I have a reached a tipping point in my relationship and I fear that unless some changes happen, and happen soon, that my marriage will soon be over.

Some quick background info:

My husband and I have been married for 9 years (together for 10). When we met I was a divorced mom with 2 boys - ages 4 and 6. My husband-to-be was a batchelor.

I was finally diagnosed with ADHD about 8 years ago (my youngest son was in the 2nd grade and was diagnosed as well). I have been taking Adderall XR every single day since my diagnosis. The meds don't control all of my symptomatic behaviors, but since I went so long without a diagnosis, I already had some pretty good coping skills (for example, I was able to graduate from college before diagnosis) and the meds help reinforce those skills and help slow things down for me.  I would say that I am treating my ADHD and can keep appointments with the use of my phone's calendar, keep a clean house, stay on top of laundry, work full time (with excellent performance reviews), pay my bills (I even use a budget!), etc. I definitely have trouble with blurting out inappropriate comments, interrupting people, ignoring people, procrastination, correctly estimating how long a task will take, etc., but I try to laugh off what I can, apologize often and try hard not to beat myself up too much. I'm sure I have other major deficits, since us ADHDers are notoriously bad at self-evaluation.

Around the same time I was diagnosed with ADHD, my husband found out that he has Aspergers. He has all the classic symptoms, but I would call him extremely high-functioning. He has a good job, compliments my looks, does things with friends, likes snuggling and physical contact, likes to do a lot of fun activities (biking, snowboarding, camping, traveling.) But he struggles sensory processing disorder, criticizes my sons and me relentlessly, yells (a lot - like multiple days a day), calls us names, breaks things, punches walls, gets angry when his routine is disturbed, etc. He also lacks the ability to empathize. He is not taking any medication (unless weed counts.)

So, my dilemma:

How are we supposed to make our relationship work?  It's not a situation where one spouse is neuro-typical and the other has ADHD - we both have neurological disorders that shape how we experience the world. And from everything I've read and experienced, it seems like ADHD and Aspergers are almost on polar ends of the continuum. He thrives on routine and order; I couldn't maintain a routine to save my life. He likes to be left undisturbed; I can't help but cause disruption. I hate being criticized and yelled at; he deals with anxiety by lashing out. I am almost too empathetic (and feel really bad about how I cause other people pain); he doesn't have a clue about how his behavior affects others. I could go on and on.

Now I am seriously questioning whether or not I can stay in this relationship. The daily verbal abuse has destroyed my self-esteem and I'm worried that I'm becoming depressed. My husband is in pain because I withdraw from his anger and criticism and withhold affection (that includes sex.) I snap at him when the criticism gets too intense - that escalates his anger and widens my withdrawal. Instead of being happy to see him enter a room, I brace myself for another verbal assault. I try as hard as I can to control the chaos my ADHD creates in our lives (medication, lists, reminders, counseling), but I don't think it will ever be enough to satisfy him. 

I read stories about NT women married to men with Aspergers and the accounts are absolutely heartbreaking. I'm positive my ADHD contributes to his anxiety and just fuels an already difficult situation. 

I did do one big thing to try to help:

This past weekend, I cleared out a room in our house that was being used for storage and turned it into a special room for him. I painted the walls and bought a nice couch, tv, and mini-fridge - it's a proper man cave. I'm going to be adding some bookshelves this week so he can display some of his favorite items and store things he doesn't want touched. It will be just his room - no one else can use the room without his permission or invitation. I told him he needs to go in the room when the kids and/or I are bothering him or when the house feels too chaotic or when he just needs a break. I told him that he doesn't get to yell anymore or blame and criticize us and if he feels a negative emotion coming on that he needs to go into his new space so he doesn't abuse us. I hoping this will be enough. I hoping that he will use the room regularly, so that we can all have some peace. 

My husband gets impatient and tense over, omg, an endless numbers of things. He is sort of Jekyll and Hyde bc he's not a mean guy - he is sweet and caring and tries to do his best with me - but just, like there are frequent circumstances where he is tense/tired/hungry/trying to focus and can't, etc., where he has a very very short fuse.

While I find this tiresome and annoying, once I started to understand the ADHD thing, and also felt secure enough with myself (and his love for me) where I didn't take it personally, I generally have learned to just back off and give him the cold shoulder when he acts that way.  Sometimes we're in a situation where I can't abort the mission - like if we're in a car together or somehting.  In those situations, I may put up with a grouchy, tense, impatient husband for a couple hours and a few terse adolescent-toned comments before i finally snap and tell him to stop acting like that.

Here is my problem....he is IMMENSELY SENSITIVE and will have an all out meltdown if i take a tone with him.  That's right A TONE - for ONE SENTENCE. We drove home from vacation this weekend and from the time he woke up and packed up and two hours into the drive, every interaction with him (tired, sick, whatever) he was tense and impatient, and yet for every. single. comment. i kept my cool and didnt stoop to that level with him.  At one point I took a wrong turn and his overreaction to that merited my yelling for him to back off. So, it took hours and dozens of negative exchanges for him to finally get a rise out of me - and even then, i dont take any of it personally....

