework. H said that I complained about him not helping or not doing things to my expectations. The therapist suggested we make an agreement about who would do what. Because H was at that point already spending a lot of time at his parents' home (including overnights), I said I would find it acceptable if he had one regular chore, vacuuming once per week. With or without reminders, by one year later, he had vacuumed no more than 12 or 13 times (i.e., once per month, not every week).
YES. I've been told I'm
Submitted by Spinach on
YES. I've been told I'm selfish and everything always has to be my way. It's a huge issue of resentment for him. Meanwhile I was oblivious and thought I was just living life keeping everything together and making the plans because someone had to...
Oh exactly this
Submitted by Brindle on
Yes! This is exactly how things are here! Oh, the resentment he holds toward me over doing what had to be done but he refused to do. If he and I were a tennis team, I’d be the one scrambling to meet all the balls, while he drank water on the sidelines, and then complained when we won, saying “you never let me get any of the balls.” It is so hard to respect them or take them seriously when they do this.
Oh I get told that all the
Submitted by dvance on
Oh I get told that all the time. Usually over something ADHD DH forgot or didn't do or got wrong that I corrected. And then I am having my own way. I also am often told in a loud voice FINE YOU'RE RIGHT AND I'M WRONG. Again over something he did wrong or forgot to do or told the kids wrong, something like that. It happened today as a matter of fact. The youngest child got a scholarship letter from a college. DH was talking about it and said it was a loan from FAFSA. Um, no-a scholarship directly from a specific college and a loan from FAFSA are VERY different things. I had the letter with me (long story why) and showed him and holy wow did that set him off. FINE. I'm wrong, you're right and he was pissy the rest of the day. Ordinarily I wouldn't care but he was telling the child who got the money all about it like he knew and it wasn't true. HOW is that my fault???? In my case, DH only half listens and only half pays attention and barely retains the half of the info he took in, so how is it my fault that what he has in his brain is likely only partially correct??? How is that me having to have my own way?? Another example: oldest child has an iPass for his internship. I bought it, I set it up, I put the initial money on it, then I gave the child all the login info and said now you take over. Child did not and racked up a TON of unpaid tolls. DH attempted to "help" and called the Tollway people. In doing do, he took me off of everything AND linked his work iPass to the child's iPass so when the child reloaded his iPass he was actually reloading his dad's. AND...DH did not tell me he had made that call so when the child asked me for help untangling this mess and I called the Tollway people I sounded like a complete idiot. So I asked DH why he had taken me off of everything and he said he hadn't. Um...yes you did. My email did not get replaced with yours by accident--the Tollway people didn't do that just for fun. And then I get FINE-YOU HAVE TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME. It took me five phone calls to untangle what he had done, one of them with him sitting there with the the Toll people on speaker so he could approve removing himself from the child's account. It was not pretty and yes, I was told in a loud voice that HE WAS WRONG AND I WAS RIGHT and I ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THINGS MY WAY--the whole nine yards. Not a word of how thoroughly he had screwed up and how much time it took me to undo and how much money it cost the child.
Brindle, I completely understand.
Sarcastic fighting words no longer hurt me nor make me small
Submitted by jennalemone on
These stories help me to put things in to perspective and let me look back on our history together. These are all things and words my husband has said and done in our marriage too. And I would, in the past, take these things personally and try to be "nicer" to him by accommodating him, by compromising my own mental abilities, by stroking his ego at the price of mine, by subjugating my voice, my needs, my belief in myself. I "dummied down" so that H's ego was not hurt. Now that I know better, and can see that H is an entitled, unloving blowhard, I no longer "feel bad" or take personnally his snide sarcastic remarks like, "Yes, you are ALWAYS right". or "You always have to have it YOUR way" because it simply was never so. NOW I make it a point to "have it my way" more often and I give myself credit and strength because I am often right and sometimes need to listen to myself rather than him and his entitled ego. I never like to "fight", rather wanting to discuss and agree together....but that just simply does not work with H. He fights and then is happy when he wins over me. Don't lose your SELF for someone who does not care about you.
SMH. Yes..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Sounds like what I used to do with my ex husband. Accommodating and compromising described me to a "T".
"Happy when he wins over me"
Submitted by adhd32 on
My eyes were opened when I heard a professional ask "what kind of partner wants their beloved spouse to lose?