Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Lost by: JimP0222 14 years 9 months ago

    I posted this on blog maybe someone here can help too.

    Hi my name is jim and i am lost my wife has ADHD so does 2 of my three kids. even though i have a ton of issues with my son this is about my wife. She tells me she is so overwhelmed and feels trapped. and that may be true in fact i believe it is. I am in the navy i am gone a lot i don't do bills because it is hard to pay on deployment and track them. and she says she doe not trust me with them anyway. i am not romantic enough and i don't meet her needs. to best explain my issue here is an email from her to me (Just how I see things from where I am and how close I am to losing my mind.  That's why I think it would be better if we just meet our own needs, and that way, no one is to blame if they don't get met.  I can get my need for touching met by getting manicures and pedicures and massages.  I can meet my need for romance with books and daydreaming and movies.  I can meet my own need to have meaningful conversations so that people will know who I am, with friends. 
    If we haven't figured this out by now, I don't think I'm capable of making it happen.  We'll just do the best we can for as long as we are here.  I'm tired, and I'm at the end of my rope, and I'm tired of not being what people need, and tired of depending on other people to meet my needs.  I just want to be me.  I feel trapped by responsibilities and my to do list and I'm not having fun, anymore.  I'm worn down, and I'm tired of fighting to make things better.  So, no more will I ask you to read anything or look at anything, I'm done with that.  I just have to make it through every day that comes at me, without losing my mind) I do everything i can for her i run to the store for her whenever she needs it. i get off work i cook. i clean are room put away laundry she has me and her mom there to take care of the daily rutines at home. she takes the kids to the doctor and pays the bills on her day off. i can't figuire how someone who has a loving husband that has been there through all of her problems of depression, ADHD, and other things can be looked on as not meeting her needs. no i do not hold hands i am not big on touching. I do not buy many gifts just because. i do things for her like make heer bedroom a place to hide. And now she does not want anything to do with me i am last on her list all she does is dive into her work how do i get us back on track. i am not respected from her or feel i hold anything worth while for her. I need help some please give me an idea. Plus we have no communication at all.

  • Expressing frustration without feeling guilty by: trying2understand 14 years 9 months ago

    I do not have ADHD, but my spouse does. He was diagnosed as an adult and he carries a huge burden with him of poor friend and family relationships - even though he is a smart, sincere, funny guy with a huge heart. I guess I saw these traits from the start and because I can do the organizing in the relationship I just sort of took on those responsibilities because he is very talented in other areas. These "other areas" do make up for what he can't do around the home... but sometimes I still get frustrated.

    Anyway, his playful, extroverted nature is sometimes difficult for me. I am an introverted person who wants to help and understand him, but sometimes I find his inability to pick up on my subtle cues frustrating... so much so that at times I can't contain my frustration and we end up having these huge blow out arguments where nothing productive happens at all. And even though I know that he can't see why I might be frustrated, I sometimes struggle with being a reasonable person - my emotions take over and I lose it. And then I feel guilty for a) being unreasonable and b) not considering what he is going through and the waters he has to navigate. I definetly have my own issues and I am trying to cope with those too...

    I love my husband so much, but there are days when I don't know what's fair for me to feel, and what to do about it. I mean I read about ADHD, I listen to him talk about it, and I WANT to know what is going on, but sometimes I feel like I'm not being heard either and that is hard - especially when day to day expereinces aren't as hard for me as they are for him. And I feel guilty for just writing this post especially when I know that my own outbursts are also to blame.

  • Fighting an Invisible Enemy by: DC 14 years 9 months ago

    My husband and I have been married for 19 years.  But for the last 12 years he has not contributed financially to our family.  He quitted his job and started his own business.  We agreed to this new venture for two years.  The business did not take off.  He tried several other businesses after that.  Nothing really worked.  He seems to have a problem with clutters.  Our place is a two bedroom condo.  The second bedroom has always been used as his "office/storage" cluttered with boxes and stuff.  It is in complete disarray.  I am not allowed to organize anything in this room.  One day I discovered a base board hidden behind the clutters in this room that was crumbled by termites.  I fell apart and felt utterly helpless.  I realized that something is severely broken in our marriage and particularly in my husband.  After scanning through the book "Driven to Distraction" written by Edward M. Hallowell, we came to the conclusion that my husband has ADD.  He has pretty much everything listed in Chapter 7, table II, under the Suggested Diagnostic Criteria for ADD in Adults.  On one hand, I was relieved now that I could put a name to this problem.  On the other hand, I was completely crushed. 

