My husband has ADHD, and it is affecting our marriage greatly.  I am also almost 9 months pregnant and I must say that this pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster.  I feel so lost right now and I need all the help and advice I can get. 

I just recently found out that my husband has ADHD, and since then, I have researched, and read all I possibly can about it.  I also showed it to my husband, hoping that some miracle will happen.  I know that nothing can be fixed right away, but I at least wanted him to see my point of view.  Its weird how everything other spouses have said I also have said.  I honestly thought that I was the only person that was dealing with something like this. 

We have tried to sit down and talk and create a schedule suitable for him to try and follow each day.  It worked for about 2 weeks and now its falling apart.  I understand that this isn't going to be easy, but he also refuses to get help and thinks that he can cure himself.  I used to yell at him all the time, asking him why he is so lazy, or how could he forget, etc...  But after I read some of the blogs/posts, I started to approach the issues in different ways, one of them was leaving him alone until I have calmed down.  Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.  And sometimes I just feel like things are so unfair.  I am hormonal, pregnant, emotional and overwhelmed all at the same time, and I am still doing almost everything around the house.  I feel like I cannot say anything to him because he will snap out at me or because I feel like I can't because "he has ADHD". 

I just feel so lost and so alone.  Knowing that he is not "hyper focused" on me or is unable to be sympathetic towards my feelings really hurts.  I'm scared of what will happen when the baby arrives, I am just afraid of alot of things. 

My husband likes to play this game on the computer 24/7.  It seems like from the moment he wakes up, from the time he gets off work, he runs straight for the computer.  I used to joke around with him and tell him that the computer was his other wife.  Then I actually felt like I was competing with a computer!!!  This has been an ongoing problem.  I understand why he does it now, so I tried to help him by making a "game time" schedule.  I probably spoiled him a little by giving him massive amount of game time, but he decided on his own that every Tuesday, he would not go on the computer. 

We also had a talk about him not listening to me, and he had mentioned, that I had to be nice about it and convince him that we had made him a schedule and that he would have to stick to it.  So for example, today, is Tuesday, which meant no computer.  So I told him, nicely, that today is Tuesday and that he shouldn't be on.  But he kept going on anyway, and then threw a fit because I told him so.  So after that, I just left him alone and he has been ignoring me since, which is fine.  But inside I am dying.  I really don't know what to do at this point. 

Is there a way to get through this without having to end my marriage????  We are a young couple, mid 20s and about to have our first baby.  It seems all the symptoms listed, he has.  When he doesn't get his way, he throws a fit, and he takes it out on me, and there are times when he just says the meanest things to me.  I feel like I am the crazy one, and I feel so helpless in this situation for the fact that I want to help, but I don't know what I can do to help him anymore.  I don't want to be his mother/maid, I want to be his wife.

This relationship is toxic and unhealthy for me now.  I don't know what to do, but at the same time, I don't want to give up on him.  How can I help him???

I am six months out of a 10 year marriage, and a nearly 12 year relationship, with someone with ADD.  A huge part of my healing has been sorting out what had become of those two eager people who so loved each other 12 years ago. How did they end up living as they did?

My ex is the one with ADD. We used to joke about it but it was no laughing matter.  Like everyone else, we had conflict over household chores and no matter how many plans we came up with to divide tasks, his didn't get done. We finally hired someone to clean our house and that helped a lot.  But that didn't address the daily chores.  I'd come home from work to find a sink full of dishes, or see him come down from his office with days worth of dishes, and pile them on the counter above the dishwasher, and go back upstairs. I'd stand there and be furious because I knew who was going to load those.  Me.  But if I said anything, i was a nag. I wasn't giving him a chance to be an adult.

I got cast as the mother very early on in this relationship, a role I never wanted. I chose not to have kids, so finding myself in a relationship with someone who seemed so childlike was terribly difficult for me.  Stupid stuff. To me, it looked like laziness. He'd do a project, then put everything away except one thing. And that one thing could sit there for years.  Never able to complete things all the way.

I had to take over the bill-paying so that they would get paid. He had creditors calling on and off for years. Once his truck was repossessed out of my driveway (before we were married). I'd never even known someone who had a vehicle repossessed before.  He was chronically in financial trouble. Business deals that were clearly bad investments seemed like the key to riches, and good money would be thrown away and debt racked up. I learned to protect myself from his business deals and kept my money separate and my name off any loans or credit cards with his. I felt guilty for that, because aren't couples supposed to have joint credit cards, or both be on the mortage? I felt like we were failing as a couple because in our case, the credit situation was so uneven. I have a great credit score and his has been absymmal all the time we were together, the direct result of poor decisions made during hyper-focused times.

He pursued me in the beginning, and as Melissa writes, being courted by someone with ADD - being the focus of their hyperfocus - is intoxicating. I was told I was the love of his life. I was it for him.  Over the years I'd hear all the time how amazing I was. How our life just kept getting better and better. How we were the lucky ones.  How he wanted to give me the moon and stars. He bought me lovely gifts. Diamonds. So sincere and loving. I felt very lucky to be loved by him.

