Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Hears you but responds with a vocal "NO" by: copingSAH 10 years 1 month ago

    Today, a dog owner left without cleaning up. I asked ADD spouse to take a look out the window and take a look at the dog owner. All of a sudden, he is livid, runs out the wrong door and goes all the way around the wrong side of the property and almost accuses another dog owner (minding their own business). For heavens' sake, I just asked him to take a good look at the dog owner from the safety of our window. He comes in all livid at me, it's not because of the dog poo, it's not because of the careless dog owner, its all because I had the audacity to "control" him. So he did everything else to confuse the whole situation. (Which I remind you, was a very neutral request. I wasn't jumping or screaming)

    Please. Tell me, does it seem like I'm controlling in any way when I just ask someone to take a look out our window? When I'm with anyone else, that person will just go to the window to assess what I'm referring to, size up the owner, size up the situation. And maybe say, "that's a lot of nerve!" (or some such FEELING)
    None of this happened and it went all downhill from there -- I'm accused of being manipulative, mean, controlling, I need to "learn" to shut up, and "we're done" "I don't care what you feel".

    These "NOs" come with not one ounce of feeling for the other person (the spouse and main target).... why is this?? Please, what does everyone do to keep from going completely and utterly insane. It is such WOUNDING behavior, I just don't think I can go on until death do we part. It's worse as we grow old together. 

    I also notice the need to vocally announce "NO" "Never" "it's not going to happen" to even the most extraordinarily simple statements -- things most of the world accept and share openly are vocalized not only by my ADD spouse, but by various children I've come across on the autistic spectrum... it is oppositional, defiant, in both Aspergers and ADHD children. What part of the brain is causing the oppositional defiance??

    I walked away but I feel he needs help to slow down, it's like this huge switch goes on and his brain becomes one huge defiant "NO". He hurts me needlessly, he's hurting himself too.

  • Hi new here and just looking for advice and support by: Sookie 10 years 1 month ago

    Hi everyone, I found this site looking at help with ADHD relationships I have my boyfriend who was diagnosed with ADHD years ago and isn't on any medication. At the start of our relationship it was wonderful he couldn't leave me alone his hyperfocus was me (as I'm sure so many of you have had the same situation) as time has gone on his focus is more on his PC and gaming which is a big passion and YouTube lets plays are a have to do which I completely accept, as it's always been "him". I have researched his condition because I know what can feel like him not caring, saying things that can hurt, not listening etc etc are part of the disorder and I'm very strong willed and love him to death so understanding the condition has helped me get to know how his brain functions. However it's still very difficult not to feel thrown aside and not important anymore, he never asks me to out for a meal or to go out anywhere but does meet his friends a lot more and does things with them, he comes over once a week and stays a night or two and we have a great time and couldn't be happier his energy is wonderful and I feed of that as soon as I'm with him and we work as a team very well. From what I've read and experienced relationships with ADHD are even more difficult and both people need to work at it, the big problem I have major depression to deal with and possibly I'm type two bipolar recently I've suffered a major relapse I'm extremely depressed and had to go on medication and I'm holding on with everything I'm working full time and life at home is difficult so I need a lot of support..... Sometimes I can say how bad I feel and it's like I haven't even said it, he'll go on to whatever has his attention. Like I said I have done a lot of research having my condition has helped me to understand and research all I can, so when he does ignore me etc I don't react with anger or upset I simply let it go but some help on how to approach sensitive subjects like both needing each others support in different ways etc. just some general support would be nice he's barely spoken to me for days only a few texts mainly about what he's doing and I've had a big panic attack tonight to top how I feel.  Thanks everyone 

  • Selective focus - very interesting by: redhead1017 10 years 1 month ago

    My DH has been unemployed for most of our marriage (going on 23 years). He has been "house dad" for the last three years, does most of the meals, cleans up the kitchen, and takes the garbage out. He is supposed to be cleaning out the storages and the bottom half of the house of his stuff, but that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. 