    It is one thing to know what it is.  It is entirely a different issue not knowing how to cope or where to go from here.  It feels like being in a dark room and being hit by some force that I cannot see.  I don't know how to defend from this "monster".  Because I am ill equipped in dealing with this challenge, I resort to being a classic enabler.  I tend to reinforce his irresponsible behaviors and end up resenting myself for giving in and him for having this condition.  I give him a "drunk" instead of a "drink".  But I don't know how to get out of this unhealthy pattern.

    I am a believer in Christ.  I know the Lord is in control of our situation.  There is a reason for everything we are going through.

  • ADHD or just lazy????? I need to vent! by: Jeanine T 14 years 9 months ago

    I am constantly resentful at my husband because he seems just downright lazy!  This evening I went to the grocery store since we have a busy weekend ahead of us and I wanted to get a jump start ....  I arrive back home with a trunk full of groceries, it's dark, there is construction of the curbs in front of our home so there is some ditches and gravel to navigate.  I open the door, no one is around - kids are in bed, husband is in the basement - in his "man cave" - watching TV.  I start bringing in the groceries, expecting that any minute he will walk up the stairs and start helping me .. but no.....  By the time I bring in the last bag I am fuming.

    I drive the car round back and park it in the garage.  I go downstairs - sure enough there he is lying on the couch, in a daze, watching TV.  I question him as to why he didn't come up to help me ...  he stutters .. uhhh..  I didn't ... but then trails off - I am pretty sure he was going to say that he didn't hear me and then decided that was a very lame excuse.  Why didn't you call me he says?  Really?  I have to ask you for help every single time?  You can't take it upon yourself to think -- gee.. my wife is home, after being at work all day she goes to the grocery store, it's dark .. maybe I should help .....  does it cross his mind and he dismisses it because he's just too damned lazy to get off that couch?  Or does he not think about helping .. I can't even begin to understand how a human being can be so self centered.

    Thanks for listening.....

  • Why Does it Take Someone with a Ferrari Brain so Long to Respond? by: Hoping4More 14 years 9 months ago

     

    I am a little confused about something.  I understand that someone with ADHD has a brain like a Ferrari - in that it moves very fast.  I have read that conversationally, someone with ADHD is "way ahead" because their thoughts race and I have read that "they know the end of the story way before the speaker gets there."  And I know from experience that someone with ADHD talks and moves from topic to topic very quickly.  My confusion is - if someone with ADHD thinks so quickly and talks so quickly, why does it take so long to formulate a response?  Is it because switching from listening mode to speaking mode is difficult?  If so, that also helps me understand why it is so hard for my wife to participate in the conversational "give and take" that I prefer, where one person says something, the other responds, the first responds, etc.  As opposed to the monologue style conversation that my wife seems to prefer - where one person talks for a long time, then the other talks for a long time. 

  • ADHD Husband + Anxiety Disorder Wife = Increasing pain and struggle by: Figazie 14 years 9 months ago

    My wife and I are going on 10 years since we first started dating exclusively.  We've been living together for 6 years, and married for nearly four.  Things have deteriorated rapidly in the past year. In the past two months, we've had explosive arguments occasionally ending with, "Leave me already; you're making me miserable!" or "Nothing about you makes me happy anymore!"

    I'm quite certain that much of our problem is directly related to our mental conditions.  Explosive confrontations are not me.  I have patience, and would prefer to let things cool down.

    Six years ago, my wife was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder after suffering severe, debilitating panic attacks.  The panic attacks were nothing new to her life, but the severity of that episode was enough to finally get help.  She also suffers from periodic depression, either as a result of her anxiety, or in conjunction with it.  She was put on medication and went to therapy regularly.

