Hey all I'm new to this site but so glad I found it. My son is ten months old and as we've gotten more responsibilities my husbands adhd has become more of an issue. He was recently diagnosed but states he is taking his meds when I know he isn't. My husband has no idea how much I think about separation because I can't communicate with him. He either blames me for pretty much everything, states I just want to change him or he doesn't talk or respond at all. I'm so lost lonely and confused. I don't know if it's better to try and stick it out see if he'll change and start understanding how impactful his untreated adhd is to our family or leave now before my son starts to see everything I do and before it impacts him. My husband is an asshole when he drinks socially but yet refuses to give it up, he does t handle his emotions well gets angry easily so I'm always walking on eggshells, he never finishes projects around the house (we started our deck in June and it still isn't done). I just don't know where to go or what to do anymore ... my parents and friends have also noticed he is always on his phone isn't interacting, is distracted doesn't respond to questions when asked the first time. isn't getting anything at the house done and I can't hide my frustration anymore!
Young kids and a husband in denial
Submitted by kal11 on 10/13/2020.
Is there anyone with young
Submitted by kal11 on
Is there anyone with young babies and a new diagnosis that's can offer some advice, I think if I didn't have my baby I would have already gave him an ultimatum to seek help and work on himself or I'd leave... but that kind of thing has a lot more weight when a young baby is involved. I know my husband loves me and our child but is that enough?
Do not want to change
Submitted by adhd32 on
You are seeing your spouse for who he is. You have to accept what you see. He isn't pretending he wants anything different. Family life does not seem to agree with many with ADHD. The added stress of kids and less attention on spouse seems to make them withdraw. Your frustrations are very common and, unfortunately, unless he is a very, very willing participant in wanting to change there usually isn't much lasting improvement.
From my own experience I can tell you that my H was never really involved in raising our kids. Things most dads do like teaching kids to ride a bike, or drive, or hit a ball fell to me. Consequently, H and the now adult kids have a superficial relationship and H is jealous of my bond with them. He still doesn't understand that because of his lack of involvement he never got to know them or create a bond of shared experiences.
You must decide if what you have now is what you want for the rest of your life. I suppose there is hope if he can acknowledge his ADHD's role in your difficulties and seek help. I suspect you have read through all the posts and are hoping against hope that your case will be somehow different; hoping that there is some formula to getting things on track. There isn't. He has shown you who he is, believe him.
Kal
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Kal11. I wish I could offer an inspiring story, but mine is similar to ADHD32's. Everyone's situation is different, so take this with a grain of salt, but if I could do it over, I would have left when my child was young like yours is. The longer I stayed, the more impact it would have on her if I left. It became harder, not easier, to leave. She is almost a teenager now. She has a terrible relationship with her dad, similar to what ADHD32 described. He is not involved in her life at all beyond saying hi as she walks by. What hurts the most is that for several years she has been old enough to be as hurt as I am by him. Everything you describe going through - having someone you can't rely on, being lonely, walking on eggshells - your child will experience too and it hurts so much more when your child suffers. I wish I had spared my daughter this pain. She does not feel loved by her dad and has expressed that many times. Honestly he does not deserve the title of "father" at all. Or "husband" for that matter. "Inconsiderate roommate" is accurate. I sound bitter because I am.
Having said all that, there are obviously success stories. I tried hard to get my husband to see his ADHD's impact on our lives. He can't see it. But there are definitely ADHDers who step up to the plate, become more self-aware, get adequate treatment and commit to being a better partner. Only you can really know if that's possible for your husband.
Wishing you all the best. You are not alone. Being the partner of someone with ADHD is unbelievably difficult and no one understands the true impact unless they have lived it themselves.
So, you say your finding out who you are married to....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have been there, and can possibly save you a little frustration, if you can grasp his reality, and accept it... (One that may be miles from your own)....That denial isn't as much denial as it is, priorities and choices....See you and I attempt to think for our spouses (Our thinking, our love, and our desire to think well of them, causes that)...We say to ourselves surely he/she don't mean to behave, ignore, act out, etc, like he is doing? We start off wrong right out of the blocks...Everything they drop, literally, and in life, we find a reason to pick it up...Until we are classic enablers, angry bitter and used....
So accept his words and deeds as who he is...Conscience Choices!....And then you will stop getting angry at the cat, for just being the cat.....You can't think for him, no more than he can think for you....Your heart's and minds (or at least minds) are in far different places...Not only that, but, many people/spouses make conscience choices to make their lives easy and fun, at the expense of others/spouse...People like my wife, may call responsible minded people (like me) boring, but, in reality, you can't run them off, because they know you are their life line...Your work and responsible living is protecting them from themselves.. They intentionally excuse using you, as a prop for their irresponsibility...It's their heart that allows them to not take others into consideration...Who wants to have a conversation about throwing their meal ticket in the trash? That is why you will never pin him (healthy and truthful communication) down about his irresponsibility, temper, alcohol etc....See how that works?....So as long as you are angry, he will make you the problem....When you are calm, when you do not pursue him w/ frustration, when you live like he doesn't exist in many ways...When you accept his messed up living, and step out of it...Only then will he inquire...Most abusive spouses only really care, when it's to late....And even then, there isn't much repentance toward the people they used and hurt...Their just concerned because they have to get up off their tails, and tow a line, or find some other sucker to carry them...Only Jesus can change a heart....
So if you want to move past your anger, you will need to calmly say to yourself...I do not like the choices the person I am married to is making...That way you can set boundaries to protect yourself from his actions...He must pay for his actions if he makes poor choices, just like you and I....And any responsible adult...You can't allow yourself to be a crutch, that's what a intrusive person is seeking...My suggestions (if I were you) based on your post...Under no circumstances would I have sex without birth control....The last thing you need is to bring another innocent child into this...I would separate everything I needed to, to not allow his life style to effect me, or hold me hostage to his unstable and unwise living....My wife and I do not share finances, we do share automobiles, we do not share taxes, we go on different vacations many times because she can't do many things that sponsors peace....She gets emotional, (outbursts) when she can't have her way....She is miserable with our grown kids or w/ me, when she can't force her will on us...But she loves fellowship, so by us not participating, we force her to see herself, (accountability) and have some semblance of self control...In my experience, when a fast minded (add) person, refuses to discipline their thoughts and actions, they aren't fit company for any other human...
Be calm, be wise....and many blessings to you
c
Thank you this gave me a lot
Submitted by kal11 on
Thank you this gave me a lot of clarity. I think in some ways I am already doing this but not realizing it. I keep our finances separate and I've started to stop putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable because I am unsure how my spouse is going to act. I hang out with my friends without my husband, do vacations with my family and friends and it takes a lot of stress off. I also have started to worry less about his actions when he is only impacting himself and only worry about those that affect my son or myself. As you said he is an adult and we all make choices... if he decides to make a bad choice he has to deal with those consequences. I think freeing myself from being the glue that keeps him on track and micromanaging situations to avoid issues ( his impulsiveness and speaking his mind) I can give him back his power. Allow him to own his own mistakes and deal with those instead of always trying to cushion the blow. My husband is very involved with our son and gives him a lot of attention, I think my concern will be when he is older and really pushing his buttons, I don't know if he'll be able to respond in a healthy controlled manner. It's a work in progress I can only hope I'm not the only one who ends up putting in the work or else I'll have a decision to make. Thank you all.
Had to respond to this one
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
Had to respond to this one too Kal! one of the BIGGEST things that bothers me is when my boyfriend doesn't respond. It feels very lonely living with a partner that has ADHD...