Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • He won't admit he needs help too. by: Seoakland 10 years 4 months ago

    Hi there,

    My boyfriend of 9 months now is ADHD. At first, the relationship was wonderful and he was charming and respected me.

    It seems that now he blows up at every little thing I have to say or if I do something he doesn't like, instead of just talking

    to me, he spouts off mean horrible things and gets me crying. I know I'm not perfect and I'm an emotional person anyway

    , but I feel like he plays on my insecurites somehow by making me turn into this crying little girl. Then of course after he calms 

    down it's " I love you baby". I know I have a lot of personal growth to accomplish, but how do I get him to get help of his own

    and take his medicine everyday? I really love him and I know he loves me, he just doesn't think he has any issues at all.

    and on top of it we are having a baby. I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you.

     

  • help and resources for young adults by: perfectstorm5 10 years 4 months ago

    Out of five people in my family, three have been diagnosed with ADHD.  My eldest son was diagnosed in college, and he still rebels against the diagnosis, refusing treatment just like his father.  I am sad as I watch him struggle in areas that might be easier with help.

    My 19 year old daughter who is much higher functioning than either her father or brother, was just diagnosed this summer, and sadly her doctor left the practice and neither she nor I liked the replacement. The new doctor recommended Vyvanse, but she hasn't started that yet. We were told that she would need a doctor in the state where she attends college if she starts on medication to be able to follow up with her through the year. Unfortunately, my husband has been out of work for over 5 years, and we have a high deductible insurance plan that is really only useful so that we don't lose everything due to catastrophic medical bills.  It won't help my daughter to get the care I think she probably will need. I am going to find a way for her to be able to try the medication no matter what it takes. She is at school on a scholarship, and she barely was able to handle her heavy class load with tons of reading.  

    Until the academic meltdown, I didn't think she obviously had ADHD, because she has a lot of coping strategies in place.  Her room can be chaos, but she actually eventually cleans it up, and she has no problem getting rid of her piles of stuff, and loves how she feels when she gets organized.  She has trouble staying there, though.

    I have read so much about ADHD, but I have yet to find a book or a resource that could actually help her. I think she will struggle to get through any of the books that I have read, and I'm wondering if anyone can recommend something less wordy that gets to the point, and that maybe even is specifically aimed at young adults who are newly diagnosed. In my daughter, I see all the best possibilities of an ADHD mind. I am envious of her ability to be creative in almost every aspect of her life, and people often comment what a positive and enthusiastic person she is.  It breaks my heart that this year, after her biggest academic failures, she has struggled with the most negative feelings about herself, and I want to do anything I can to correct that before it gets worse. I would be so grateful for any input from anyone who has ideas about  resources for this age group.

  • Lying about money by: HK78 10 years 4 months ago

    Has anyone experienced their ADHD partner lying about money? 

    Before we married 2.5 years ago, I was aware that he had ADHD, but I somewhat foolishly didn't realise how ADHD can affect a marriage. Shortly after we returned from our honeymoon, I found out my husband had been lying about money in the lead up to our wedding. Somehow I was able to get over that and our finances have been managed by me giving him an allowance, with me basically in charge of the rest. As I felt it was a bit ridiculous and so demeaning that a grown man who earns a decent salary has to ask me for extra money on occasion if his allowance had run out before payday, I foolishly suggested he have an extra small sum of money in his allowance account to keep at the same balance but just to absorb fluctuations in spending from week to week. I recently found out that he had been lying again, saying that his allowance account was balancing when he actually spent the extra funds the week the money moved to his allowance account. 

    For me the money is not the issue, it's  the lying, sustained over a period of time that I can't deal with. I think that we can manage the money by putting more controls in place, but I don't think I will ever be able to trust my husband.  We also now have a baby - and I worry about how I can sustain my marriage for baby's sake, when whilst I can accept that my husband cannot manage money, I can't accept the lying. Does anyone have any advice? 

