Hello,

I'm new to saying anything to anyone about what has been going on in my household. I met my partner at work, have been together now for two years.

First I find out that he has lied about his age, but I have not said that I know. I was told he is 7 yrs. younger and now I find out he is 11 yrs. younger. This lie was because on our first date, I told him I would not go out with anyone 8 or more years younger. I'm 56 and he is going to be 45. Has told me his D.L. is incorrect that he never went back to change it. I believed him for a long time. I noticed that he never opens his mail if it's from social security or his attorney. So I opened the SS and that is how I found out about his age. I've not said anything.

Then he said he had a son very late in age and when we met his son was 5, now 7 yrs old. His son one day when we were out and about said, my mommy and daddy are still married. I said, no, they are divorced and I would not go out with your daddy if he was still married to your daddy. He said his aunt told him. Well I know in the the beginning he gave her a check for, as he said child support. Then just this last Jan. he said he was taking her to court for this and that; little things. Well I thought that was odd that he kept his papers and his original divorce papers in his lap top bag at all times. He never left it in the house if he was going somewhere. I looked in his bag when we were on a trip and he was out fishing. Come to find out he was just divorced Jan. 2010 not June 2008. I dare not say anything, I've brought up the divorce date to see if he corrects me and he sticks with the 2008.

We can not talk about anything personal or discuss the future. It's gotten to where I just don't talk much.

I'm thinking that the age difference has to do with our arguing.

I've seen him put his son in the car to take him to his mom and having trouble hooking up the video player, take it and throw it out the backseat on the ground. His son look to me for what should I do. I just put my fingure to my mouth for him to not say anything. He was loud and saying things his son should not hear.

When we argue, his voice gets lower, then if I say to much, it's all about what type of bad person I am and we should not be together. Then he starts yelling. I just shut down and if I don't say anything, he just keeps on. I bought a home and put all the money up for the property. We have a lot set up for his son on the property. I think that he is staying because of his son.

We may have sex once a month or a little longer. I asked why we don't, he said he likes to wait till he really wants to have sex. When we were first together, we had sex more often, then it just stopped. Just all of a sudden. He takes pain pills, says he hurts all over. High dose and 4 or 5 times a day. Drinks his beer from the time he gets off until he goes to bed. So I'm sure this has something to do with our sex life also. Things change and it's all of a sudden, like staying up very late watching TV, then now he's in bed for 10 or 10:30. Never eats supper with his son and I. We eat around 7 - 8PM, he eats at 10 or 10:30PM. Says it makes him sleepy to eat that early.

He's great other than the no sex, not eatting together, no talking about us, fight sometimes too often.

I've been trying to figure out if I need to keep trying or leave. The age difference is worrying me, a lot.

I'd better stop and fix his son something to eat.

Thank you for listening.

In a recent "Marriage Tip" email Melissa sent, she warns "If you are in one of those relationships where eye-rolling and other non-verbal dismissal cues are used, watch out!"  My wife sent me an email after reading it that said - "I think Melissa was directing this at the person with ADD, because if the person without ADD used non-verbal cues, the person with ADD wouldn't even notice it."

I have been thinking.  I definitely use and also read non-verbal cues very well.  I know my wife's ADHD prevents her from noticing non-verbal cues.  So I am trying to be more clear when I communicate with her, saying what I mean explicitly rather than relying on non-verbal cues.

I haven't read anything about whether people with ADHD also have a difficulty using non-verbal cues.  Do they not know they are using them when they do?  For example, my wife will say something in a tone of voice or use an expression that communicates to me displeasure, frustration, annoyance, etc.  Sometimes it will be an eye roll.  Sometimes it will feel like she "barks" her response to me.  Etc.  I have recently started checking my assumptions by asking her about it, saying something like - "Are you annoyed by what I just said?"  She almost always says no. 

So, is she not admitting her feelings or unaware of her feelings?  Or is she really not annoyed but just unintentionally communicating that to me?  Do I need to learn to ignore non-verbal cues from my wife?  Does anyone else have experience with this?

I have read so many posts here over the past couple of days and so many of them could have been written by me that's it's scary and at the same time a big relief just to have a possible answer to these multiple problems.

We have been married for nine years, we have an eight year old daughter and five year old son together, I have a 17 year old son from my first marriage and my husband has a 16 year old son from his first marriage. All children live with us. I'm 35 and my husband is 43.