Yet there was the everyday stuff of our life, where I was the only one in 7 years to, twice a year (spring and fall), make a pile ouf branches by the road for the town to mulch up. One winter we had a huge ice storm. Dozens of limbs broke and fell. I moved them all, with no help. Not once.  I was the one to shovel the sidewalk and mow the lawn 95% of the time. He never got around to taking a turn, unless somebody was coming to visit, then I'd be hurt that he'd do it for strangers, but not to help us.

14 jobs/careers in 11 years. He'd quit them without telling me. Just announce it and be so excited because he was now going to build this amazing business that would make him rich.  He'd work 12-16 hour days, 7 days a week, then complain that we weren't spending time together - that was my fault, you see, because he'd come downstairs at 11 p.m. on a work night (for me, the one with the job) and want to be together. I'd say no, it was late and I was tired, and I'd hear that I was selfish and he'd be pouty and hurt.

If I asked for help, he wouldn't give it when I needed it. I thought it was a game, that because I asked, he had to make me wait. Now I think it was perhaps just part of the ADD - some idea he had that he'd do it "later".  But later rarely came and I did it myself.

I felt like I did everything, was responsible for everything. I was the stable one. Before me, he'd never been with anyone for more than a year.

We both knew he had ADD, and he  refused medication. He refused to read anything about it. He thought he could manage it, and perhaps in his world, it looked managed. To me, it was just craziness. Chronically late. Doing things for strangers ahead of things for me.

In the 7 years we lived in this house, he never fully unpacked his things. His office was a nightmare of stacked boxes. Bags and bags of paper to recycle "someday". Often he wouldn't open his mail for weeks at a time. When he left, he left behind 10 bags of paper, amongst a truck load of other stuff because he doesn't finish things. He left it for me, just like the dirty dishes...

Five years ago, he painted the office and never removed the blue tape. Only after he was gone did I realize, now that the clutter was out of the way, that he had never done the trim painting either - where you paint with a brush along the wall where it runs up to the ceiling, and at the bottom of the wall where it meets the floor. He just rolled the center and left the rest unpainted. The paint was still in the basement. I had the trim paint done in 20  minutes.  But for him, those kinds of details seemed like it was going to take hours and he just didn't have time for it because he had to work on getting rich.

I was one who bent over backwards. If I knew then what I know now, I hope I'd make a different choice - like to run! But instead, I tried to honor my commitment to our relationship. I did love him. I  tried to accept him for who he was and love him anyway. I let a lot slide. I didn't complain because I'd get anger and defensiveness back from him, and "you don't treat me like an adult" back and I just got tired of it.

I lived a separate life most of the time, while he'd be upstairs in his  office, laser-focussed on the next great business, while our life fell apart around us.  He got a dog and never walked it because that would take time away from his work. 

Yet I found ways to be happy because I am a resilient person. I wonder if there is a "type" that people with ADD are attracted to? Someone who  is stable and can provide an environment for ADD living? Would be curious to know.

With him, there were also periods of terrible depression when the latest job or business didn't work out as he envisioned. Anything had about an 18 month shelf life with him - except for our relationship. It lasted nearly 12 years, and then the depression set in again over the winter. I expected him to quit the job he'd gotten, working from home - the job that was the answer to his prayers so he could work at home in his pajamas with his dog.

Instead, I was told he had tried for five years to get me to care about him and he was done. He moved out within weeks and left the state.

And with him went all the negativity. All the clutter.  All the chaos. Yes, I was heartbroken. I miss many parts of my old life. First thing I noticed coming in from work is that the house was as I left it. No dishes piled in the sink. There isn't laundry sitting in the washing machine from 3 days earlier. The house is clean and I know where everything is.  My household income was cut in half but I am making it on my money.

It has taken months to realize that the story I was told about why he left was just that - a story.  I'd gotten so used to being accused of being a nag, of having to have things my way, of not letting him be an adult, that I had stopped questioning these statements and had fallen into the habit of trying to do better so he wouldn't feel that way.

Now I am finding resources like this site, where I read about my life, and how others have lived with the chaos. How they have suffered as I did. Tried and tried. Coped. Managed. And how pointless that all is if the person with ADD won't take responsibility for their illness.

I am a good and loving person. I have so much to give. I hope to find love again, with someone who is an equal to me, not a problem to try to manage. Now that I am free from the pain of living with someone who does not see the world as I do and never will, I realize how exhausting that truly was.

My heart goes out to those still living under those untenable conditions. Just know that you can be happy again on your own. I   am finding life to be exciting and wonderful. No more chaos and criticism. No more mood swings and magical thinking.  My life  feels like my life again - like how I felt in those happy years before I fell in love with him. I do not regret that love, but I wish I had known then what I was dealing with.  My part in that is that it was embarassing to be living that way. And out of loyalty to him, that I didn't want other people to know how truly scattered and irresponsible he truly was.

