Submitted by AshRae84 on 04/14/2008.
Forgive me if this has already been covered, I have read through the site, and haven't found anything that matches it. I am engaged to a man who was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. He was initially put on medication, but later taken off of it. (The reasons I've been told were that he didn't function like a normal child at all *more like a zombie*, and he gained a substantial amount of weight on the medication.)
He is a great person, and I have no doubt that he has a beautiful soul, and wonderful heart. The problem is that at times when we fight, he basically "loses it." Last night, he attempted to choke me. So bad to the point that I tore skin off of his arm trying to get him off of me. This is the worst it has ever been. Most of the time he will start to grab me, or attempt to be physical, but then lets go, and backs off. This time, he didn't stop. Later, after the storm, I discussed it with him, and told him that he couldn't do that to me. It was not acceptable.
His father abused his mother, and stepmother, and I asked him if he felt that he did these things because he had experienced them as a child, but he said that when he does it to me, it's almost like he blacks out. He reaches a point where he's so furious that he doesn't even know what he's doing until it's too late.
He believes it is because of his ADHD that he does this. I don't want to leave him, and he doesn't want to lose me either. But I can't live my life being scared of my fiance (and eventually Husband).
I told him I think he should speak to a professional and see what his options are, and possibly look into anger management. He doesn't want to resume medication, as he gained close to 100lbs last time, and doesn't want that to happen again.
My question, I guess, is, Does ADHD cause such tremendous anger like this? And would an ADHD medication help, or what should we look into? I truly intend to stand by him, and he is willing to get help, I just don't know where to even begin...
A.R.
Response from Dr. Hallowell
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your post was completely out of my league, so I asked Dr. Hallowell to respond to it. Here is what he wrote:
ADHD does not cause a person to strangle another person. Whatever goes into such an act we don't fully understand, but it is much more than just ADHD. Your fiance needs help, and needs help right away. If I were you, I would seriously consider moving out until he gets that help and until you and a qualfied expert agree that it is safe for the two of you to be together again. A qualified expert would be some mental health professional.
Your finace needs help for sure, but the immediate concern is your safety. You must take care of that first and foremost. Once you are safe--and as long as you are living with him in his current state you are not safe, in my opinion--then and only then can you work on getting him help. --- Help for him may indeed include medication, (and not medication that would make him gain weight). But it would most of all include education and counseling. He needs to develop insight into who he is and why he does what he does. Right now he sounds pretty clueless. That's dangerous. There is hope, for sure, but it begins with protection. Then, education. Then, therapy.
I (Melissa) would add to this that no matter how much you think you love this man, DO NOT marry him until he is fully straightened out. It's too dangerous for you.
Melissa Orlov
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by AshRae84 on
For AshRae
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I'm delighted that your fiance is considering seeing a doctor. Please, please, please make sure to keep yourself safe first and foremost. This means, unfortunately, moving out until his anger is sorted out, is likely your best bet.
Melissa Orlov
ADHD & anger
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
adhd
Submitted by rondosarah on
I don't feel safe...
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
So, A.R., once you are safe,
Submitted by Gawain on
ADHD With Anger
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
think about YOUR future
Submitted by Survivor on
No excuse
Submitted by Nighthawk on
anger and rage
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Rage
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It's not uncommon for people with ADD to have a quick trigger into anger...but it is very hard to live with this type of anger. From the perspective of the non-ADD spouse who used to have to deal with unexpected bursts of anger, it's highly, highly stressful. You never know when your life is going to explode because your husband goes into an unexpected rage.
The situation that you describe and seem to justify as your way of "processing" information is not healthy for anyone who is living with you, nor is it healthy for you. There are better ways for you to process. Please talk with your doctor about ways to manage your anger.
You don' t mention whether or not you are treating your ADD, but our experience in this household was that a lovely side benefit of treating my husband's ADD with Wellbutrin was that he no longer went into these angry spurts.
Or, to put it another way, is banging a dish a reason to put your hand through a wall?! Something else is going on here, and you should work with your doctor to figure out how to get it under control for your benefit, for your wife's benefit, and for the benefit of any kids you might have (imagine being a child and having your father putting his hands through walls and hitting pots so hard that they bend! That would be so, so scary...!) Please address this sooner rather than later...in my opinion you are using your ADD and the fact that you have always done things this way as an excuse to continue doing them this way. It will take lots of self-evaluation, and possibly some medication, but you CAN change this!
Melissa Orlov