I would love to know how many other wives of ADHD husbands have found that they have a persistent cannabis habit - that does not escalate into drug addiction, but that probably makes their ADHD symptoms worse? I was terribly naive about this as well, believing him when he promised to give up when we got married, and then when I noticed he was sitting at home smoking instead of getting a job, when the first baby was born. Of course he did not, but sort of learned to hide it from me. I also always wanted to believe his promises. I think now that he was stoned all the time, and I don't know what he is like not stoned. I read on another site that cannabis is by far the most common form of self medication for ADHD, leading to all kinds of other problems. I now realise that he 'cared for' our youngest son while stoned a lot of the time, not surprising he let him go to a large public park alone aged 9, without even a telephone on several occasions after I left him. I was intent on being decent and honourable about making sure youngest saw his father - luckily I found out about this behaviour and was so shocked I did not even get angry, but managed to put a stop to it.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Cannabis by: Linsy 10 years 11 months ago
- Marriage Difficulties/Not Yet Diagnosed ADHD by: JEM0428 10 years 11 months ago
I am brand new to this site and this is my first post...sorry in advance if I ramble.
I came looking for a site where I could find some help for my marriage. It's currently in big trouble. Over the years my husband and I have had a great deal of issues I've seen other people posting about: financial strain, under-appreciation, disorganization, blaming each other, etc. However, I have recently discovered that my husband has been texting other women secretly, behind my back and when I realized what was going on lied his face off about it. I'm pretty sure that the only line that has been crossed is secretive flirting, but I have no way to be 100% positive. This is the second time we have been down this same road. The first time was about 4 years ago. On top of all our usual struggles, I feel like this is a last straw. I'm crushed. I feel like I've invested everything into our marriage and family and he's tossed it away like it meant nothing.
For a little more of the back story, all 3 of our children are diagnosed with ADHD. I have assumed I've had it since I was a teenager, but never did anything about it. I've always recognized it in my husband, but he has vehemently denied it...until now.
Since our current state of marital distress began two weeks ago, he has now said that he is willing to seek diagnosis and treatment for ADHD. Ironically, in last week I received an email newsletter about the ways that ADHD can wreck a marriage. I forwarded the email to him and he totally saw himself in it. He feels horrible about what he's done and he's promising the world to try to make everything right. But..
How much of this can I realistically expect to change by having us both diagnosed?
- To leave or not leave by: gert 10 years 11 months ago
My husband and I have had problems all through our 10.5 years of marriage. There is no short list to list all but within the last year our son was diagnosed with ADHD and possibly bi-polar. Then my husband was diagnosed with ADHD but I also feel there is an undiagnosed bi-polar that is playing a part as well. My ADHD husband barely has a part time job so he keeps our son around school and he is better at finances then me so he does our finances. So in his eyes he feels as if he does everything and as he says he has to do everything for me as well bc I do nothing. He is extremely controlling to the point of following me around on a regular basis to see what I'm doing or what I haven't done and to point out the numerous flaws in all. He goes into tirades about how I'm always negative and everything I do is wrong and any words I may use to say the things he says to me are hurtful he negates them and turns my words around and uses them to say I am that way to him. I have been extremely verbally abused. We tried to go to counseling and I just think of the words the couselor said. Abuse is abuse. I feel I'm wrong if I stay bc I'm accepting the abuse but I feel I'm wrong if I leave bc I'm abandoning him and the family and my commitment I made to God and I love the man that I know he is but has not been really since our son was born but in ways before that. He's never really been in the marrige, he's always had 1 foot out the door. But counseling seemed to be going well even though the counselor was pretty hard on him. First day going into the session though was just a verbal barrage of all the things I do wrong. All little trivial things. Things were getting better till a trigger it seems happened over the holidays and then the whole weekend in front of family everything I said was met with extreme hatred. Extreme. Then he said he wanted a divorce bc I don't do anything and am nice and all but worthless. This lasted 3 days. Then he didn't apologize. He doesn't do that anymore. He just sent a text that maybe we could do some crazy meditation therapy. That was him telling me he didn't really want a divorce. These are always all things I think he feels about himself (never anything I say to him) but he turns it around on me. I feel abused in the home and embarrased in public bc he gets drunk and throws out insults to me in front of everyone. So now I feel alone in my home but not wanting to do anything in public either. I think this is a control thing for him as well. I think the holiday weekend he had a trigger and had a non diagnosed polar moment? So I feel I'm crazy to stay in a verbally abusive relationship but I have a son and I got married for life? He has been extremely nice again for the past week and then when he gets around his friends he insults me and in public he gets drunk and is quick to get angry at me when I talk to him..... Am I crazy for staying. Will he ever see the abuse?
