Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Help please - he says I don't know how to have a conversation. by: primarily_inatt... 10 years 1 week ago

    Hi. 
    My husband and I have had a few fights lately - the same ones we always have and then ignore for a few months. He says I don't listen to him but I really feel like I am listening.

    He says the evidence that I am not listening is that I don't acknowledge what he is saying and just repeat the same things over and over again such as "I don't agree, I think x" or "I don't understand y."
    He says he feels like he is talking to a wall and that I don't even know how to have a proper conversation and he obviously feels really hurt and frustrated but I don't know what to do about it.

    I came up with some theories such as maybe I just can't process what is being said quickly enough or that I often don't realize that casual conversation has suddenly turned into something important until it is too late - but I don't know if those are even the real issue?

    I am hurt too that he thinks I don't listen because to me I am trying very hard to listen. And listening and immediately providing the appropriate feedback are not necessarily the same skill? To me anyway?

    I just really don't know what to do because in the moment I don't even know I am doing anything wrong.
    It isn't until after it turns into a fight that I either think "this is obviously more important to him than me so I should apologize" or "I don't know why this is such a big deal but I still don't agree so I am just going to sleep it off."

    Any advice? Resources? Similar situations?

    Thanks!

  • Pretending to pay attention by: Caboose 10 years 1 week ago

    I'll spare the details and get to the point ... my ADD wife has heard enough times that she doesn't pay attention, doesn't listen, talks over people, etc and she gets that.  However, her strategy now is to "pretend to pay attention."  She'll be watching tv and on the computer and I'll talk to her and she won't look up from her computer or tv (whatever has her attention at that moment) and then when I have finished talking, she'll reply with an inappropriate response or an inappropriate facial expression (in the past she'd simply stay in whatever zone she was in).  When I say, "did you hear me correctly?" she'll repeat what I've said back to me word for word and then try to defend her inappropriate response.  This doesn't happen every time.  Sometimes when I say the "punch line" again, she realizes her first response was inappropriate and then is in the moment with me.  This is happening more and more and it makes me feel lonely.  One reason I feel lonely or insignificant is that I know she would never treat someone else this way, she'd give them her undivided attention.  How do I get around this behavior?  

  • Do They Tell You It's Over? by: EverOptimistic 10 years 1 week ago

    Not sure if this is the right section. I have been in a long distance relationship with  a man with ADHD for almost a year now. Since it is long distance and I would only see him physically once a month or every two months. I didn't really pay too much attention to his flaky behaviors. It was more of a companionship thing for both of us really. We both have some intimacy issues going on and both were working on ourselves after failed marriages. So the set up was perfect. We'd mainly text/email/call most days.

    Anyway, I'd always hoped I guess that eventually, we would work out our personal issues and come together properly. He always said I handled him better than anyone ever has. I am a classic enabler :/ And, he would tell me he loves me many times daily. He'd have a melt down now and then where he was moving to another city. Starting a new job. Going back to Uni. Selling his house. Starting a new job. Always, a new project. I would just keep busy and wait for him to get in touch again during this time. It'd never be for more than a week or so. 

    Recently, I'd noticed he was getting more and more frustrated. Not with me but usually himself or just his life in general. To the point he now has told me that he needs to get away, from all means of communication. At least for a while. Well now, this is a bit different to what I'm used to and made me panic somewhat. Especially since, it's now been two weeks since I've heard anything from him at all and this time I just get a sense that he's gone. When I normally think of him, its like I feel him but now it's like  he's not there. If that makes any sense? I haven't tried to call him. I find it's better to leave him to come to me but inside I worry that this time, he won't be coming back.

    Writing this out now I feel like perhaps there was nothing really ever between us anyway. Except a certain amount of emotional investment on my part. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I guess I just want to know if guys with ADHD (without generalising) just get up and go without defining that it's OVER. Or if I can expect him to contact me again. Or if I should swallow my pride and contact him. Or after reading some of the stories here, I should count my lucky stars that nothing ever really got started. I love him though. Ugh. 