    One year ago, in the midst of my own bout of depression (something that comes and goes periodically) I finally sought help.  I was diagnosed by two independent doctors as having ADHD, which they both feel has a lot to do with my depression.  I have all the symptoms documented on this board, in the books, in the research papers, etc.  I am on my own meds and attend therapy religiously. I cannot go through the second half of my life, as dissatisfied and unfulfilled as I have the first half.

    My wife and I would like to have a child (or children).  So a little less than a year ago, she stopped taking her medicine, while continuing her therapy albeit sparsely.  This made me very uncomfortable.  Her reasoning was that we should hurry up and get her pregnant so she could have a baby, then when it's safe, she could go back on her meds, and we'd all live happily ever after.  My intuition told me this was not a wise approach, but since I'm getting older and would like a child too, I went along with it.

    My wife got pregnant and miscarried, in the middle of the winter; ectopic pregnancy.  Neither one of us really dealt deeply with the disappointment, but moved on, which brings us to today.

    She is no longer on medication and quit her therapy.  She's tightly strung, and I spend my time with her walking on eggshells, trying not to upset her, rather than making her happy (or myself, for that matter).  In the mean time, my progress is slow, but I'm making every effort to change.  It's not easy:  I'm constantly on the defensive; I feel I have no control; even the slightest mistake I make sets off a such a nasty, visceral reaction from her, that it sets me off and we wind up fighting about all kinds of things.

    Having said all of this, and struggling daily to be nice and respectful, I'm beginning to realize that all the things my wife complains about that relate directly to my ADHD, are things she is equally guilty of.  

    I think we both may suffer the same thing.  And while I've always been sympathetic to her anxiety and supportive of her, I don't feel the same level of patience or understanding that I've shown.  It's killing our marriage.  At this point, I'm ready to take action.  The problem is I don't know which action to take:  do I push for couples therapy or do I move out?

    All I know is we're both suffering, and I'm the only one doing anything about it these days.

     

  • Request vs. Demand by: Hoping4More 14 years 9 months ago

    I just posted in a different thread and ended with the following: 

    "I'm not sure why my wife and others seem to think that if I ask it, I am *demanding* it be met *right away* or even *at all.*  That is quite an assumption on her part."

    Would somebody please explain to me why what I think is a "request" to do or not do something, which my wife is then free to consider, and choose as an independent free-thinking adult, whether to do or not, is "heard" as a "demand" to do something immediately?  This seems to be an ongoing miscommunication in our household and the source of much strife!

    Is it that she does not feel like she has a right to say no?

    Is it that she thinks if I request it I must really, really, really want her to do it or I wouldn't request it in the first place?

    Is it something in the way I make the request that makes it sound as if I am going to be upset, angry or whatever if she doesn't do it?

    Is it a combination of all these things?

    I suppose I should just ask her.  But I find that it is hard for me to get an answer from her on something like this.  I think it is just a simple question, and I expect she is likely to read all kinds of things into it and get defensive, etc.

    So I am wondering if anyone has a sense of what might be going on and how I might address it.

    I must admit I am a rather direct person.  First, I am from New York.  Second, I have learned over time to clearly say what I mean, else risk being misunderstood.  And so maybe my directness is interpreted as being demanding?  But I really expect that my wife, and others, always have a perfect right to say no to whatever I ask.  It doesn't mean that if they say no I won't be disappointed, but they definitely have that right.

