Hello everyone:

Gosh, after reading so many of these posts I see that I am not alone and it is interesting to see that my husband has almost the exact same issues as everyone here. I have been with this man for 21 years and have two children: one has ADHD and I suspect the other one does too. I have more empathy for the children because they are children but this man is driving me to the brink of insanity. So here I am. I count my husband as my third child which is embarrassing and ridiculous to me. I am a type A, very orderly, neat, person and I live with three people who cannot seem to manage their lives in any way. My personality type is probably the reason this marriage has lasted this long.and honestly I would have ended the marriage the first year except we had our first child by then and I wanted to give it my all for the baby's sake. My story echoes many of your stories here. I met my husband at work and he was charming, funny, cute, compassionate, romantic, and I instantly liked him very much. When I went to his apartment it was messy which surprised me because on dates his car was always neat and clean. This probably should have been my first clue but he was so great I thought no big deal, if this works out I can tidy that up it's ok. I thought once it's clean it will be easy to maintain. (Later he said his car was always cluttered with trash and so much stuff but he wanted to impress me so he cleaned it) and collected all the trash before each of our dates. He was so romantic, wrote me poems, brought me flowers and cards, was very attentive, held my hand, hugged me all the time, he was so great and I couldn't believe I had found someone like this. I first noticed the big change on our wedding day of all things. At the reception he ignored me, went around socializing and dancing with everyone except me. His wedding toast was about something random and had nothing to do with me, our wedding, or us a couple at all. I thought that was very strange and was embarrassed that he talked about something so obscure, so un-romantic, and so bizarre. I'm sure every guest was puzzled as well. I sat at the wedding table alone most of the night wondering what had happened. The honeymoon was mostly more of the same. He paid attention to other people most of the time but it still hadn't sunk in for me. I got pregnant right away but that wasn't planned: my doctor told me that, because of my history,  it would take a year to two years for me to get pregnant so we should not use any contraception because it was not needed and boy was he WRONG. I was surprised but thought ok we are married so let's do this. We were both working full-time and he worked many hours a week. He left early for work and came home late from work. At first when he didn't come home on time I worried that something had happened to him. He was fine and showed up hours late, happy as a clam, because he was socializing with his colleagues. Despite me asking him to call me if he was going to be late, so I didn't worry, he never did and this pattern continued and continues to this day:21 years later. So many parties and social events I have sat alone. Many New Year's Eve parties left me alone at midnight while he was off talking with others. Oblivious to me and what midnight on the New Year entailed. I looked around and all the couples were together and I was usually alone. He never contributed to the household chores, shopping, cleaning, everything was my responsibility even waking him up and keeping him on schedule. It was hard. I mentioned it to his mom who became instantly angry and told me that I was a poor housekeeper and if I couldn't take care of the house then I needed to hire a maid. His mom's husband has ADHD and she does everything for him and seems to enjoy it: of course she didn't work and had a housekeeper and a nanny. I couldn't afford to hire house staff lol I thought it was a ridiculous thing to say but I kept it to myself and kept on doing everything. After a while I became angry and resentful. I made him sit down with me and went over my talking points one by one and he said he was sorry, he didn't realize,and he would start doing his share. I was satisfied. That wasn't so hard. He did not follow through and continued to live his life as a single man while I literally did everything including taking care of the baby except when he was in daycare: I had to work full-time on top of all of this. He said we couldn't afford for me to quit or even to go part-time even though he made close to six figures a year with great benefits. I sucked it up. Over time I sat him down countless times and he always said he would change. He never did. Finally it got to the point where I told him if we didn't go to counseling I was going to file for divorce. He became angry and nasty and refused to go to counseling so I told him I would go by myself and if he didn't want to even try that was on him. He finally agreed to go but he really didn't participate. By this time we had two children and again he did nothing. Even if he was off the next day and I had to work (usually 13 hours a day) he refused to get up with the baby or our other son. If the children were sick it was all me. When he was sick he was an invalid on the couch not being able to lift a finger to help himself. We saw the counselor for almost three years, yes, three years. I learned that all of my problems with the marriage stemmed from this ADD and so my husband went to a doctor and was diagnosed and started medication. He kept saying there was no change but he did start doing 5% of the family responsibilities and I thought well it's a start. He never progressed beyond 5% and many times he went back to being a single male who ignored me except when he wanted sex. His life was his work and his parent, his friends, anything but me and the children. He was absent even when he was home: always watching TV alone, on the computer, sleeping, or "helping" all these people he barely knew with odd jobs and such. The years went by. I became more tired every day, was getting sometimes as little as two hours sleep taking care of the family responsibilities, the two children, and him while working full-time at a brutal job with long hours as many as 16 hour a day with no breaks. He worked 8 hours a day but always stayed after work to socialize.  