Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • when it just might not work for the adhd partner by: blic_known 14 years 9 months ago

    I have an impossible time wading through long posts, so I will try to keep this short, as if I had to read it instead of having written it!

    I am adhd, diagnosed around 5 years ago, with non-adhd spouse, in 20+ year relationship, personal counseling for most of the last 5 years, couples counseling for 2 or 3 years [time spans are vague for me; time is only a concept] :-).

    So many of the posts on this forum about stressed relationships seem to be posted by non-adhd partners who are questioning a marriage or relationship. I am an example of the other side, questioning my marriage.

    Over time I have been able to see myself more and more clearly, mostly in terms of my positive attributes (I was quite aware of "bad" qualities, but had no idea, until diagnosed, that much of it was adhd related behavior, and not personal failure). I have also begun to see my wife more clearly, and the dynamics of our relationship.

    I am beginning to feel that, although my wife and I are both fine human beings who love each other, our goals, preferences, life-style inclinations, may not be compatible. The glue that held the relationship together may end up having been composed, to an untenable degree, of a set of negative co-dependencies.

    So much of what I have read about relationships, from so many sources, focuses, naturally, on making relationships work. But what if that is, possibly, not the best outcome for a couple? What discussion might "the experts" or others have from the point of view of the healthiest outcome for a couple being dissolution or divorce?

    I ask the question because with so much attention and focus on how to work through negative adhd related patterns, and save relationships, it makes it very very difficult to see ending a relationship as a healthy outcome when in fact it might be. As someone emerging from a cloud of self-doubt and perception of failure (despite being an objectively successful person), the idea of divorce looms as the mother of all failures for me.

     

     

  • Hope for Reconciliation by: willie 14 years 9 months ago

    I was married to a person I cared deeply about and was in love with for many years. My marriage has now ended and I believe our problems for the most part were due to a lack of effort in getting help for my ADHD and depression. I never realized how this could affect a marriage until recently. I had a self-diagnosis yet never followed up with it. I have had some depression problems that I have been working on as well. Recently after formally testing off the charts with a psychiatrist did I realize how the deterioration was due in large part to the ADHD. I am grateful to know that the gray clouds for decades have been figured out. I am on medications and through self-help exercises, therapy, and meds everything makes sense and I now "get it". I am sad that I miss the one person I truly care about and the misery I put her through for years. I wish something could be done but forgiving and forgetting are two different issues. The divorce is final and she feels the scars will never heal. I want no one else. We are very amicable and children are involved. We see and talk everyday. I did not fight anything through the proceedings since I left her as I figured it to be less hard on the kids if there wasn't a long drawn out battle. I do not want to be back with her "for the kids". I just love her so much. Everyday life  has now come down to a speed that I can manage if I was with her after realizing the many wrongs I did and the mental aspect of life is now clear. She is still in my heart through all of it. I hope somebody has advice on what to do. My love for her if anything has grown stronger. Thanks.

     

  • No more cheating thankfully! by: banaany 14 years 9 months ago

    My partner has ADHD and I think in order to save my life he would run into a burning building. But...if he sees a nice looking girl at a discotheque, he  wants to hit on her, flirt, dirty dance and eventually kiss...

    He has hit on 4 girls and kissed them. He stopped at the point when tongues were getting involved. 

    The period before that it had been far more worse. He has made literally hundreds attempts to start internet affairs. His succesrate was high I think. Everyday he sextexted, or could have cybersex. Twice a week he had phonesex and webcamsex. He lied about it constantly, it was an addiction. When it all came out, he stopped the virtual and the phone sex. But the flirting remained and he had difficulty ending an internet affair. He secretly contacted her even years after the truth was exposed. When he had broken my trust again he would not comfort me. He left me alone with the hurt. He always promised me to change, but he never really did. 

    Now, I am jealous and suspicious. And it has been an issue still. He doesn't go out at night without me. It stops him from cheating ofcourse but it doesn't fix the root of the problem. He likes the ladies and he tends to get even more impulsive when he drinks. A dangerous combination.

    When I found out about the kissing (4 months ago), I remained stone cold for the first time. I was angry that he was continuing his cheating and lying and that talking with each other, ADHD groupsessions hadn't helped. So I told him something drastic. I would go and cheat with some guy and he agreed even though it hurt him of course. I have been very open about this and told him every detail. He was shocked that I had done such a thing. Totally out of character. And now he has experienced my pain and we both think this was necessary even though it is a very unconventional method. 

