Looking for a support group in Toronto, Ontario for non-ADHD spouses. Does anyone know of one? Would anyone be interested in starting one? I think that many of us are in the same boat, where we feel very alone, with no one to talk to about this, because either people do not believe us, or they don't have the context of understanding Adult ADHD, and how it manifests itself so differently from the hyper children that I think most people imagine. Oh how I would love to have someone to talk to who understands my experience of living and raising two children with an ADHD spouse.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Support Groups for Non-ADHD Spouse by: Clara 10 years 11 months ago
- "Say Something" lyrcis by: HurtButHopeful 10 years 11 months ago
I don't know if this song is in heavy rotation in all of your radio markets yet, but it is here and I feel it really expresses the anguish some of us are going through...not wanting to leave our ADHD partners, but feeling at the end of our rope. And then silent or in denial...
I have not closed the door on my relationship, but it may have been closed for me. 2 weeks ago I left his house after a fight (he's pissed cuz he feels blamed for everything, I'm pissed cuz I feel neglected and feel he needs to get evaluated for ADHD...) and I have not heard from him since.
Here are the lyrics...but I recommend listening to the song...so sad, so powerful...makes me bawl every time.
A Great Big World (featuring Christina Aguilera)
"Say Something"Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something... - Pregnant and abandoned by ADHD husband by: Nathalie.Borg 10 years 11 months ago
Hi everyone,
This is the first time I am seeking advise on a forum. I am 9 months pregnant and abandoned by ADHD husband four months ago. Basically he went to vacation to see his family abroad when I was 5 months pregnant and never returned. I had a bleeding episode while he was away and after contacting him he showed no emotional response or any concern, which I found extremely hurtful. In the heat of an argument I told him not to come back and he took the offer (very easily).
He is in his late 30s, has no history of holding a steady job, his family was giving him monthly allowance. Now all he wants is to find a job, has grandiose ideas about businesses he is going to start and well paid jobs that he is going to get.
I invited him back more than once, but all he sees is his own hurt and rejection and he turns everything against me and blames me for everything. It is now my fault for not finding him a job, he was a servant and a housemaid to me. This could not be any further from truth in reality! I accepted all his claims and offered so many constructive proposals of how we can re/organise and readjust our lives, but his answers never respond to my questions and he contradicts himself three times in each sentence. He will be back only for the child, he will never be back and then he will come back only if he sees my proposals put in action.
I had more than one pregnancy related complication as a result of terrible stress that I have been exposed to, and I am not sure what to do any more. There is a lot of his family involvement too, they refuse to see that he has issues he needs to address and give all the leniency to justify his behavior. Himself and everyone around his seem to have outside control locus, everything is the fault of someone else not himself.
The worst thing is being torn: on one hand I still love him and remember good things about our marriage. On the other hand I feel such strong sense of betrayal and being abandoned by someone so easily with whom I planned a child and family. How can he do such a cruel thing without being even aware of the degree of cruelty of his actions.....
Can anyone please give me any tips on how to get through to him, how to talk to him and make him come back.
I am at a complete loss...
- A little levity by: OMT2013 10 years 11 months ago
It's been a hard few days for me, but I have a new favorite joke. I hope it makes you smile as you face the challenges of today.
"I have OCD and ADD - everything MUST be in it's place, but only for a little while." ;-)
Happy Wednesday!
- My wife refuses to acknowledge ADHD's impact on marriage by: CTJohn245 10 years 11 months ago
We have been married for 14 years. I came into the marriage with a history of depression. There is no question that the holidays have been a trigger of sorts bringing me into low moods. However, my wife comes from a family significantly affected by ADHD. She has all of the hallmarks of it - hyperfocus, distractibility, forgetfulness etc...
We have gone through some really bad years where divorce was seriously considered. We always seemed to be angry at each other. One of our issues is that I would complain about lack of sex/intimacy and she blames all of our woes on my depression. I have always had problems with the fact that pretty much everything in her life takes priority over me. On her side, division of chores was a big issue for her. Other issues have been over her refusal to go back to work after all of the kids were in school. There was never any resolution and the same issues kept popping up over and over. To address my contributions to the problems, I engaged in therapy and obtained medication. I am happy to say that my depression has been largely alleviated. l also made concerted efforts at holding up my end of things around the house. But even after alleviating the depression from our relationship and , she still seemed constantly angry at me.
After addressing every issue that she had communicated to me and her still being angry at me, I began to mention divorce (prior to that, it had been her that brought it up). I told her that I had done everything humanly possible to address her issues that made her angry and she was STILL angry with me. I told her I can do better than living life with some one who cannot be happy with me.
Pretty quickly after that, she went on medication for ADHD and it was as if a miracle had occurred. All of the sudden, she was able to pay attention to me and communicate on a deeper level that we had previously. Things were much better.
She has stayed on the medication and does not seem to have the constant anger towards me, but some of the ADHD patterns continue to haunt our marriage. Last weekend, I had a minor emergency and needed her help. She was at the hospital as her sister was being discharged (literally leaving the hospital - boyfriend and father were both there to help and no major medical issues for the sister). When I called her for help, she simply refused to help and told me to ask someone else. I was very angry, as me being any kind of priority in her life has always been an open question. She can hyperfocus on a million different issues, but can find little energy to pay attention to me.
