WOW! Exactly how many things can a person have going on at once. Add, depression and panic disorder is my life on a daily basis. Living as a married adult it has been very, very difficult not just for me but for my wife as well. You see she is an extrovert and is very anal and precise about everything. It has been as hard for me as it has been for her. She doesn't really understand why I feel and do the things I do and it frustrates her to no end. To make matters worse, I work with her every day in her business because our finances dictate that I help her. She reminds me daily of just how much of a screw up I am and how worthless of a husband she married. Which does nothing but reinforce what and how I feel about myself. When I was young I never dealt with anything like this but I started having some of these feelings in high school. Progressively the symptoms have gotten worse over time. The add makes life hard. The depression is overwhelming and the panic disorder is the worse. I don't even know whom I am anymore. I was able to keep these feelings under control when I was single but when I got married they got worse. Don't really know if it's because I married someone with a different personality than me or if it's all my fault. Both my wife are Christians and have faith. Believe me, this is worse than having a major physical illness, in my opinion. I don't have insurance and can't go to the doctor but I feel I need help. If anyone out there can offer any advice I would be ever so grateful. For those of you who are going through similar circumstances, my heart and prayers go out to you. God Bless

I am the non-ADHD partner, a 35 year old male.  My wife is 34, and suffers from not only ADHD, but BPD, OCD, PTSD, and generalized Anxiety.  It's an interesting combination.

We followed the standard formula - meet, have an amazing dating life, amazing sex life, quickly get married, and three months later, wind up pregnant with our first daughter (now 2).

We've since had another daughter, now 11 months.  Most of the issues stem from before the first pregnancy, else I would consider post-partum depression a factor (which it probably still is, if I'm being honest with myself).

I work, and she is able to stay home with the babies.  Due to her PTSD (lost a child at 5 weeks after birth, due to druggy ex-husband's irresponsibility), she has never left our kids with anyone, and goes into panic attacks at the thought of it.  Our oldest slept in our room until she was 14 months, our youngest is in the room now and is 11 months.  We have room in the house (and furniture, etc.) to move the youngest out to her own room.

We have not been intimate in our relationship for the past year - where previously she was a high-libido partner, she maintains absolutely no interest or desire for sex.  

Since she is OCD as well as ADHD, her standards for the house and cleanliness are extremely unforgiving, but it's impossible to expect her to do any of it herself.  Most days, I come home from work to see the girls ignored in a corner, while my wife has dragged out the entire china cabinet, cookbook shelf, jewelry box, craft drawer, girl's closets, and any number of other projects that she has started throughout the day.

She had previously shown massive benefits from medication, but earlier this year had been taken off of all psychostimulants and antidepressants due to a major concussion (fell trying to get something off the refridgerator while standing on a chair - ask your 6'4 husband to get it next time!!!).   When she started taking them again, they've seem to have greatly exacerbated her symptoms rather than relieving.  She's currently on 20/3 Adderol, 0.5/3 Xanax, 80/2 Prozac, and 150 Lamictal.  The Lamictal is new, and I suspect the cause of her more recent manic behaviors.

All of that is just a recent snapshot, though.  Throughout the 3 years we've been married, she's gone into rages, panic attacks, violent outbursts (fortunately I've got 100 pounds on her), the foulest, most loathesome language and accusations, lies, infidelity, and basically anything else most of the posters go through with their ADHD spouses, on top of the massively high expectations and the constant reminders that nothing I do is good enough for her.

I'm just at the end of my rope, and I'm venting.  I feel like I'm the father of 3 children, and the youngest two are the easy ones!  I feel that she puts absolutely nothing into this marriage that I couldn't get from a daycare.  She literally doesn't do anything throughout the day, except find more and more projects to destroy the house with, so that she can go have her "me time" after I get home from a 12 hour work day and have to cook, clean, bathe the kids, put them to bed, do laundry, make sure she's taking her medications, etc. etc. etc. etc.

I have begged her to go to a counselor for her PTSD and Anxiety, but she refuses since she "doesnt' want to revisit it" and "you just don't understand so you have no right to say anything."

I have begged her to see a couples counselor together, so that we can learn to see through each other's eyes - but she refuses, since she "doesn't want anyone knowing about our business."

My family is 500 miles away, I have no friends since we moved to a new city 2 years ago (military retirement), and all I do from 5am until 1am is run, run, run, run, run.   I'm exhausted.

Is there anything left for me?  Am I just enabling her behavior and making things worse by not taking the bait when she picks a fight?  Is there any hope at salvaging this utter trainwreck of a marriage??

