"People who are always disapproving" are individuals who tend to express negative opinions or criticism about others' actions, choices, or behaviors frequently, often seeming to find fault with almost anything, creating an overall critical and judgmental attitude.
Key characteristics of someone who is always disapproving:
Constant criticism:
They readily point out flaws or perceived mistakes in others, even in minor situations.
Skeptical outlook:
They often question the motives and intentions behind others' actions, assuming the worst.
High standards:
They may hold excessively high standards for themselves and others, leading to frequent disapproval.
Non-supportive demeanor:
They may not readily offer encouragement or positive feedback, focusing more on negative aspects.
Body language cues:
A disapproving look, furrowed brows, or a dismissive tone can accompany their verbal criticism."
This is my SO when you stand back and see this as a collection of behaviors. This is her problem, not mine.
My problem is: having ADHD with RSD means, constant criticism and disapproval ignites and trigger my RSD which makes a constant battle to maintain self esteem and "feeling good about myself". The battle is real...but it's an internal battle with myself, not my SO.
Separating these two things, makes it eaier for me to see just where the problem exists:
RSD ( fear of rejection and being criticized ) vs getting criticized and constabtly having your flaws and mistakes pointed out to you accompanied by disapproval.
Not taking it personally and not letting this get "inside my head" is the solution.
Part of that is recognizing she does this with everything and everybody no matter who they are...I'm not excluded.
This is her problem, not mine....as this description does not accurately describe me in the big picture, ongoing, on a day to day basis.
I have other issues but this one is not it.
Being objective is my biggest ally in this problem. She's not like this in every situation all the time...but, she is like this by default...a lot of the time. It's not black and white, but it definitely affects me negativity having RSD. Often enough, that I'm triggered more days than not in the big picture.
Hard to be objective
Submitted by Swedish coast on
J, I'm sorry you're feeling criticized.
When in the marriage, I must have looked to my then husband much as you described your SO. All unconscious expression of general distress must have seemed like criticism. He thought I was disgusted by him physically, which was not the case. He reacted strongly to me coming home in a low mood because work had been upsetting. When I was knocked out by a virus, he was animatedly trying to confront me about my behavior, like my fever was really disapproval of him.
He wasn't entirely wrong. Our marriage was not treating me well and I was frustrated with him. But my feelings for him were a lot more loving than he thought.
To have asked of him to be objective would have been pointless. We only perceive what bears a meaning to us. If very wary of disapproval, that's what you'll see.
I know this because I nowadays often imagine that people think ill of me. It's more comfortable to take a professional role with people, being there for them without personal emotions or hopes. I've learned over the years my needs and emotions don't matter.
Could you ask her if she is unhappy or feels insecure? Perhaps that's why she often furrows her brow. Maybe it has little to do with you, and you could feel better if she explains it.
Therapy, Identifying Triggers ...Swedish
Submitted by J on
I started therapy recently to work on me. Identifying triggers was mentioned as well as Symptom/ Response/Response. This post is on part...me doing my homework and pinpointing the exact cause of my triggers leading to anger. My SO admittedly can be judgmental and critical and within those two things come things about me she's complained about. Disapproval is linked in there with judgment. If you think about it, a judgement is a conclusion about a person. Wrong or right, it tells you what they think of you in the form of a label: not smart, uninteresting, lazy, etc...These descriptions, undermine your self esteem after a while. I don't see myself as not smart or stupid so that I can easily see past that. Uninteresting ( boring ) and lazy or irresponsible starts to cut deeper. If the person ypu love things you're: stupid, irresponsible, lazy and boring....that doesn't paint a very good picture as it's presented to you. That's what the judgement does.
In therapy...it was mentioned that my SO will get the chance to to tell the therapist what she sees.( what I may be missing ). I look forward to seeing what she says and compare what I'm hearing in those judgmental comments and see if they line up.
An example Swedish
Submitted by J on
This is one of those silly moments of no consequence when I was actually trying to help her in the kitchen. She was complaining that her hand was hurting ( from arthritis ) and she had a heavy cast iron pot in her hand that needed to go on the stove behind me. I offered to to lift it for her as she stood there holding it in her hand. I stood there waiting for her to put it down so I could move it for her.....pause....... She then says in an irritated voice: "well, take it from me....Sheese....it isn't rocket science. I wonder about you sonetimes."
Obviously, she expected me to take it from her hands....which is a lot harder to transfer the handles from her hands to mine instead of just setting it down a letting me pick it up and move it. It also made no sense for her to walk it half way to the stove when the whole point was me taking the load from her and walking it all the way myself so she didn't have to carry it...because her hands hurt. That was the point...so she didn't have to do it.
This was clearly a case of the both of us thinking two things that weren't lining up. I was waiting for her to do one thing, and she was waiting for me to do another. No big deal right?
