Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Small Example of Big Frustration by: Hoping4More 14 years 8 months ago

    I fell like it is so hard to have even the simplest conversations with my wife, and it has become so frustrating. 

    An example from last night:

    Me, as we are about to watch a recorded TV show:  One more show and then bed?

    Her, referring to the fact that it's a little earlier than our usual bedtime:  Oh good.  I can go in early tomorrow.

    Me, wondering what time she will be getting up in the morning:  Oh, what time do you need to leave?

    Her:  I don't need to leave at any time.

    Me, thinking she must have misunderstood my question:  Oh, let me rephrase the question - what time are you planning to leave?

    Her:  I don't know.

    Me, still attempting to find out what time she is thinking of leaving in the morning:  What time are you thinking about leaving?

    Her:  I'm not thinking about any particular time.

    Me:  About what time are you thinking of leaving?

    Her:  I don't know.

    Me, starting to get frustrated that what I thought was a simple question, i.e. what time are you leaving tomorrow, is not getting answered:  You mentioned something about leaving early tomorrow when I mentioned going to bed.  I'm just trying to figure out what time you are planning on leaving.

    Her:  I don't KNOW!

    Me:  Why do you have to make everything so difficult?  I just asked a simple question!

    Her:  I'm not trying to be difficult.

    Me:  Then why won't you answer my question?

    I never did get an answer.

    I can't tell you how common interactions like this are.  It's become so difficult just to have a simple conversation with my wife.  I end up getting frustrated, and I know she does too.

    And so, it's rare to have conversations that are pleasant.  One more thing I used to enjoy with my wife that I don't anymore.  It's getting so that I avoid talking to her unless absolutely necessary.

    Any thoughts, suggestions?

  • Physical Intimacy and ADD by: aking2 14 years 8 months ago

    I experienced a lack of climax during most of my marriage.  I had a difficult time tuning out the romantic music that my wife would put on before love making.  I did not understand that it was ADD, since I did not get my dx until after our divorce.  Physical intimacy and love were two separate entities inside of my head.  Do any other men share this experience?

  • Requests - the sweet spot between 'ignored' and 'explosion' by: wagnerism 14 years 8 months ago

    Non-ADD spouse here.  I'm out of ideas on how to communicate.  I'm rather frustrated at the moment.  I'm stuck without a way to effectively express any needs or complaints.  My attempts fail in two ways.

    My polite, earnest, repeated, gentle, feeble, whatever, attempts don't get any results.  I then have to decide if it is important enough to escalate.  I have to give up minor requests or bottle up minor complaints - which would be tolerable if they weren't so many or they didn't remain indefinitely.  That gets old.

    The ones I choose to escalate always end up in an explosion.  There is no middle, no understanding, no discussion.  I feel that she punishes me.  She fights unfairly, acts childish, lashes out hatefully, and holds grudges.  Her behavior ensures that I thoroughly regret it.  That gets really old.  I don't like having to set off a bomb in order to get anywhere with anything - and any benefit gained be temporary.

    While I love her, I don't particularly like her anymore.  The love is fading too as my relationship with her degrades into "moody inconsiderate roommate".  She is losing me.  I cry as I watch my two boys play in the room here because more rides on this than just my personal happiness and I care less for her happiness every day.

    She believes that things are fine between us at the moment.  This is not some ruse on my part.  She is oblivious and things have returned to the usual.  Things work as long as I don't express anything that can't be ignored.  I'm afraid that I could lose hope, escalate everything at once, and blow it up so bad that we would be finished.

     

    Does anybody have any ideas on how to get through without breaking through?

  • Meeting new therapist-What questions can/should I ask? by: Sueann 14 years 8 months ago

    My husband and I have been struggling with his ADD (no H) for years. He's gotten on meds and then he was at least willing to be employed. But I still feel like an afterthought in his life. He does nothing in the house. As I write this (3 on a Sunday afternoon) he's asleep. I am very frustrated. All of you know this story.