  • Dealing with a ADHD spouse by: ann3242664 10 years 4 months ago

    My husband and I been married for 12 years. The 8 years have been very rough and not very good. We fight constantly and he blames me for his problems. He's had ADHD since he was very young. He recently went to a doctor and got medication and doesn't seem to be helping. When he loses something he goes straight to me and starts blaming me for misplacing something he put down 30 seconds early. I get tired of it. He's become very angry and has placed a lot his angry to me. I've always been a very happy person and easy going. Being around him makes me feel a lot angry and upset. I've never cried so many times in my life over hurtful things he's said to me and about my family. When we were first together we got along great and always did things together. He's in web development and he constantly on the computer talking to his buddies 24/7 instead of handing out with his family. He always on his phone and I have to bug him to just talk to him for a few mins. I can't deal with this anymore. We don't sleep together anymore since we constantly fight. He lies a lot, procrastinates about things and seems angry. I just wish we could sit down and talk but that doesn't seem to happen anymore. Any advise would help.

  • Engaged but no wedding date by: Amberorchid 10 years 4 months ago

    I have been engaged for approximately one year to a man with ADHD. We have been in a relationship for three years. At first I did not notice his symptoms; I thought he was just very energetic and spontaneous. After knowing him for three years now, I am beginning to realize that these qualities are not going to change. He is extremely messy and rarely helps with chores. He had a gambling problem which stopped, however I am always afraid that it will return. He is been pulled over numerous times for speeding and had his license revoked. He also seems to be addicted to pornography. I cannot explain why I am with this man. He's charming and adorable. I am extremely afraid to get married. I'm afraid that our children have ADHD or autism. I imagine that our lives will be great together. I keep focusing on the positive things, like how he stopped gambling. Sometimes I do feel more like his mother than his fiancé. I love his spontaneity and enthusiasm for life, however I wonder if it is compatible with the type of life that I envision. I feel very alone and cannot really describe these feelings with my family members. I have a counselor, but feel so guilty having these thoughts. At the moment, we live in separate states so it is very hard for me to assess how our relationship will be once we live together. I am at a loss and I'm really struggling with my decision to get married. Most of the time I'm very optimistic. But every so often I have a day where become very scared, terrified. I read people's comments on this forum and can relate tremendously. I feel like my brain is telling me to run. My heart is telling me to hold on. I have never been so conflicted. Fortunately, we have not made any definitive wedding plans yet. However we will not be together for at least a year and it is very difficult for me to assess our relationship apart. I am really struggling and could use some advice. Thanks.

  • Turns out it's MY fault husband couldn't go to work today! Who knew! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 4 months ago

    So if you read an earlier post of mine from this morning you'll see that H once again didn't go into work today.  He had a root canal appt at 10:45 but I see his text to his boss this morning at 4AM stated that he had a dentist appt at 7AM and didn't know how long he would be.  Okay...a 7AM dentist appt? They don't even open around here until 8AM! He never did call or text after that about not going in even though he never went in to work. How does that work?! How does this man still have a job??

    So anyways just now as I was cleaning up after dinner he tells me "Yeah I just couldn't get myself up for work this morning thanks to you bringing home that Fireball whiskey on a Tuesday. You NEED to bring that stuff home on Friday's not during the week okay." So it's MY fault that you had too much and couldn't get yourself up??!! I should have known that you couldn't drink it during the week? Was I holding a gun to your head and feeding you shots? You drink 4 or 5 beers every night and get by fine! You drink whiskey and water all the time and get by fine. But you do a few shots of fireball and it's all my fault? I say to him "Oh really? it's ALL MY FAULT?" He immediately goes into pissy mode and goes "I'm just asking you this one simple thing. Could you please do that from now on?" I said "I can just go ahead and hide it from you" and I barely could get those words out before he goes "No how is that going to do any good? You'll still be drinking it". Really? Says who? So you don't want me to hide it from you but if it's there you're going to drink it. And it all comes down to being my fault you couldn't go to work! Classic!

  • from the ADHD newsletter by: warrior93 10 years 4 months ago

    The newsletter talked about being disconnected.  That you have to share your thoughts, feelings, etc with your partner.  But of course you have to feel safe in your relationship to do so.  I don't think I feel "safe" in my relationship.  If I share my feelings to my ADHD spouse, I either get yelled at, ignored, or made fun of.  If I ask my spouse's opinion about something, I get a sarcastic remark in return.  It all makes for very difficult communication.

