My now ex-boyfriend and I had been dating for nearly a year. We met at college. His personality, his looks and his passion for anime and sailing had made me attracted to him. I thought everything was going well in our relationship - he taught me to eat fruit, like cats and we went to some of his family events i.e. his sister's wedding and christening. I lost my virginity to him on Valentine's Day (a week before my 19th birthday). I guess things started to go wrong when we had our induction days at college. I asked him how his went and for half an hour, he talked about another girl who had similar interests to him and how lovely she was. Since then, he was distant - he refused to hold my hand in public unless my hand was in his pockets, he didn't text back some of the time, he never kissed me in public and he became more quiet. Two days before our anniversary, we began to walk towards his mum's work. I tried to get him to open his emotions slightly by reminding him the good times we had. After I gave him his early anniversary present (I made him a scrapbook), he decided to call it all off, claiming that he wasn't ready to commit. I was really hurt and upset. Nearly a week on, I still have strong feelings for him. I have texted him a little, but I tend to not see him in person for a while to give him space. Even though he was the one who broke it all off, I want him back. How?

I'm not sure this belongs here, but the end of this is progress of a sort, and gives me hope (hard to come by right now, but I know it will get better). 

Background: I met a man in the spring of 2013. In October he proposed, and I moved into his home. I knew that he had undiagnosed ADHD. All of the signs were there. I talked to him about it a few times, but he wasn't too interested in doing anything about it. I had no idea, at that time, how bad it was... the unpaid bills, billing for his business not done, all of these grandiose plans, impulsive behaviors, and the LIES. 

We were supposed to get married on September 27th. In later July, he said he didn't want to get married. He said I had "pushed" him into getting engaged. I immediately took off the ring - "fine, we're not engaged". He didn't want any more responsibilities, he had taken care of people for years and just wanted to take care of himself, he said. 

Two days after THAT, he asked me to work on his 2 autistic sons' computer. I discovered that he'd been perusing a dating site since May. When I asked him about it, he lied - he told three different lies before he finally admitted it. I demanded that he make an appointment for both of us to see a therapist together, which he did. 

Of course, he was diagnosed with ADHD. The therapist (whom we knew, as she was involved with the boys) said she thought we'd had a good thing going and should try to salvage it. Things deteriorated further before our next visit; I was beginning to realize I needed to get away from the situation - he was not doing anything to help himself (get a doctor to discuss meds, get a therapist). I was not willing to be dangled from his string while he tried to figure out who he was (there was a bit of midlife crisis in there, too, methinks - he even mentioned the ubiquitous sports car), living in his house and subject to his whims. The therapist thought this was a good thing for me for the time being. She said to him, "You can date again - start with that". 

I moved out in August, 90 miles away - doable, in my thinking. At first we talked on the phone, but I grew weary of his telling me he'd call me and not doing so. I'd expressed to him before that I think that is disrespectful and rude, and that it was unacceptable. He came to my place a couple of times and we had a nice time until I tried to bring up therapy and getting a doctor. He DID make an appointment with an ADHD "coach" and saw her twice. He "forgot" the third appointment, and was shocked to find that insurance does not cover a "coach". Just another ball dropping, I guess. 

Once a week or so I'd ask him if he'd made an appointment yet. When he said, "No, I'm too busy" I tried to point out that this was the ONE THING that he could do to get every facet of his life working better. 

Soon he began to say I was being controlling, it was none of my damned business what he did, I was trying to force medical decisions upon him. No, I really wasn't, but I knew that this was crucial if there was to be any hope of reconciliation. This time I put in writing what I meant - not that he *had* to take medications; that would be between him and his doctor - but he needed to make an appointment with an MD *and* a therapist. He started to hang up on me. 

The lies continued, too - sure, the boys (I really love those boys and was "mom" to them for a year) were seeing their therapists regularly. I checked; they'd not seen them since I had taken them in early August before I moved out. I called him on every lie I caught him in - this has become routine for him, lying to his customers, family, friends to avoid having to face that he just cannot get organized. I know that he can't, not without help, but he simply will not seek the help that he needs. 

It got uglier and uglier until yesterday morning he said, "We are SO over". I asked him, "So you want this to be the end of our relationship?" and he answered, "Yes". 

Now I face my own baggage accumulated during the tumultuous year and a half that we were together. I've learned a lot here that has been very helpful. I'm getting myself into therapy, of course, to help me deal with all of this. It hurts - a LOT - but I could never live with that long-term, so I am thankful that I found out the things I did. I'd asked him about money many times and he'd always said, "We're fine!" - came to find out that everything was going on credit cards and he'd procrastinated so much that he had absolutely no CLUE where he was financially. That scared me a LOT. I knew his deceased wife had taken care of all of their finances, and I see why. One of her relatives told me that he frustrated her to no end with the disorganization in that arena, that she knew he had ADHD, too. 

Anyway, yes, I'm out, I feel relief mixed with grief. I do have some loose ends to tie up which will probably involve seeing him again - pick up my dog from his place and some of my clothing that is still there. I really miss the boys, even though they are more than a handful to deal with and can be verbally and physically violent. I love them, as I said, and it is hard to let go. 

Thanks for reading. If anyone has any words of wisdom to share, I'd appreciate hearing them. 

I decided to make a new topic based on some things I've read here and a common complaint made by the spouses married to (us) with ADHD.  Straight up....the complaint is about how annoying or maybe aggravating it is when your spouse habitually comes to you and says " look, see what I did".  It was brought up recently in another post as: "See the progress I'm making."