  • YES YOU CAN LIVE AND BE HAPPY WITH ADD PARTNER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by: jennn41 14 years 9 months ago

    I met my husband online 4 years ago. We fall in love and still are crazy about each other. But we argue alot, because of small things, misunderstandings,difficult comunication( he says my English is not good enough)...I suffered a lot, because I love him.Finally we decided for me to come here to get married and to live together in the US. We were together only 28 days when he visited me in my country.I noticed he was very absent minded, forgeting or loosing his things.Once he mentioned:"I was diagnosed with ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER." , but i did not check on internet then.Now I'm here,married, we continue to argue and few days ago, after a big argument,staining the porch together, me not talking to him, I went outside to check after him (always checkafter him  to switch  lights off, to turn oven off, fan off, lock the door, etc.) I found out his keys close to the utility room. I told him with a blaming tone :"You forgot ur keys ouside !".Then he sayd:" I was diagnosed  with ADD, read about that on internet..." and the same night they called him for work and I sat at the computer and read till midnight. Then I called him and I felt he did not expect me to call after we argued, but he was happy i called. I found ur site and I printed more then 70 pages and was reading eagerly ur articles and what people say and I was crying. FINALLY !!!!!  I  CAN HELP MY HUSBAND AND I CAN SAVE MY MARRIAGE !!!!! I' ve never known ALL MY PROBLEMS AND ARGUMENTS WERE BECAUSE  the ADD thing. Now i'm trying to be more patient with his strange  questions, or obvios questions, or "stupid " questions,strange behavior,forgeting things, first asking :"Where is my wallet, my keys, my sun shades, etc. ?" and then trying to find them, etc.Many, many examples of ADD symptoms , but I  did not know !!!!!  Why I will fight, and try , and not give up on him ? - I love him, and I feel his love too. He never abused me with his behavior or a bad word, or name calling, never !!!!He is THE MOST KIND, PURE, CLEAN, HARDWORKING  MAN  I'VE  EVER KNOWN. HE IS THE SUNSHINE OF MY LIFE(being abused and spanked in my previous marriage) !!!!!THE MOST PRECIOUS TO ME!!!!HE PETITIONED FOR ME WITH THE USCIS TO COME TO BE WITH HIM.He makes me laugh and we do have fun together.He is so pure, like a little boy, so inosent - I did not know.He used to live by himself 30 years and finally  he picked me !!!!Now I cook, do the dishes,the loundry,sew, clean the house,take the trach can out, try to help to organize his desk( made a things to do list,a list with all birthdays of his relatives, a list when and what bills we have to pay , and remind him), open his mail, to be easier for him to check it out,...He bought me a calendar with big empty squares where I can write down each day all appointments and chores we have to do.I want to take part of his burden on my sholders to be easier for him -  he was overwhelmed !!!Soon I will start working too.Do not give up, you can marry and live and be happy with ADD partner!!!!He is a responsible and reliable man(bad habits and addiction he left in the past ). And like a lady said here :" Its so dificult to live with him, but I CAN NOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM !!!!"Good luck ya'll.Ur site helped my,thank you.Jenny D.

  • I suspect that I have ADHD by: Tim 14 years 9 months ago
    and it is making my life difficult to manage. I am hopefully starting a new job next week. Once I find out what insurance I have and which ADD related treatment and diagnosis are covered I am ready to begin getting help. Where do I begin? And what do I do until I can diagnosed and treated? I feel like I have wasted my life until now and it is sometimes difficult to maintain perspective. I first started thinking I am ADD just a few months ago. Since then I have had hope that once I am insured I can get help. Until then it seems like I have nothing. I can't find any support group or people to talk with who can encourage and guide me through my daily life. Where do I begin?
  • Is ADHD a disability? by: Sueann 14 years 10 months ago

    My husband is seeing a new psychiatrist, who may not know anything about ADD. When my husband was describing his ADD symptoms the doctor said "you are disabled" but my husband is working and wants to continue to do so. The doctor took him off anti-depressants, which we think is a mistake. The theory seems to be that the anit-depressants keep the ADD meds from working right. But Wellbutrin is often prescribed for ADD, so we don't understand how that could be keeping the Concerta from working. The doctor seems to be saying that the anti-depressants are the reason why he seems to build up a tolerance to the meds after about 6-9 months, and then it's like he's taking no ADD meds at all.

    My questions for the smart members of this forum: Is ADD a disability? I'm afraid that label will keep my husband from trying to fix things.

    Has anyone heard this theory that anti-depressants make ADD worse? What does he do about it if the doctor is wrong. We have limited funds to keep paying the co-pays.

     

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