This weekend, it was a crafts project. While I cleaned the house and did the laundry and drove the kids around, she put in around 20 hours on her crafts project. It's gotten so normal for her to "check out" on weekends that I pretty much just accept it. This coming weekend, she's going skiing.
After the hospital incident, I told her that I was angry that I could not rely on her for help and she informed me that"a hundred times out of a hundred - she would choose to stay with her sister. Ouch. When we tried to talk about it, she simply shouted over anything i had to say about how her ADHD affects our marriage and insisted that all of our issues are my problem, that this is just my holiday blues cropping up again and that I have to figure out how to handle it. If nothing else, I find it hugely disrespectful that she won't even consider my viewpoint on the issue. This is not the first time she has told me when I brought up ADHD that - this is how she is and I better figure out how to deal with it.
These issue is long standing but relatively newly discovered (last two year). ADHD is rampant in her family, so she probably has no idea regarding what non-ADHD relationships look like. I love her and don't want to break up, so I am just in a holding pattern right now. Keeping my distance and trying to figure things out. I becoming a bit hopeless. If she keeps blaming me and won't even acknowledge the role ADHD plays in our marriage - what hope is there?
So that's where I am - any advice on how to deal with this situation would be greatly appreciated.
- Our attribution breakthrough: ADHD as a symptom of CoDependence by: StateOfBeing 10 years 11 months ago
I wanted to share this in case it's relevant and helpful for anyone else out there, and also because I'm so happy about it...
My relationship with my long-term ADHD-diagnosed partner has had the most remarkable breakthrough.
It began when we read a book called "Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls" by Robert Burney. Then, individually, we did some telephone counselling with the author. There's also a website: www.joy2meu.com
For my partner, there was an enormous need to tackle issues of family dysfunction from childhood; it had mounted over his life, layer upon layer, into an impenetrable fort that meant that in his personal relationships he was not able to communicate or express honestly, in the moment, but would avoid, deflect, conceal, be 'out of focus' etc.
He's had an incredible awakening of sorts, literally like a key finally fitting the lock and the door opening. He is here, has arrived - not in a heightened (hyper-focused) way, but just like everyone can breathe at last; there is flow and exchange.
It's as though the ADHD was not 'the' thing, but a symptom.
Now it's like he is seeing the world freshly, able to give and receive, speak and listen, here and now, process experiences differently...
Love!
- ADHD & Habitual lying? (UPDATE) see latest post by: navywifeobx 10 years 11 months ago
Hello all.
Well my husband and I had a long talk today, and i feel a little better knowing he left out a few "key" details as to everything that has happened. I believe my husband has ADHD, (He did as a child severely) and i believe he developed lying as a way to avoid "disappointing" others such as his parents etc. He admitted to me tonight that, he lies to me basically after he has done something impulsive with money because he doesn't want to disappoint me. He realizes he needs help for his behavior and is seeking help. He will be scheduling an appointment this week for a full evaluation, hopefully confirming adult adhd & providing him with behavioral counseling/meds to help his behavior. Does anyone elses husband habitually lie to avoid disappointing others?
UPDATE----
6/11/2014
Well it has been a very long time since I have last logged into this website. I've been dealing with personal issues of my own after the birth & post partum period after having my daughter. It seems dealing with all of this and my husband, I developed depression. I now feel MUCH better, now that I am on the correct medication, I am feeling back to my old self. Anyways, my husband has been in individual counseling for a while now, he was forthcoming about his history & having ADHD as a child. The Navy did not kick him out etc. We have also been in marital counseling for a while. It seems to be helping, but i have my days where I become extremely frustrated. He has done much better, recently set up his paycheck to go into my checking account. (He mostly has issues with impulses regarding money). He admits his faults etc, I finally put my foot down and told him this is what has to happen, in order to get our finances straight.
I have noticed one thing in particular, my husband seems to hate discussing things especially after one of his impulses. He feels attacked, and he will talk about the situation once and that's it. I feel he has a low self esteem, he says he hates disappointing people. He feels I criticize him a lot and it makes him feel guilty. This drives me crazy, but I am trying to learn. I told him I myself have faults, and I am not perfect, that i want to help etc. I just feel his ADD etc must not be that bad, he can hold down a job, he has been in the navy going on 8 years this Dec. He seems to "lie" to avoid confrontation, and likes to avoid conflict at all cost.
Side note: I myself have a wicked temper, so of course until now, that made things 10x worse.
Thoughts??? Sorry it has taken me so long for an update!!!
- Forgiveness by: PoisonIvy 10 years 11 months ago
How does one forgive? I have separated from my husband and I feel confident that my decision to do so was wise. But I realized tonight that the resentment and anger that I feel toward my husband are somewhat hindering my life. I can't and don't want to forget that my husband did things that hurt me and that some of those actions were intended to hurt me. But the resentment and anger also hurt me (and seem to have no effect on my husband). Any suggestions? Thank you.