On the other hand, we have a nice evening and there is one convo abotu staining this piece of furniture and i said the same sentence twice and he still didnt hear - he said again "you put the stain on ten minutes right" and so the third time i had to say it i just had a slightly impatient tone when i said "NO! not ten! ONE minute for walnut and TWO for grey!"

He had a meltdown, told me i was "calling him an idiot and treatig him badly" and he stormed off to his office to go look up how to stain things and declared that I am not to touch the piece of furniture, that my impatience shows I dont know what i am doing since i "got so defensive" and he doesnt need to hear about what a moron he is.

I just stood in the doorway dumbfounded (as i am on a daily basis when this sort of drama happens over nothing)....i told him i was simply getting impatient bc i said something three times, that;s all.

Then i cam en the other room. 

WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!??! WHY does he think it's ok to act impatient and terse and bratty if he feels....oh i dont know....sore from working out....tired....sick....stressed from work....stressed about money.....is too hot....is too busy.....has a lot on his mind....the list goes on.....but I have to act PERFECTLY and if i get impatient EVEN FOR ONE SENTENCE he pulls from it the giant slew of crap stated above and just acts like hes been totally mistreated?!?  

i am so exhausted with this guy. he expects me to be patient at all times, and stroke his ego and be perfect to HIM at all times, but he doesnt seem to try to project that same standard at ALL. He totally wallows in his own negative anything...and wears it on his sleeve and takes it out on me. 

Hey everyone - so i ended up on this site like a year ago when a therapist of mine mentioned to me in passing that she thought my husband was ADHD just based on some of the anecdotes about him I shared....i didnt really ever look up what ADHD was or anything so once I did after that, i was totally floored how uncanny the traits were, and I also found this site. 

My husband has acted miffed in the past when i tell him that he is ADHD, even when i have described many things to him and he HAS to know that is way too many of his traits for it to be BS.

Anyway, so we were going out of town this weekend (AND its the end of the month and my husband is in sales)....double doozy - my husband at the end of the month can be a bit of a terror and my husband when we're trying to pack stuff and pack the car to go out of town is also a terror. Both things are an enormous source of drama bc my husband gets so impatient and edgy and tense in these situations and inevitably whenever we go out of town, we get in at least one argument over nothing while packing the car - the fight is always bc hes a tense A$$ hole to me over NOTHING and so i get irritated and tell him to stop talking like that, theres nothing to be this stressd about, calm down, etc. 

Well, he started coming down with a cold on Thursday (actually being sick makes him a nightmare usually, too!) but this time he went and got the most intense sudafed stuff at the store  that has all the stimulants in it and everything. He took that steadily from thirsday night through saturday afternoon on the trip. let me tell you, HE WAS A FREAKING DELIGHT!!!!! He was his calm, sweet, un-edgy self in any and all situations, including the ones where e typically is inexplicably pissy and tense. We packed the car without incident, he didnt have this impulsive urge to micromanage and freak out over nothing, etc. we got caught in come traffic jams and he reacted like it was nothing (bc it wasnt) instead of acting liek the sky is falling if you hit some traffic when you have noehwere to be at a certain time - like he normally does. 

I dont know, he was just TOTALLY patient and at ease and sweet the whole weekend. I even noticed (we were camping with friends) that sitting around the campfire he did less monopolozing of conversation, listened well, paid attentiont o people, etc., and also rather than staying p till 4 am talking peoples' ears off....he said at like 10:00 that he was tired, and went to bed. He was like a totally peaceful, at ease version of himself.

THEN, on sunday morning we get up and he is out of sudafed and starting to feel better and let me tell you he was back to his tense self - getting the car packed up to leave (even though again, we had no time constraints or things to be home for, etc and it was 8 am) was an enormous stressor for him - and even though i was driving and knew how to get home, everything was tense for him, he was repeatedly impatient, etc. ...multiple times i said something and hes looking at his phone and doesnt hear me, etc.

Long story short, he was amazing on thursday through saturday, EVEN with the traveling, EVEN with the end of the month work stress, EVEN with the cold - and the medicine made him that way.  Could he really maybe benefit from some medicine? I wasnt sure what those ADHD meds did for people but now i am thinking it may help him. i mean even on friday he tells me "im so stressed this morning trying to follow up with everyone and get this all done by the end of the month"....but like, he articulated what stressed him in a calm, normal, mature manner and seemed to be totally keeping it together - rather than his usual appraoch to that stress, which is to not acknolwedge it, act like a dramatic terse brat, and then INSIST that everything is fine if you ask him if he is ok or if work is getting to him.

I dunno i am just totally floored - we may have to talk about this someitme but i dont want him to get offended! he told me saying he may have ADHD was "finding flaws in him" and that's simply not true.  

My 20 year old wants to change her degree in college from Business to Art; she is a good if not great artist but we all know most artist are "starving" artists.

My 20 year old has been diagnosed with ADDHD by a Psychiatrist; would an art career be a solid profession for someone with ADDHD?