I'm posting here in the hope that there are others out there with a similar experience.

I've been married for 14 years, and am a parent of a 10 year old girl who got diagnosed with ADHD when she was about 5. Ever since, the relationship with my wife has gone gradually down hill, and now I'm at the point that I'm going to move out for a while. This has not been an easy decision, but I'm really at my wits end, and don't see any other alternatives.

I've grown more and more resentful over the years, as it seems that everything in my family always revolves around my daughter. My wife and I have really lost sight of each other and our own needs, which is an insight I've gained after several months of marriage counseling. On top of this, I was really depressed when going into counseling, so I was prescribed anti-depressants. This has really helped me to become less agitated, but still, the situation at home has not stopped from sliding downwards.

It's still hard for me to be patient with my daughter, and I get jealous when I see kids her own age being much more independent than her. And I know it's not her fault.  I continue to be resentful towards my wife, because I feel like she's always put my daughter and her special needs before me. Then came the realization that I've put my very own ambitions and aspirations in life on the back burner in the past couple of years, and it is killing me inside. Perhaps I'm in midlife crisis as a result.

So now I'm moving out for a while, very much with mixed feelings. There is part relief, and there is part guilt. I want my marriage to get back to the way it was, but I'm not able to. I'm not even sure if this is the right decision, and I'm scared my wife will think I'm abandoning her. But I feel like I need space and time to be on my own for a while to sort things out.

I'd greatly appreciate any feedback from parents who've been in the same boat.

I am new to the forum. My boyfriend has ADHD. He has been diagnosed and I have known this since the beginning of our relationship. 

We moved in together shortly after having a one-year long distance relationship. I knew he had the tendency of going off in tangents when speaking, but I dealt with this easily because the majority of our initial relationship was over telephone communication.

Little did I know what other traits come along with ADHD. I have noticed that he drinks a lot, has a temper, is verbally abusive, and tends to have a skewed perception.  We have only lived together for about 2 months, but I have noticed a lot for the time we have lived together. At first I thought he was becoming an alcoholic. He showed signs of alcohol withdrawal by always being irritable, stressed out, and not being able to calm down/relax until after having a few drinks.  

We fight over stupid little things. He had me convinced that it was me causing the fights because I became a moody bi*** whenever I had my period. I accepted his observation and strived to identify and control my mood swings. I have continued to work on this and realized that he was right. So when I get irritated,  I isolate myself to the other room and watch TV to prevent arguments. 

Most fights are caused by something that triggers his anger. It can be something very simple like asking him a question. He perceives my actions and words to be "rude" and then gets defensive. Then when I take time to explain or defend myself, he sees things entirely different from reality.  One time I was cutting vegetables while cooking dinner and nicely asked him to please not talk to me when I am cutting the vegetables so I don't cut my fingers. (this is because I get easily distracted)  He instantly gave me crazy eyes and gave me attitude. We argued shortly after and he said that when I said that it was like I was saying "Fu** you" to him and that I needed to be nicer to him.

After realizing that he had a bit of a temper, I started to be extra careful around him.  It seems like anything could tick him off and once he gets mad, it takes a lot for him to calm down. I have several encounters where he twisted my actions and things I say into something completely opposite. It blows my mind on how skewed he sees and hears things that I do and say. He then gets defensive and makes a fight out of it. Every time we fight, he always tries to push me away by yelling at me, threatening to break up, and talking over me. He has become so emotionally and verbally abusive. It is hard for me to describe our situation completely in words, so bare with me. 

Just the other day he got really angry and yelled at me for accusing him of being verbally abusive. He had a troubled adolescence which causes him to not care when I cry. I always cry when we fight because that is how I naturally show how I am upset.  Every time I do cry, it doesn't phase him. He gets stone cold and will continue to attack me with accusations. The reason for this is because his mother supposedly did this to him and was very manipulative to him. So he says he doesn't care if I cry.

I would say our relationship is on the rocks right now. Last night we had a huge fight but we made up and agreed that we would seek couples therapy. But although we have agreed to this, I am not sure if it will happen anytime soon. This frightens me so much because we aren't even married!  We just began to date and we already have problems with communication. Everything else seems to go just fine. My boyfriend has been to therapy, and says that I am the person who needs to see a therapist because apparently I am the  crazy rude one and that I need to learn "how to communicate like an adult."