     

  • need advice from the guys with ADD by: Sade88 10 years 1 week ago

    So here is my dilemma.  We have $ problems.  I know what we need to do to get started on the right track.  I go to DH and tell him we got something urgent in the mail and we need to act.  That was Monday morning.  He said we would go over it that afternoon.  Its is Thursday.  Still haven't gone over it yet.  Always happens this way.  And I let things go (which is how we got into the $ mess we are in).  I have been reading and trying everything to help him, me, and our marriage.  In my reading, I come across something a woman wrote that said wives need to support their husbands but not take over because having the woman take over emasculates the husband.  So what now?  I know what we need to do.  Putting it off and waiting on him is going to potentially cause more problems.  But if I try to handle things on my own, I run the risk of upsetting him.  Any advice?

  • In the right place? by: A nonny mouse 10 years 1 week ago

    I don't know if I'm in the right place because I'm not here due to my husband.  I found this forum after months of searching online for tips to deal with the frustration of my ADHD boss.  Of course, I don't deal with a lot of the issues that a spouse of someone with ADHD deals with but honestly, I don't know where else to turn.  For reasons that are too long to explain, my choices are either to start my own competing business or to just keep working with my boss.  We are both attorneys and he owns the very small law firm where I work.  I'm not in a place to start my own business right now, but I don't really know how to process my anger at my boss and continue to work with him.  For the sake of anonymity and clarity, I will call my boss Bob.

    To be very blunt, Bob not only displays extreme impulsivity, distraction, disorganization, and hyperactivity but he is downright abusive.  He will berate employees for not writing the area code for a local number he knows by heart in a phone message and then he will give me a message from "some guy who sounded really happy."  He will then scream at me for not calling clients back any time anyone tries to talk to him about an issue.  Many days, I have to pass along a message from a disgruntled client (because he is somehow never in the office when they call for him) and I feel like I am walking on eggshells.  We constantly get calls from unhappy clients due to his disorganization, poor work product, missed deadlines, etc.  I even get phone calls from judges wondering why he is not in court and I have to tell them that I don't know where he is, even when I suspect that he is probably just at home in bed.  At 10 in the morning.  He actively makes my job more difficult and he refuses to listen to reasonable requests such as please don't take files out of my office (he will lose them or important documents in them) or please get a correct name and/or phone number when you take a phone message.  Or just, you know, don't delete a saved voicemail for me and then tell me that you couldn't understand the person's name or phone number.

    It is pretty clear that Bob has extremely low self-esteem and I can't say that I blame him as he is rarely successful at anything he does.  He fails to finish about 90% of the projects that he has at any one time, he loses most of the cases that he does complete, most of the people who work with him are angry at him for failing to follow through on his promises, and he barely makes any money.  I don't say that to blame him for any of these things as I see them as the inevitable result of his poorly treated ADHD.  He has mentioned starting to take "medication" again recently, but I don't know what he is on or his treatment plan.  To be perfectly honest, I feel like whatever he is on is NOT the right medication for him as his mood and behavior took an absolute nosedive in the last year, though he denies that anything is wrong or different.  His behavior is bizarre and his moods are cycling up and down at the speed of light.  He lies almost constantly about the most unimportant things and I can't think of a single client he is "working" with who he has actually done anything for in the last few months.  He disappears from the office for hours at a time or finds 12 little reasons to leave throughout the day.  He will call everyone to a meeting and get up at least 7 times before he even finishes a single sentence about why he called the meeting.  He has screamed at clients who have confronted him about not doing the work he promised and he makes all of us in the office incredibly uncomfortable and/or distracted on a constant basis.  He literally has entire conversations with himself all day long that are so loud I can't concentrate on my own projects.