I've been in this very situation before in the past and at the time.....hadn't given any thought to exactly "why" I was doing it.  And my experience from the other side was the same as I have heard here on this forum.  I've speculated for myself in a post months ago that it was more of an attempt to "release us" from obligation rather than appearing more child like as "mommy. look what I did."....seeking approval and validation.  That's my take on how it comes across from the responses I've read in refernce to this phenomenon.  I'm calling this a phenomenon simply because it appears to be a common scenario.

I wanted to share a recent case in point and the results of this as my wife and I actually seemed to come to an understanding of it.

Cutting right to the chase.....it has to do with trust and that's exactly what my wife and I concluded.

From this perspective I think it becomes much clearer to understand from both sides of the coin.

I want to say first....it's very likely  this can come from insecurity and a need for validation in part.....but I have long since stopped doing it that way even if I had done this before for that reason.....and yet, here I was having having that "de ja vu feeling" all over again but this time feeling frustrated and somewhat put out. 

I decided to approach my wife on the subject the next time she brought it up ( whcih she did) however........me feeling that I was approaching this on much firmer ground on my part.

Here's what happened. 

No will would argue for a second that one of my big ADHD issues is getting spread out all over the place with my projects and I can't deny this fact.  I'm also not good with cleaning up after myself since projects do take place over time and I do have multiple ones going too.  This will appear as no surprise for someone with ADHD.  AT best, I'm reasonably clean and organized.  At worst, it can look like a bomb went off in the house.  These are undeniable facts.

I'm now focusing hard on this problem area and am a making some big step forward ie: developing new habits and strategies to overcome this problem and I appear to making progress.  My wife will concur and has said so much more often because of it.  I don't need validation.  My reward is my own progress and it's already being confirmed.

So the other day...I'm using a back pack blower to clean and tidy up our deck since I made a huge mess by blowing off the roof and gutters of our house. We have large Douglas fir and cedar trees in close proximity so it piles up really fast.  By doing this......snall amount of debris find it's way under the back door and into a room off the deck.  Small amounts compared to outside but large in relation to anything acceptable indoors.  I've done this recently a few times after which I've followed through with sweeping the floor inside so when my wife comes home from work....it looks the same as when she left.....clean and swept.

But this time ( the day in question)...my wife came home early from work.  I was still outside finishing the deck area.  She immediately went straight for the broom and dust pan and started sweeping an I could tell that she was mad. 

"Problem?" I said. 

"Yes, every time you use that thing this happens." 

"What are talking about?" I replied.

"Two weeks ago you used it and I had to clean up after you too."

I did remembered that day and remembered that I had worked until dark and didn't sweep before she got home.

But here's the part she didn't know about. I've made an extra effort to make sure that whatever I've been doing during the day while she is at work,I've also successfully kept track of time and quit early enough to clean up before she arrived home.  I've done this for nearly six weeks without a complaint (including using the blower and sweeping the floor afterwards several times more) since......she'd had nothing to complain about because the house was exactly the same as it was when she left in the morning.

So on this day, she arrived home 2 hours early unexpected and I was still in the process of working and the results was as I just explained

I'll fast forward to the results but say that I started this situation with becoming angry but stopped myself when I realized something.

I'm the boy who cried wolf and she has no idea how many times I've messed up the house and then cleaned up before she arrived.  There's no proof or evidence that I did anything at all let alone make a mess and then clean it up too.  All she could see was the clean house which proves only that I didn't make a mess....

but yet I did. repeatedly......

and that's why of course,  I started to get angry........

But my past and my ADHD tendencies also gave her good reason to make that assumption based on my past.

The end result was that I explained why I started to get angry or frustrated with her response to me and apologized for starting to go there because I saw that I really am the "boy who cried wolf."  And after we talked this over for a while, we both saw the dilemma in this scenario which from all sides could easily be seen in this one situation.

But whether she realized this or not.....this kind of thing happens from my perspective more often than she realizes and the dilemma is still exactly the same.

How does the boy who cried wolf ever become the boy who doesn't cry wolf once you have that distinction?  the tendency is to point out to your spouse the times you succeed...... to point out the progress you are making because if you don't ( in cases like this one).  Your spouse will never know?

In part....the reason why this happened as it did was because I wasn't saying anything or pointing these things out to her because I already know from experience ( and from this forum) that doing this becomes annoying and makes you look insecure and in need of validation which only perpetuates and exacerbates the problem.

My final conclusion to this is that these negative attributes of ADHD really do erode trust.. but trust is exactly what is needed in order for you to more forward and past the problems.

My success in this was accepting my wife's reaction long enough to stop getting angry and see both sides so I could get us to see the dilemma instead of only seeing it as one persons problem or the others.  That was the first step in regaining trust on my part.

J

I am trying to be proactive and think about what will happen if I truly decide to end things. Dh and I both have our name on the mortgage. I started back to work a month or two ago and can pay the bills, but not anything extra for an apartment. Also, me leaving with the kids would leave him the house that I do not trust him paying for. Therefore, he would screw up my credit. I don't think I can refinance on my own b/c we have too much credit card debt and I don't make enough. If he refuses to leave, is there anything else I can do to make him leave? He does not have a regular job and cannot afford the mortgage without my paycheck. I do not have family nearby that I can stay with.