Just need to vent, I just can't stand my husband, most of the time (99% of the time).  Everything he does annoys me.  He can't remember anything I say.  We are planning a trip to DC, actually I am planning the trip.  I've told  him over and over when we are leaving, how long the drive, etc.  He asked me just now, how long is the drive?  Can you please remember something!  He asks me stupid questions that he should really be able to decide on his own, he heated up chicken nuggets for our son and asks me are they hot enough?  He is 44 years old, he can't tell if they are hot enough.  My son eats chicken nuggets nearly every day.  I think asking questions must be self stimulating for him somehow.  I'll say something and he repeats it back to me as a question.  Every single time.   He licks his fingers when he is eating, disgusting, and makes that slurping sound when he does.  At night, he doesn't brush his teeth before bed, he swishes his iced tea (with sugar in it) around his mouth to rinse out the food, Gross!  Then cries when his teeth hurt and needs to go to the dentist.  Brush your teeth! Go to the dentist every 6 months like the rest of us.  If you're afraid there are tons of dentists that cater to that.  Find one.  those last two have nothing to do with his ADHD just annoying habits.  I can go on and on.

I know he annoys me so much because I've let my anger and resentment take over and I don't know how to go back.  The book is helping but if he won't work on anything there is only so much I can do.  I look back at the beginning of our relationship to try to think of what I was attracted to, what I fell in love with, and I honestly cannot come up with anything.  I liked the part in the book that says from here on create a new relationship, forget the past and concentrate on today and tomorrow (something like that).  I thought maybe that could be helpful to us since I can't find what I fell in love with from the beginning.  We need help to do that though and I don't know if he will follow through with that.

Hi everyone, I have never posted about this problem online before, and in fact I generally avoid such online forums because it always seems like a lot of "misery loves company" without many sincere solutions on offer.  That being said, obviously for me to be here I have reached a certain level of hopelessness and am hoping to hear from others who have genuinely improved their relationships, and find out what worked in those cases.

Here's our particular situation: my husband has variously been diagnosed with ADD, depression, and borderline personality disorder.  He tried Ritalin for a bit as a kid, a short stint with Strattera as an adult, and is presently only on Lexapro, which he has used for a few years now.  Hard to say if the Ritalin worked or not (or would work now, more importantly), but he does have a heart condition in the form of a mitral valve prolapse that makes me nervous for him to go on the typical stimulant drugs.  The Strattera seemed to do nothing and was pricey, so he stopped that.  The Lexapro seemed to make a mood difference at first, but as time went on he reports that it doesn't seem to help anymore (though the side effects persist).

For my own observations, the short and dirty version is he is basically a 13 year old child in a man's body.

To start with, my husband does the usual ADD stuff, i.e. runs late often, forgets to complete chores, gets agitated quickly if we are working on a chore together that lasts more than 40 seconds, lets clutter build up repeatedly, etc.  When forgetfulness is not an option he often writes off chores by arguing that they don't "need" to get done.  He cannot pay attention during most conversations, and plays on his phone instead.  Sitting at the dinner table with family for a conversation is like torture to him - like a kid, he wants to down his meal as quickly as possible and go back to playing games.

Speaking of games, I feel he has an unhealthy obsession with video games (some people take issue with the term "video game addict").  He spends pretty much every waking moment playing games, texting other people about games, visiting internet forums in order to refine his gaming strategies, and plotting out his next purchases.  He even brings his Nintendo DS to work on days he thinks he can get away with it.  These days he is awful at conversation, usually giving only brief one-word responses, but if the topic is about video games he will talk your ear off.  And I say this as someone who happens to like video games.  Video games are one of the common interests that actually brought us together.  There are even a few we play together to this day.  But for him it is unhealthy, and in a rare moment of clarity he admitted he had a problem with them and tried to moderate himself, but that was long ago and now he maintains that they are just his "hobby."  Sadly I feel like he gets all his feelings of engagement,  success, and camaraderie from games, so gaming has become his substitute for life.

