My Husband of 16 years has been diagnosed with ADHD.  He has 4 stages according to the Amen Clinics.   We are in active counseling and working to supplement his diet to manage the ADHD.  He has not yet taken the steps towards medication which is a huge problem for me. 

It seems like everything begins to go well and then "bam" the wrecking ball flies and everything comes crashing down.  I have two children and went through many confusing years of what was wrong with me.  My H has a horrible temper and has been verbally abusive 98% of our marriage.  Adding kids was a huge heart break and dream killer as what he said he wanted has only seemed to prove to be a stressor for him.  I have grown stronger over the years and probably break all the rules when it comes to protecting my children.  But yesterday was a whole new low for us.  For whatever reason H was agitated and already beginning the signs of confrontation when we decided to head out of town for a family members bday.  By the time we hit 55 miles out of town, we were in a full fledge argument.  I decided I didn't want to see family and pretend like we were all good when signs of stress were all over my face.  I took the next exit and headed back home.  This was a huge mistake as my H went into a ADHD rage.  I was unable to talk him off the cliff and after several spouts of profanity and blaming... he demanded to be let out of the car.  We were at a point on the freeway that was beginning to descend a curvy hill 75 mph.  I told him No, I won't leave you on the freeway.  He continued his ranting and demanding I stop the car.  I again said no.  He then threatened to throw the car in reverse if I didn't stop the car.  I couldn't believe it.  My son began to plead with him.  I told him to please let me get down the hill and I would stop.. He put his hand on the gear stick and demanded I stop now.  Of course, I did.  I had to take a moment to calm my self but my son down as well. 

I am concerned as anger seems to be a common issue in ADHD but is this kind of anger/rage normal?  Yes, he needs medication but will this really help or is it time to stop this madness and protect myself and the kids?  I love my H and I don't want to give up on him but I am at a complete loss of what to do next? 

I have been married to my husband for 12 years and been together for 14 yrs. we have a ADHD son age 10. I am Non-ADD 37 and husband is 40. We are at the stage in our lives where we both believe it's just easier to divorce. I love my husband. I want to help him with his worrying. 

Brief summary of us: I am a stay at home mom and he works at Hyundai motor manufacturing as he has been there for 9 years. I use to work but we agreed for me to stay home with our son. I was made aware early on husband has ADD. He is off his medication because he drank a few beers after work which led to lots of beers and I was worried about the effects so husband has been off his dextroamphetamine ADD med for 12yrs now. 

It's been a living hell since 8yrs ago when he told me he was no longer going to provide me and my son food gas diapers formula and basic needs. So I got a credit card and hid it from him. I paid it off completely by going back to work. He got angry when he found out about it and I haven't worked since then. He threatened me that if I didn't take my name off all bank account ps, house, and vehicles he would divorce me so I did as he told me. I for the last 7 yrs get a allowance from him of $70 biweekly for gas and activities for our son. He gets angry when I ask for more money. He embarrasses me at the grocery store when we check out (I am not allowed to go without him) as he tells me is spend to much of his money.

in the last 3 yrs he paid off our house and our 2 vehicles. We are debt free. Recently he bought all new furniture for our living room and our sons room and realize that he didn't have enough credit built up because he hasn't had payments so he got a loan for $2000 and that is now paid off as well. He recently got a credit card in his name with a $1000 limit. He gave it to me to spend on our gas groceries only.  I have put groceries gas and activities on it. He is angry at me for putting too much on it. 

He is always telling me he won't be able to retire because of me, he always blames me for his problems. He refuses to sleep with me, he doesn't communicate, he watches tv when he has times, he never makes time for me or our son. He is always annoyed when I try to talk to him about things that are going on. He never apologizes, he says "I love you" but I believe it's just words. He isn't affectionic, I don't feel sexually connected to him anymore and he acts as if I need to do my wifely chore to have sex with him. He is controlling my life and our sons life. I holler and scream at him at this point because I am so sick of this mess. 

I do not get along with his family as that is another whole topic. Why am I always to blame?

Why does he feel he need to say sorry?

Why does he feel he will never retire?

Why does he shut me out?

Why does he ignore me? 

Why is it always a burden to take trips together?

why is he just married to his work?

why does he feel the money is just his? 

Why does he not communicate?

why does he hate me?

what did I do?

why does he shut me out?

why does he answer a question with a question verses answering the question directly?

what is he afraid of?

where is my husband I married, loved, shared everything with, and had a child with?