- Feel like my husband is financially ruining me. by: tbhattac 10 years 11 months ago
This is my first time posting but I've been reading this site for more than 4 years. I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for almost 4. He has ADHD and is on medication. He isn't hyperactive at all, but he has issues focusing and I'm guessing he has a learning disability as well. Other than taking medication, he does little else to learn or understand his ADHD. He never reads this site even though I've asked him to several times.
Our main issue is around money and our relationship is completely breaking down--MAJOR parent/child dynamics. I am so angry and resentful because I feel like he is financially ruining me. I value financial stability at my core and it's one of the things I value the most--perhaps the top thing. I'm the kind of person who started saving money in my 401K when I was 22 years old. I bought my first house when I was 23. Financial stability is really, really important to me. I work in corporate America and could get laid off anytime. I am very uneasy with a lot of debt (outside of a mortgage).
When we were dating, I learned that my husband had $25K in credit card debt, no assets, and nothing saved for retirement. Basically, he just didn't live within his means. There was no reason for it--he just wasn't in control of understanding where his money was going. Plus, he feels "entitled" to things he cannot afford like vacations and big screen TV's. I tried to help him develop a plan for getting control of his debt and he got a second, part time job and began to pay it down. I had actually ended our relationship and we broke up for 5 months. We only got back together because he agreed to this plan.
Because he started to pay off his debt and had a plan to continue, I agreed to marry him nearly 4 years ago. It's a second marriage for both of us. The agreement that I actually struck with him when we married was that I would pay 85% of our monthly common bills (mortgage, etc.) and he would pay 15% to allow him to continue to pay down his credit cards. This was supposed to go on for 2 years when his contribution would go up to 1/3 of our household bills. (I make 2/3 of the household income, he makes 1/3 so I thought that was fair.)
2 years turned into 3 1/2 and he still didn't have his credit cards paid off. I did not monitor him closely so I have no idea where his money went. At the same time as this, his ex-wife decided to serve him with papers to sue him for more child support, plus part of his daughter's private school tuition, plus half of his 2-kids college expenses. An 8 month battle ensued racking up thousands and thousands of dollars in legal bills and culminated in his ex-wife actually deposing MY financials to help pay for his kids. (Apparently she sees me as a source of income for her.) The net result of this is that he settled with his ex-wife out of court to pay an epic amount of child support (the max in our state) PLUS college, plus healthcare, plus a small portion of his daughter's private school tuition (his ex-wife doesn't believe public schools are good enough for his kids and he has no say.) I had no say in any of this and his lawyer was TERRIBLE in my opinion. We are in a state with case law that apparently allows this. I have no idea what his lawyer even did for him.
So now the result is that he STILL owes a small balance on his credit cards plus legal debt, plus more child support. In the next 6 years, he will have to somehow take out loans to put his 2 kids through college. The guy can never get ahead, ever.
I've disassociated myself and decided that he still will owe me his share of his bills. He got himself into this predicament and I wasn't going to bail him out anymore. It's possible for him to pay everything except college with his two jobs as long as he sticks to a tight budget. College will have to come from loans that he will have to pay off when his kids are out of school and he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. Under duress from me, he developed a budget and our agreement was that we would review his progress against it once/month to make sure he was on track.
Well, months go by and he doesn't track anything against his budget. It literally pains his to even say the word budget. When I asked him last night when he wants to review it with him, he just blew up at me and said he has "too much stress". Whatever--I have little empathy for him anymore. He acts like a victim way too much and he never learns.
The other major thing that I'm angry about is he totaled my (paid off) car when I was away on a business trip. He took my car instead of his because he didn't want to put miles on his car. We don't share cars and he didn't have my permission to take mine. I would never just take his without asking. I have a car payment now that he just cannot contribute to. I hate having a car payment.
I just don't see an end to this and I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been duped by a guy who promised to be financially responsible for refuses to be so. My anxiety levels are higher than every in my life and I keep thinking about how I was happy before I married him.
- Do ADHD meds cause personality changes? by: GoingThru 10 years 11 months ago
My ADHD partner started taking Adderall for his ADHD about 18 months ago. He started at a low dose (20 mg, I think) and seemed to do well. He was much less forgetful, more focused, and seemed more productive and happier as a result. However, when he and his doctor decided that the dose was too low and upped it to 40 mg, I started noticing personality changes: wild mood swings, violent temper fits, paranoia, and general agitation, especially in the early am and late pm when the drug wasn't in full effect. I called his doctor with my concerns, but he quickly dismissed them. The doctor's solution was always the same: up the dose! He is now on 80 mg Adderall a day, and his mood swings and temper fits have become stronger and more frequent--and quite scary. I am deeply concerned not only for his well being but also for my safety. When he has his fits he screams and yells, breaks things, throws things (usually at me), and makes paranoid accusations and threats. Just about anything can set him off. This is unlike him. Has anyone experienced anything like this? The medication certainly helps his ADHD, but if this is the price to pay, then I'd prefer the unmedicated ADHD. He claims to be fine, claims no side effects, and raves about his meds. I am starting to wonder if he is addicted to them. I brought up the possibility of them being a problem, and he almost bit my head off. Was very protective of those drugs. Any ideas/suggestions/stories to share?