I have been on this site many times over the years and felt both hope and despair based upon what I've read. Now after 15 1/2 years of being in a relationship and 10 years of marriage, I truly am ready to throw in the towel. My wife was diagnosed in 2001, based upon an ultimatum that I made. Being in the mental health industry, I knew that she had ADD and her symptoms were so bat that I wasn't willing to spend one more day with her if she didn't go get evaluated. Sure enough, she was diagnosed ADD and has been on several meds since then - but that's about it. She has been to life coaches, several counselors and they all do the same thing, give her tools to help structure her life, but she NEVER uses them. I do admit she's gotten much better with the inappropriate outbursts, now stopping in mid-sentence saying "sorry ADD moment", which is great, but I need more because the blame game and what I see as competitive tit-for-tat is always soon to follow. We constantly sport bicker, which I hate, mostly because of her un-empathetic attitude.  .

Like countless numbers of other Non-ADDer's, my story doesn't vary much. She's worthless around the house, yard, kitchen, grocery shopping, terrible with money and ruining both our credit, secret loans, etc. She doesn't have a romantic bone in her body and intimacy has always been and issue, but when we do have sex, it is amazing, which has been the main reason I stayed after wanting to leave many times. BUT, four months ago she pretty much walked off the job and I was left to support us solely until she starting a new job a few weeks ago. We made an agreement that she would take care of the house and the cooking while she was out of work, but that only happened a few times. Mostly she just sat around being depressed and watching TV. During that time, what little of a flame I still carried for her flickered. Then when we went on our 10th wedding anniversary trip, which I paid for using business points from travel since our budget was now nil, disaster hit. We had received awesome news just a day before leaving. She was notified that she got a new job paying more money. Now we knew we could have a little more financial freedom on our trip and I was ready to celebrate. On the day of our anniversary, which was originally supposed to be a beautiful recommitment ceremony that we had been talking about for the last 10 years, now just a dinner out of town because of her unemploymet, we got into a fight because she acted like it was nothing special other than just a dinner out of town. We semi-made up, me giving up, and then we went to bed without touching each other. The next night, she offered to "take care of me", but didn't want to be pleasured herself, because "I'm too nervous for my job next week."  Are you kidding me, you don't want sex all summer because your depressed, then you don't want it because you're too nervous about GOOD news on our 10th wedding anniversary vacation! The flame went out in that moment and I just can't get it back. That was all that was left good between us. I wish it was more than that at this point in our life together, but the sad truth is that is all I was clinging to.

The other thing is she is passionate about nothing. In the past she had a thing about tech-y items so I spoiled her with everything trying to make her happy. It did for a short while, but now she doesn't even play with her gadgets. Unlike the ADHDer's, my wife doesn't hyper-focus on anything and she has NO hobbies. Not one, unless you include bitching about both the good and bad things at her job. She has one friend that she sees a few times a year, but other than that its just me. I too have lost many friendships over the years due to taking a work from home job, however, I write, paint, workout, hike, bike, work on the house. She literally does nothing unless I nag her about it, which strangely she likes, but I am absolutely tired of.

I gave her another ultimatum today, find an ADD marriage counselor for us today or I'm done, this is follow up to a request to find one three weeks ago after our return from our trip. Now I'm wondering if I should just ask her to move out for awhile so she can be accountable for herself and I can stop the whole parent-child trap I'm in. So many of you have and I can't tell if it helps or it's just the last step before divorce.I do love her so deeply, but I don't want to be miserable the rest of life just to accommodate her and her unwillingness to take her illness seriously.  Please help!

I believe my ADD is escalating rapidly as I get older.  Is this common?

I have had a mild form of ADD since early childhood.  I always day-dreamed a lot in class.  I had trouble following along with what was going on and what was being asked of me. I often was confused by directions or misunderstood the meaning of what was being said.  I was never a very good student.  I couldn't listen *and* take notes.  I was bad at planning long term projects.  The list goes on.