    He's now talking to an ADHD coach and he records the conversations. It really helps him. He now has accepted that it is likely that he breaks my trust again and that something has to be done before it is too late. He has a really nice coach, who gives good tips. We listen to the recordings together. During the conversation he doesn't have to put effort in remembering things, that's why he records. It helps me too. It sounds like that he really is willing to do something about the tendency to cheat. Now he knows how much it hurts to be cheated on, he is less likely to do it himself we both think.  I think this will get better!! 

     

    Greetings from Holland

  • Sometimes It Has Got to Be About Me by: Hoping4More 14 years 9 months ago

    I have been posting a lot the last couple of days, it seems, and I must say, I feel like my ADDwife and I (non-ADD) have been making some progress.  Granted, it's in fits and starts, but it's progress nonetheless.  And progress is GOOD!!

    I'm still having problems, though, in figuring out where *I* am in all this.  My wife often says "You are making everything be about the ADD."  To a degree she is probably right.  But I realized this morning (and in reading some of the replies to my recent posts) that my wife is *also* making it all about the ADD, or at least she seems to be making it all about *her*.

    This morning's example might help illustrate what I mean.

    My wife has not slept in our bed for the last three nights.  This isn't because we haven't been getting along.  It seems to be related to her ADD.  But I'm not *entirely* certain of that.

    The first night, we had gone up to bed together.  Then, after some small talk and cuddling, we said "Good night."  My wife was tossing and turning, which was keeping me awake.  So I said "You're having trouble falling asleep, aren't you."  She said yes.  I said, (not in an aggravated tone, but just a simple statement, and I think she took it as such) "You're keeping me awake."  She said "I'm gonna get up and do such and such."

    Now, such and such was a 10 minute task.  And I knew from experience, that if she got up, she'd likely be up all night.  So I said, lightheartedly, "OK.  See you in the morning."  She said "Oh, no.  I'll definitely be back up." 

    The next morning, when she was still on the couch, I greeted her with "Good morning, honey.  Were you able to get any sleep?"  She said she wasn't, and told me a little about how she had tried to get some sleep, but couldn't.  I said "I'm sorry you didn't get any sleep honey."

    That night, when I was ready to go to bed, I said "I'm ready to go to bed honey.  Are you coming?"  She said "Yep."  I said, "OK, I'll see you up there."

    The next morning, when she came to bed 10 minutes before my alarm clock goes off, she said "Oops, I fell asleep on the couch."  I don't think I made any response to that.  But what I *felt* was: I wish she had come upstairs to bed instead of falling asleep on the couch. 

    Last night, when I was ready to go to bed, I said "I'm going up to bed honey.  Are you coming?"  She said "Yep."  I said, "OK, I'll see you upstairs,"  fully expecting her to come up right behind me.  She did not.

    I woke up in the middle of the night and when she wasn't in bed, I started thinking "Hmmm.  I wonder what's going on?  Is she intentionally not coming up to bed?  Probably not . . .  but . . . . did I do something wrong?  I hope not.  I wish she wouldn't stay downstairs all night."

    And then she came up just before my alarm went off.  While I was in the shower, I was thinking, "Does she think I don't care if she's not in bed?  Does she think it doesn't matter to me, and is that making her feel bad?  Probably not, because I have told her on several occasions in the past when she hasn't come to bed that I miss her when she is not in bed.  That I feel 'safe and secure' when I wake up in the night when she is there.  That I sleep better when she is there.  etc.  Still . . . maybe she's in a place where she thinks she doesn't matter to me because I haven't said anything about her NOT being in bed."

    So I asked her "Honey - do you think it doesn't matter to me if you are not in bed?"  She said "no."

    I said "So then you know it bothers me that you haven't been in bed the last three nights, especially since you told me the last two nights that you would be right up?"  She said "yes."

    I wanted to say "Then why haven't you come up to bed???"

    Instead, I said, "When you don't come up to bed for three nights in a row, it's hard for me not to take it personally.  I know you probably don't mean to make me feel bad, but I can't help it, I still do."  I had a hard time getting the words out, because I started crying as I said "it's hard for me not to take it personally."