    My anger stems from the fact that his ADHD is so extreme and he is not seeking any sort of therapy or ADHD coach, nor is he even receptive to our concern that his medication is actually making things worse.  Even when the other employees and I try to approach him in blameless, supportive ways, he reacts with extreme anger and blames us for every single problem in the office.  He calls us bullies and when I calmly ask him for examples of the ways in which I have bullied him so that I can evaluate my behavior and make changes, he will not ever give me a concrete example.  I am a fairly organized person and I struggle a great deal with inconsistency, so it is very emotionally taxing for me to work for someone who will change policies at the drop of a hat, create extra work for me for no logical reason, refuse to clarify any aspect of the new policy which I don't understand, and then yells at me when I fail to follow the policy perfectly 1 time out of 100.  Meanwhile, he never follows the policy and if you try to bring it up, he will act like he forgot he even made that policy.  Or the conflicting policy that he also expects us to follow simultaneously.   In short, I never know what my work expectations are and I am always in danger that Bob will do something that will severely and negatively impact one of my clients or cases, but I don't feel that I have any way to manage those situations.  I have worked for Bob for over 5 years and I feel like I have had to become an expert in communicating with him while he appears to make no effort to truly change any of his behaviors.  Granted, he reads a lot of self-help books and has "life coaches" but I think he avoids actively seeking help for his ADHD because he feels like doing so would be like admitting he is the problem, instead of the world around him.  He reads these books as though they contain a magic quote or idea that will just somehow change everything for him without having to do any work.  He has also made many statements over the years that he thinks everyone else is crazy and that he is the only one who thinks or does things the "right" way. 

    I just don't know how I can go on feeling so abused and knowing that, financially, I don't really have any other choice.  I am so angry at this point that I honestly don't even know if I can respect the fact that a lot of the disorganization and chaos stems from a legitimate medical issue.  I truly feel like I hate Bob and that he chooses to act like a lazy, dishonest, tornado; wreaking havoc on the lives of everyone around him and not caring.  Most days, I feel like he doesn't even really see me as a person with feelings or needs of my own, but an object to be used and ignored when I am not around.  (Not trying to toot my own horn, but the fact is that I earn the majority of the revenue in our office and I think Bob only keeps me around because he needs me to make sure his paycheck is high enough.)  How can I let go of that anger?  How can I deal with the constant abuse?  Am I right in holding Bob responsible for managing his ADHD or should I just accept that I have to constantly change my behavior to accommodate his whims?  Do I really need to become an ADHD expert on top of staying up-to-date with a complicated area of law?  Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you!

     

  • Is there more I can do? by: Moondust 10 years 1 week ago

    I am new here and to ADHD.  I'm feeling really lost and am losing hope.  My husband was diagnosed with ADHD 2 months ago.  He is seeing a psychologist, who specializes in ADHD, once a week.  Of course I never thought that there would be any big changes happening this soon, but I am incredibly worried about his lack of follow-through.  I would have to say that is the biggest issue for me.  I've learned to live with him not finishing chores around the house, forgetting to pay bills, etc. (I have taken over our finances because of that).  But now it's happening with his treatment, which is a very big deal.  

     

    When we discussed him seeing a psychologist, I told him my #1 concern was him actually going to his appointments and doing what the therapist says.  He assured me that he was going to take things seriously and that he would keep himself accountable by always making the next week's appointment at the end of his session.  I will give him credit for doing that.  He always schedules his next appointment and he always goes to his appointments.  The problem is, he is making no effort to do what the psychologist suggests.  He comes up with flimsy excuses as to why he can't do certain things or he simply will not even try the suggestions.  If I remind him of what he told me the psychologist suggested trying that week or ask if he has tried it, he usually just ignores me.  I make sure to bring it up in a non-threatening way and I do not bring it up more than once that week because I do not want him to feel attacked.  The psychologist has made suggestions such as - keeping a notebook, meditation, using alarms, exercise, etc - and also suggested a couple books to read.  The doc only brings up one or two suggestions a week in order to not overwhelm him.  I bought him a notebook that he has only used twice, both times writing down a short list of groceries I needed him to get.  Usually if I send him out to get a couple things like that, I write the list and give it to him.  So when he grabbed  his notebook and said he'd write it down himself, I was excited and thought that meant he was actually using the notebook to remember things at work and just in life in general.  But that is not the case. He has done the meditation mp3 that the doc sent him twice, both times at my urging.  And that's about it.  I also bought the books for him that he hasn't touched.  