    He has agreed to try marriage counseling again. We've had mixed results. The first counselor we saw was wonderful. She was our age and cut through his crap and got him to understand that if he refused to even look for a job, I was justified in leaving him. She was an intern and was required to drop us when she got a "real job." Then we saw college students who were studying at a psychology clinic at our local university. We felt like "the blind leading the blind." They did not want to focus on what I see as the real issues--how can I forgive him for refusing to work for 3 years and letting me go without meds for my hypertension for all that time? Why didn't he care if I could have died? The other issue is that he does nothing in the house and can't remember anything. He lost my keys today and he's sleeping instead of looking for the only key we have to my car!

    I made this appointment with a counselor at the clinic where he gets his meds. They focus on anxiety and depression (my husband is depressed, co-morbid with ADD). We are going to pay way more than we can afford, even after insurance. How can we make sure we get someone who understands ADD and won't discount its importance to the marital problems? How can I tell if this is the right person to help us? Basically, I just made the appointment with the only person on staff who has appointments on Saturday, because he is too hyperfocusd on his job to see someone during the week. That's not a good way to pick but he often works til 7, so it's very hard to find someone who will do it on Saturday. I feel like this is just a shot in the dark, but there are very few options since he won't leave work early because I need this. What questions should I ask? A bad counselor can make things worse. How do I avoid that?

  • First step today by: Ambrosia 14 years 8 months ago
    Well I don't know where to begin. I've been married 32 years and only very recently learned enough about ADD & ADHD to think maybe my husband has this. I mentioned some things I'd learned about it to him in passing once and he said oh yeah, that's what it's like. I didn't think much more about it until I heard Melissa on TV this week promoting her book. So I thought I would look into this a little more because it sounded like us. I found this site today and have been reading and OMG this IS us. Fortunately our marriage has survived but this would explain SO much about why it is the way it is which is really helpful. It also explains a lot of things about my husband. I love him dearly but I think understanding more about this could help him, me and us. So today I got him to sit with me with no other distractions and told him what I had discovered. He listened and we had a very thoughtful conversation about many things. We agreed we wanted to learn more about this and would start by reading this book and maybe another one. I'm happy he was willing to listen and investigate and didn't get upset or discount the idea. I'm really in shock after reading some things here. It is so much like us. I'm looking forward to learning more about this as I think it could improve our quality of life and prevent things from getting worse. So glad to have found this site.
  • Brain training CDs/Neurological feedback any good for treatment? by: frodo 14 years 8 months ago

    Being new to this site, I think I am posting stuff in the wrong places - so this is a duplicate of a 'comment' I posted.

    Has anyone had experience with SharperPrograms? (http://www.sharperprograms.com/) or Ace Clinics? (http://www.aceclinics.com/ADHD). They both sound good, but I'm a bit suspicious of brain improvement type CDs. Thanks.
     

  • Will therapy and medication really improve empathy? by: chicago 14 years 8 months ago

    It has recently become very clear to both my husband and myself that my husband has ADD.  He will soon be 'officially' tested, but neither of us has any doubt after the reading we've done.  My main concern is the lack of empathy in our marriage (and god knows I have many concerns about his behavior but this tops the list).  I don't see how any relationship can be successful at fulfilling emotional needs with the lack of empathy I have seen from my husband.  We're talking jaw-dropping examples that border on mental cruelty....but which strangely don't seem to gel with who I really believe him to be.

    So...from those of you further down the line than I am at dealing with ADHD in your partner....have you seen improvements in empathy levels as a result of medication and therapy?  Seriously, I want the 'real' answers, not the 'make me feel better' answers.

    I don't know if I can stay in a relationship where the only empathy comes from learned responses suggested by a therapist..."when your wife is in serious pain, you should look concerned"!  Will medication change the way his brain functions to the point where he can truly show empathy and really feel it?

  • Nothing seems to be working! by: Helene 14 years 8 months ago

    I'm new to this blog, but not new to having inattentive ADD.  After being fired from several jobs after a long and successful career with one company I was finally diagnosed.  I've read just about everything out there on ADD, go to a support group for adults, see one of the best cognitive therapists, and a well known psychiatrist....and I still seem to be chasing my tail day after day.  I'm on meds now and they help somewhat, but not enough!  I seem to be unable to do anything which doesn't interest me, and my house is just a mess!  I can't seem to get it together!