    I waited . . . . . no answer.  I waited some more . . . . no answer.  I waited a little more  . . . . .  no answer.  So I said "Are you thinking about what to say?"

    She said "I don't know *what* to say."

    I said "Can you tell me what you heard *me* say?"

    She said (after a couple of false starts where I had to stop her and ask her again what she heard me say): "I heard you say that when I didn't come up to bed for three days in a row, especially when I told you I was coming up, it made you feel really bad."  And then she said "I'm sorry."

    Which sounds great, right?  Sounds like she get's it, right?

    The thing is - that's not how if *felt* to me.  She said the words, but what it *felt* like she was really saying was "I hear that something I did made you feel bad and that makes *ME* feel really bad."  or "I hear you saying that you think I am a terrible person for messing up again."  Or something of the sort.  Her body language and her tone made it clear that she was feeling like she had just been reprimanded for doing something bad and that *she* felt guilty/bad for what she had done.

    Now, I have heard on here that is a typical reaction from someone with ADD.  That when we nonADD spouses point out something they did that made us feel bad, that they feel just *awful* that they messed up *again* and disappointed us *again*.  I get that.

    But here's the problem.  What I *needed* was to hear her tell me she understood what *I* was feeling.  Instead, what I got was what *she* was feeling.

    And so, it felt like it became all about *her.*  Which meant it felt like it was NOT about me.  And my whole reason for bringing it up was for her to understand how *I* felt as a result of her actions.  Which is why I entitled this post "Sometimes it's got to be about me."

    This is a frequent dynamic we have.  I try to tell her how I feel.  She hears what she did made *me* feel bad.  She feels *terrible* about that and she feels like a *total failure* as a wife.  And then it becomes all about *her* - without my feelings getting acknowledged or addressed.

    I know she doesn't do this on purpose.  But I need to have *my* feelings validated, and I don't know how to do that.

    In fact, after she said what she said, I followed up with something like "I know the words you just said sounded like you heard what I said.  But it doesn't *feel* to me like you really *heard* it.  It felt more like you were saying 'I heard you say I did something bad.  You are right.  I am sorry for what I did.'  I didn't hear you say 'Wow - that must have felt terrible.  You must have felt sad, or lonely, or neglected, or *something*.'  And so I don't feel like I have any closure." 

    She didn't seem to get that.  She started to get defensive, etc.  So I role played *her* and said  "here is what it sounded like to me when you said those words."  And I proceeded to repeat her words in a very flat monotone.

    I think she got it.  Because she laughed.  But then I started crying again.  And she gave me a hug.

    So the interaction ended OK, sort of.

    But this not being heard is really taking a toll on me.

  • ADHD and sex by: banaany 14 years 9 months ago

     

    Hello everyone! I'm not married to an ADHD person (Chris), but we've
    been together for over 7 years. We love each other so much that we
    intend to marry when I complete my studies. We have come across many
    different problems in our relationship and one of them is sex...Ok, this
    is going to be impossible to explain if I don't dive into details, so it
    can be a little explicit.

    I need fore play and it's difficult for him. I believe he is impatient
    when it comes to sex. He for years has skipped my breasts for example.
    He also tends to forget how I like it. I have to tell him hundreds of
    times, over and over again.

    He is absolutely no selfish lover, but he mainly does things he wants me
    to enjoy instead of what I in reality enjoy.

    Most of the time he is very irritable and clumsy during foreplay, while
    I know he can be a very smooth and good lover. An example is: we are
    lying in bed, relaxed and we are kissing. We are enjoying ourselves and
    suddenly he pulls off my shirt in a very harsh way. This is not
    necessarily bad, but it was very inappropriate at that time.

    Then there's our biggest problem. He is really big down there, and I am
    a small girl and I can get tense down there...Before we have intercourse
    I have to get really aroused and we have a tool that loosens me up. In
    order to do is, he has to perform two things at the same time. Making me
    aroused with his tongue or hand and at the same time managing that tool.
    When he loses his concentration he can do things that don't really work
    on me, or he acts unpredictable. There have been moments when he has
    been hurting me while his thoughts were wondering off. I have to pay
    attention in order to give directions or that he isn't doing something I
    don't like. There fore, I can not relax and the whole purpose of the
    fore play loses it's value.

