I just found this website a few days ago and have been reading through all the posts and it's scary how well they describe my life.  My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and until recently I really had no understanding of ADHD.  We were both in our 40's when we met and he told me about his disorder, but he also said it had improved as he had gotten older and he no longer needed meds (which had caused some side affects, thus he stopped taking them before we met).  I really didn't think much of it and proceeded with the relationship as if there were no problems to deal with (naive I know).  He was employed when we met but left his job to come live near me (we lived in different states when we met). He found work quickly when he moved here but was never able to stick with anything, always blaming it on somebody or something else.  He has had about 30 jobs in 7 years and only one has he had longer than 6 months.  So it has fallen on me to be the provider since I can't rely on him but I'm self employed and don't make enough money to support us both comfortably.  He has started numerous businesses that have failed, or that he didn't follow through on, all with the use of my money.  He went through my savings and my home equity line of credit and then ran up my credit cards to the point of causing me to file chapter 7 about a year ago.  I blame myself for letting him have use of my money but I kept believing him because he's such a good talker and manipulator.  I've never known a man who didn't provide for his family so I guess I just didn't accept that he wouldn't step up to the plate.  And what really angers me is when he is in between jobs he doesn't help around the house so basically I'm doing everything and I'm exhausted.

Man/child is a description I saw used in numerous posts and it describes him very well.  He's happy and playful and always wanting to be with me and have sex and I don't even want him to touch me anymore.  I've turned into a raving "B", angry and frustrated, so he blames me for our marital problems and our constant fighting.  I've run out of patience, I feel like his servant and I'm very resentful.  I have no happiness in my life anymore.  I've given up on my dreams because I have nobody to help me achieve them and it's hard to get ahead in life when I can barely afford to support us both.  And what really gets me is my husband has so many dreams and I think he really believes he will achieve them.  He doesn't understand why I won't dream with him and make plans for our future.

After reading through these posts I feel even more depressed because this has suddenly become very real to me...this is my life and unless I get out of the marriage I will probably live month to month struggling to make ends meet, all while doing all the upkeep at home, with no hope of retirement.  This sure isn't the life I had planned!  A friend recently asked me what does your husband bring to your marriage?  My answer was "Not much.  He does love me and is always here for me to listen and support me.  But that's about it.  I don't know if he will ever be able to ever offer more than basic companionship."

I think he would be willing to go to counseling but I can't afford it.  I think he would be willing to get back on meds, but would it really help?  I feel like I've given up without really trying all the options but I'm at my wits end and not sure I have it in me to try.  Yet marriage is important to me and I take my vows seriously so walking away isn't easy either.

I am a non-ADHD husband and I am really struggling to find any kind of hope to keep me motivated to stay positive in my marriage.  If it weren't for our two gorgeous boys, I think I would be long gone. After years and years of feeling like it's all up to me, I think I've finally reached my limit.

My wife was diagnosed with ADHD nearly 6 months ago and while it was a sense of relief to finally have an explanation for so many years of frustrating and unexplainable behaviour, it hasn't really helped our situation or provided any resolutions to so many ongoing issues.  From reading the posts on this forum and so many other ADHD articles, my wife could be the ADHD poster girl.  I can't tell you the number of lost items (phones, keys, sunglasses), or forgotten appointments or wasted time or poor financial decisions we have been through or the classic "anti-social" behaviour she exhibits regularly.  At times, I feel like I am her parent and she is an unruly, unreliable, self absorbed teenager, only concerned with what interests her.

For so many years my wife has been searching for an explanation for her issues and as a result we have paid a fortune ( tens of thousands of dollars) in counselors, guides, therapists, mentors, social advisors - you name it, she's tried it and we are still paying a fortune now for ongoing psychiatric therapy.  This in itself is an issue and a cause of frustration for me, because we are a one income family now, all of my life savings is gone from paying off her debts and numerous therapies and I feel like it will never end.  Add to that my wife also seems to have an ever growing list of other needs.  It's like after every session, there is a new disorder or challenge and all of which require therapy too.  We have dealt with anxiety disorders, depression, unfulfilled birth expectations, unhappy childhood disorders - the list feels like it is never ending.