    What else is there to do?

  • How do I start acting like me again? by: ebb and flow 14 years 8 months ago

    I'm the non-ADDer and all the descriptions on this site about the dynamic between ADDer and non-ADDer are outstandingly similar to mine!

    So, I get that part... Most of us feel when we ask our ADDer to help out, do a task/chore, offer a common courtesy or spend time we get a mouthful. Attitude, excuses, "not right now" responses. And it makes our stomach just knot up and anger flares.

    But how on earth are we suppose to change how we respond to them?

    I mean, it's very human to want someone you love, and someone you think loves you back to care enough to pay attention to little details (or even BIG details) and help out or spend time. But what do we do when they can't? I mean they seem, on the outside, fully capable of helping but inside they can't. Or even, they used to help and pay attention but now they don't.

    How do we continue to want to be around that person and give them love?

    I'm all for hopping on the "vent" wagon.. but what now?

    How do we change our minds about how things are suppose to be done, and when things are suppose to be done in order to accommodate our ADDer's disorder?

    I mean, we are talking about a disorder and not some evil, defiant being who is doing this intentionally to stir us up on purpose, right? ;) (I wink because I've thought this on many occasions)

    I don't know about the rest of you but before this relationship with an ADDer I was a very kind hearted, caring, compassionate, gentle and for the most part patient person who had their sh%t together. I think that's what drew him to me! But now I'm quite the opposite. I've completely stepped out of my comfort zone and into an area I'm not comfortable with and I'd like to get myself back!  Since when do I allow other peoples behavior define who I am as a person?? I want to be me again.... And I believe now is the perfect opportunity to practice all of those wonderful qualities I thought I once had.

    But how? How do you get those qualities back and apply them to the very person you LOVE who's harming you the most???

    Coping tips on how to not let living with an ADDer eat you alive would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks!

  • How can you manage medication and self? by: ryvyn 14 years 8 months ago

    I have ADD, I've known since I was in 3rd grade.  It was then I was put on Ritalin and just shy of 4 years later I stopped taking it - I felt that as a child it was having an extremely detrimental effect on my ability to develop a sense of self as I seemed to be two completely different people.  On ritalin I had no interest in taking risks or having fun.  Off ritalin I was only about risk taking and being impulsive. 

    Flash forward to now, I'm 30 years old and I've never seriously looked back at going on medication because, to be honest in all this time I've learned a lot of ways to cope and live with my behavior patterns and I really do believe that they are a part of who I am.  That said I'm tired of hearing girlfriend after girlfriend complain about the same things.  I am habitually late, my organizational skills are minimal, I'm professionally not as successful as I am in my personal life.  All things I have long known, understood and coped with being ADD.

    The reason I am posting this is that I am seriously considering, after reading posts here, of putting myself back on medication to see if it helps certain areas of my life.  I'd like to be able to muster the willpower to go to bed before 1 am, I'd like to be more focused and productive at my job and I'd like to be able to get a grip on organization, my finances and being late which aren't things I'm proud of.  But the fact of the matter is I am terrified of losing my sense of self to the medication.  I'm a very creative person and I'm impulsive.  I am extremely caring and good at relating to people and have a high level of emotional intelligence for a man.  These are the things I want to keep.  I mountain bike as my main hobby and I'm a little afraid that the medication will effect this.  When I was a kid I remember describing being on ritalin as thinking of doing something and stopping to consider the vast array of consequences that action could have, and ultimately not doing much of anything because the consequences of almost any action dwarfed the reward.  My biking is a great metaphor for my life, I just do and act without thinking and handle the consequences. 

    How do I get the best of both worlds?  It may seem like a silly question but how do I preserve my sense of self and not become dependent on a pill that in many ways will cause me to act contrary to how I would act otherwise?  We are defined by our actions to a great degree in life and I do work to constantly improve myself.  I'm just afraid of exactly what I was afraid of 18 years ago, that when on the medicine I will be the same person I was then, 18 years back.  Calm, disconnected, extremely rational but not me. 

    I'd love to hear from anyone who's gone back on the medication and how they handle it or people who know people that have.  Or ideas and suggestions from anyone.

Pages