I asked him to put me on all 5 bank accounts, house, cars and ect. He refused said I just want his money. I don't think I am being unreasonable I am tired of begging for money to go do the basic things in life like pay our sons soccer, go grocery shopping, buy our son clothes ect.. I am always to him his money problem. He told me he will never do that and if I didn't like the way things are then do what I need to do. I belive he is waiting on me to make the first move in filing for a divorce. I can't live in fear. I make excuses to friends that don't know I am not allowed on accounts when they ask if we can go to dinner (I don't have the money). We have $75,000 in savings accounts, and $100,000 in 401k. He makes $4,5000 a month. He works almost 7 days a week and 2 of those days he paid volunteers to work. He is married to his job. 

My last straw before is divorce him and take everything from him.

HELP ME HELP HIM. I GIVE UP ANGRY MAD AND ABOUT TO DIVORCE 

First of all, I'm new to this forum.  Today is my first day, and this is my first post.  I happened upon this website accidentally while trying to research info about ADHD.  My husband is undiagnosed, but he has ALL of the symptoms:  I want to clarify that I love him, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I can't imagine my life without him...he's a great guy, and he is a wonderful man, but there is just something wrong...and it's ADHD.

Trouble focusing or concentrating - most times he can't focus under the best of circumstances, and if there is ANYTHING going on around him, he might as well forget it.
Restlessness - he can't relax - he can barely make it through a 30-minute TV show - he always has to skip the commercials and any "boring" parts (aka conversation without action)
Impulsivity - When he wants something, whether it be a new gadget or sex - he wants it right then, and he won't take no for an answer.
Difficulty completing tasks - there are probably 50 unfinished projects around our house - that he absolutely HAD to start right this minute - but never got around to finishing
Disorganization - his truck, his desk at home..all look like a tornado has just passed through
Low frustration tolerance - he can't stand for things to not go 100% smoothly
Frequent mood swings - one minute he's the greatest guy ever, and the next he's SO angry at me (or someone) about nothing
Hot temper - like I said, he gets SO angry, sometimes violent, over NOTHING.
Trouble coping with stress - that's the understatement of the year
Unstable relationships - every day is a struggle for our marriage - and he doesn't seem to be able to maintain close friendships.  

But there is SO MUCH more.  It's all of the little things...he never puts anything away, he always leaves cabinet doors open.  One day, I was about to take out the trash and he said he would do it when he went out.  I said no, I was going to do it because I didn't want it to be sitting around in the house...this escalated into an argument.  I know it sounds trivial, but EVERY time he says he'll take out the trash when he goes out to the shop, it ends up sitting there, beside the door for at least a day, until I take it out.  EVERYTHING is this way.  And then there's his anger/paranoia...he doesn't trust anyone.  One day, he found a reel loosened in his shop, and he SWORE he didn't do it. So, obviously, someone had picked the lock, went in there and loosed up the screws in that one fishing reel - just to mess with him.  That seemed so ridiculous to me.  I really tried to be understanding and supportive, but... it's this way about everything.  At least a couple of times a week, he finds something something is messed up, someone did it to him - he's even accused me of some pretty ridiculous stuff.  I can't go anywhere or do anything unless I do it with his mom or someone in his family - not my girlfriends - because two of them are divorced, and if I go out with them - even to a restaurant - I'll be trying to pick up men.  He accuses me of checking out other guys when we're out.  This has gotten so bad, that I refuse to make eye contact or even look in the general direction of a male.  If I mention any of my male co-workers, I'm attracted to them.  One of my co-workers is a guy that I have known my whole life - he is very happily married with two kids, and we work closely together, but if I mention anything that happened at work, I have to be careful what I say so as not to set my husband off.  

By the way, his mom...has been wonderful.  She is helping me encourage him to see a doctor....

And about the doctor...he went to a doctor last year, but he wasn't honest about what was going on.  Of course, he didn't want me to go with him.  So, he came back with a prescription for a mild form of xanax for his "anxiety."  Apparently, all he told the doctor was that he was overly stressed and he was getting a little angry because of his stress and anxiety.  Then, after he came home, he ended up getting upset at the doctor and said the doctor was just a pill pusher who had no interest in really helping my husband, just getting him hooked on xanax.  Well, the doctor was the same one that I had been seeing for years.  He's a good doctor, he listens, takes time and tries to diagnose - but he can't treat what he doesn't know about...so he has an appointment with a different doctor in a couple of weeks...