  • stick to the script by: mariel 10 years 4 months ago
    I was just listening to a radio soap where a young couple are dating and flirting while reading posts here form people feeling lonely hurt or misunderstood.  I'm tempted to get hubby to help me write a script for a date and then me and hubby can go out and stick to the script and have a lovely time! any thoughts? m
  • Agressivness vs Assertiveness by: jennalemon 10 years 4 months ago

    Many of us on this forum are here because we are at our wits end. I assume there are many spouses of ADDers out there who are NOT on this site who are able to negotiate, partner, support without fear of power imbalance and trust their ADD or ADHD partners.  We are here because something is wrong with the partnership and we are at a loss about what it is and what to do about it.  If our ADD partner is denying, fighting and isolating, we are being rejected and ignored as an equal partner in their lives.....in the life of our marriage. 

    I will give you the benefit of my counseling sessions as I work though this currently with a counselor who seems to be right on target with me.

    I have been acting somewhat like a child my entire life.  Even though I talk professionally, work hard, am responsible, love others.  My parents are dead but I am still trying to please their voices in my head, old culture directives, my husband, my sisters, any institution with authority, the Bible, teachers, all "experts".   I am still trying to find out (self help books and this site) how to be a good girl and do things correctly and by the rules for the benefit of everyone else. I was taught that is what I SHOULD do....behave, work hard, not complain.  

    I get to grow up now.  The counselor said you would be surprised how many women my age are similarly going through this after a life in small town, religious, Midwest upbringing. I would be someone without a backbone no matter who I was with.....just tell me what to do for you and I will obey you.   My parents did not model how to be a grown up with a strong voice and backbone and assertiveness to navigate in an adult world.  They did not ALLOW me to have an adult voice.  My mode of navigating my family was to soothe, take care of other's feelings, do the work and not make any waves or trouble....someone my mother could be proud of.  I am now paying the price of my parents' inability to show me how to be an adult equal and work out boundaries and rules for OTHER people to be in my life. 

    I got the message that having fun was foolish.  This is likely what attracted me to my dh.  He was fun and funny and did not play by the rules.  I wanted him to be by my side to fight my battles for me....because I was not allowed to fight (or even to disagree).  I was "nice".

    I get to spend time learning about assertiveness and having a voice and a backbone. With many of us, it is not the ADD but it is a partnership with unequalness.  We must stop being children and  crying and complaining and start learning how to give ourselves a voice with power.    Believe me, this is not something that will come easy for me...I have a trigger that does not allow me to be "selfish" and having power makes me feel selfish and wrong....just what i was taught NOT to be.  But I must for my children's sakes, learn and model how to be a grown up.

    Assertiveness is based on balance. It requires being forthright about your wants and needs while still considering the rights, needs, and wants of others. When you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily get it.

    Aggressive behavior is based on winning. It requires that you do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights, needs, feelings or desires of others. When you are aggressive, you take what you want regardless, and you don't usually ask.

    This is a difference between dh and me.  Even more than the ADD, his method of operation is to be aggressive.  This is not ok.  I will learn how to respond to agression...not run away from it but stand up to it like a strong adult.

  • He goes from not going into work one day to overtime the next! Don't understand it! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 4 months ago

    I really wish I understood how his mind works.  I thought today was going to be another day of not going to work--they are so frequent now that I don't even get upset about it with him anymore because it is too draining. He got up at 4AM and sat on the bed like he was really tired and then reset the alarm. Well that's usually the kiss of death right there because he hasn't gone in late in a year and either goes in on time or doesn't go in at all. But he surprises me and gets up at 4:30 and goes in. I figured he'd either come home early or come home at his regular time and take a nap. Nope. Just got a text for him that he's going to work a couple hours of overtime. I don't get how he can go from "I hate work and I'm not going to go in for a week" to the next day "I'm really tired but I'm working 2 hours of overtime today". Just like about 6 months ago. He stayed up all night playing video games and watching tv for no reason yet still went into work at 4AM the next day. However a few weeks later he was tossing and turning during the night and I shook him and asked if he was getting up for work and I got a very snarky "Didn't you hear me tossing and turning all night?! I only got about 2 hours worth of sleep and I am expected to be able to work on that?". Um...you worked on NO sleep a few weeks ago and acted like I was crazy when I asked if you were really going to work on no sleep! Of course you were going in...why wouldn't you!

    He'll probably beat me home by about 45 minutes tonight and I'll walk thru the door and he will act SO tired and grumpy and expect me to drop at his feet because HE worked overtime and he shouldn't be expected to do ANYTHING!

Pages