I just found this forum, and can't say enough how glad I am that you are here. I always feel so choked up about this stuff and don't know who to talk to about it. Anyway, my husband is taking Adderall for ADHD, and we have a few other typical problems, but the one that constantly bothers me is that I feel like my husband ignores me and our children to go out with his friends or have his friends over. I feel like a third wheel in my own marriage, and I don't know what to do! My husband and I work different shifts (I work mornings, he works afternoons), so we don't usually see each other for more than an hour on most weekdays anyway. But if I do have a day off or some vacation time, he will choose to spend whatever time we have at his friends' house, and it really hurts. I know he means well, but he will forget that I don't have work and will say that "we've got plenty of time", but he's already made plans to go see his friend, so he can't change plans. This happens all the time. I need help, because this makes me and the kids cry to see him for only a bit at a time, and he says I'm crazy and that I'm trying to make him feel bad, but I just wish I could be a small part of his life. I've tried talking to him and asking him not to go, and he might stay for 10 extra mins (with his coat on and watching the clock), but he will always go, and stay for hours. It annoys me as well because he's always there, and they just watch tv or even (which is really crushing) watch his friends kids! Why can't he watch tv and watch our own kids?! They worship him if he'd just give them the chance. Am I being nagging? Or annoying? I want him to go have fun but I feel like he's always out, and I never see him, mostly due to our work schedules, but I just want a little time, maybe one night out of 5? He's said before that I'm bothering him; always nagging about going out, so maybe I can work on that? I've honestly tried to be cool about it, but he doesn't change and I get frustrated, eventually. I've come to resent his friends, which I feel awful over, but I'm so hurt and bitter. We've tried to do "couples outings" with my husband's friend AND his wife, but my husband will sit with his friend, go out for a smoke, etc, with his friend and forget about me, quite literally. I'm not saying I need to be worshipped or demand attention, but as it is now, I feel like a dog or something; I'm something to be tolerated and that's it. I'm guessing this May be ADHD related, because he honestly doesn't see my frustrations; he just thinks I'm a lunatic. Sorry for the long rant, but can you chime in on this? I really need some sort of perspective. Thanks!

Hello all,

I have been reading posts and I am always amazed at the similarities we all experience.  I have to admit, I have to stop readings some times of I start to feel hopelessness.

My husband has ADHD (I had no idea what that was when I met him. As many of you, we went through the huge hyper focus ending right after our wedding.  Talk about a shock!  My sense of trust is still damaged.  The fact that I have PTSD does not help that lack of trust in my reality. 'What you see is not what you get' keeps me unable to put my guard down).  Well, I had to decide what to do.  I followed my instinct:  to show him not everyone was a coward, a critic, or a cheater (as so many he met seemed to have been), and I would stand by him.  It has been so much work since.  I fought the parental relationship demon and said no:  Instead, I helped find medical care and he followed through by getting meds (Bupropion, since stimulants were terrible for him).  I find tools and we try to incorporate them as a family:  Things like visible organization (I had to adjust because I need neatness but we figured a middle).  I started a blog that he reads every day.  My blog keeps things practical and since he found the info out there overwhelming, I choose one topic a day and create a resource and he reads that one blog.  I adjusted diet and even his ulcer got better.  I do all finances and automated as much as possible.  But as of yet I go invisible or rather, my needs do:  No sexual intimacy, no dates (lots of intentions but his therapist said it was his job and I was not to organize them because I do more than enough. That means that in the end nothing happens.)  I am actually thinking through a new idea:  He comes up with four activities we can do at the start of the months and I do the arranging?  His ideas my org. skills?  He still struggles with follow through.

It can be exhausting.  But we love each other.

Our danger? Terrible fights where I need to talk about my needs (For example: his family for once have been really unfriendly to me and my child.  They treat his kid in ways that make mine feel invisible, and in spite of their knowledge of his forgetfulness they just get mad at me and lend no support - I have no family of my own.  I was orphaned young.  So, I need for example some holidays to be just us and peaceful, and I need him to work to have our girls sisterhood protected.  These are examples that came to mind.  Sorry.  I am actually trying to keep this short)

I think about my words, I try to stay calm... But all he hears is this running tape in his head that says about himself (excuse me for sort of swearing) "I am a F...-up"   He says he feels like he is being hammered by a board that just repeats that.  Meanwhile I am saying "our daughter is hurting, we need to address this."  OR "I need a break, please lets have a quiet weekend", or even "When you do that it hurts"... As soon as I need him to hear me his "reactives" start: Eye rolls, dismissive body language, telling me I think or feel things that never cross my mind, ... eventually I raise my voice (sadly this works for a bit) or I cry frustrated and he starts to withdraw (totally understandable if that is what he is hearing in his head) and last night he gave me emotional blackmail: The I am leaving sort of thing (mind you, I left my job and country to marry him..I have no where to go, he does).  Makes me feel betrayed.  We take care of his needs, but when I need mine addressed I am getting the message that I cannot find a way to reach him.  Do I have to tell you how easy it is to fall into feeling not good enough no matter how much you do?

I though it was an excuse or bad habit not to have to hear me.  That it is the deposit of so many critics in his life.  Whatever it is, I do feel for him, but I must get around it.

At this point I do not care what it is.  I have heart...I work hard... But I don't feel well...I need some room in this marriage for my needs and refueling (Please do not tell me I have to take care of him and refuel myself alone... I don't want to be a couple of one)  I need my husband, my friend and my lover back.