Money has historically been a huge issue for him, and he has wasted literally thousands of dollars heedlessly in the past and gone into debt.  This was a known issue before our marriage, so we agreed - without conflict - that I would handle the finances and he would basically get an allowance.  This arrangement has mostly worked, except sometimes it only exacerbates the mother/child dynamic of our relationship when he asks to buy more video games, ostensibly oblivious to our financial situation even though I keep him involved with that information.  Sometimes when it comes to spending he has a "good boy" mentality, like our finances are based on how well-behaved he was (again, childlike).   Whether the money is there or not, he feels like he should be able to make ludicrous purchases based on merit alone, even though we have come up with a budget so he should not have to "ask" if it is okay to buy a specific game or not - he need merely consult the budget (we even made a spreadsheet showing how much money he has left annually for games!).  That being said, I would not characterize this as a primary source of stress in our relationship since for the most part, it works.

If my husband were merely an immature and disorganized, but good-natured, buffoon, I would not think our relationship so troubled.  However, he also has mood problems as well.  He gets irritable very easily and has a tendency to use me as his "stress ball."  Somehow things that have nothing to do with me become my fault, or even if he doesn't accuse me as such, he still acts out towards me because I am a convenient outlet for his aggravation.  For example, if I am the only one in the room when he fails in one of his video games, I'd better take cover!

When life throws its usual curveballs (getting lost while driving on vacation, backed up plumbing in the house, dog needing to be walked in sub-zero temperatures, etc.) instead of rising to the occasion he crumples into an angry ball of helplessness and rage, blaming me for the problem and/or requiring me to fix it.

He also has very immature arguing and conversation habits, and has a tendency towards trying to defend himself by bringing me down in the most irrelevant of ways.  The epitome of this was, one time, he defended his laziness with the only character assassination he could come up with at the moment: "You WISH you could be as lazy as I am," he says to me, as though his presumption that I too desire laziness justifies his own poor behavior.

Without continuing to run down the gamut of problems here, I need to conclude by saying that my husband is aware of his issues (barring the video games at this point), knows that he needs help, and for years he has tried to get it.  He attended anger management for a bit (though I would categorize him as more "petulant" than angry), and individually saw two-three different psychologists over the course of years.  Things did not seem to get any better, which is probably why the latter psychologist gifted him the label of "borderline personality disorder" (codename for "helpless cause"?).

Part of the problem (as ever) is money.  As we are not rich we cannot afford quality mental healthcare.  My husband has received counseling from the local college as well as the local community health center.  However, I feel like he really needs a specialist, not just whatever counseling is affordably available.  About a year ago I suggested we try marriage counseling since I didn't know what else to try at this point.  However, I feel like that was no good either, because all of the things the counselor suggested might work for "normal" people, but were not customized to our unique situation.  Plus I feel like in traditional marriage counseling there is reluctance to diagnose and treat only one of the partners lest they feel ganged up on, but in our case my husband does need the special attention, which he freely admits.

So for my real question: what can we try now?  What will work given our special circumstances?  Money is definitely a barrier, and whatever kind of therapy we next pursue must be the wisest choice.  I considered DBT marital counseling if we can find a DBT specialist that provides such counseling, but in the end I am thinking maybe he just needs a highly specialized counselor to see individually.  We cannot afford three kinds of therapy (i.e. individual therapy for each of us AND marriage counseling), so we have to pick one.  Have any of you had success in this kind of relationship, and if so what worked?  Where is our money best invested?  The goal here is a "real," peaceable, and equitable relationship.  I am not trying to ascertain how to be a better "caretaker" for an ADD partner - we are both striving to do our best and be our best for each other in this relationship.

And before anyone gives us any money-saving tips: we don't smoke, we don't drink (not even coffee), don't have cable TV or a landline telephone, and don't go out much where $$$ is needed.  We are willing to make some financial tradeoffs to get the help we need but realistically it comes down to our income being too small to try all kinds of different therapies.  Which one type of therapy is likely to do the most good for us?

