Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Adderall and Vyvanse by: frustratedinfla 10 years 3 months ago

    My DH was diagnosed two months ago. He started on Vyvanse 30 mg I think it was, but then after he got home from work he would just have these mood swings, anything could set him off. The DR said some people need something else in the afternoon when they "crash" from the meds. So she gave him Adderall .  Now he's taking Adderall XR in the morning and an Adderall booster in the evening. 

     

    I am am just wondering if anyone else is experiencing these mood swings, feeling like the ADHD spouse or significant other feels that they don't communicate we'll with you anymore, lack of sex drive, hyper focused on everything else but sex. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells, trying not to set him off, trying to treat him the same as he feels I treat him different now. Says he feels I don't look at him the same now, and I'm different.  Yet when he gets in a mood, he tells me to leave him alone and ignore anything that he says as he doesn't mean it.  If I try and give my opinion or a suggestion, it's like that's not what I want and shuts me down.  Help!!! I feel alone, I try not to get upset when he says hurtful things as he doesn't mean them.  And if he gets something in his head, he goes for it, even if it's a terrible idea. Then if I say anything about it, I'm picking on him. 

     

    He was never like this prior to taking the meds.  And paranoia I guess as he always says I don't love him anymore

     

  • She handled it differently :) by: Hope to peace 10 years 3 months ago

    Yesterday I wrote in the angry and frustrated area that my adhd partner informed me she had forgotten to take her meds.  We had plans and this information gave me fear of what would become of those plans.  I was all prepared to have to accept a very different , I productive and disconnected day with her.  She went out in the yard and began an activity that usually takes her so far away that she doesn't make it back inside until sometimes 9 at night.....even though it should only take her about 2 hours!   I went into the room and blogged how angry and frustrated I was and how sad I was that now our plans would change....AGAIN....all because I am not suppose to remind her to take her meds and she choose to forget to.  BUT. ......although she did do the activity for longer then was originally planned.....and although she did get a bit lost in it......it wasn't for long at all!  It was do-able, and she came back in side and said "honey, are you ready to move to the next thing now?" And we moved onto it and GOT IT DONE!  (It was cleaning and organizing the garage..which has been a much needed chore for months now since she decided to "hord" the garage with a bunch of her purchases she no longer wanted).  We got it done, we stayed connected, we laughed and talked, we spent the evening talking, she was open and communicative and she didn't forget the things we had talked about doing.  We went to bed AT THE SAME TIME and were able to stay connected the entire night!  Even not being on her meds.  By no means do I fool myself I to thinking this no meds stuff can continue......but I do feel that she has grown in her understanding enough that even on a no meds day, she can still stay present with me and follow through and not get lost in her own world.  For that day, I am thankful!

  • Fiance "too busy" to get married! by: Icefishinglady 10 years 4 months ago

    I am a 56-year old widow (7 years) and was engaged to a 55-year-old widower (2 years) who recently told me that he is just too busy to get married on September 27th as planned.  All of the signs of ADD/HD are there - and since he stopped the clock, I have learned much more. 

    A bit of background - he also has three children with ADD/HD, and two of them (twin 18-yo boys) are developmentally disabled and autistic. I know I have brought a great deal of stability into their lives and love them, but they definitely have issues with lashing out verbally and physically. Life would not be easy here. 

    I made an appointment for couples therapy, because he said he was too busy to go to a doctor/therapist - he finally agreed to go, but only after getting quite angry and saying he did not have time. 

    At this very moment he is downstairs working on taxes that must be paid by midnight tonight. I know he will be late, but since I checked in a half hour ago and found him trying to locate tickets for a musical with his daughter and "reminded" him - at least I think he is doing it now.

    Part of me wants to run away. I feel guilty leaving but he has lied about things to cover his symptoms, spent enormous amounts of money I now know was money he did not have to spend... but I feel like the boys need me too. And how can I n he has agreed to go see someone?

    Yet I am 56, and do not know if I can or should even try to walk into a hornet nest like this.

    I have the option of going to stay at my son's home and relax and think for a week or two. It includes cuddle time with my little granddaughter.

    Yet I feel I have a commitment to stay and get the boys ready for camp next week... I said I would.

     

    How do I even begin to sort all this out?  