Those of you who have found this site and have a partner who wants to work on the relationship, who is willing to take responsibility for his problem, consider it a blessing.  And those of you, like me, who are out of the relationship now, take heart.  Life is good and you will heal. I'm still on my healing journey and I welcome any comments about this post.

Jae

OK, like so many other people I've read my fair share of books, blogs, forums and discussions and what I don't often come across is places where people present an issue or challenge or situation and others suggest real specific strategies to handle, adapt to or overcome the issue.  I'd like this topic to do that.  Let's have people present a situation that has happened or a behavior that they exhibit and  lets have others share some specific strategies or techniques that could create a different, more desirable outcome...sound good?

Here's my first one...

My biggest issue is the quickness with which I tend to turn a debate, discussion or criticism into an argument.  Whether or not this is for stimulation I'm not sure.  What are some ways that I can identify when I am nearing a breaking point, take that important step back and respond and continue into a productive conversation in a loving and caring way with my partner? 

I'll give an example situation:

It was beautiful outside so my girlfriend and I decided to go for a walk one evening at around 11:30 pm.  As we were walking there were several occasions where I was walking ahead of her.  After the third or fourth time that this had happened she stopped what she had been talking about and asked why I can't walk with her.

My reaction: I'm not trying to walk ahead of you, I'm taller and I naturally walk a bit faster so sometimes I can't help it.  

Her reaction: You need to be more aware of how fast you are walking because we are walking together and you walking ahead of me doesn't show me you're interested in doing that.

 From this point on we got in a fight about walking speed, respect, awareness, communication, height and it's relation to walking speed, the ability for taller people to comfortably walk slower than their normal pace, connection, caring and rudeness.  The only thing we didn't argue about was the middle-eastern peace process.

OK. So after the fact I realize that she wasn't angry or upset with me because I have longer legs and I walk faster, she was upset because me walking ahead of her made her feel unimportant.  She felt as if I wasn't making an effort to connect with her and stay aware of where she was and that I thus started walking too fast.  I don't think she was being mean or unreasonable and I understand how she felt.   The fact of the matter was that I was spacing out and not paying attention to where she was and I was walking ahead of her.  I wasn't doing it on purpose but I was still doing it.

This may seem like a silly topic and a argument that shouldn't be an argument and I agree.  How do I work to see her side and feelings in the very beginning?  What can I do each time to make sure I understand what the true issue is?  What systems can I put into place to help me remind myself understand what she is trying to communicate and then realize in the moment that this isn't a personal attack on me?

What are some specific techniques or strategies?  Anyone have any ideas?

I figured you would be the perfect person to ask for advice. I've been married to my ADHD husband for 2 years and dated for 3. He also suffers from depression and anxiety. The years together consisted of a lack of compassion, communication, and self control. I feel like its been a good amount of mental and emotional abuse but he will instead say its normal and that I'm weak...so with that said, I tend to doubt myself and my decisions.

My question is, am I wrong not to have faith in him that he will change? Am I wrong that I want someone to truly love me and be nice to me? I understand I married him knowing he had ADHD BUT what bothers me is that he takes everything out on me. I feel like you can be depressed or angry...even crazy but you don't have to hurt someone you love. He's very disrespectful towards me and its been abusive. I've stuck by his side thru all the craziness. I have a big decision to make on whether I will stay in this marriage but honestly I don't want to waste any more time. I feel like I will never forgive myself for giving him another chance and have him treat me the way he did. I have no kids yet so that's why I feel like I should walk away. This is my second divorce...I'm 32...I tend to give people chances that don't deserve chances. So I sit here, thinking love would conquer all and I could make him a better person. I've learned that all the love and affection I tried to give(that was constantly rejected) won't help him. I'm worried that I will be stigmatized because this is a second marriage. I guess I'm scared of being judged. Also, did I do enough to help him? I would by books and write him emails of things to read on the internet about his condition. I even found his doctor. There is only so much I can do.

It was his idea to move out of the house. He pretty much abandoned me. Initially he wanted to move out because he hated me, hated marriage and I made his life miserable (as an FYI, he was depressed, anxious and angry when I met him...I figured one day he may turn on me like he did with everyone else in his life and my time has come). My husband forgets things easily and is so convinced he used to be happy. So now he moved out but things have changed and now he tells me he moved out to better himself and that he didn't mean all those things. I can't handle the rollercoaster and iI feel like there is only so much I can handle.

I just don't want to make another mistake. I need guidance and I really did love him and do love him. I just don't want someone being mean to me anymore when I deserve love and respect. My problem right now is that when I think about giving him a chance, he snaps on me. He still can't control his anger nor will he let me speak. With that said, he will mimic me and put me down.

I probably answered my own question but advice from others would be helpful. It's tough going thru this alone. Right now I'm confused, sad, weak and I just want to live a happy, healthy life.  He says I'm giving up on him and never loved him but when do I love myself?