Over the past 2-3 years my relationship with him as well as his relationship with his son and my son have gone to pot. Last week I had to make him leave the house and stay with his mom because I just couldn't take another minute of it. The problems we are dealing with are for one, anger. He has the worst temper, never physically violent but verbally a nightmare. Anything or nothing can set him off. The name calling is the worst, I think because he knows that it makes me the angriest. Another really bad problem is his impulsive behavior, he's a gambler, loves playing poker, buying lottery tickets and taking risks in general. One other large problem, the one thats driving us to financial disaster is his spending. He can no longer be trusted with his own checking account, I have to be responsible for all bills, he doesn't seem to worry about anything, really lives for the moment. He's been known to steal my card from my wallet and make large cash withdrawals without even telling me, it gets me so upset and when I confront him he tries to turn it around on me by saying I am trying to control him, when I am only trying to spend wisely and make sure we can pay our bills.

I read a post where someone was talking about there husbands driving and I thought, "wow, I really could have written that word for word" it really makes me nervous and has caused many many problems, I don't see what this has to do with adhd but my husband is a terribly wreckless driver. The thing that bothers me most is why he would be so wreckless with me or my children in the car, he's been known to get into altercations with other drivers on the highway, sliding in and out of traffic, coming very close to causing accidents because he has become enraged by another driver, so much so that he fails to realize he has taken other's lives into his own hands with no regard. When I confront him it always turns into an argument, to the point that I try to just not say anything and deal with it to avoid the confrontation.

At home everyone walks on eggshells. He can get very verbally abusive, at times he has called my oldest son an f'ing bastard and other horrible things. My son has learned to ignore most of what he say's and not take it personally but it hurts me so much knowing that I am the one that is putting up with this behavior. He has also been very rude to my parents, to the point they don't like to visit, at one point he actually kicked them out of the house, and they live 600 miles away.

He has a drinking problem that only makes matters worse. He normally tries to hide his drinking but it's obvious when he's drinking. He becomes louder and rambles on, lots of foul language and I can't stand the cussing, I'm certainly no saint. I have fit's of rage myself where I say a lot of things that I don't mean but I didn't use to be this way, which is why I had to make him leave for a while. I don't want to turn into a sour person, I feel like he is making me someone I don't want to be, even though realistically I know that nobody controls you except you. I really feel like I'm losing it. I've become really depressed, staying in bed a lot, very tired all the time and I don't know why. I certainly don't know how to fix this.

Since my husband left I turned to the internet to try and learn what could be wrong with him, he has been seeing a dr, physciatrist, he does realize he has a problem. They put him on cymbalta which doesn't seem to have helped at all. He is normally a very energetic person, he likes to be doing something, he doesn't sit still for long, but since he's been on the cymbalta he has become more tired, sleeping in late. He isn't working right now, he is retired from the marine corps but since getting out in 2007 he hasn't been able to hold down a job for more than six months at a time, he seems to start out great but loses interest quickly. He also has always had a problem with not finishing a project. He has a really bad problem with decided he wants to do something, spending money on it then never doing it at all or when he does start something he never wants to clean up afterwards, he will leave ladders out, packaging something came in, stuff like that. I'm very thorough so maybe that's just me being overly organized but he is not organized at all. His tools can be found all around the house, from the garage to the kitchen and also the laundry room.

Another topic I'd like to touch on is communication. He and I cannot talk about anything, I mean nothing. If there is a bill that's due or an urgent situation it always turns into an argument. All I want is to talk, I believe brain storming can solve problems but he does not feel that way, he want to ignore it until the problem is so far out of control it demands attention or like a car will be repossessed. If I try to bring up anything important, I'm nagging him. I hate being viewed this way, it certainly not the way I ever viewed my marriage would turn out.

I read a little bit about the hyperfocus? and I don't have a complete understanding of what exactly it means but I believe it's happening now. He is very focused on coming home and repairing our marriage, vowing he will change. This conversation has happened a million times over but never once has anything ever changed, they are only getting worse.

I know you all don't know me or my husband but from what you've read do you believe this could be adhd? He is seeing his dr on Tuesday to talk about adhd is there anything I should know before he sees the dr?

I'm glad this site is here, it may very well be the beginning of getting the right kind of help, I hope so.