     

  • Not taking meds!,,, errrrrrrrrr by: Hope to peace 10 years 4 months ago

    I just need to vent!  I am so sick of this!!!  We are on vacation and going to have a good time and she just informed me that she only took 2 meds today because she forgot to,take,the other two!!  I read in this sight that we can't remind them to take their meds but then I feel powerless!!  On only two pills she is extremely distracted, can be argumentative, is shut down and can be really hard to get to follow through with plans (we have some tonight) and sex!  Ha forget about it......it sucks so bad I don't even want to do it!!  I need to mention we are a same sex couple...her being more of the butch and me more the fem (in lesbian lingo...she is the top and I more the bottom).  Sex tonight will be choppy, messy, and not her listening to my wants and needs but her doing what ever catches her fancy!  She will just get started and then change it up to something I am NOT enjoying as much.....and forget about connection and romance!!  I know I am not suppose to remind her to take her meds....but it affects me too!!  I should be able to remind her so that I can have a pleasant experience being married to her!!  I am already sooooooooooo. Sick of this ADHD shit!  It challenges everything in our life and creates so many difficulties.  She is already under medicated and under treated but now she just didn't take them!!!  I just want to scream...don't you love me enough to take your fucking meds!!  I surely do not want to be around her the rest of the day.  Fuck!

  • So this is what has transpired since last Thursday! by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 4 months ago

     Found this out from reading his texts when he wasn't around. After not being at work for 7 days straight, he sends a message to his manager on Thursday afternoon around 2PM saying that he will report for duty tomorrow after stopping by medical at work and doctor has him on light duty for 2 weeks. Friday he goes to medical at 5AM (I thought he was once again pulling the crap of leaving for work but then just going to have breakfast somewhere until I left for work and then coming home) and at 5:45 sends a message to his manager saying "Oh just reread text from yesterday. Was going to come in after 8AM doctor appt and report to medical but then figured I should do that before my appt. Sorry I wasn't clear in previous text. Am at medical now." Wasn't CLEAR??!! You said NOTHING about a doctor's appt! And funny how he ALWAYS manages to get that fake 8AM appt every time! Manager texts him at about 7AM saying that if he is close by then to stop at his desk and "glad to have him back"! Really?? you are glad to have him back??? H stops by his desk and apparently they go over some days that he was out and H says that manager is trying to find some way to find fault in what he did and saying he didn't have it covered. Well duh! How the hell does he remember what excuse was used for what day? Then there's a text to manager at about 8:30 that is absolutely absurd! It says "In my haste to get here (doctor's office) I went to the wrong place. They will still see me but now am on standby and it may be a few hours. I may need an MRI. I'll just take off with sick time today and be in on Monday". OH MY GOD! How can he keep his lies straight?! He was right there at work and still left after being there for 2 hours and that was just for medical!

    I realize that I don't confront him on this stuff and let him get away with a lot. Doesn't matter if I told him what I knew anyways because he would find a way to throw it back on me and make it look like I am the one at fault. But to see that his doctor continually lets him get out of work. Even H says "Oh doctor knows what's up. He just wants to do what I want". Then his boss letting him get away with obvious BS reasons as to why he can't be at work. H tells me that after this 2 week light duty he's going to go back to the doctor and tell him that his knee still hurts and needs to be on light duty for at least another month. He says he's got this whole plan worked out. Says the manager in this new area he'll be working in really loves him so he's going to try and get in with him and get transferred there. But then he told someone else the day before that he's trying to get on the crane crew. But then told someone else the day before that he wants to leave his job altogether and go work on the ferries. What DO you want?? The doctor told him that if his knee isn't better after keeping off of it for 2 weeks that he may need an MRI to see if the ACL is torn and if that's the case then he'd need surgery. I tell H that he IS going to get an MRI if things don't get better right? He goes "I don't have to get one. It's my choice." Really? So you want to continue with knee pain so you can continually get a light duty note from your doctor rather than fix it? And my guess is the doctor will continue to give him these notes as long as H wants him to.

  • Wife thinks the Focalin I'm prescribed is "speed" by: hamilte3 10 years 4 months ago

    My wife has been frustrated with me lately and it turns out my psych said the Focalin I'm on is "speed".  Since she grew up with the worst of the worst drugs which both her mother and father abused their entire life, she thinks she's going through it again.  If I don't take my med I told her I'd likely loose my job since I've already been warned at work.  Anybody know the best way to approach this?  It is highly emotional for her, so I reassured her, but she said she'd never be convinced it isn't speed.  