    When I take control, he shows difficulty with that. It's hard for him to
    'surrender' himself. Sadly, taking pills before sex is impossible because
    it gives him trouble sleeping.

    I have come across an article that explains that it has to do with his
    ADHD. Sadly, there were no real solutions for these problems. Maybe
    there are people who can enlighten us? It now has become impossible to
    have sex, because I start to distrust him in the bedroom.

    Thanks for reading,

    A dutch girl

  • gotta answer this one.... by: dori 14 years 9 months ago

    i'll get into a funk. i'll be all sorts of negative. and not focused on anything positive. there are times i'm in that funk for a week or more.

    SO sits there so patiently.  sometimes it's too much and he reacts in a not so positive manner, but for the most part he is very patient and just tries to refocus me on the positive.

    then i'll snap out of it and he'll get into a funk.... but i'm like "come one, snap out of it!" and after one day of him still being in the funk i get frustrated that my tactics aren't working and i become VERY impatient with him and frustrated during our conversations.

    has anyone else experienced this with their ADDer spouse?

    he asked me, "why is it that when you are in a negative funk, i spend how ever long it takes to get you out of it, but the moment i'm in one you don't want to deal with me and take whatever time it takes to get me out of mine?"


    i honestly don't know the answer to that question.  part of me knows i'm just impatient and that i tend to think it's all about me, totally selfish in that way.  and the other part of me is remorseful and i am not sure how to say sorry and make SO feel as though i truly mean it.

     

  • Help for a Frazzled ADHD Mom by: lillybelle 14 years 9 months ago

    Hello everyone. I am a mom of 2 boys with ADHD. I also struggle with attention issues of my own. I have really had a hard time with consistency and organization - which I know makes things even more difficult for my sons. They need me to be consistent. I just started using an online family management tool called ADHD Nanny. You can do a search for ADHD Nanny and find it online. Has anyone used this program yet? We just started about a month ago and it has really helped me with the day to day schedule and my kids love it. If you haven't tried it yet, you may want to check it out I hope this information helps other families.
    I am also looking for some good tips for social skill development. Any thoughts? My son is starting middle school in the fall and is still having a hard time keeping friends.

  • Dealing with Anger- for the ADHD/ADD spouse by: dori 14 years 9 months ago

    new. hi!

    I've been skimming over the threads.  noticed that most assist the non-ADDer spouse with their anger issues and "dealing" with us ADDers.

    Do you have any suggestions on how us ADDers can deal with the anger and resentment that we have after years of not receiving the support we truly needed from our significant others?

    **background**

    Been with SO for close to 9 years.  The beginning of our relationship, when confronted with an "issue" that was presented to SO out of left field was met with anger, frustration and venomous insults.  Issue after issue, anger-frustration-insults.... would appear.  Belittling. Put downs. Impatience.  Piling and piling.  Year after year the same cycle.  On the brink of divorce numerous amounts of times. 

    SO would bring up what needed to change in "order to calm the beast" in them.  Without meds I sought ways of "changing" and/or improving my life.  Battling with the 'demons' and distractions in my head to perceiver and swim, not sink.  I refused to allow SO to make me feel small and worthless.  However, no matter how hard I tried SO never seemed satisfied.  And I lost the will, the drive to be the positive person I was so well known for being.  I was slumping myself into a deep depression and saw now way out of it.

    Then, Kid A was born.  I felt so alive for the first time in a VERY long time.  And yet more frustration, anger and what I now would call, torment followed.  My end wasn't being met.  I felt as though my every move was being watched.  I felt as though I was being punished for being so happy around Kid A.... and not reciprocating that unconditional love for SO (but I usually thought to myself... how can you love someone that makes you feel so incapable of great things?).  I was failing to be a "detailed" parent.  Failing at seeing SO's point about certain things, such as hygiene and basic cares and necessities for Kid A and for myself.  Failing at being a 'perfect partner'.

    I would mess up financially.  BIG mistake, for two reasons... 1) I made the 'mess', but 2) I wouldn't tell SO for fear of the reaction and when my mistake was revealed it was doubly worse.... b/c SO felt that if I'd just been informative the problem may have been fixed before it had gotten so huge. 

    Over the years to come we battled.  Over the smallest things.  and some pretty major things, and yet we'd constantly ask each other "why are you still here?".  It all boiled down to the love we once had when we first met.  And how we each held onto that love in our own way.