- He told me he feels broken by: crossingfingers... 10 years 11 months ago
My bf told me that he feels "broken" in that he doesn't think he experiences emotions the way other people do. He said he reads about how some people experience feelings and that he doesn't have a similar experience. I asked him for an example, and he said he doesn't really cry or experience sadness. We have talked about him possibly having ADD before, but he hasn't looked into it, probably because it will make him feel bad about himself.
This came out during an argument about how we have trust issues with each other. His response is fight and/or flight, and we don't have much emotional intimacy. I started to open up to him about recent thoughts I was having about porn and commoditization of sex/women, and his first response was to tell me what he disagreed with about what I said. He starts a lot of conversations that way, which makes me feel invalidated. I felt defensive and accidentally said something in a mocking tone, and he flipped. After he threatened to walk out, he said I shouldn't feel like he is undermining our relationship when he tries to leave because his intention is to only walk away from one fight. I tried to tell him that his intentions don't change how his actions make me feel. I compared it to him flipping out when he was upset about how I said something, and when I was trying to explain that it was an accident, he thought I was invalidating his feelings. He said they are not the same situations because "in the moment" I would have told him that "I meant it" (which I didn't), whereas in the moment he told me why he was trying to leave. That makes no sense to me. Then he told me he loves me and is bad at showing it.
Part of his trust issues come from growing up in a family where no one trusts each other. They always stab each other in the back with personal information. Combine that with the fact that he was always made fun of growing up and therefore loses his temper in self-defense instantly, and the odds are against me.
I am worried about him, and about myself. We love each other a lot, and it is hurting us that we can't get past this. I really need advice; I am tired of getting beat up for trying to have conversations with him. I can't promise to be a perfect person, which seems to be the condition for him trusting me. I feel like I have tried everything, and I am running out of ideas. I know I can't fix his trust issues single-handedly or what he feels like are his broken emotional responses. I love him and he is so hard on me and unforgiving.
- Non-ADHD Spouse by: Blurry 10 years 11 months ago I am the ADHD husband. Had it my whole life. Even saw a psych when I was a kid. Parents took me trying to figure out why this and that. He never diagnosed it. Now I'm married with a beautiful wife, breast cancer survivor, and two wonderful children(one with ADHD). Would not trade any of them. When I first read the book, I was trying to figure out how I was being followed so well without me knowing it. I have all of the problems that the book describes. Right now I am in a serious funk. Changing meds to see if something works better and am looking for a new counselor, one that will focus on the ADHD. Current counselor talks about the problems I am having with my lady when the book shows that I still have issues with the ADHD. I know that I still have issues, but thought it was better controlled. Go figure. Read a book and realize that may not be the case. So why write all of this? One quote from my wife. "I think it's non existent. Because I think it's a reason just to do what you want to do, when you want top do it and how you want to do it."
- Losing hope - where did my husband go? by: Maggie moo 10 years 11 months ago
It is my first time posting here and it is probably too late for my marriage of nearly 20 years. My husband was just diagnosed a few months back, and has taken it incredibly hard. He won't go to couples therapy, claiming it is too expensive, yet he just spent nearly $50,000 on a remodeling project we didn't agree to do. We had been working on the ADHD marriage home course, which he only agreed to after I threatened to leave. He listened to the first couple sessions with me, but never did the homework, and then just stopped showing up to the dates we set.
We've had our ups and downs, but have had a really good life. Things started going horrifically bad this summer. I guess it started when he became obsessed with a specific graphic video he found on-line, which he wanted me to re-create in the bedroom. He basically had no interest in sex aside from this very narrow and specific act (which I was not comfortable with) and would actually just turn off in the middle of love making when he knew it wouldn’t happen - he was so fixated on it. He would also complain that I always wanted an emotional connection during sex. He broke numerous bedroom dates, and got angry when I was upset he didn't show up. For example, I would come home for our date to find out he had gone out to meet a friend for a drink instead.
About six months ago he exploded after a failed bedroom date saying that we've never been compatible in life or in the bedroom, that we have nothing in common, and he should set me free. His parents are happier with their second marriages, the house next door might be for sale so maybe he could move there to be close to the kids, etc. It was devastating. Honestly, he doesn't carry his weight around the house and isn’t exactly a picnic – I pay the bills, shop, cook, handle taxes, insurance, yard work, household projects, everything, and I have been incredibly frustrated, but never thought about divorce.