See title.

I got myself to a place of some contentment and peace a few weeks back.  Now I am floundering, and I am not really sure why. 

"The problem isn’t that you don’t know what’s going on; it’s that you’ve had trouble sorting it all out."

Kirshenbaum, Mira (1997-07-01). Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (p. 6). Plume. Kindle Edition. 

The book was recommended to me, along with The Dance of Anger.  Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York: Harper & Row.

I am not stupid.  I am not stuck on the fence.  I am not delusional.  I can see clearly.  I just need to make decisions.

I was looking today over all the books I have.  I have spent at least the past 10 years being attracted to books that say things like: Have YOU reached rock bottom?  Are YOU ready to give up?  Are you ready to look deep inside YOURSELF to affect change?  Are you willing to realize what YOU add to the problem in your marriage?

I see my errors.  I see my mistakes.  I see what I have done wrong.  I have worked it.  I have journaled it.  I am thinking I am right back to the place I started.  Of course a marriage takes two.  Of course I need to do things different and better.  

What I need, truthfully, is a vacation from such intense focus.  I put myself under a microscope, I worked my butt  off to change, believing it will be noticed.  What I get in return "You need psychological help."    That is just not acceptable.

And, yes, truthfully, in all honesty, I believe my spouse needs to do some work addressing issues, before we can accomplish things through couple's work.  I am at a different place.  He is at the old place.  I am not better than him.  I have acquired some tools he does not have.  If he wants them, he can get them, too.  IF working on our marriage is truthfully his goal, he will know things are getting better when the tension starts to clear.   And if he is told it is just unclear why I am not responding to him, then maybe it will be clear we are not meant to be together.   

I fullly realized I DO NOT want to live in acceptance of this situation.  (read that question posed tosomeone else in another post by c ur self)

Liz

WOW

Greetings all!

First time on here… in fact, new to realizing I have ADHD.

At 43 years old, I seem at first rather successful in life – good career, winning competitor in several (and strangely unrelated) disciplines, lots of wonderful friends, community/charity involvement, beautiful wife and children, big house etc. 

Sounds great, right?  Well for example…

• My career is pigeonholed because many higher and lateral positions require too much close follow-up, and/or technical detail and/or long forms etc.  Fortunately, on my own, I learned to use calendars, reminders, tasks, a planner etc to keep me on track
• When talking to coworkers, friends, strangers, and my wife, I have no idea what they are saying half the time, and don’t remember half of that if I catch – some random word or phrase can send me daydreaming, or it may just seem too complex.  I could win a spelling bee, but a simple tax form is impossible.
• My wife and I just this May had disillusion papers drawn up.  I have forgotten my children’s track meets and gymnastic events.  She says I am “not plugged in”.  There is no warmth, just venom most of the time.
• On my United Way allocations committee, I ask pointed questions and act like I have it together… although the big budget spreadsheet may as well be in Chinese.

My wife and I finally found a good counselor, who asked me early on if I have ADHD.  My first reaction was that of insulted (“what, MY fault?”), but I replied “Maybe… I tried Strattera years ago and it didn’t work well, so I gave it up.”.  She asked me to read Halloway’s “Driven to Distraction”.  Finally I did (audiobook).   Luckily, I was alone… I cried the first and second time I listened to it..  By the 3rd time, I began to listen to it for comfort.  Somebody else has this confusion, this noise, this disconnectedness, this spacing?  I was replaying my elementary teachers' grade card comments, where I I learned new words: “tends” (to forget), “disheveled” (my desk), and “cadet”.  I got decent grades, which masked the problems.

After reading this, I got absolutely hungry for more knowledge, reading any info I can.  Last night I downloaded Orlov’s “ADHD Effect on Marriage”, and cannot put it away.  Only on Chapter 3, my mind has been blown.  Orlov captured my marriage in many ways, and I cannot wait for the next chapter, and for my wife to read/listen to it.

I finally went and got a diagnosis, and just picked up some Metadate at the pharmacy.  Looking forward to starting to tune medication to optimum type and dose, realizing this likely won’t be the silver bullet

My wife and I talked last night.  She seems hopeful, but is still doubtful and bitter.  She claims to have read up on ADHD already, although some of her statements were eerily similar to those of the unwitting non-ADHD spouses in both books.  We obviously have a long way to go, but we both seems willing to try.  

Just found this Forum last night and looking at it has given me some relief, distant camaraderie, some understanding.

Finally – and admission, a name, a reason, a community, a treatment, and most importantly… a hope.

Thanks for listening!

fightrunjokebrew