    Kid B born a few years later.... and this time around I was ready! I made sure to be prepared for the kids.  Made myself schedules, totally focused on getting the kids the attention and the time, food, and rest they needed.  But then.... I became so hyper-focused on them and me not screwing this up, that SO felt left out.  And my communication began to wilt, petal by petal... like a rose that had not been watered for weeks. 

    On the brink of madness (and after more 'abusive' outbursts toward one another), I sought counseling for the two of us.  Marriage counseling. Fun!

    We learned personality wise we're opposites.  We learned that I was not comfortable opening up to SO at all! And we learned that I needed to get on medication for my ADD.

    The first day was like heaven.  I felt a ray of sunshine beaming down on me from above.  Someone must have shined that light on me at least 75% of that day, b/c I was elated and felt like I used to feel.... that I concur the world! "Bring it on!" I thought to myself.  And then the anxiety set in.  The expectations that SO would have since I had new found 'clarity'. 

    **background ends**

    I am now a proud, organized, independent, confident, and fully-functioning adult.  I've managed to find ways to make my life easier.  Managed to get my kids organized and under routines.  My house... oh let me just say... it feels good to know that if someone can't find anything they come and ask me and I know just where it is.  I always wanted to be that parent. 

    And yet even though I feel completely successful with my daily life, my marriage has been swept under the rug.  It's been on the back burner.  Too long.  And SO's anger is RAGE.  And my reactions are completely defensive and venomous.  We are NOT proud of what we have done with one another in that we have chosen to be this way toward each other.

    I've been battling in my head all the anger that SO had toward me over the years.  All the circumstances that caused the rage, anger and frustration.  The many times I shouted or thought "I HATE YOU".... the many times I just wanted to be free to be myself. 

    I want to forgive SO.  I have, over these past few months, learned to forgive myself.  And I want to forgive my spouse for all the mean, hurtful things that were said.  For all the ways that SO made me feel small and under appreciated.  But when I meditate and try to bring the love into my heart.... I am still so full of anger toward them.  How do I get rid of all of that anger I have toward that person, after they have forgiven me for so much I've done to them?

    Your thoughts?  Suggestions?  Questions?

     

    "Fact of the matter is, folks, everything is a non-issue until someone decides otherwise.  And that means you can now chill" ~the universe

  • am i in the right place? by: tonywhys 14 years 9 months ago

    ok im going to try this. after reading some of your letters, I would like to say something from the other side of the coin. im not even sure im in the right place, ive never been diagnosed with adhd, but alot of what im reading sounds just like me.

