I've been thinking about power balances in relationship recently, and the role that validation plays in maintaining balance between partners.  I want to propose that you consider doing an experiment to better understand the ways that you and your spouse validate each other (or don't).  If you understand this better it will give you information about how to diminish conflict in your household.

I’m spending quite a bit of time these days thinking about how to get men with ADHD to realize that their ADHD affects those around them more than they think.  At least two men I can think of who have ADHD say they wish someone (other than their wives) had “hit them upside the head” with information that would convince them that their ADHD was causing real problems.

It seems as if a lot of non-ADD spouses at this site have been bending over backwards to accommodate their ADD spouse’s issues, often finding that doing so is exhausting and making them angry and miserable.  I would like to suggest that while negotiating how to meet somewhere in the middle is a part of all marriages, many non-ADD spouses are giving (and giving in) way too much.  Let me explain –

It has been my observation that people with in ADD marriages violate each other’s personal boundaries quite frequently, and in both directions.  This becomes a huge issue for the relationship, as both partners become locked in an unwitting struggle for control, lose respect for each other, and often lose a sense of themselves as unique individuals in a way that diminishes them individually and as a couple.

Ned Hallowell likes to say that while ADHD can be a reason you did something in the past, it shouldn’t be used as an excuse to do it over and over again.  But before the non-ADD of you start to say “see, this is exactly what I mean!” let me clarify.