I left work, picked up the kids, went home to a house that was a mess. My anger, resentment, and exhaustion grew even worse. I told him that we had to move near my parents because I couldn't do all of this and I needed help. He agreed to move. I left within three weeks and he promised he would follow soon. Two years later he was still five hours away, at his same job, in the same house, while I lived with my parents who helped me so much. They taught my children to read and write and played with them and they were wonderful. I was able to sleep and the house was clean and my parents were always there for me with a hot meal when I got off work and the children bathed, read to, and tucked into bed. They knew I worked hard and they were worried about me. Again I threatened divorce and demanded he move and be part of his family. The children had forgotten who he was and didn't know him at all even though he came to visit once or twice a month. Finally, he quit his job and moved and we got a house together. It was the same. I did everything. What things I couldn't do like mow the lawn, fix stuff in the house etc. fell to him but he either never did these things or did half of the job or kept putting me off. He put in some flooring 12 years ago and it still isn't done. So many projects ignored, half done, and he became angry when I reminded him. At this point he is at his worst. He can't remember anything,misses birthdays, even the children's, and all special events. He hasn't given me a gift or flowers or a card in years and years. I do all the holiday shopping for both families, wrap them, ship them, etc. He still works a lot and goes in early and stays late. He changes his work schedule frequently to accommodate his job and his coworkers at a moment's notice which wreaks havoc with my full-time job, child care, and all the responsibilities. When the children are sick he refuses to call out of work to take care of them so I have to call out of work. I almost lost my job over this several times. Lately he has developed strange behaviors like moving the furniture around to make himself more comfortable. Stacking things on top of every surface so stuff falls on the floor and he doesn't see it. Throwing his clothes all over the house. Not noticing the dog needs to go out you know in like 14 hours so the dog goes to the bathroom in the house every time I go to work. He doesn't notice it. The trash overflows he doesn't see it. He leaves drawers open every day. If he takes something out of the refrigerator he leaves the door open. No matter how many times I ask him to fix his ways he gets mad or ignores me and he keeps doing it. The house is not messy anymore it's a nightmare. I am so stressed out. I cannot go to work and then work in the house every waking moment. On the rare occasion he cooks he cooks only for himself and messes up every surface in the kitchen including the floor and leaves it there. Sorry, I know I am writing so much but I think I just need to put this out there to help relieve my stress. So now I haven't slept in two days, my hair is falling out, my blood pressure is up and my doctor wants to put me on meds, I am losing weight, I have headaches every day and backaches too. The worst thing is I have started having anxiety attacks and the anger of course. Such anger. He won't talk to me, ignores the children, and lives his own life coming and going as he pleases without regard to the family. I had to reduce my hours at work because I can't afford childcare and my parents moved far away. Now he tells me I have to go back to work full-time because we can't pay the bills but he refuses to refinance the house or trade in his gas guzzling car which eats up about $600 a month in gas alone.I am in college full-time and working 30 hours a week and still doing everything at home. He is a messy and dirty guest in my home who ignores the family. He has major bouts of anger and he is impatient and obnoxious when he interacts with us. 21 years of this. Today I BLEW UP. He took one of my children out of school, I found out after the fact, and put him in online school saying he was going to take responsibility for the7 hours of school work a day.  Ok so my son is ADHD and is completely irresponsible, immature, and un-disciplined. When I pointed out that this was a very bad idea, he should've discussed it with me first, and I felt it would eventually fall to me and it did. Keep in mind I work 40 hours a week and drive 10 hours a week to and from work, I have four classes in college which I am now failing because he won't help at all. I noticed today that one of my son's teachers sent an email stating my son might be expelled from online school because there were so many things not turned in. I asked hubby about it and he said no they were turned in. No they weren't I just printed out an inch thick stack of work that has to be done. On top of that he was supposed to have an online meeting with the teacher today. I asked him should I do it and he said no he was going to do it. He promptly lay down on the couch and went to sleep a half hour before the meeting. I had to do it. We got in a huge fight in front of the kids because when I showed him all the work that my son was missing he started yelling at me, saying  thats enough, stop talking, etc.I lost it. Started screaming back. He yelled some more for me to shut up and then turned his back on me to go online while I am still yelling. He is extremely rude for the last 8 years or so. After that he went back to sleep and I spent hours on school work with my son and neglected my own college projects. It is likely I will be kicked out of my program in December because I just cannot do all of this for four people and do literally everything. He is still sleeping five hours later. I cry everyday. I don't think I can live with him anymore. The only thing that could save our marriage is if we don't live together because he makes more of a mess than the kids and the dog combined. I do dishes twice a day, pick up soda cans all day long, pick up clothes off the floor, I mean it's like he has a party at the house every day it's so bad. Stuff everywhere. Things spill? They are left there. I once left some spilled cereal on the table with the bowl and all to see how long it would take for him to notice. Four days later I cried as I cleaned it up. I feel like I die a little each day. Now I get chest pains too and I think the stress is going to kill me. So here I sit. Alone, writing this novel of a post as a form of therapy I suppose. Again I apologize I have 21 years of frustration to vent. I looked at rentals today and am starting to plan how to move out. It is hard. I feel I am at the end of my rope and I am now in survival mode. I don't know how he is going to take me telling him that we need to go to counseling again and if he doesn't change I am divorcing him. I am DONE. In any case even if the marriage "survives" I don't want to live with him. He is a surly, rude slob who does nothing to help the family. The yard is a mess because he won't mow the grass.  His car is so full of trash, old food, cigarette butts all over, just crap everywhere. His dashboard is covered in papers and crap about four inches high. You can't put your feet on the floor cause it's covered in trash, papers, wires. He sometimes takes half of the junk from the car and puts them in boxes and stacks them up on the porch and the living room. the couches,every room of the house has boxes overflowing with crap, the  furniture in the house is covered in papers, wires, trash, it's starting to look I we should be on the TV show Hoarders. I am completely desperate and have no one to talk to, no one to help. I can see no hope for this relationship. I am so angry I could spit. I feel like I cannot even broach the subject of moving out, counseling etc. because I know he will yell and then I will scream it's over I want a divorce and I will leave. That will legally make me abandon the house and put me in a worse situation. :""(     Ok sorry I'm exhausted mentally and physically and haven't slept in two days and have to work 14 hours tonight, Saturday, and Sunday. Please forgive me this super long rant. I feel a tiny bit better. By the way what I have written here is the tip of the iceberg....