    Currently, he is running for city council. He is well known in our little town because he literally has never met someone he can't talk to (many of you can relate to that!). He has been busy with this for months; spends hours every day going to coffee dates, planning meetings, talking to all his fellow council buddies, etc. It is literally a full-time job, albeit unpaid. 

    Today he just got home from a two hour coffee date with a buddy. He's super excited about all of this and how his campaign is going. 

    He has never, EVER, been this focused on supporting his family. It's hard for me to get excited about this, yet I know he wants my support. 

    I just think it's interesting that he's definitely focused; just depends on what you ask him to focus ON. 

     

  • Being honest without criticising by: hermione 10 years 2 months ago

    Hi all, Have been browsing the forum for a while and have gained a lot of insight from your posts - thanks. I have a question. How can I be honest with my partner about how miserable I feel about our relationship without criticising him? I try to voice issues as "complaints" rather than as "criticisms", as advised in Melissa's book, but he is super-defensive and often just takes them as criticisms anyway! Lately I've been feeling really anxious and depressed. I'm seeing a therapist on my own to try and get on top of those issues, and am experimenting with mindfulness, focusing on myself etc. However, I still feel pretty rotten much off the time and boyfy can tell. So what do I say when he asks what's wrong? If I'm honest and say that I'm depressed about the relationship he usually yells at me or tells me to shut up. So it's often easier to pretend that I'm stressed at work etc... however, clearly this does not get my needs met. Any thoughts?

    We are going for couples counselling with an ADHD  coach soon so hopefully that will help but I'm curious what you all think.

    Thanks.

  • Bets and ADHD by: Hachikomar 10 years 2 months ago

    Hi, 

    I met my husband online. We talked for 6 months on skype before we met face to face. I never suspected him of ADHD. He was acting normal. We got married after 2 months since our face to face meeting cause we were in love. After that I found out he has ADHD, he gas 3 kids with 3 different women, he gambles/bets. Back then I really thought that everybody has the right to be happy so I didn't freak out. It's been 2 years since our marriage and its not good at all.

    he has his moments when he helps me with house duties, he takes the dogs out from time to time, he cooks for me. But lately he is horrible, we fight every day, I yell and sometimes threaten him with divorce, I force him to do things. He is so lazy, and so selfish and I feel he doesnt love me.

    I wanted to divorce him so many times but I really dont want that. I want to help him, I want to make him better.

    recently I started to read about ADHD  and that is how I got here. I am very confident that I can make this marriage work but I need to change first.

    Im afraid to have kids with him, as he already left his other 3 :(

    i am afraid that the process of helping our marriage is gonna be too long and Sometimes I feel like Im wasting my time with him.

    im also afraid that he will not quit the betting. 

    He has good parts and He is a good man. He deserves to be helped, but can I help him?

    Is it real that we can save our marriage?

    right now he is in a different city to relax and think about us... He said, but he actually went there to have the freedom if betting. He said this time apart will help us. He said he might spend 4 weeks there

    He called me today saying that he's coming home. After only 1week. He said he thinks he should be with me not far from me, but I dont believe him. He lies a lot....

    i just wonder if this worths the try to save our marriage. Will I trust him ever? Will I have his kid without worrying that I will have to raise it alone??

    did anybody succeed in this trying?

  • I'm done with the lies and quite possibly him! by: jade21 10 years 2 months ago