Everyday I think of the future of our relationship. I once thought we will get married, but now I don't feel this way. He continues to push me away and I keep finding reasons to stay. I really wish we can learn to cope with this issue, but for now we are still having trouble. After our last fight I apologized to him and wanted to make up, but that didn't resolve anything. He continued to be angry and then got even angrier when I wanted to talk about it. He gets in my face and curses at me and says that he is unhappy and that he wants to find someone else who isn't so rude to him.  It has now gotten to a point where I yell back and defend myself even more because I am tired of crying and being treated the way that I am. I know it doesn't help, but I will not put up with this. For now, I would love some feedback or comments on this. 

Hi Guys,

I have been reading this website on and off for 3 years now. I have read Melissa's and Ned's books and own many more related to understanding ADHD and own every self help relationship book under the sun. I am 35 and have been with my bf (who has ADD) who is 34 for 3 1/2 years now. He was diagnosed as a child and has been on meds for years on and off. He gets his adderal from his family physician.

I met him at work while going through a divorce. I fell in love with him bc he made me laugh like no other and felt he "got me". He was a wonderful listener and seemed to be as affectionate as a person as I was. My divorce was to a man that put work above our marriage and refused to get therapy with me until I left him. My ex got his life together and faced his own demons, but it wasn't until I met my bf that I realized how much I had settled for...I loved my ex but chemistry was not a big part of being attracted to him. It was his intelligence. I loved that my bf did not care to be in the spotlight all the time, like my ex, and I finally felt like I was in a relationship built on equality. My parents were married until my mother passed from cancer, and I have always wanted a relationship where I could rely on a husband like my mother could rely on my dad and vice versa.

6 months into my journey with my bf and getting over my divorce, my bf lost his job. I was sad for him but where we worked my sister husbands also had lost his job and rebounded so I thought my bf would do the same. It was a blow to his ego. That is where I feel this spiral took place.. He is very intelligent as most men with ADHD I have met and extremely witty and creative. A curve ball was thrown when I lost my job about 4 months after he did. I have had many back surgeries and had barely survived the first surgery before he knew me. My position was absorbed and so we both were unemployed. At the time I was not looking for a serious relationship, although he had already told me he loved me. We spent our days together having fun playing scrabble games. After the "honeymoon" phase of not working and having fun, I became serious looking for work again and expected he would as well. We already had talked about the future by now and after a year of living with other roommates we choose to move in together. I was ready and it seemed to be perfect timing with his roommate moving in with his own gf.

When we moved in together I found myself being the only one to unpack while he played video games for days and tried nicely to ask for help and would get the pat answer he seems to give now “of course, no need to ask" but he never would follow through. In turn of wanting to have a nice home ,I re-injured my back. It was awful and I could not move. I did not have insurance and it was a very long journey. I ended up finding out I had screws penetrating through veins and arteries in my back and was sent to a top of the line hospital hours away to have my hardware removed from a lumbar fusion years ago and stints put in my body so I did not bleed to death. My bf  had to take some responsibility and drive me back and forth to appts hours away and take care of me. We also had a puppy and he had to take care of him as well. There were days on his meds that he was great and other days he was belligerent yelling and being sarcastic trying to make me feel terrible for all the responsibility he had taken upon himself. When I finally started to get better I would clean and cook between each new injection, or burning of nerves in my back to get better. I was determined to get better bc I wanted to have children someday and i could not live with this pain forever.