The last six months have been a painful hell as he has continued to withdraw further. He just feels emotionally dead. I admit I probably am not warm and fuzzy myself - I feel awfully wounded and guarded. He is out more than he is home, usually 15+ hours a week in the evenings, frequently coming home at 2-3am, yet when he is home sleeps the day away. And we have two kids! I confronted him about three weeks ago, sure he was having an affair. He would be on his phone constantly when he's with me - even when we went on a rare date together, but never answers my calls when he's out. He doesn't wear his wedding ring, always has his phone with him, etc. And has not shown an interest sex for over six months.I realize I shouldn't have done it, but I saw his phone charging while he was in the shower a couple weeks ago and I looked - discovering he set up a separate e-mail account and was exchanging graphic e-mails and photos with someone. I confronted him and he has been incredibly angry with me. He says I violated his trust by snooping, that I have ruined our marriage. That it was nothing and only a problem because I know about it. He has shown no remorse, only anger directed at me. I did ask him some questions about how it came about. He said it just happened, there was an ad for a singles dating site and he just did a trial, no big deal. Really? He created a fake e-mail address, created a fake profile, and exchanged numerous emails through a singles dating site! He took action, it didn’t just happen.
Now he says he’ll work on the chore inequality, but not the romantic, affectionate or sexual aspect of our relationship because that is too much for him. I feel like a single mom. It is incredibly lonely. I’ve asked him to leave, but he says he won’t do that to the kids and that I’m obviously not thinking about our children. He doesn’t see that they must feel the tension and see his angry outbursts, though we don’t fight together in front of them. I have moved thousands of miles away from my family to be near his, and he is bringing in our only income since I lost my job. I feel so devastated by the loss of our family, and utterly powerless to improve our marriage. I’ve downloaded the ADHD Marriage session, bought the book, made therapy appointments he won’t go to, tried to make dates, meet him on his terms, and he has done nothing. He’s just throwing it all away. I can’t eat or sleep, can barely function. I don’t know where the man I love went, but I don’t see him in the person I’m living with. Trying to keep up a front for his family, our neighbors, our kids is so incredibly painful. I have confided in my family that we are having serious problems, and when he found out my family had a hint that anything was wrong he blew up at me saying that I was making things worse. But I need their support. I am in agony.
Throughout it all it’s nice to know there is a group of people who may be going through similar situations. Just reading the posts of others on this board has helped me to feel just a little less crazy.
- Incessant stonewalling when he says he wants to improve things??? by: Sowondrous 10 years 11 months ago
My boyfriend and I are on the verge of a breakup after 7 years. He says he is miserable being away from me and will do anything to work it out.
Apparently, anything does not include discussing my feelings and problems. He has gone to see an ADHD specialist but is already talking trash about him because he is "smug," whatever the hell that means. He will listen for 10-15 minutes before he insists on getting off the phone. When I got angry because I didn't feel heard, he said i am insecure and "emotionally retarded." He says he is too but we are the same in that regard. After having been attending weekly therapy for a year and having him agree that I am much better in my self-esteem issues, I highly disagree. He says that I act like everything has to be on my terms and that I am bossy. Actually, I just let him steamroll me for years and have stopped taking it. But now I'm overbearing according to him. It is like talking to an alien. I have no idea why he says he wants to be with me. I want to tear my hair out. How could I be with such a lunatic for years?
- Denial by: Linsy 10 years 11 months ago
It has been over three years now since I reached the end of a very frayed tether and stopped living with my husband. He drifted off into the irresponsible life of a teenager, fully financially supported by his family and occasionally dipping in and out of the children's lives. While I got on with the business of being the parent, making sure the children were ok, while feeling certain things within me breaking apart with the effort of 'bearing it'. I work freelance so it was terrifying financially as well, and in a hyperstressful field where I have to react quickly to new stuff and new people all the time. The fear of failure hangs over me, and I just bear it. I am 55 so being that flexible is even more exhausting. Luckily I don't really look 55 I think, although I may be deluding myself.
What is really difficult for me to understand is the thick high walls of denial. He simply says exactly what he likes and gets away with it, because his family support him. He has now found a girlfriend - he told me I could have him back as long as I did not continue to ask for changes, or he would go off with her. I told him this was unacceptable, so he went off with her, and took the children to see her and started integrating her into his family. We are not divorced.