The point is...If he can't hear me he won't.  I will take slow steps, but I first need to get through... Please help?  Did you/do you have that inner mean voice talking you down? Do you know how people get through to you? Can you tell me how the look on my face does not show him I am reaching out? (I do know he feels guilty that is is so hard for our oldest and for me here). However, his guilt won't help me...won't help us.  How can I get through so he hears what I say, my actual words?  I wish I could punch in the belly whoever put that insidious voice in his head.  He does not deserve it... Neither do I.

We are both trying really hard and love each other.  So please know I am asking for practical ideas that are constructive.  He will also be reading this post and we will try to work together on this.

I have registered him and our oldest for Tai Chi, so they find a way back to each other and to help him find a way towards mind-stillness.  They were excited about it until last night.  My oldest is pulling from expending time with him.  I am gently just moving forward.  It is on the calendar.  I hope as class starts they both will find their cadence with that.

Thank you for your help.

I just need to vent a bit.

I'm the one whose non treated/non diagnosed ADHD BF walked away from our 3.5 year relationship without a word after a big fight (in which his alleged, by me, ADHD was in question...he both admits it and denies it and has always adamantly refused to change or work on a relationship).

This all happened the day after Thanksgiving.  He has not spoken one word to me since, completely ignoring any attempts to communicate (we are long distance).  So, I have begun trying to heal myself and accept that the relationship is over.  I have been going through the usual roller coaster of emotions...anger, sadness, hurt, etc.etc.   But, one I struggle with a lot if the sadness of not being there for him.  We started out as friends...and while I am angry and hurt that he put the final brick in his wall and cut me off like our relationship meant nothing, my heart still hurts for him and what he is going through and will go through if he continues to chose not to accept what I FIRMLY believe is ADHD (and some co-morbid issues as well...though I admit I am no doctor).  I hurt for how many people have given up on him and how now I am lumped into that category, even though I did not end things...I just feel he has labeled me as such.  I am sad that I didn't know then what I know now.  I miss him.  I only ever wanted to have a happy, healthy relationship (but don't we all??).  I wish he could see what I see...about what a good man is inside of him and how he really is loved.

None of this is to say that I am ignoring the angst and hurt that I felt during the relationship (after the awesome hyperfocus stage)...but rather that I am sad for so many things now...am so stuck.  I cannot do ANYthing now but accept all of this and move on.  Ironically, that was one of  big his issues with me...the fact that I couldn't stop "poking us with a stick" or "let things go".

Just needed to vent...I'm through a lot of the anger stage and sitting in the sadness one...

I’ve been doing some thinking about inaccurate self-observation and the narratives that people build around it, and I’m curious to hear about other people’s experiences. I find that often when my boyfriend and I disagree about something, he thinks he holds the “truth” for the interpretation of events he is involved in. When it comes to feelings, he has invalidated mine because he thinks they are an inaccurate representation of both his intention and his actions. Ironically, while he thinks that my feelings misconstrue his actions, I think he often has an inaccurate notion of how his actions affect my feelings. We have finally made some progress with this lately and I think he is paying more attention to not only the way things affect me, but also my right to have my feelings. 

That being said, I am more hands-off (or at least trying to be :p) when it comes to issues that don’t directly involve me. He was recently fired from a job and is having a lot of trouble getting another one. It was his first job out of law school, and he didn’t hold it in high esteem because he claimed it was boring and easy. I suspect that issues with inattention to detail, forgetfulness, and lateness had something to do with his being let go, but I haven’t said that to him. (I should mention that he is not currently treating his ADD and hasn’t fully accepted that he has it. He knows what he struggles with, but doesn’t think of it under the ADD umbrella.) He seems to be full of excuses as to why he is better off without the job, how they messed up more than he did, etc. Apparently when he was hired, they told him he could work whenever he wanted because he was hourly. A few weeks later, they told him that he needed to pick a schedule and be consistent with it (something he has trouble doing). He thinks it is their fault that they weren’t clearer with their expectation; I think it is always assumed that an employer doesn’t want you rolling in at 9am one day and 11:30am the next, even if they offer flexibility.  He also seemed unable to put most of his focus into the work and was distracted by long drives to band practices and back to his parents’ house, when he had arranged to stay with relatives that lived closer to the job.

His dad defends my bf and his siblings from any outsider’s criticism through rationalization and joking threats. I have seen my bf do this in defense of his brothers too. His family is very insular and he still lives with them. Just when my bf stopped getting paychecks, his parents wrote him a big check for the money they were going to finish off paying for his college loans because they “wanted the responsibility off [their] chests.” I see this as coddling and enabling; he is unemployed and they just put thousands of dollars in his pocket. My bf is not going to pay off the loans yet because he wants to get a job with a loan forgiveness/repayment plan and pay it off at once with his law school loans, or have them be forgiven. That program takes 10 years to complete, and he has not been hired anywhere yet!

To make a long story short, I know my bf is talented, but I don’t understand the stubborn resistance to self-reflection. I know a fragile ego might be a factor. I am worried that if he carries on this way, I am looking at a future with a partner who might not be able to hold a job. I am financially independent and I feel like whatever is preventing him from growing is also preventing our relationship from growing. I’m wondering how you all have dealt with things like this and what I can do/should look out for.