Our situation is complicated even more by the fact that our four year old son was diagnosed with Autism last year.  He is high functioning, but still requires a lot more attention than his younger brother, who is neurotypical. To be fair to her, my wife has been amazing at dealing with that and managing the majority of the work around his needs.  Which again is another frustration for me - why can she be so attentive and focused on this task, but completely unreliable and erratic on so many others.  But the fact that she focuses the majority of her energy on our son with Autism, means so many other things go unattended and I am just expected to pick up the slack.

Our biggest issue is communication.  I feel I can't even have a normal conversation with her anymore.  She is so entrenched in the therapy mind set that everything has to be categorised or be able to be given a therapy label for her to put any real effort into it.  Even the way we talk has become "therapised".  I feel like I've had to try to learn an entire new vocabulary just to speak with her.  I think what I find most difficult is the reflection of blame (as I heard it described in an article).  She will do something due to her ADHD, it will frustrate me, I will try to talk to her about it civilly, she will dismiss it, I will be annoyed at that and then she will tell me I am just as much to blame for the situation because I have played my part in the problem as well.  I will admit that I am sure there have been times where I have enflamed the situation out of pent up frustration, but I find this "you're just as much to blame" routine, so unfair and to a degree, irresponsible. I feel like it would be like the alcoholic husband telling his wife he is fed up with her chastising him about being drunk all the time.

I just feel like this is my life now.  Until the day I die, I will have to contend with all of the repercussions and symptoms of her ADHD and expect that I will be made to feel like I am equally to blame for those situations, while the entire time, making sure that our home life is maintained.

We have been to marriage counseling, but stopped when she started taking Ritalin.  It was like someone flipped a switched inside my wife.  She became this unbelievably attentive, hyper-focused and responsible woman and actually commented about the fact that so many things I had raised with her, that she couldn't see or comprehend before, she could totally understand what I meant and acknowledged how frustrating it must've been for me.  I felt like I was the luckiest man in the world.  Unfortunately, it only lasted around 7 weeks and then things went back to the way they were.  She doesn't seem interested in going back to marriage counseling or trying an alternative medication, because in her mind, I am just as much to blame for all of our issues, the ADHD is not the cause and besides, now she is on a new crusade - a journey of self discovery.  She says she feels like there has always been something missing from her life and she needs to find out what that is.

I really just need to know our marriage is worth fighting for, that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I came from a broken home and I always swore I would do everything in my power to not put my kids through what I went through when my parents broke up.  At the same time, I don't want our children growing up in a home full of misery, arguments and uncomfortable silence and right now that's exactly what it is.  My friends and family have all expressed concern over the changes they have seen in us and in particular that I never seem happy any more.  I feel like I have so many other things to contend with right now, that happiness just doesn't make the list.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Another holiday season is coming up and I find myself in the same frustration.  Dh wants to be part of the "help" but only wants to do things at the spur of the moment, nothing planned, no one can suggest or tell him what needs to be done, he wants to do only what looks like fun to him.  Then the delight for him is not is doing and creating and working together but rather to "get credit" from the crowd when they come.  He will talk about what he did for the next few weeks as though he did it all single handedly when in truth he did one or two things  and I have been working behind the scenes to make it happen.  On top of that, he starts fights and puts his fearful thoughts out there to add difficulties into anything that I am doing.  He tells me how to do it even though he has never really done it himself but I have done it tens of times.  

He prescribes to the saying "Let's not and say we did."...Public Relations 101 of letting people know what you did and even take credit where credit is not due.  Nice for him.  He takes credit for what i have done and if things don't work out he blames me.  He is angry at me at this moment because he suggested we serve turkey, meatballs AND HAM.  I gave him a look.....Ham? ...really on Thanksgiving?  And he started an angry tirade fight about how I should respect his thoughts.  What should I have said or done....Said that sounds interesting..Sure...good idea...let's have ham too (don't we have enough to do making 3 turkeys and meatballs with 50 of his family coming over?)

I have learned from past experiences to just do it myself yet every time, I want him to be part of things if he is willing....there is always a fight or miscommunication or he says he will do something and then doesn't carry through or will take 2 hours to do what takes me 15 minutes or will be doing it while the guests are arriving and I am alone greeting guests and he is still in the kitchen making a mess while I am trying to serve.