And now it is Christmas, and putting on a brave face is vital. But I am exhausted, sad and troubled about my own ability to keep going and going, while I watch him relax and live the life he wants of no work, no responsibility, no consistent acknowledgement of his parenthood. One of the denials is that he has ADHD, but not a day goes by when he does not prove that he has - his impulsiveness led him to have a very serious accident. Both boys have now been diagnosed, separately (one is an adult) and both are successfully medicated. The youngest is 12, and the turnaround at school is near miraculous, with his teachers describing him as a revelation. And yet my husband cannot see the very same issues in himself which have led to this point in our lives. Even his younger sister now has a diagnosis, and has been tracking the traits up her family tree.
My feeling is that if he got help with his ADHD and still chose the life he lives, with all the hurt for me and my children, then I would accept it. It is knowing that ADHD wrecked my marriage (not the least my own increasingly angry reaction to being let down colliding with the menopause) and that the other party in this mess refuses even to accept the possibility, which is causing me so much pain now. I know people say I should 'move on' and 'be brave' and 'get counselling' but actually none of that helps. Only the knowledge that I brought us through (me and the children) and we have made some progress and they are ok (I hope). I am not ok and don't know how to change that. I feel used up and abandoned.
- Are there any other double AD(H)D marriages out there... by: Djk3030 10 years 11 months ago
I just recently found this site and have been reading. I've only found one other poster, ChaosQueen, who has said that they were in a double AD(H)D marriage and just like her I read so much that is relevant to my situation but none that share the larger more complicated picture of being in a double ADD marriage. Is there anyone else out there...
I am male, mid 40's and was formally diagnosed with ADD (no H) about 10 years ago, though I began suspecting in my very early 30's but didn't want to admit it. I feel I have to a large degree "overcome" it in that it is well managed with 72mg of Concerta and a fairly strict and diligent routine to prevent the common lost keys, missed bills, forgotten appointments, etc. I have also come to grips with what types of activities I can accomplish and what I absolutely will not be able to do acceptably which led me many years ago, in fact even before being diagnosed, to change careers from accounting to that of a technology professional for a very large and demanding company. In this new career I have succeeded far better than I ever envisioned myself doing mostly through a series of unplanned blessings provided for me to stumble into by a very benevolent Heavenly Father. My current bosses are aware of my condition and have amazingly worked with me to find ways to leverage my talents and strengths while minimizing the non-normal challenges that my ADD adds, and for this I am immensely grateful. This was not the case at my prior employer for 15 years up until 6 years ago. In my home relationship I am definitely the parent in the dynamic as all of the finances, planning of most kinds, reconciling, etc all fall on me; this despite all of my attempts to suppress that dynamic and be as equal with my wife as feasibly possible. I am fairly well organized and have developed processes, locations and lists to help keep track of most everything. Being a technology professional I have also found ways to apply technology so as to help me overcome many of the ADD challenges that I face on a daily basis.
My wife of so far 18 years is 2 years younger than I and was diagnosed with ADD (also no H) a few years after I was when I began understanding the condition and seeing the previously misunderstood symptoms manifesting in her as well. She also takes 54mg of Concerta and has for several years but we have both come to recognize recently that it probably isn't the right med for her. She has also overcome much adversity in life, much of it due to ADD induced hindrances, and has attained a masters degree in teaching and become a very gifted kindergarten teacher. She has a passion and magic about her when it comes to small children that awes me. I often feel like the spouse of a rock star when we go shopping as invariably we will run into a child that she had in her class often years earlier and they still remember her and want to give her a hug. Amazingly she will always without fail still remember their names, all of their siblings, parents and more. She can't remember to drop off the mortgage payment I gave her just 30 minutes prior but she never forgets a child and every detail about them.
Her difficulties in her work lie in all of the increasingly demanding bureaucratic overhead that has begun to be thrust upon the education profession by voter pleasing politicians and politician pleasing educational bureaucracies. This overhead only keeps her from being able to teach most effectively and because of it's displeasing nature to her it takes her 2-5 times longer to perform than her peers. This time and energy commitment basically leaves her little left for the rest of us, which is a problem. On top of that my wife is an unorganized disaster and we have heaps and stacks of educational materials and supplies everywhere. Lots of our personal money is tied up in all this stuff that only burdens us with "stuff management" issues that we are ill prepared to deal with. When the disorganization begins to pile up excessively in our primary living spaces, sometimes to the point of having what I call "hoarder paths" through the house, and I begin to feel the shame and embarrassment of this then we are primed for the periodic explosions that have come to cost our marriage so dearly.