I've been reading posts here and I've found myself wondering whether there is any other neurological disorder that's so acceptable to criticize as ADD/ADHD. I am considering leaving my husband after a year of marriage due to the ongoing decay of my sense of self-worth fostered by our relationship. His attitudes are very similar to those expressed in the book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage," in that his words and actions suggest that the negative characteristics related to my ADD (forgetfulness, time management issues, procrastination), are the result of a character flaw and make me a very inadequate wife.  I've read some of the posts here and it seems that there's a lot of agreement about this. In some posts I find passing nods to ownership over some part of the issues in marriages between people with ADD/ADHD and without it, but I feel that the ownership is taken very lightly. Statements such as, "I know I'm very critical of my partner..." or, "My partner feels as if I constantly criticize and make negative statements toward him/her," followed by the word "but," suggest that criticizing and verbally attacking a partner is understandable given how poorly the partner lives up to expectations.  Yes, I have been known to drive off with the coffee still on the roof of my car. Yes, I tend to run about ten minutes late, although I am trying to correct this. Yes, when the front door lock started to malfunction it took me a month to consistently remember to first push the door in again, then pull it out, to check to see if it engaged. I have been opening and closing doors for 39 years in one way, and I don't easily learn new behaviors once a routine has set in. Yes I am sloppier than my partner and I have been known to put his keys in my pocket (just like I do with my own) after he gives them to me rather than putting them on his desk as he would prefer. I am also kind, non-judgmental about just about anything but his criticism of me, a high earner, creative, and extremely affectionate. I believe in harmony and try to go along to get along. I left a corporate  job with high prestige and salary to pursues a career in a helping profession because I wanted to do good in the world. I pay my own student loans and half of all bills and I never ask my husband for help. Nonetheless, we are in constant conflict. I once counted: he criticized me 17 times in one day. The recommended number of positive to negative interactions to maintain a healthy relationship is something like 5 positives for every 1 negative.  We're obviously nowhere close to that. My husband is not an abusive or cruel person. He's a tremendously organized, somewhat low-empathy person who values efficiency over most other qualities.  We may be an extreme, but I wonder if most people who post about their ADD/ADHD's spouse's bad qualities are so different. Do you give your spouse positive feedback to counteract the attacks you  make on his or her character? Do you have any respect for his or her good qualities? Have you wondered if maybe there's no love in your marriage not only because your spouse is disorganized, forgetful, sloppy, etc., but because no one can love someone who treats them like they're worthless? John Gottman, the most respected

i have been doing some reading here and i am seeing for the first time that others are struggling with this awful disease and all that goes with it, just like me. <!--break-->

My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married for 15, most of them difficult.  He was diagnosed ADHD as a child but has been unmedicated (for that disease, anyway) until about 9 days ago.  He has taken an antidepressant for probably almost the whole time I have known him, however.

He drank tremendous amounts of beer until he decided the time had come to quit drinking (last February).  Once he gave up drinking, his already too-quick temper really became a problem.  Long story short - 2013 was a horrible year and I was so hopeful that 2014 would be better, but it looks unlikely.  

He lost his job of 7 years in October  -- he is currently on medical leave, but at the end of this month that income will stop because his employer had already decided to terminate him (for issues including his temper) before he pulled the FMLA card (2 hours before the meeting where he was to be terminated).  He has been seeing a LMFT ( as am I) and that has been helpful, I can see that he has gained insight to his problems and some tools to deal with his anger issues (when he chooses to use them).  So all of 2013, and with increased intensity since the late summer (before the job loss), this marriage has been exhausting me.  Fights, scoldings,  verbal abuse, over reactions, threats of divorce (from him) we have had it all here recently.  

His therapist diagnosed, probably correctly, that a lot of his anger was due to untreated ADHD.  He sought, and obtained, through his GP (another tale in itself, suffice it to say our pets are getting better medical care then my husband), an Rx for Strattera.  He began taking it a week ago yesterday, and the directions were to take one capsule a day for a week, and then 2 capsules a day after that.  Of course, since he knows better, he went to 2 a day after only maybe 2 days. I just now looked at the bottle  of 30 prescribed 12/27/13, and there is only 1 left.  He has his pill counter with him, and he probably has it full for the coming week (14 pills) but WTH?  He also stopped taking Zoloft (his depression med)  at the same time, and had complained of the withdrawal symptoms.  I am not sure the GP wanted him to quit that (at least cold turkey), but there's no way of finding out, hardly even for the patient!