    My husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary.  The last three years have been a roller coaster.  I met my husband 14 years ago.  It was very apparent to me from our first date, that he had ADD.  He first lied about having it, but later admitted he was diagnosed in his early teens.  We struggled at times due to his forgetfulness, impulsiveness, lying and lack of empathy.  However, we managed to get through our ups and downs.  The two years before our son were born, were probably our happiest.  I felt he was becoming more attentive and caring.  When our son was born, a lot of things changed.  My husband wasn't able to handle the stress of everyday life and taking care of a child.  He didn't know how to manage his time and more things began to fall on me.  I have always been the caretaker.  Our relationship was very much a parent/child relationship.  I began to resent my husband for not being more supportive.  He resented me for not taking care of him any longer.  I suffered from bad postpartum depression after our son was born.  Partly because I am a perfectionist and I couldn't control my surroundings and pretend to be "superwoman" anymore.  During this time, my husband didn't know what to do, so he didn't do anything.  My resentment for him got worse.  About three years ago, we had a major fight.  I told him I will not continue with our marriage unless we get counseling.  He willingly went to counseling and said he wanted to save our marriage.  In many ways, I have felt counseling has made our marriage worse.  The first counselor we saw was nice, but I felt like we were just chatting, not really getting anywhere.  She didn't believe a lot of things I said about my husband's lying and gas lighting behaviors.  I was told he doesn't remember, it's his ADD.  Finally he admitted he was manipulating me and she was shocked.  Following that, I decided it was best that I move on to another more qualified counselor.  My husband decided he need to see a male counselor, because women don't understand "male" issues.  One of those issues, being his porn addiction.  During this transition, my husband suffered a tragedy at work.  A young male jumped in front of the train he was driving and committed suicide.  My husband began to suffer symptoms of PTSD, but wouldn't admit to them.  He began to blame all of his depression and anger on our marital problems.  His counselor was also no help.  My husband began to drink heavily and started to have suicidal ideations.  His counselor ignored my pleas to get him more help and felt he was fine.  At one point he even told me, "maybe your husband is just the kind of person who likes to drive drunk."  My husband finally took my advice and participated in a two week intensive outpatient counseling program.  During this time, he became very angry and distant.  He began to drink even more.  I confronted him about it and he attacked me.  At that point, I told him to get the hell out of our house and I'm not going to be a battered woman.  Following this, we separated.  He moved in with his mother and I stayed in our house.  I had been holding it all together until this point.  I started to become severely depressed.  My husband worked on his issues and went off his Adderral.  His ADD worsened.  However, his anger and depression improved.  I felt I would much rather have a forgetful husband than an a$$hole. My depression continued to worsen.  I felt my husband wasn't there for me despite all that I had done for him.  I continued to deal with his lies.  He would lie about watching porn.  He would also lie about smoking, something he knows I hate because many of my relatives have died of cancer.  He promised he would give up smoking.  However, an end never looked like it was coming.  Then he started chewing too.  Finally one day I had it and threw out all of his cigarettes/chew.  He appeared to have given up his smoking and porn.  He was becoming more attentive to my needs.  However, all the trust I had in him had been erroded long before.  I was finally at the point that I was starting to trust him again.  My severe depression was improving.  It's been two months since we've been intimate.  Earlier this week, was the first time I had thought about being with him again.  Then last night, a find a receipt for chew in his pocket.  I confronted him and asked him if there was anything he had wanted to tell me.  He said no.  Finally after telling him I knew he was lying again, he finally admitted he's been smoking again for the last three weeks.  I had suspected as much, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I'm at wits end with the lying.  It never ends!  I'm honestly starting to feel like he could come or go and I wouldn't care.  I don't know how much of those feelings are my true feelings or if it is because of the antidepressant I am on.  Since I started on my antidepressant, I don't care about anything.  I've cut other family out of my life recently, because I just don't care.  I don't feel like I can talk to my counselor anymore about my feelings with my husband.  I feel she is just trying to railroad me into divorce.  I don't talk to my friends anymore about him, because after three years of chaos I know they're tired of hearing about it.  I would be too.  I've seen drastic improvements with my husband, so I can't say things haven't changed.  However, it's the lies I can't deal with.  I feel like I've been to hell and back these last three years.  I just don't know how much more I can handle.  I honestly feel like I have PTSD.  I become very anxious when I hear anyone arguing and avoid conflict at all costs.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I just want peace.

  • Dilemma on setting boundaries! by: Raven64 10 years 2 months ago

    Hello all…I have been lurking here for sometime and just want to say a BIG thank you to you all. Having  access to a site like this has been very helpful in my quest to understand ADD.

    I have a question about setting boundaries, I’m hoping you can help me with, but first some background details.