    I love my wife, very much. she is in every way my better half. I cannot imagine life without her. she is patient, understanding, kind.. almost too much. I fairly frequently find myself blowing up at her. well, its not just her, its alot of people. I cant even hold down a job because of what i call "black rages". its like a demon possesses me, and I have NO control over what i say. I guess I and my wife are somewhat luckier than most. I was raised in a household w 3 sisters and no brothers, so it never gets violent, ever. unless I am in a situation where I am physically attacked and i have no alternative ..which seems to happen to me a bit. i get people mad.. and sometimes they want to fight me. i can be very stubborn, inquisitive. there are some triggers, like lack of sleep. .but despite a year of begging and pleading with her and trying to make her understand, she dont get it through her head. I am still amost daily being woken up one way or another without any reason. we just had a baby a month ago. i moved out onto the couch one night cause she insisted on getting a bed to let him sleep close to her, called a cosleeper. whats she do? gets up in the middle of the night and places the hungry baby on his carrier right by my head so she could make him a bottle. and that brought on one of the rages. that kind of stuff happens somewhat frequently. but its not just sleep. sometimes its just a persons attitude.. i can TELL sometimes it might come.. and when i get that "feeling" it almost always does. maybe they sense my negativity towards them. .but if they are jerks ...they are jerks. sometimes i am able to avoid confrontation if its not too personal.. but if it gets personal..I black out. its like a freight train is coming.. and I am powerless to stop it. some of the worst things you can imagine come out of my mouth. sometimes i can stop it if im left alone to think about things..but thats the problem. its impossible to be left alone really.. my wife wont do it. she insists on following me around and pushing things. she will not give me time to think. neither will many other people, and you cant tell a boss, hey your pissing me off, I need some alone time. ive tried it. I'm at the point i have tried leaving my wife multiple times , and we havent been married but 3 months. anyways, when ive had a chance to think things over, i always come down back in a regular mood. from zero to jerk back to zero again in 10 minutes. because I love my wife, I dont want to treat her like that. she in no way deserves the abuse i utter so often. but she wont let me leave. I guess she has a few problems herself.. and honestly she deserves alot better than what ive given her. and at this point in her life.. she just had a very difficult pregnancy and now shes facing brain surgery.. but even her family is not there for her emotionally. so i feel trapped. i cant leave and i dont want to stay. this may amplify it, because i find myself doing it with her more than others. but its been so bad, and so devastating to my life ive tried suicide. twice. once i was so close my heart was at 30% capacity. I took 200 sleeping pills. (over the counter..not as powerful, but very deadly in that amount..if they had found me a bit later i wouldnt be here) I wouldn't try it now. even at my worse, I will not deprive my son of a loving caring father. so its a cycle of peace, unexplained unwanted rage, peace. i think she probably feels like shes walking on eggshells often, though she wont admit it. its like a fight or flight response. a defensive mechanism. an adrenaline overload. and the worst thing is 99% of the time i mean NOTHING LIKE what comes out of my mouth. like i will call her stupid. shes not. at all. shes pretty smart actually. she got a diploma, which is more than I did, and she often can figure things out i cant! so i dont mean it at all.. but feeling trapped in drama or a confrontation i don't want..i utter it to get her away from me. i cant keep the words from coming out of my mouth. ive tried therapy, and meds helped for a bit, seroquel specifically.. but the therapy was doing nothing and thats weeks of 5 day a week intensive group and 1 on 1 stuff. and the drs didnt want to keep giving me meds w/o me in therapy to "see if i really need it". I can spend my life in therapy and watched many come in and go. even got in a confrontation with someone in the group. she was telling a father he was right to hit his son. in the nose. literally, saying he should "knock his ass out" because the guy was angry. i said something to her about not encouraging violence and she flipped on me, put me on the defensive, so i yelled. and sometimes i provoke confrontation unknowingly. apparently my voice rises when im trying to make a point or something, and people say i yell when im not even close to it.. but it sure triggers it. its been witnessed many times... peep think im getting mad at them cause my voice is "raising" but i feel no anger or anything... but i do sense them getting angry at me.. and that triggers it. how can i help raising my voice if i dont know im doing it? so what can i do?

  • Feeling like I can't go on like this by: Sueann 14 years 9 months ago

    I've posted about the problems my husband's ADD has caused me. Regular readers are probably sick of me....

    What do you do when it won't end? How do you find the strength to live an unlivable life? My husband comes home, we eat dinner, he goes to bed. Maybe he spends some time on the computer playing games. We never talk about anything important. Every  time I look at him, I see the guy I feel in love with, but that guy no longer exists. I'm never going to have the income or the quality of life I had when I was single. I have to deal with the problems his ADD causes by myself, he's asleep. All his energy goes to the clients at his job.

    I got a bad personal blow in the last couple of days. A medical procedure I need has a $4500 co-pay. I was turned down for assistance with it, and we owe so much money for his ADD treatment and bills from the 3 years he chose not to work that we'll never have it. (Folks that live outside the US won't understand this.) I probably won't be able to get the kind of job I've been studying for without this. He lost the job that would have paid all of it because of his ADD. I can't even cry about it with him, he's asleep. How can I not be angry as I watch my life crumble around my ears?

    He has the low-energy inattentive type. He as only working part-time when we were dating. He had so much energy, he was so so much fun, he was so supportive. But working full-time, there isn't anything left for me. No help in the household, no companionship. I am more lonely than when I lived alone ( but in a more expensive and smaller house). There isn't any way I can get my alimony, my loom, or my old house back.

    I don't know how to fix this. I suggested counseling, once again, and he is willing, but I'm not sure any kind of counseling can make someone not be sleepy at 9 pm. I just am out of coping mechanisms for this. Like someone else posted, I don't want to be a two-time loser, but it seems like a situation where I just can't win.

    Anyone have any words of advice? I really can't leave, I don't have a permanent job, which was a joint decision so I could finish school. But I don't know how to stay.

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