I was highly functional as an adult.  Held steady jobs, was looked to as an expert in my field.  I could read, work, do tedious tasks for hours on end without difficulty or complaint.  I traveled and used to teach. I never thought I had anything like ADD.  Then my first short marriage failed miserably after 3 years.  I blamed her of course.  However I sought counseling and rebuilt myself and my life.  I went back to being a success in other areas of my life.

6 years later (age 36) I started my second marriage to a brilliant young successful woman. I have never been so blessed in my life.  We were very happy together.  We had two lovely children and had what seemed to be the same typical struggles that couples always have when they first have kids.

Around age 44, my wife and I started having a series of arguments that are absolutely typical for an ADD household.  She would insist she told me something, I would insist she never did.  I was starting to forget things and was in denial over it.  Over and over these arguments happened with increasing frequency.  It was driving us both crazy.  I spoke to my Doctor, she said "Eh, these things happen as you get older.  Don't worry about it".  It was destroying my marriage.  I did research.  My wife did as well.  She suggested ADD (my son had been showing signs of ADHD for years at this point).  So I went to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed.  He said my case was very mild, but since it was driving my marriage down the path to a divorce, I should try medication.  It was *great*.  It was like wearing prescription glasses after squinting all the time to see things.  I was able to think clearer, remember things, keep up with her in a conversation.  It was a life saver.  It didn't last.

After a couple weeks, the dose lost effectiveness.  So we went up a notch.  Worked great for 6 weeks.  Then another raise.  Good for a few months, then another raise. Six months later, again etc.I finally topped out around 40mg/day extended release.  I was at that level for about 4-6 months, then I started having sleeping issues and we had to back off.  We have tried other medications, but eventually just returned to the generic Aderall at 30mg/day, plus a couple boosters.

The problems is, even when fully medicated I am still have issues.  Sometimes I forget small things.  Sometimes it's big things.  I will get confused over instructions, misread emails.  It has taken me months of screwing things up to finally admit things are quickly declining.

To recap - until 5 years ago (age 44) things were going along pretty well.  ADD had no significant impact on my life or marriage.  In the last 5 years, I have gotten so bad that even medicated I am making mistakes and forgetting things on a fairly regular basis.  My marriage is in a shambles and even with full time counseling for both of us we are barely holding it together. Is this sort of rapid decline normal, or should I be looking for some other cause for my deteriorating faculties?

I have had zero luck on the internet finding any correlation to aging and ADD getting worse.

Brokk...

Hi All,

I have come here seeking advice from those that have dealt with this scenario. I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. He impressed me with being attentive and going out of his way to make sure I knew that he liked me. He is all ready to move in and bring our two families together. I have been noticing things starting to surface that I see have been mentioned as "issues", such as; telling him about a rough day and him not even acknowledging it. He may as how was your day, I have started saying fine, as the couple times I said awful, I was never asked why or that it even mattered. Not there for me at all emotional. Though he is quick to want me to listen to what is wrong in his world. I am also worried about the sex issue that I have read about, not initiating or seeming be distant. He is constantly telling me things I need to do around the house and is quite blunt about things not taking into consideration how it would be taken. He gets very upset if he feels he is not appreciated for what he may have done any little thing. I know he loves me and really thinks we can make this work, but after reading comments and other articles I am having my doubts. I am sure this would hurt him, however; I was in a relationship once that I had to do it all and I don't want to go there again, don't want to make a hasty decision either.  Advice,,,,please.

Background:  we're both 55, no kids, known each other since high school (platonic back then); been together 4+ years, ages 50-55.  He asked me to marry him in 2010, though he still flirted seriously with other women. (Disrepsectful to me.  This kept up, but at a decreasing rate, for two years.  He finally quit that in 2012, when I enforced my boundaries in a LOT of areas.) 