    Thanks for any positive contributions you may have!

    Ed 

  • Hygiene,smell, hoarding by: risingfromtheashes 10 years 4 months ago

    Does anyone else have trouble with an adhd spouse and their hygiene? I have trouble with finding creative ways to say please wash etc and its killing me especially since they smoke. How do I work on asking them to clean themselves?their space?and work on their hoarding? The forgetfulness makes the personal hygiene very bad and it makes messes so much worse.I have trouble being together with them when they haven't showered or shaved etc. Messes can be picked up but when its filled with clutter and hoarding and you know their must be food or unwashed items in their you know mold, smell etc are dangerous and scary how do I tackle this? . I have the whole house organized and their stuff contained to bins, but in the bins I know their are unwashed clothing items and outdoor gear developing mold and smell. The office desk"reclaimed"from an alley smells like cat pee pee. I hate bad smells, I hate mold and I hate hoarding help! absentmindedness aside its gross but I dont want to be tackless but it seems I never get through gently. Also are all adhd people messy I mean food in corner of mouth,stain and spots on pants from food ink, or cuts on hands and hands not washed etc or is this just my adhd spouse?

  • What do you see? by: I'm So Exhausted 10 years 4 months ago

    I do the bookkeeping in our family, including the finances for the construction business partnership of my spouse and son.  

    What exactly ARE boundaries for my end?  Let's just look at this one specific current situation:

    I get home to check the online banking for random debits my spouse makes.  Usually fast food or  random materials.  Ten dollars here, fifty dollars there.  Today there was a $500 deduction.  It was a rental for a piece of equipment  I mentioned it to my spouse a bit ago.  He said "You were at work today and unavailable, so I HAD to make a decision."  (Hit a nerve IN ME since this is usual and customary behavior for him, and how odd for me that he tossed in "You were unavailable." )   I just repeated that I noticed a $500 deduction in the checking account that I was not told about.  We live by the minute - cash goes in, cash has to be spent on bills.  There is no extra, to $500 just lying around.

    So I think it hit some  button, because he started saying how I was accusing him of. . . . . .

    I just repeated I noticed a $500 deduction from the checking account that I was not aware of before it was deducted.   He mentioned something about replacing it, it was for a job, then went out to the RV.  Sigh.

    I honestly  know my own answer.  He will not change.  He has not changed his behavior in all these years, no matter how I approach it.  I want to budget and keep the books in order, and handle the cash flow.  It is impossible when $500 just disappears out of a checking account balance that I had scheduled for other bills.  

    So he is in a snit, and I am dumbfounded once again.  I do not think there is any other options left on approaching this matter of his random spending without feeling he should consider it is I who always has to MAKE IT WORK.  He spends, I make it work.   Yeah, it may be a business expense, but it threw all my planning and book keeping off kilter.    Why should he be (what appears to be mad?)  Maybe it is I who should just let him find another bookkeeper?  (LOL,I think he wont find anyone else that works for free!)

    Truth is I need to make it all work because I do not want  lose our home and great credit rating.  I am proud of how I have kept up appearances, I guess. . . . . .he falls, I fall too.  How do I choose to do that?

     

  • No Hope For Happy Sex Life by: Seeking Balance 10 years 4 months ago

    Hi everyone,

    I'm very new to this site but I've been reading a lot of your posts & feeling both relieved & overwhelmed at all our common experiences.  For some background, I am 32 years old & have been married for 6 years to my husband who has ADHD.  He is currently going to counseling & should be getting on some medication here in the next couple of weeks.  I am still reading through The ADHD Effect on Marriage & trying to work on my end of things.

    For the last 5 years we've been having sex less than 12 times a year give or take a few.  I know some classify this as a "sexless marriage".  Sexual consistency is a huge issue for us & is honestly one of the issues I'm struggling with the hardest.  We are affectionate pretty much daily holding hands, hugs, & kissing sometimes.  So we are able to connect physically in some ways.  I've asked if he's using porn to meet his sexual needs & he says he's not & I believe him.  I don't believe he is having an affair. 