    My partner is going thru the process of diagnosis, which is difficult because of our current location (more about that later). We have been together for 8 years, the first year and a half we lived in different towns and only saw each other infrequently, then we started living together and it didn’t take long to figure out something was not quite right. Sure he was a bit forgetful, disorganised etc  but that didn’t really bother me as he has many good qualities too. What really bugged me was the issue of communication, don’t get me wrong he has no trouble in talking, in fact we gave him the nickname of “Mr have a chat” because no matter where we went he would always strike up a conversation with anybody! But I noticed between us, his conversation was always on the lighthearted  or everyday subjects, never anything deep and meaningful or intimate unless I started it, he very rarely asked any questions, and sometimes seemed disinterested when I’m talking to him, which given his overall behaviour seemed out of character. Of course I talked to him about it and was given the classic “ I will have to try harder” speech, and he did, but it only lasted for so long. That set the pattern for the next few years, then we moved to a remote location, where the nearest neighbour was 40km’s away, so it was just us…. 24/7…..I thought it would be great, working together, having to rely on each other, all the things we said we wanted, peace and quiet, grow our own veggies, have time to spend on our hobbies (well my hobbies, he doesn’t have any).....it would bring us closer together….RIGHT???

    I can see some of you chuckling or shaking your heads J Of course what it really did was dramatically show  the ADD traits in all their glory…..the chronic forgetfulness, simple conversations have become a nightmare with the mishearing and misunderstanding, having to repeat myself to the point where I just want to scream in frustration, the avoidance and denial…I could go on but you all know the score! There was also a couple of bout’s of depression to contend with, and all the time I was trying to figure out (singlehandedly) what the problem was, until eventually I was exhausted said “you need to get some help or I’m outta here”. The night I delivered that ultimatum, I went online, found this site, spent the next few hour’s reading and going wow, yep, uh huh that’s him to a tee!

    I’ve purchased a couple of books, just finished Gina Pera’s, Is it you, me or Adult ADD, learnt about enabling, so I’m conscious of that now, and he is seeing a therapist, but unfortunately she is 650km’s away, so that’s only every 8 weeks.

    My question is this…how do you set boundaries when the main problem is communication and in particular for me the lack of intimate conversation, and I’m not talking sexual, I’m talking about the personal private type of conversations that couples have about everything and anything, so as the years pass you KNOW each other and thru that have formed a deep connection. But even our normal conversations are lacking, since we have been living up here, I will say something about  an interesting article I read on facebook for example, and he will respond with “oh rightyho” or something similar, doesn’t ask any questions to keep the conversation going or lead on with another topic that it may have reminded him of.

    In regards to communication about ADD, I have suggested that since he can only see a therapist infrequently , we need to talk about it regularly, he needs to let me know what he is thinking, feeling when an ADD related issue arises, I suggested reading an article every morning,  written by someone on this site who has ADD and lists what ADDer’s need to do, including over communicating with their spouses, I’ve suggested discussing the ADD books or articles on theis website,  I suggest writing lists, reminder’s  etc and he agree’s with everything I’ve said…and none of it happens or happens once and is forgotten again and I’m done nagging, reminding and hoping!

    Anyway…thanks for listening, hoping you might have some idea’s.

     

  • What about the lack of intimacy? by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 2 months ago

    The mess, no problem. I understand that I'm the one that wants things relatively picked up. So I'll do it for me, knowing it's for me.

    The bills, under control. I like taking care of our finances and since I took them over we haven't been overdrawn.

    Cooking, I like to cook. I don't mind doing the dishes either, especially when everything turned out well.

    You work all the time, well ok. I have things I can do on my own. Your work needs you too. You're doing something important that makes a difference in people's lives.

    Your iDevices, yes, you need social time. I understand (though I'm not sure you do) that this is how you maintain your social life. I can deal with the top of your head when I'm trying to talk to you.

    But...the intimacy. Well, look dear, this is what you call a "monogamous lifelong relationship". Otherwise we're just friends and you're kind of a crappy room mate.