Well up until a month ago my marriage was over. My husband had moved out, we were both blaming each other after many years of trying, failing, trying again, making agreements that would last for a month or so and then things would go back to how they were before. The ending of the marriage (we have been together 12 years and married for 10) was so fast and so brutal I barely had time to think. I started counseling almost immediately as I was REALLY struggling to deal with the fact that my husband had moved out, was already on dating websites and seemingly fine without me!  He had cut himself off from his friends, was going out clubbing and drinking.  All the signs pointed to a mid life crisis. Even my counselor thought so, and thought he would be back, tail between his legs when he had time to think things through.  

I got to thinking about his behaviour and the many many MANY times I had yelled at him that he was weird, not wired up right, had the emotional range of a teaspoon, was more interested in anything but me, how he never listened, how he was lazy, how I was sick of being his mother, how he spent more time with his friends than with me, or when he was here that he was on his phone, how he would never engage in social situations and would want to leave after an hour if it was with my friends, how the lack of intimacy in our sex life had made it feel like just another chore and how it was like being married to Peter bloody Pan - the boy who never grew up!! (seeing any common themes here!!!) However it was ONE comment that he had been making for YEARS that I had never really paid attention to before - about how he could never "switch his brain off" that I actually listened to for the first time.  I texted him out of the blue after we had not spoken for a long while in anything other but anger and asked him if he had always always been like that and how it felt.  He seemed surprised that I was asking and obviously was more than a little wary of where my line of thinking was going.... I brought up the subject of ADHD and asked if it had ever been mentioned anywhere in his life.  He said no (however given his narcissistic parents this isn't a major shock - he was pretty much left to his own devices as a child) The things he had told me over the years started to click into place - how he always felt different, Didn't have many friends at school, was bullied for being different, how amazingly creative he is, how warm and forgiving he can be... (again anything familiar?!?)  Anyway.... Here I am on this forum - having just finished reading the book. 

WOW is all I can say - I feel like Melissa has been watching my life and taking notes and has now written about us.  I have cried, I have had many light bulb moments, I have laughed and most of all I honestly feel that the demise of my marriage was not only necessary to give us the space to try and sort our heads out, but also without the knowledge of maybe we had been dealing with ADHD of the high possibility (Husband is undiagnosed as yet, but has taken the first step in getting diagnosed - SO proud of him for that) that the end of our marriage was probably pretty much inevitable.  This book really is like a text book of our marriage!  It is heartening to see so many of you also felt the same, I no longer feel depressed and full of rage, but I feel very hopeful that my husband and I (who says he is feeling lighter and lighter every chapter he is reading) can begin to try DIFFERENTLY. We have begun dating and spending time together and talking on a level we NEVER have before. We both never stopped loving each other which is a GREAT start, but we have played the blame game for what feels like forever and having that explained in great detail is a huge weight off my shoulders and I no longer feel angry with him - (which is a first for many years!) He is a ways behind in the book but keeps calling me to REALLY Validate my feelings and apologise for how he never really understood how his actions must have made me feel.  I am SO incredibly proud of him for not telling me to f*** off when I suggested he may have ADHD and his willingness to try and figure our marriage out together that I am hopeful (if not quite scared lol) of a possible future together again.

I do have a few questions though that maybe some of you would be able to help with.

1. We are in the UK and after 1st trip to the doctors (Booked himself by my hubby - the FIRST doctors appointment he has made for himself in 12 years!!) it seems that getting an actual diagnosis is going to be VERY long winded and that we are going to have one hell of a fight on our hands, the doctor did not even seem to take hubby seriously and did not even in fact ask him any questions that I would have thought a doctor should have asked him (nothing about why he feels he has ADHD, symptoms etc) and actually asked him if this "wasn't an excuse to just get his wife back" I was FURIOUS!!! However disheartening as it seems, hubby still seems focused on trying to get a diagnosis so we are looking into the possibility of private treatment. My question is this... Is it worth still going down the self treatment options even though he is undiagnosed?  I am being very careful not to diagnose him myself even though the book as I said is textbook of our whole marriage. He has been all over this forum and had ordered himself omega 3 and 2 other natural alternatives (names I cannot pronounce!) that were suggested by Nancie - does a formal diagnosis (other than access to prescription medication) even matter if he is able to garner the tools and support from this very forum and the books and the couples seminar? Do any of you have any knowledge in this that would be helpful either on the diaganosis side or of the alternative medicines that he wants to try?

2. I have read the feedback on the couples seminar and wondered if this really would be a good route to go down? (trying to find ADHD specific counseling here is proving as easy as finding hens teeth) given the fact as I said he is undiagnosed.  My feelings at this point is "what have we got to lose?" we are living separately and I am unwilling to move back in together until we have better coping strategies and desperately do not want things to go back to "how they were before" Is the seminar something that we would be able to do while living apart?  Again and thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.