I don't mean to make him seem all bad, he has his good side too. he is a very caring person underneath all of this and I'd like to get him back to normal if it's at all possible. One can only take so much of this though.

Thanks for any advise. 

Jen

Yesterday I was working on disaster relief for flooding in a nearby city with my ADD husband and a good friend who I'm sure is at least ADD but I believe has AD/HD.  If I remember correctly we had a discussion (he and his wife and I and my husband) about ADD a couple years ago when my husband was diagnosed.

We were laughingly discussing division of labor at home and how when everyone in the house is busy, it is hard to get everything done esp when you have a mate that literally doesn't see things that need to be done right in front of him.

Our friend has been married doubly as long as we have and as a couple they were much harder hit by the recent economic downturn, so when they talk about coping with stresses and things I tend to listen to them.  He said that what he believes is the key to successful marriage is for each person to be willing to take care of everything else as long as you can have your mate with you.  Never fight about who is doing more because if you have the attitude that you'd do it all to have this person, then anything you don't have to do is a gift.

I've been thinking this over for 24 hours now and I think there is a lot of truth in it, though I have to admit my first thought was that doesn't work if you have an ADD person in your marriage.  In theory, if both ppl have that attitude, everything should be golden, but what about the ADD husband who would literally let you do EVERYTHING so that they don't have to??  That is the place of fear I operate from with this type of thinking, but I do not have a husband who would ever really do that, so from where does the attitude come? I think it is the issue of fairness.

Then I thought honestly about our situation at home.  We both work, (me less hours than he does), we both volunteer at least 20 hours a week, and we both are pretty tired during what feels like are the very few hours we are at home.  We both have some assigned jobs at home, and I work diligently at mine while he is hit or miss with his.   Our absolutely most successful times helping eachother at home and getting everything done is when we both have the attitude that the house is my *job* and that he *helps* me with it.

There was a post on another thread about how infuriating this was to another nonADD mate and I feel the same way.  He should not view it as *helping me* take care of OUR home, he should view it as doing his part to keep up our home (which his part is by no means 1/2 nor should it be since I am home more than he is).  Our home is not my job entirely.....that is not fair and that is not what we agreed to when we got married.

HOWEVER, the truth of the matter is when he gets to see it as my *job* and he is *helping*, he helps more.  He doesn't get yelled at for not doing his part when we are taking the view that he has no set part.  When he has set jobs I have to *remind* him and *gently suggest* to him and yes sometimes *nag* him to get him to do.  Eventually it gets done but we are both worn out from the effort!

The other truth of the matter is that I am married to a wonderful guy. He is always good with listening and caring when I am upset, even if he resists hearing what he did to cause it sometimes.  When he isn't feeling overwhelmed and especially when he isn't feeling like I am angry with him, he is good with touch and holding me (which is a very important love language for me).  In reality if I got to have him in my life, doing the things he does natually, and accepting gentle reminders that he is hyperfocusing on something else at times; and I got nothing else out of our marriage at all, I do believe it would be enough for me to still be happy.  At least in part BECAUSE I know he'd never dump all the work on me and just leave me to it, but he loves the IDEA that it isn't his responsibility.

There is a Mars/Venus school of thought along this line too, which is why we ever tried the *home is my responsibility* type action, but we always stop because my resentment level gets so high at the idea that I have to *ask* him for help doing the things that need to be done at home.   And he is free to say NO because it is not his job.  INFURIATING in idea for anyone who believes in any type of equality.  But since the reality works BETTER than each having jobs, wouldn't I do better to suck it up and take the responsibility off him if it is going to free him to be his own generous self?? 

He says he hates having jobs because when he does them it was just one more thing he had to do, but if he is doing it because I asked him, then he feels like my hero and like he is doing something specifically for me.  That is a nice thought, right?  Course I'm not sure when I get to be the hero but quite franky I don't spend a lot of time wishing I could be his hero LOL  He is grateful for things that I do......and he doesn't notice everything that goes into keeping a house, but he comments when he does notice things.  He thinks I am amazing because I can keep 5 balls in the air when he knows he struggles with 1.  And he loves me for taking the extra burden off his shoulders......so I keep asking myself why not go back to that??  It kinda is only a semantics things....I have all the responsiblity but he really helps more so it's actually a better deal for me.  There is just something in the message that he could literally have no responsibility for our home and feel free to dump it on me that I have trouble getting past.

Thoughts??