     

    I realize that everyone is different and not all things are going to work equally well for everyone.  But I feel that he should be at least making an attempt at trying what the psychologist suggests to see if it would indeed work for him or not.  I know it is going to be a lot of trial and error to find what best works for him, but he's not willing to even try.  I know that he is going once a week for an hour to see the psychologist, but only doing that is not going to help him.  

     

    The last couple years have been miserable for me.  I finally saw this glimmer of hope for our marriage when he was diagnosed.  Finally we had a name and could do something about it.  I found "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" book online and couldn't put it down.  I was reinvigorated and felt like we weren't the only ones anymore.  I have been spending a lot of time looking inward, taking an honest look at my part in the state of our marriage.  The problem is that as far as I can tell, by his actions and what he tells me, he really doesn't see the point in following through with the therapy and trying what the doc suggests.  I feel that it's unfair that I'm putting a lot of time and effort into saving our relationship and helping him.  All I'm expecting in return is that he tries what the physiologist suggested for that week and then determine if it helped or not.  If it helped, keep doing it.  If not, THEN stop; instead of stopping before you started.  

     

    So my question is - Can I help him follow through with his therapy?  If so, how?  I really need to know if there is anything more I can be doing.  Thank you!

  • So much gear, poor priorities... by: kmar001 10 years 1 week ago

    So my husband (been living together for two years) has a TON of music gear. Guitars, amps, drums, mixers, you name it, he buys it. I have a special room for his gear, so seeing it around the house isn't an issue (although his other messes...different story all together). I love that he loves playing music, and he's a splendid musician... It's just, he spends ALL of his money on it, and complains when our rent is due, cries when he has to pay bills, complains about being broke. All. The. Time. I should never have agreed to marry him until his finances were in order. I'm to my wits end with his bitching about money. It's not like I'm made of money either, but at least my priorities are straight.

    one example of something that I thought was a little selfish... He bought himself a beautiful drum set. Set him back about $2000. For our anniversary two weeks later, he complained HARD about our $75 dinner being too expensive.

    Please help me understand this behavior. It has me in tears.

     

  • How to support? by: redhead1017 10 years 1 week ago

    I can't think of one more thing I can do on my end to support my DH. 

    • He's been out of work for three years. His skills are outdated. He goes to interviews but never gets anything. 
    • He ran for political office and lost. He has zero experience in city matters. He won't volunteer for anything because he thinks he already has a ton of experience

    He's pretty much giving up at this point. Out of 22 years he's been employed for maybe 10-12. He can't keep a job, and pretty much anything he touches he fails at. He went back to school - one school defaulted on him in the middle of a degree, and then he flunked most of his other classes. He's half-heartedly tried to start his own businesses, but can never stay focused enough to do what needs to be done. 

    He has delusions of grandeur constantly that I think are probably a direct result of the failure he is at this point in his life. He's a good dad and helps out around the house, but anything beyond that is just not happening. 

    This morning he was down about the political results. I look at him and feel badly that at 45 he is literally where he was 20 years ago - not one bit of progress. It's hard to know what to say or do anymore because anything I suggest will fall on deaf ears, so why even bother? For example, his latest aspiration is to go and get training as a project manager. Great - so how will you accomplish this? He has no clue, not one bit of motivation or thought on how to see it through. 