Unfortunately with the stress of this newfound responsibility, he stopped being affectionate and was just stressed at all times. He would take his adderall and be up for days bc he cannot sleep when taking his meds, and then sleep for days. He is moody and if I try to express my frustration of feeling alone, he will say “well I will just shut-up and than I will never upset you". When I ask if he will try and work on helping us to communicate more effectively he will sometimes try based on if he had taken his meds that day. The days he does not if I even start with a question or just to tell him we have to pay bills he will yell at me to stop! And will refuse to talk about anything for days.
His self-esteem is very low, he gained weight and has not spoken to his friends in years. He even avoids going home now to see his parents just two hours away bc he does not want to face them asking questions about his job hunting. They are well off and pay for all his bills, rent, car payment and health insurance. I do not have that luxury and had to get a temp job that ended up becoming my full time job and now i have been working for over a year. He has not worked in over 3 years and rarely applies for jobs. I have created new resumes and cover letters, grasping at straws to save what we once had I will apply for him myself. I speak with his mother all the time and is so worried about him. I am his first real relationship. I love him so much, but realize I hold onto when we met...I am sorry if this is long but for 3 years I had read and kept hope things would get better and they have only worsened.

I have tried to do all the suggestions Melissa and Ned suggest, I try not to nag and only ask once. It will take him weeks to take out the trash and if I ask more than once gets very angry and tells me I am so annoying. When he takes his meds he is the same man I fell in love with for a short while, but the same cycle of coming down off his meds makes him cranky and feels everything i say and do annoys him. Also even on his meds I think he takes too much because he will hyperfocus of video games, the internet, tv, his music or anything that is distracting for hours and hours on end. I feel invisible and he does not understand how on his meds how I could feel alone. I am not a confrontational person, but will defend myself if I feel he is being mean or saying stuff that is untrue. Over time it has become worse and worse and I think bc he is scared and sees his own inability to take control of his life that he lashes out at me and tries to make it seem all is my fault. I have no problem apologizing when i make a mistake and always want to please. What I have realized though, is I have slowly over time put up with behaviors that are unacceptable. The dysfunction which includes name-calling, telling me the shut the f up, stone-walling when I try to engage in a serious conversation makes me cry and makes it worse. He will apologize very rarely and promise not to say mean things again, but in the heat of the moment he always goes back to lashing out. I am blown away that this is the same man I met who wanted to hug me at all times and adored me to no end, and that is why it is so hard to let go....

I started seeing a therapist a few years ago bc i was so depressed and did not want to talk to my friends about our problems. I did not want them to judge him. My bf agreed to go to a therapy session with me and it went great, but he was on his meds and was very impressive. I had to go on antidepressants for the first time in my life. He was on the ball with his meds with the therapist but sadly he ended up turning anything my therapist said about my nature as a tool to help us as a way to try and put me down and hurt me and then I did not feel I could trust him anymore.

His big thing now is he spends all his time listening to podcast he downloads and playing video games. I try to make sure I bond with him bc I realize it is important to show my support for his interests, but it seems that he has no interest anymore in sharing my own. I try to do my own things I love on my own time, but that is not what i want in life. I want a family where we can have children, make breakfast, watch cartoons, laugh and have friends over to barbeque and feel we have a share household. I pushed marriage a while back but have not done so anymore...I am not sure I want to go down this road. With my health I may have to adopt and it is a long process and we are nowhere near emotionally, mentally or financially in a spot to and the clock is ticking. I am very frightened.
With my physical issues i cannot support us and the bigger issue for me is I do not feel respected or listened to. The five languages of apology and love are books we read together occasionally when I can get him to, and to me are fantastic, but he does not follow through. Any talk of anything involving job hunting, money, a future or of any serious nature immediately pushes him away and he things that is all we do. I will not bring anything up for months to give him space but I am sure he can tell how sad i feel and maybe he feels overwhelmed...I do not know anymore i am so confused. His mother feels I should leave him and feels he does not realize what he has and will not until he is forced to grow up. He will hang up the phone now on his mother just as he does with me and I feel I have let these disrespectful behaviors have gone on for far too long. My sister just had a baby girl with a hard working husband that realizing bills must be paid and takes pride in fixing up their new home and would do anything to make her happy. Seeing all this these past months have been pushing to me to the brink of my threshold. He refuses to see a therapist, he gets his adderall from his physician and I know comorbidity goes hand in had with ADHD. He has terrible anxiety and depression, which needs to be addressed.