But as I read that situation...she expected me to somehow know ( mind read ) that she wanted me to grab it from her hands instead of her putting it down. And when I stood waiting for her to put it down....she implied I was stupid ( it's not rocket science ) and threw in "I wonder about you sometimes". Her judgement was, I was too dumb to figure it our and she ( by default ) is more capable or superior or...what ever? Than me because it's so simple.
I didn't see it that way at all obviously....and it made no sense for her ( with hurting wrists ) in my mind to keep holding it and walking it halfway to her destination which at that point, she might as well walk the extra two steps to where she wanted it?
But the issue isn't that this situation happened or that two people thought different things. The issue is the judgement and the "it isn't rocket science " comment including the the disapproval at the end.
That's a huge part of what makes me feel insecure. The already formed opinion or judgement that I'm just not smart enough to figure it out. That right there, is the trigger.
In that one situation...I said nothing and let her be wrong. The incident was meaningless. The comment and the judgement ( conclusion ) is what tells me what she thinks of me. And that's a big part of what makes me feel insecure..which is the very thing she really hates most.
For now, I'm just identifying these moments as triggers that make me feel insecure. Letting it go it much more difficult when these judgements start piling up. Like I said...each one comes with a specific label...whether it's said outright or implied like this one.
Helping
Submitted by Swedish coast on
When it comes to gender roles and housework, there's a world of things to be said about initiative, responsibility and women generally doing unfair amounts of emotional and practical work... It's not ADHD specific. I don't know anything about your life or work division either, so let's not get into it.
But if I were in acute pain, and someone said they wanted to help me, I'd imagine the point would be for them to make the pain go away. Immediately. Not stand around waiting for me to do another painful thing. There is no other superior logic than pain relief for someone in pain.
People who say "is there anything I can do for you" but do nothing when I'm in obvious distress are worse than having nobody around. They not only don't see what needs to be done, and don't help out, they also ask new things of me, namely to instruct them when I'm already overwhelmed.
I believe this is why family happiness sometimes thins out before big holidays.
Swedish
Submitted by J on
Expectations and gender roles have a huge part to play in this. I believe this to be true as well. And without going too far down that rode for the moment, my role in the kitchen IS helper by default, because I'm literally not allowed to "cook" in the kitchen having to do with the control thing again. ( a different topic ). My only approved job there is helper and sometimes sous chef. She's the head chef you might say, and can also be a little like Gordon Ramsey in her delivery too. Lol That's part of it as well. There's also the ADHD thing of low tolerance to frustration and impatience going on too. I understand that part, but years of doing frustrating and meticulous work has taught me to control that out of necessity. In my younger years, definitely not so much! I recognize that too. And aa you said, no one is their best when in pain. This is all in the moment. I get that.
I've been going through times when I've had my worst moments of anger. Fortunately, there haven't been many so I can replay them I'm my head. This is one of her biggest issues, which I'm sure, she'll mention if asked. In these moments, I've realized some common threads. This is also related to me fewlng insecure:
- my feelings are hurt
-I feel unimportant
-when I say something, my feelings are minimized and dismissed.
-At this point, is when I get angry.
The trigger is having my feelings disregarded ( dismissed ) and the situation minimized to the point that there's no acknowledgment or apology.
Further, being accused of things completely unrelated ( at least to me ) which only makes me angrier. Also seemingly, a whole lot of empathy missing.
This is why, I'm finding the attachment theory so helpful. For an avoidant person...they value their space and their need to feel like they're not losing their independence. That's a big deal. For me, empathy for her involves understanding this. If I lose sight of that, I lose my ability to understand her in the moments when she gets defensive or angry when my feelings are hurt if she is, "exercising her need for independence ", and it actually hurts my feelings. That doesn't mean her behavior is justified or okay...but it means that if I try to engage her about "why" she acts that way or expect an answer ( or an apology ) in that moment...I'm not only going to be disappointed, she's likely to dig her heels in further which will only make me angrier. In these moments, is where my anger goes through the roof. This is the cause, or every time I've lost control of my anger with her consistently.
That's a big trigger. And it can be traced to my feelings being hurt first...then having them dismissed, immediately after. And the common theme is her, protecting her need for independence, space and distance from me. I could reword that as: acting as if I didn't exist or...acting as if you're single...but yet, you aren't. Having your cake and eating it too kind of behavior possibly.
This is now what I'm beginning to understand better, so I can understand her. Putting myself in her shoes means...understanding how avoidants work first. If I can understand it, I may not like it, but at least I won't blow my top and feel so hurt about it and not take it personally.
Isn't that being objective?
PS
Submitted by J on
( avoidants ) appear to have 0 ability to communicate to you, anything I just said at times! Lol
Also important to remember!