    My first inclination is always to do the legwork for him. Always. I started  pulling up information on getting the PMP and then suddenly had a realization that this is pointless. Just like every other idea that I've researched for him, with nothing to show for it. I've spent countless hours researching, pulling up plans, mapping out next steps, trying to support and cheerlead, with nothing to show for it. 

    So at this point I'm going to try something new. Instead of doing all that, I'm going to let him be the one to drive. I can't waste any more time on this. 

    Any other ideas on how I can support him? The situation is honestly quite sad. There's really nothing positive here, other than he does a good job on the laundry and dishes (which are super helpful). 

  • Husband sees no problem with us having 7 cats for the weekend! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 1 week ago

    We currently have 2 adult cats and my husband has been wanting to get a kitten. I am more than happy with 2 cats but finally after months gave into a kitten. Then his mom tells us she's got a bunch of feral cats on their farm and 5 kittens. My husband then tells me we should get 2 kittens to help her out. I VERY reluctantly agree to 2 kittens. She is driving out to Washington from Iowa to bring them to us. We specifically told her TWO kittens and we picked out the ones we wanted. I just found out that she plans on driving out here with all 5 of the kittens because she is giving them extra milk and that way her husband won't have to worry about doing it and this way we can pick the 2 we want and she can take the rest back with her. 

    Am I crazy for asking her to JUST bring the 2 we picked? I do not need 5 kittens in addition to our 2 adult cats roaming around our 1000 square foot house for the weekend! I even told my husband a few days ago "Watch, she will probably bring more than 2 cats" and sure enough! She says not to worry as they will be in a cage the whole time. I don't want them to sit in a cage the whole time either! This woman is a hoarder. I have only been in her house once but there was basically just enough room to get down the hallway and everything else was piled with crap. They apparently have 30 cats (indoor and outdoor) 4 dogs and I have no idea how many chickens and goats. It's one of those places where you are there for 5 mintues and feel the need to take an immediate shower to get the yuck off of you.

    I told my husband I didn't want her bring 5 kittens and he said he'd talk to her. You know how hard he tried? He sent her a text saying "Please just bring the 2 kittens we asked for. Mapper will get stressed out with more than that LOL". Oh yes, please make it so nonchalant! Then a few minutes later he texted her and said "You know what, just bring all of them". Yup. I get home and he goes "Here's the deal. I am asking her to bring all of them so we can see which ones get along with the older cats. I'm sorry to overrule you but I think that's best".

    I am so extremely stressed out right now. 2 adult cats, 5 kittens and a mother in law for the weekend, or who knows, maybe even longer. I think I have every right to be upset. Not only at H, but at MIL for disrespecting what we asked of her. Then H is going to post pictures on Facebook of the kittens in case anyone wants the others. Oh let me guess someone will want one but won't be able to come get it for a week and we'll be stuck with 3, 4 or even 5 of them!

  • If I hear H talk about one more project I am going to explode! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 2 weeks ago

    I am beyond my limit of hearing H say that he really wants to do such and such and then never hear about it again. I heard again and again about this firepit area he wanted to do. Well yes he finally did get around to doing it and we have sat out there a total of 2 times since he completed it back in August.

    He wanted a garden so badly. We tilled an area and planted seeds in the spring but that is about as far as he wanted to take it. He has no interest in harvesting the food or eating it, yet he insisted we put in a fall crop. We planted like 5 different things and only the squash came up but it has been so wet that it is getting moldy because he has no desire to go out and harvest it.

    I hear again and again about how he really wants to put in a koi pond and then put up big posts around the firepit and then attach hammocks. Its ridiculous! The guy cant even go get a pumpkin for Halloween (which he kept saying he really wanted to carve) but he is going to do all this really big stuff.

    The guest bedroom door has been off for 3 months now because the new door we got (that I stained and he insisted be lacquered as well to increase the value of the house if we ever sell it) apparently is just a touch too large to fit and he says it needs to be sanded down. Why it does not fit is beyond me because its a standard 80 inch door. So much for ever getting all the other 6 doors in the house stained and lacquered to match because if one door is going to take 6 months to get up, I dont even want to try the others. So we will have one door TOTALLY different from all the others.

