hi,

I was inspired by Miss B to share this "aha" I had the first time I read that people with "executive functions" problems (I have both ADD and bipolar) don't have the ability to think in hierarchies.

When I am talking with my DH, especially when he asks me a question, I have often said "what layer of the cake are you talking about?"  What I realized was that while I can see all of the possible answers/meanings/ramifications of his question, I have no clue as to which is the most appropriate one.  It is very frustration to both of us.

I am wondering if this is also contributing to my defensiveness.

To try and give an example:

DH: "Did you send DSIL the $180.00 we owe her?"  (he had requested that I do this.  paying bills is my job)

A normal person would understand that he is asking for information primarily, and reminding me secondarily.  Their "hierarchy of meanings" might look like this:

I. DH wants to gather the facts of the situation--appropriate answers are: yes, no, I'm not sure, I'll check.

.....A. If my answer is "no," this query will serve as a reminder to me

..........1. he might be mad that I forgot

..........2. on the other hand, he might not be mad, just wanting to make sure its done

...............a. he might be willing to take on the task, if I don't have time for it

...............b. he might be willing to otherwise support me to get it done

.....B. If my answer is "yes," I have the opportunity to get acknowledged

..........1. he might be confident that I did it, but just wants to confirm

...............a. there may be some reason that I don't know about that makes him want to make sure

...............b. he might have just remembered it himself, and the question just popped out of his mouth

..........2. he might have a nagging doubt, so wants to resolve this

..........3. he might want to thank me, but wants to be sure I did it before doing that

.....C. If my answer is "I don't know," I should check

..........1. he's mad at me for not remembering

..........2. it's been a while, and I never let him know that I did

..........3. his sister would never ask him for payment, so he wants to ask me instead

While as for me, there is no distinction of primary, secondary, or tertiary; meanings.  Instead, I have all the meanings, and what I notice is the quantity; the number of meanings that are "flattering" to me, vs. "unflattering."  In my brain, the "response-tree" is more like a mud puddle:

he might want to thank me, but wants to be sure I did it before doing that; he might be mad that I forgot; there may be some reason that I don't know about that makes him want to make sure; If my answer is "yes," I have the opportunity to get acknowledged; he might be willing to take on the task, if I don't have time for it; he might be willing to otherwise support me to get it done; DH wants to gather the facts of the situation--appropriate answers are: yes, no, I'm not sure, I'll check; it's been a while, and I never let him know that I did, ET CETERA...

it is NOT automatically obvious to me which of these possible scenarios are the most likely to be relevant; in other words, what I should be responding to.  On top of potentially facing several negative judgments on his part, I am also fairly overwhelmed by all of the possible implications.  I find myself responding emotionally to ALL of the possible meanings, not the "most likely."  And it doesn't feel good to me, so I want to defend myself from this "onslaught" of ickyness.

The problem is, I don't see that all of this "ickyness" is going on in MY head... to me, it looks like it is coming from him.  And of course, if I accuse him of this, he will deny it... which then drives me CRAZY, because can't he feel the undercurrents of his communication?  WHY WON'T HE OWN THIS!  and then, of course, we are off to the races...

My husband has known hes ADHD for a long time he is 25 now, we struggle regularly with this. The way he treats me and doesn't realize it, nor understands why im upset. Recently I found that my husband was talking to a girl online from a game he played quite frequently. We've had issues with the game because it took all his focus but I never imagined that he'd reach out to a female on there. At first, it was that I found naked pics of her on there, and he lied saying he didn't know it was her. Then I found out that it was a girl he ran with in his guild. I was devastated but willing to work things out. We had a discussion and I thought everything was okay he agreed not to talk to her at all anymore and that the pics was as far as it went. The next day I went to six flags with a  girlfriend that had be planned for several weeks.  He called me while I was gone telling me how much he missed me and I needed to hurry up and get home. I really thought that he was wanting to work things out. The very next day hes on his game and I come in the room and see that hes iming with her. He immediately explodes says that he should still be friends with her and that hes leaving. So his buddy comes to pick him up that night. I was so confused, I didn't know why he overreacted or what was going on he compleat shut down said he needed a few days. Well I decided to talk to the female find out what going on. I contacted her on the game and he immediately calls me... She texted him on a cell phone I didn't even know he had. He tells me that hes packing up and leaving me for good. I'm falling apart at this point not understanding at all what has gone on. I had thought we were doing good, I had backed off and stopped nagging. We were arguing less. I contacted the girl again, begging her to tell me what happened. She gave me a one sided story making herself be the innocent though I know they were both at fault. She told me while I was gone at sixflags he got on webcam with her and showed her things and talked sexual, very sexual. That their texting was the same way. She then gave me his cell number. I called him late that night after talking to her for an hour and told him I wasn't over reacting but the next day he will be picked up at work by me, and he was coming home. That day he came back he was distant, and seemed cold more then normal. He stayed at the computer and barely talked to me. Finally I went in there and told him i loved him and wanted to work things out. That I was confused, he told me he was too that he didn't understand why he did it, that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but the girl gave him a new feeling of feeling special and he wanted to hold on to it longer. I'm having the hardest time getting over it, it hurts so much because I give him my everything and return hes withheld and distant. He doesn't take into account my feelings about things, and thinks that this problem just disappeared the day he came home. I know hes really trying he has blocked her on everything and lets me check all his records, but still the dreams are there and how do I know hes not going to get this feeling and do it again. I just want to reach out to other women who know what I am going thru and that can give me some advice. I dont want to leave my husband, I love him dearly and I know he loves me just as much which makes this ever harder. I just want him to really understand how much this really hurt me, how im falling apart inside but still trying to be strong for him and its not helping me at all