I try very hard to be understanding, empathetic and encouraging, which I feel I should be able to do since I deal with all of the same issues but this all goes unnoticed and instead the focus is on my "controlling" when I try to help her bring some order to the chaos despite my experience in dealing with the same types of issues. She also doesn't want me messing with her stuff so instead I focus on helping keep the laundry, dishes and vacuuming done in addition to the typical male yard work, automotive and honey-do items, but this carries no recognition in the light of the hard feelings toward me for confronting the oppressive unacceptable disorganization. This resentment in turn has destroyed our sex life, which is not non-existent but has no initiation, passion, intimacy or desire on her part except when she's had a bit too much to drink (which we very rarely ever partake in for many reasons).
We also have 2 teenage kids, a very smart and creative but underachieving boy also with ADD (no H) and on Concerta, and a high achieving girl who naturally has the focus of an owl, incredible self motivation and drive and the determination to achieve absolutely everything she sets her mind to. I don't know where she gets it, couldn't be from us, but I don't remember adopting her either. :) The dynamic of parenting these two vastly different personalities has its own challenges and costs as well, but I feel these problems are merely side shows to the big show that is our disorganization and undependability. They're both really good kids with no real problems, but I fear our problems will eventually damage them.
My wife and I seem to both have different types of ADD where off my meds I shut down, retreat inwards, become Walter Mitty and can't make myself do anything that isn't mentally entertaining. She on the other hand is more classical ADD (without H) and is undependable in remembering tasks or anything unimportant to her and wholly unorganized not wanting to take the time to put things where they belong and as a consequence losing everything when it is needed (so we go buy more if that solves the problem for now).
So I'd really like to hear from any other double AD(H)D couples, the issues you deal with, how you deal with them and what does and doesn't work for you. Thanks much.
- Husband lies, spends, etc etc but now he's cheated. Do I stay or go? by: Anonymous (not verified) 10 years 11 months ago
Hi I really need an outsiders perspective on my situation.
I've been married to my ADHD husband for 9 yrs and we have 3 small children. I've always known he had ADD as a kid but when he finished school he stopped taking medication and thought he could cope. He convinced me (and himself) that he didn't really need it anymore.
He has always been hopeless with money, changed his plans constantly, made decisions without thinking, and lied when he thought he could get away with it. But the good times far outweighed the bad and we were happy. I am the yin to his yang and I paid the bills, kept things in check, took care of the children, constantly reminded him of events, etc.
Until the last 6 months. Things somehow changed. I don't know exactly what started it but we both got more and more stressed, his lack of consideration for me or the kids led me to withdraw from him. He started going out more than usual, at odd hours. He wouldn't or couldn't take care if the important stuff in life. The easy tasks would get finished but anything unpleasant or hard just never got looked at. My resentment for this grew and grew. I decided that I would just start worrying about me, and my kids, and he could live his own life. But I couldn't stop caring so i just kept getting hurt. Over and over.
Things finally came to a head and i rang him at 1am to see where he was and I told him not to bother coming home. I thought that if he came home then there was hope and we could talk, if he didn't then I'd made the right decision.
he disappeared for two days. Then he came home on the Wednesday afternoon begging forgiveness, promising change etc etc. So I agreed to try. He promised that our family was all he wanted and he'd do whatever he had to to make things right. We took our kids out to a Christmas party and when we got home he headed to bed early. I stayed up still fretting about everything. When I went into our room to go to bed at about midnight, his phone rang. Weird, I thought so I checked it and found all these texts and calls to another girl. All from that day. The day he's telling me all he wants is us, and then calling and texting her while we're out with our kids. Telling her she's the only one he wants and a lot of other hurtful things I don't want to think about.
i confronted him and he tried to lie. I took my kids and left.
its now a week later and he's been to see his doctor who said he needs ADHD medication again, and this might explain a lot of his behaviour. He's full of guilt and remorse and good intentions, but yesterday he asked if it was ok to call me in the evening. I agreed which took a lot for me to do because talking to him is still really painful, and guess what? No call.
Am I fighting a losing battle here? If I go back am I just letting him get away with it? I don't want my kids to pay the price for any of this either. I'm so lost. Any help, guidance, anything would be appreciated.