I haven't figured this out yet.  Anyone with ADD have suggestions in what works for them then there is a big event and you want to be a helpful part in the planning and doing?  Any non-ADDer spouses have ways of "letting go" and not feeling the feelings I get when I feel dumped on and sabotaged?

This past summer we had a wedding at our house...Dh wanted to grill vegetables outdoors as his contribution.  He began in his old dirty jeans to BEGIN to grill them after the guests had EATEN.  They were ready with the dessert.  He never did get dressed out of his grilling clothes. Then affably played the cute kitten routine of "aw shucks".  

I didn't get frustrated or mad.  I told myself in advance not to expect anything....if it didn't happen it didn't happen it would not ruin the day.  

However,  I feel alone when there is something happening here when partnering is required.  Not only do I feel alone but weakened - by the lack of cooperation and the monkey wrenches that I have to anticipate.  Any attempts to cooperate together is like me running an obstacle course and him carelessly throwing obstacles in the way.

I have posted in a forum before and got a lot of negative replays saying I should run and not out up with him, etc. So I'm a bit hesitant of posting this. 

the guy I am with has extremely bad ADHD. The saddest part is, that he has never been taught how to properly deal with it. He was on pills for it which were ones that also dealt with his anxiety and depression. He went off of his pills though and hasn't been as up and down since he stopped them. 

We met back in august, and instantly connected. He wanted to be around me all the time, started moving his stuff in to my place. Everything seemed like it was meant to be. But then, life got in the way. He was dealing with a custody battle with his ex, got a message from a girl that he had a fling with, stating that she was pregnant and it was his, and with that, everything started to go to hell. It came so fast, and left even faster. I could tell that he was trying to be happy with me, but started pulling away and I eventually found out that he was seeing a friend of his behind my back (she is younger and parties a lot. Not a stable person and not settled down at all). I told him to leave. I could see the confusion and the hurt in his eyes. I even saw him cry. But, he packed his things and that was that. My heart was shattered. 

After he left, he wouldn't leave me alone, like he was obsessed with me and had to talk to me. I blocked his number, but he would screen his number so he could still call but not text. After a week and a half of this, I told him I would go for a drive to talk. We started hanging out every evening, while he was technically still with this other girl. We were just friends though. I understand him a bit and he feels comfortable talking to me. 

He told me he made a big mistake and wanted me back. He pushed me away because he couldn't deal with everything that was going on, plus work on a serious, lifetime commitment to me, and give me everything I needed. I got it, I understood and I knew he was being honest with me. 

Hes back in my home now. And I love him. He gives me attention and affection. But, now we have another issue that is confusing him and causing problems. The girl he was seeing before he came back to me is pregnant, and this time, it's for real and for sure his. He knew there was a possibility of her being pregnant when he chose to come back to me. But because him and her do not get a long at all, and he doesn't see a future with her, he followed his heart. 

He won't fully commit to me, even though he is living with me. He says that he needs the freedom to deal with this other woman and the pregnancy without me being able to tell him what to do. His brain is all over the place now and it's hard to deal with. We were fighting about it and his mother got involved and told me to kick him out and freaked out at him. He called his ex (his daughters mother) and broke down and asked her to talk to me and tell me not to kick him out and help me understand what he needs from me. She told me to stop pressuring him and to just be supportive. She told me that pressuring him will just push him further in the other direction and if I just stop, he will make the right decisions. they were together for 6 years, and went through a similar situation when she was 6 months pregnant, so she kind of gets it. 

I just don't know how long I should give him to figure his shit out. The past few days, since I talked to his ex, things have been a bit better. I havnt pressed the issue with him and have just been letting things be for now. I'm trying not to be selfish, as I know that he may leave to be with her, since she is having his baby. I get it, he might figure it's the right thing to do. 

I guess I just need some support through this. I'm happy with him and he is happy with me, I just wish that life would give us a break for once. It just keeps throwing stuff at us, testing us, and it's hard to handle. His brain needs a break to figure his stuff out. 

How do I help him? Is there even anything I can do or should I just let it work itself out and not pressure him, like his ex said?