I love my ADHD partner very much. He is a caring, loving, intelligent energetic person, but has not figured out his own role and position in life yet. With my patience and help he is getting more insights and he even has gained a little self reflection! He is happy that I helped him reach this and he has changed greatly. He had to get over his own stubbornness (took him years) and it took him years to see his own personality in nuances. At some points he fails in seeing the good things in his own character, but it has been the case the other way around too. This is all falling in more perspective. He has been seeing a great coach and as I wrote in an other topic he records the conversation to make it easier on himself (not afraid anymore to forget). 

When we started our relationship, almost 7 years ago, I was madly in love with him. The butterfly in stomach feeling remained for years. We were so different and at the same time so much alike. I can truly be myself with him. We suspect I have ADD, or at least have lots of ADD traits. My brother has been recently diagnosed with ADD and I suspect my father for having it too. 

He has been unfaithful and had literally a couple dozen internet affairs, kissed girls when going out, told more than 200 lies, refused to speak to me about it, didn't know how to comfort me when he had hurt me. He showed me I was not his priority and pushed me down with words and many many more. And at the same time he believed he was the best boyfriend and treating me with respect. The respect lacked in more than one way. I couldn't understand this and I was hurting deeply. At the same time hating myself that I was putting up with him and still loving him deeply. I just couldn't let go, I love(d) him too much. I continued hating the victim role I was being pushed in though.  

I have had communication classes and tried every correct way I had learned about in my education. It didn't help one bit, maybe made it even worse. When I started getting really angry things started to change.  Shouting yelling, crying brought change. I am a controlled person and when I was communicating correctly I didn't express a lot of emotion in a non verbal way (it is hard for me, I bottle up). But when he actually could SEE me getting really hurt his eyes slowly started to open. He also had trouble feeling empathy. When he had broken my trust again and lied to me about it and saw me getting hurt, he couldn't grasp what the impact were of his actions. Two times in my relationship I deliberately copied his behavior and made him feel what I was feeling in a small and controlled amount of course. It is very drastic and I do not recommend it to everyone. It was simply the last I could do to let him see. I am certain that it opened his eyes the first time and I think it has also helped the second time (still too fresh).

In the times that I was totally lost and when I needed comfort I posted my situation on the internet. People who didn't know an ADHD person in their direct environment couldn't absolutely understand why I was still with him. What are you supposed to do when your heart is crying out for your partner and shutting down the relationship is the last thing you want? Love gives me blindness, I know that. But love also conquers. It hurt me deeply that people blamed me for getting hurt, even though they were right in theory. They could not understand anything I was saying. They also could not understand why I wanted to copy his actions to show him what he did to me. That was also a thing people could not understand. This made me feel more alone. When I started reading about other ADHD relationships a whole world opened up for me. I think that only someone who's also in an ADHD/ADD relationship or has it him/herself can understand the situation we are in. 

But it still bothers me, that people judge me negatively for being in love with someone so intensely. Of course I know that I had exposed myself to drama in the past and maybe even still. But love is a powerful thing...I didn't WANT to give up on him. And I still don't want to. I am so happy that my partner has changed his negative ways for over 75%!!!!!!!!!!!! I am finally getting back my confidence in small portions at a time. It makes us clash because I refuse to let him walk over me again, but are relationship is far more equal now. But when I say that he has changed and that we are still having some trouble on a Dutch forum I was on a while ago, the negative reactions really hurt me..Some people expect other people to change 360 degrees over night. And they point fingers at me for staying with him....

How is this for everyone else?

Greetings from Holland. 

Hi all,

I am very new to this site and hope to get some feedback.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age and i thought i had it under control in my adult life. I have ben dating my Girlfriend for 3 1/2 years and my communication seems to be getting worse. My main issue is that when someone is speaking to me, i often only hear the first few words they say and the rest just sort of disappear. This happens with my girlfriend, my Best Friend, co-workers and Boss. Recently i was in a job interview and was fielding questions and it even happened there. It was actually that interview which led me to realize i have some issues with communication.

My Girlfriend is very nonconfrontational, so most often the issues she has, she does not communicate. This can be good for me at times, but i realize that it may be hurting my relationship with her. But without her telling me i cannot be sure.

I used to be on medication for my adhd, but i feel it was too much. I stopped taking the medication after high school. I was taking 60mg of time release Dexedrine a day, 30mg in the morning, and 30 mg at luch. It turned me into a zombie. I dont have very good health insurance so im not sure that medication is something attainable for me. What i am looking for are tips and best practices. basically, i would like some feedback on ways that i can communicate these issues with others, without angering them.

anything is appreciated

Thank you