So the week started off well enough, he felt like the new drug was helping with focusing his thoughts, etc.  I went off to  work Monday and Tuesday, and we had (I thought) a pleasant NYE.  New years day stated off with him overreacting to a situation and getting angry,  but we got over it and had an ok day.   Later in the week he began experiencing sleeplessness and some mood swings.  I was patient with him and went about my business. He mentioned that he had read on a forum that massage was suggested to counteract sleeplessness for Straterra users (whatever).

This Saturday (today) was to be the date for an already postponed and long overdue visit from my brother, SIL, nephew and great niece.  They live about 2 hours away and I had invited them over for a crab feed (before Christmas).  So, all week, with the exception of the midweek holiday, I had the foolish expectation, which was supported by my husband's words (I know, right), that he would help me get the house guest ready.  This would leave us free to go to the wharf in the morning, buy our live crabs, and otherwise get ready to entertain at 4 pm.  I'm sure some of you can guess what happened.  I came home from work yesterday to find nothing (and I mean nothing) had been done around the house.  Of course he became defensive when my mood indicated my displeasure, but I went about my chores, pre-preparing food and cleaning up the kitchen and trying to leave him to himself.  Later, while watching Netflix in bed, he came into the room and announced he had lied by omission, by not disclosing he had gotten himself a massage that day.  Furious inside, I did not react.  Somehow even without any (or very little) reaction from me on the other side of the house, he worked himself into a rage over our marriage (feeling guilty?).  Repeatedly stomping across the house into the bedroom and announcing such things as:  I was supposed to be patient with him while he worked out his medication adjustment issues, no one was coming over until 4 pm so he had all day to mop, etc. , "You are the one with all the problems, you have done nothing to change yourself, I am tired of taking the rap for your issues, I have identified my anger -- it all comes from you and I want a divorce."  "It is too late, remember that you did nothing."

He left the house with a bag, but came back a few hours later.  While he was away, I sent my brother an e-mail to cancel, and confessed that my marriage is on the rocks  ( I feel like such a loser).  Husband slept at least for a few hours, but was back at the verbal abuse again bright and early.  So around 7:30 am he left with  his bag and one of our dogs (his) saying he would be gone for the day but back tonight.  I told him to stay safe.  A few hours later I get a text from him telling me he is not coming back.  I have begged him to reconsider and come home, but he is resolute that our marriage is over, and he will not be back.  Now I see (through Facebook of all things) that he is headed to Reno (we live near the coast).  What in bloody hell is going on?  As far as I know, he doesn't know anyone there and although he has indulged in many addictions in the past, gambling is one he has always professed to not enjoy (we work too hard for our money).

Why do I even want him to come back?  Like many of you here, I have identified that he more often than not leaves me in the lurch when it comes to feeling like he has my back, showing me with actions that he cares, etc.  This "what is the problem of mopping the floor (insert task here) right  before the guests arrive?" has been repeated numerous times here.    And far worse things than that, but I am an inefficient typist, and I bet you all could guess most of them. It seems it has never mattered to me that he will never be what I want, I still feel like an abandoned child.  (one of my issues -- abandonment, I will admit it, but it does not make it not devastating) 

So what do I do now?  I only have 1 friend i can talk to about this.  I know I have to do everything I can to take care of myself such that I can go to work and manage not to lose my job while all this chaos is going on.  I hate feeling like crying and hiding under the covers but having to try to hold it together and get my job done without a bunch of screw ups.  I don't know if his decision is real, or influenced by his drug adjustments, or something else entirely.  Just Thursday evening, following his therapy appointment, he told me he really appreciated how I had stuck it out with him all these years when the things he had done acting out his disorder had pushed everyone else away.  But today he left me and seems to really mean business this time.  I am frightened and lonely and sad and ....I don't know what to do.....I just want him to come home and go to counseling with me.  He agreed, we got a name, now he says it's too late.

Can anyone offer me some suggestions to get through this?  Sorry it is so long.

So sad.