    What I cannot stand in our relationship, and it's been my sticking point since we got married, is the lack of time and attention to making our sexual relationship good. You're a lust-sucker. You don't seem to have any drive on your own and admittedly have no thoughts, fantasies or desires for anything in particular. I pursue you and if we manage to make it in to bed instead of being creative and thoughtful you flounder around and ask me what turns me on. This is great right? My lover is communicating with me! Except it's the same thing every time. Why, after 20 years together do I have to repeatedly tell you the same things? Why do you have to feed off of my excitement rather than bringing anything with you? I feel forced by my body to have sex with you and I'm increasingly regretting it every time we do. You have no idea that I feel sad and resentful after sex do you. It's not because we haven't talked about it, it's because you've forgotten everything we've talked about, ever.

    I feel like a whinny baby saying this here. I've read other posts and feel like my situation just isn't as bad as what others have to deal with. Still, after a long enough period of time, of being denied, put off, delayed, held back, it's getting to me, badly. Despite all her good qualities it's like this one sticks in my mind. I can't shake being forgotten and ignored when it comes to bedroom stuff. It's affected me in a bad way. I think I'm starting to fetish-ize the whole situation as a way to deal with the pain of it. It's not good. There is no good answer in all of this. None. Six years, two counselors and a couple ADHD prescriptions for you and it's all my problem to deal with. I'm being needy. I'm the unhappy one. There's something wrong with me.

    There IS something wrong, you're not loving me the way I need to be loved in this relationship. If you can't bring yourself to do it maybe I should find someone that will.

    Ok...I feel a little better. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

  • The Question of Trust by: kalexandria 10 years 2 months ago

    It is clear to me that we love our ADHD partners.  Although, I see alarming similarities between us and the addict-co-dependant relationship.  We keep trying to get them to feel something that we think they should be feeling or do something we think they should be doing or to stop doing something (like hyper focusing on other women) we don't want them to do.  They have no idea how much we love them and they think we're just miserable people, as opposed to people who are trying to improve our relationships.  My question to all of you is this;

    while we may love them with all of our heart, will we ever be able to completely trust them?  

    It's something I personally am not sure of and would like to hear what others have to say. 

    Thanks!

     

  • Husband refuses to go for diagnosis - my story by: paradigmshift 10 years 2 months ago

    Didn't know where to put this, but this topic seems to fit the bill. As I share my introduction I will try not to sing to the choir, but I'm sure that I will.

    About two years ago it hit me that my husband could possibly have ADHD. After just a bit of article and forum reading I realized that this is indeed a possibility. We seem to be a textbook case of ADHD/non-ADHD couples. His behavior ticks every general ADHD box and in the reading it was like reading my own life experiences over and over again. Now, two years later I am more convinced of this than ever. The problem is that he refuses to get a diagnosis and now, even address the matter.

    Background on myself is that I have my own set of issues. Recently I have become aware that I suffer from anxiety disorder, OCD and possibly PSTD due to my upbringing by alcoholic parents suffering from borderline disorder (queen/witch variety). I am not a psychologist or any type of medical professional and have come to these conclusions based upon the research that mirrors my situation exactly. Neither child (21 and 15) seem to suffer from anything my husband and I do. I have always homeschooled them, so I see daily their attention and focus capabilities with school subjects.

    When we met (him age 22/me 23) he pursued me vigorously. He was fun, sweet and very charming. No signs of what was to come. Of course I fell for him because he is incredibly interesting and I needed the attention. I had a full and adventurous life, but longed to share my travel and adventure with someone and had just split with my fiancee and moved back to the States. Within a month we were living together and after 3 mos he proposed, to which I said, "no, it is too quick". Well, after another month of his hounding I said yes and not a month after that he wanted to try for a baby. Again I said no, but after another couple of months we tried and got pregnant. A dumb thing as we were financially unstable. This set off years of him making crazy decisions about our lives on a whim. Finally, after our second son was born 6 years later I left him. I couldn't take his erratic behavior and his constant serial cheating any longer. I moved to a different city with the kids and he moved next door. He again hounded me, but I saw it as him in love of course. After all, I didn't want to leave HIM I wanted to leave his behavior. Six months later we reconciled and he moved back in.