He has SO many ADHD symptoms, as well as something akin to adult ODD, but refuses to be diagnosed.  He has an addictive past, and (before I re-met him) went through both court-ordered anger management classes, and a residential addiction program.  He's not sober now, some light drinking (1 -2 beers when out - which is nearly every night - he's a semi-pro musician, with a day job as well.)  Quit smoking at my ultimatum in 2012.  I refuse to care for someone later, who kept right on smoking at his age!

We both do professional creative work, me in film and video, him as a musician, and we also both work non-creative day jobs as needed.  (I made him get day work when his music just wasn't paying his share of the bills.  He put up a fight, but now he's glad he has his day work as a handyman.  one of his ADHD symptoms/stims is workaholism.)

So, after letting my fiance' live with me for 4 years (and helped turn his life around from a total mess, legally, financially, health, etc - which he knows and appreciates) while he cleaned up a divorce from an old Vegas/green card marriage ... on Sept 1st he suddenly said "I never wanted to get married." 

So I said, "then you need to move out by Oct 1st, because I did not sign up for a live-in boyfriend."  He called my bluff, but found out on Oct 1st that I was perfectly serious.  I was no longer afraid of his threats to leave me, and I scheduled clearing out our storage unit and moving him out.  He says/jokes that I kicked him out, but then admits he knows "it didn't just come out of nowhere."  Basically, I wanted to make sure I wasn't just being conveniently used for my cool apartment and ersatz "parenting" (which I was trying to avoid doing).

Oct 20th, and he's still here.  He's cleared most of his things out of storage, found a place to share with a newly, badly-divorced friend, and paying me pro-rated rent.   Two weeks ago, when I said I felt like we were "being torn apart," he tearfully said he "didn't want to lose me," "would still be my life partner," and "was so sorry for all of this."  I know he doesn't want to leave, but a part of him also thinks this will be good (?)  He thinks we'll be the same, just living separately.

What I want is CHANGE.  I know he loves me, despite his ADHD, fear of intimacy, drama, etc.  I know I can't change him, but I'm willing to take the risk, and step back, let him truly live on his own again,  Untreated ADHD/ODD style.  ;)  I'm curious as to whether and how this can improve, if at all.

We're getting along great now, but I suspect it's some form of honeymooning, plus his manipulative skills are well-honed:  Before me, I learned that he had quite a string of very needy , very willing enablers who gave him jobs, shelter, cars, clothes, money, and of course sex - then of course he'd leave them, and bounce on to something new.   I made him pay me rent and expenses, do his share of the chores, and help work on my cabin in the desert. 

His M.O. is that: he'll only just do "up to" what is expected / fair/ the least he needs to do.  So I'm practicing asking for what I want, and enforcing my  boundaries, which I see I've been lax at from the beginning, esp regarding his general sarcastic disrespect.

I accept that he'll always be ADHD/possibleODD, plus his other issues (fear of intimacy / very neglected childhood).  It's tricky, but I think to thrive and not just survive in this, I need to have excellent non-ADHD spouse skills, as well as enforce my boundaries in an organic way.

I work in film & video, and do day jobs as needed.  I have lots of creative interests, but I tend to like my own company a lot - I don't just socialize for the sake of socializing... I'm picky ;)     I do plan on adding Underearners Anonymous meetings, possibly CODA, and ADHD spouse meet-up, and dance classes.  I alredy swim, bike, walk, write, video edit, sew, and go to farmers markets.  Also re-habbing a cabin in the desert, which my ex-fiance ' still helps me with.

Does any of this sound familiar?  Open to all feedback, both ADHD and non-ADHD ... especially: how to undo / re-tool / disenage from the "parent/ child" dynamic, as well as avoiding "flooding" him - and rebuilding MY own life, identity, interests!

Tonight may be his first night sleeping over at his divorced friend's place.  I know it will be hard for me, but I really feel he was just "too comfortable" here at my place, with no reason to change.  

PS - his divorce will soon be final - he finally hired a paralegal to wrap it up - at my insistence 4 months ago.

Cheers, and Thanks