    When it comes to sex though it just doesn't seem to be on the top of his list or maybe anywhere on his list?  To be fair I am not great at initiating sex.  When we do have sex he does seem really happy about it.  It's almost like he's on a "high" for a few days after that.  At that point I usually think things are going to get better & we're going to start gaining some momentum but then another month goes by maybe two and it's nothing.  It hurts me so much that this is "our pattern".  It's affecting my self esteem quite a little bit.  It's so hard not to feel like it's personal or feeling like "maybe I'm not good enough" or maybe he is just not turned on by me.  He says he wants me and wants to improve our sex life, but his actions tend to say the opposite.  I'm getting to the point where I almost don't want to have sex anymore because I'm tired of having my hopes crushed & being let down.  I want to avoid sex to avoid being hurt if that makes sense.  I don't even know where to start on trying to rebuild our sex life.  Or perhaps it's just too late?

    Would appreciate any advice from either side of the ADHD coin.

    Thanks


     

  • Blame Game by: jennalemon 10 years 4 months ago

    I have been complaining about dh for years (mostly silent complaining but it also came too many times out of mouth).  I wanted to have a husband to love and respect and someone to love and care for me and respect our marriage and me.  Here is how I had been.  I was saying in my head:

    1. It is not fair.  He gets to have fun and I get to worry about the future.  I want to be happy like him with no cares and the ability to laugh everything off.  With someone else taking care of the necessities and the security. 

    2. I want to be loved and hugged and supported and assured by a spouse, a Dad, a Mom, a sibling, a friend to care for me so that I can feel loved and like a part of the world.  So that the world is not so scary.

    3. I don't want to work so hard (harder than others)

    4. I want to play and have fun and enjoy my life (like I see other people doing) I want the time, the energy the money and the inspiration to enjoy my days and be proud of myself - proud of us.

    5. I want to know what to do.  I want someone to tell me what I should do.  And I want them to walk with me through this.

    6. He has been naughty, naughty, naughty.  He should be punished.  Why does he get away with everything?

    7. I want a happy ending.  Please, someone, tie this all up in a pretty ribbon for me.

    8. I don't KNOW what I want.  I want someone to tell me what I want. I want someone to tell me how to be.

    9. I want everyone to like me.

    10. I want EVERYONE to LOVE me and help me and support me and be nice to me.

    11.  I want to be appreciated, loved, respected and rewarded for all my sacrifices and work

    12.  I don't want DH to get the credit for all the things that I did.

    13.  I want all the toys, I don't want to share what I have already given away....I want it all back.  I am mad that I made the wrong choices. I want a RE-DO.  I am mad that I just got booby prizes.  I don't want to play anymore. Dh is hurting me.  Tell him to stop.  Hold me. Console me. Tell me that everything will be OK.  Tell me that you will take care of things for me.  Tell me that I am a nice girl and that nice girls get rewarded.  Punish HIM!!!!   Why does he get to play when he didn't do the work?  Why do I have to stay inside while everyone else is playing and having fun?  Make HIM behave!  Why doesn't someone make HIM BEHAVE?  

    Poor me!  Oh, poor, poor me. 

    Anyone still listening?

    I thought not.

    DH has been like a child - irresponsible. I have been like a child too....I have been like a tattletale in my mind. I wanted someone to make everyone obey the rules and  -  everything should be equal.  I wanted a mommy or a daddy to make things better and make the scary things in life go away. 

    That is not how it is when you are an adult. Life is a little more interesting....and life IS unfair. That is just how it is.

    I get to grow up now.  I get to open the door of adultlhood and walk out with the permission I give myself to live my own life and take care of myself.  Dh is not my parent or my guardian or my little child.  My parents are gone.  Unless I want to keep wallowing in self pity, I am going to have to be brave and let the people who will not like me for living my own life.... just not like me.  They will get over it.  They are not going to live my life for me.  I must be strong and let go of the illusion of "soul mate", partner, guardian.  That has been a fantasy I wanted to keep alive.  But it has not really been real...only in my head. Even if DH did not have ADD, I am of the age where I must deal with life like a grown up and take the permission and power that IS MY life to live.   And to accept that I made the choices I made ... good and bad.  And that's what life is.  Making choices and living with the choices that were made...or making changes, if you can, from lessons learned.

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