    I have since become a stronger woman, knowing myself better and more educated with a couple of businesses, but his bad behavior continues. I think since 2010 he has been faithful, however, as his behavior seems to indicate this, but the anger, distraction and overall child-like way of living has become too overwhelming for me to take any longer. Anything and everything that goes wrong is my fault. When we have trouble with our younger son, my husband doesn't let me manage it and then blames me when his way doesn't work (total Catch 22 situation he creates for me). I have been in counseling and will return when we again have a vehicle (car died recently). He has always refused marriage and any other counseling. He also gets very agitated when I go to therapy, but this is one time I can't care about his feelings.

    Since better understanding myself and him via my research, I have been able to be more aware of situations, of my own reactions and behavior and his. However, whenever I try to (considerately) share a positive-leaning article about ADHD that can help us, he turns into Mr. Hyde and lambasts me and how I need to focus on myself and my issues. I try to tell him that his issues are some of my issues! He is always throwing around the word, "divorce" but never really means it. I tried to leave a few years ago and he went nuts. I NEVER use that word unless I mean it, so I have used it exactly two times in 22 years and both times I had paperwork to hand over with it. Today after sending him the article, "For Men with ADHD Who Aren't Convinced it Matters" and explaining that it isn't bashing, but very helpful, he screamed at me, said horrible things about my issues and said that he would move out immediately if I brought up ADHD again. Then he wanted to scour our bank statements, convinced that I am doing 'things' behind his back. Most of the time he doesn't even want to see the bank accounts or even know the passwords (I try to give them to him). He wants me in charge of everything - until he is in one of his 'moods'. I am honest and open and do nothing behind his back (save for this forum and post). So, of course there was nothing to see in the accounts that I hadn't already told him - except for one bill that I accidentally put on his account while we were out together. We had been drinking a bit and I accidentally gave them the wrong card as I said I would pay from my business account ($ management thing). Oops, but I obviously am a villain! Of course I backed down as I wasn't about to fight since it would not help the situation. Hey, I'm no saint in our marriage, but at least I am trying!

    Of course I do just about everything, save for cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen floor. He is really good about that since he causes most of the mess. Otherwise it is all me most of the time. It is HEARTBREAKING to see a grown man with SO much potential not even able to finish a simple community college intro. course on the way to his dream job and have only menial labor as an option (I have nothing against menial labor, it's just that he would rather do something else). He is deathly afraid of handwriting in public and has me fill out most of his paperwork for him. He is really intelligent and used to devour books. Now, he doesn't read anything that isn't on Facebook. I know that his is scared because of this which exacerbates things and makes him more angry and paranoid. I am SO much an enabler, but when I try to back away I become the wife that NEVER wants to do anything for him and who doesn't love him. I know that I am also co-dependent (read about that too lol). Following HIS lifestyle, I feel that for the last 22 years I have lived the life of another person and not the person I was or intended to be, although I am just starting to get some of that back now.

    So there you have it. A post filled with bits of every article and posts about and from us on the Internet and in the books. I hope I didn't bore you all. lol

    I am laughing through my tears as I type this. I really do love him. For a while I wondered if I didn't. When things are good, they are really good. We get along so well when we travel and have time together without the pressures of day-to-day responsibilities (sometimes a month vaca). We make each other laugh and are there (for each other) when we are ill or there is trouble with the kids. For now, I am working on myself and plan not to say any more about it to him. Of course, again, he will think that he has won the battle, but not realize that the war is still raging (I don't like to think of him as my enemy, but the ADHD feels like one). However, I will be here with you all (yelling out, "Exactly! Exactly!" as I read your posts)  to get and give support to get through this for however long I can continue living this lifestyle. In about three years it will only be him and me in the apartment. I want to look forward to this time together (and have told him that).

    *** I know this is long-winded and I promise to be much more concise with future posts. ***

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