    Still waiting on, what I have heard, is supposedly a very easy outside shed to be built for the garden tools. Well the tools are getting all rusted sitting outside in the rain but he thinks November will be a good month to get that built. Oh yeah I bet. Now that the persistent rain has started I am sure this is a FANTASTIC month to do that!

    The area he decided almost a year ago now that would be fantastic as a butcher block so he tore off the backsplash and says he is going to put lighting up above it. Well we have been this long with a torn off backsplash and just ripped cardboard showing and there is not a hint of a light fixture being thought of.

    We were going to put up a ceiling fan in our room last summer. We bought one and he tried to install it, but it sat too low. He decided instead that it would be good for the kitchen and we would get a different one for the bedroom. Well the original one is still sitting in its box in our bedroom and he has taken to piling some of his clothes on it. If I knew he had no plans of ever putting it up I sure would have liked to take it back and get a refund!

    Oh and this deck he insists on building off the front porch. He said it would be no problem to do that on his own this year. Now he says hell get to that next year. Riiiiiiiiight.

    His friend died a few weeks ago and he just had to have one of his motorcycles but of course since he barely gets by check to check he asked me to buy it for him. Sure why not. I have bought you so many other things you just had to have why not a $2400 bike! I made a fuss about it and he said that it is not just a bike, that it is his friends and it would mean so much to him. Great. One more bike sitting in the garage that probably will not be raced. He had to have this $23,000 race bike 2 1/2 years ago because it would be so bad ass on the track and he promised me that if I got the loan (because he had bad credit) that he would make every single monthly payment on it. I would say that I have paid about 90% of those payments. Oh yeah and it has been raced once in 2 years and other than that has sat in our garage. But it is an awesome bike and he just CANNOT get rid of it!

    Then on Sunday he went down to help one of the kids of this guy who died to get another bike street ready. While there he saw a big generator sitting in the garage and asked what the story was on that. The kid said he could name his price and have it. H said he didnt have the money the but the kid said to just take it and pay for it when he can. So he comes home with this gigantic generator (we already have a smaller one). I assumed it was GIVEN to him but then he says he owes them $1200 for it but look how AWESOME it is! It can run our house if we ever lose power. We have never once lost power. He says he will just paypal the guy $200 a payday until it is paid off. You cannot even give me the needed amount per paycheck for bills (he has been giving me $300 a check when I need at least $500 a check) but you think you can afford an extra $200 a check to pay for this gigantic generator that I am guessing we will never use? Oh but he tells me how can he pass up on such a great deal! He says these would run around $3000. And he keeps bringing up that he is helping out the kids by buying it so they have money. YOU dont have any money but you just HAVE to help these poor kids out? They are not minors or orphans. Four kids and they are between the ages of 26 and 34! Two of them are absolute train wrecks. He acts like he was this guys best friend and he has to be the one to look out for the kids. One of the kids sells anything he can for gambling money!

    Now we are supposedly waiting on his mom to drive from Iowa to Washington this weekend to deliver two kittens to us. I finally gave into one kitten after hearing about it for months but then he decides we need to have 2 to help his mom out because she is getting overrun by these stray cats. We already have 2 cats and I really dont want anymore so giving into 1 was a huge deal. Oh but we HAVE to take 2 to help her out. It is not my fault that this woman is a hoarder. Her house is packed to the gills with stuff. There is trash on her floor. She has like 30 cats apparently (most outdoor) 4 dogs and god knows how many chickens and goats. This woman cannot stop getting things.  They have no money but manage to feed all of these animals and get them fixed. And his mom is just as bad as H in saying she will do something and then never following through with it so it would not surprise me if she does not come. It would be a relief!

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