I try very hard to step back and let him fix his own issues and be his supportive gf but I am not happy. He never initiates sex or cuddling. I have to ask him to come cuddle or sit next to me on the couch and when he does he acts annoyed so it is not worth it to me. We watch what he wants to watch and I feel like I cannot be truthful with my needs for when I do his turns it into me being the problem. I try to listen to his reasoning but we end up fighting over mean and deplorable words he says trying to hurt me and get off track. I feel so lost and at the same time hate myself for still loving him bc i know the man he once was and would give anything to get that back, but do not know anymore it that is possible. I am a very optimistic person that dealt with my mother having psychological issues and feel I should be able to support him and should and feel and immense amount of guilt when I feel like giving up and dream of the day a man will want to provide for us and not everything is split down the middle, but in theory I am the one that pays for all our groceries and "fun" even with my frugality.
I feel if i left he would finally realizing how sweet and generous of a woman he has that always tells him how much I love and appreciate anything he does that I notice that when he actually tries. I am not perfect by any means but do feel I am grounded and just want an equal partnership and recently feel like it is never going to happen. If he does not like what I am saying he will just leave for hours to drive and bury himself in his comedic podcasts to get away and he falls asleep on the couch and we never sleep together. My name I chose 3 years ago was Crossroads, but now feel it should be Witsend. I am 35 and want children and we discussed over year a half ago getting married planning on a week from now, and my own Grandmother gave him her ring to give to me. As my bf's mother said, he has had all the tools to become successful with all the support anyone could dream of and his has to grow up. I do not have the funds to move out but am thinking of asking my sister to help...I hate to break up our family but without him taking ownership of how much our relationship has deteriorated I do not see how we could ever make it anymore. I stuff down all the horrendous things he will say to me taking my past I share and twist it to try and hurt me as to keep from dealing with is own short falls, but I am very happy and content at 35 at who I have become, I just do not understand how I could walk away from my ex and ensure a divorce yet with my bf even with all the bs and knowing it will still be a challenging in the future that I still love him immensely kills me. I cannot help, it has to be himself and I do not feel anymore he can help himself. I think he is over his head.

Sorry for the long email, it was 3 years in the making and wish I could just revel and rejoice in all the reasons why ADHD is a blessing and not a burden, and it can be, but it is only up to the person with ADHD to take control and they have to have a loving significant other that is willing to listen to their feelings and try to accommodate their needs and be reciprocated in each direction. Any advice is appreciated from married, divorced, ADD, etc. I am so sad and tired of sleeping alone and never cuddling or feeling wanted and I am beautiful vibrant woman inside and out. I have never had a problem attracting men, but what matters most to me is a man that is willing to listen and also work on us, not separate. Humor helps immensely but without admittance that this cycle has gone on for far too long and refusal to change feels like a slap in the face that i am not worth it enough for him to take charge and save what we have left together.
Thanks guys and my heart goes out to everyone on this website. Neither party (adhd nor adhd) is perfect but it is the devotion to wanting to protect the sacred bond we build and once had, and to me I have always felt we should treat our partners like the day we just met them, giving them respect, honesty and love and best of all romance.

I would appreciate any advice on how to get him to get a new evaluation. He has promised me so many times when he is at his own breaking point but then retracts. I have researched and found 2 excellent therapists that can help him that are very seasoned in working with adults with ADD. I recently wrote him a letter telling him how unhappy I am and need change and if not I think it is best he goes home for a while or I move into the old condo my sister has for a bit. This was weeks ago and he said he wanted to write me back but has not. I feel like I am not holding to my word and in desperation hope he will want to get better but I do not know….As a lot of people on here I am so lost and sad. I love him so much and I am not the kind of person that gives ultimatums, in fact I hate that, but I feel with him that is the only way he will get help.

Any thoughts I would greatly appreciate. Thanks for listening.

I currently am going insane and I can't control it.  I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no help from boyfriend instead he is sitting on the world.

here is some back story

I've been with my boyfriend whom has ADHD, for almost two years.  After about 6 months of dating I discovered I was pregnant, and the world wind of change accrued.  My bf started getting scary angry right before we found out I was 8 weeks pregnant.  To the point of which we broke up because I felt uncomfortable, this amazing man I fell in love with was showing me a dark side.  He claimed the anger was from his quitting cigarettes, but I've learned that to be false.  During the pregnancy he was distant which left me to be alone, scarred and feeling so unwanted.  Then I have out son and I fall into post partum depression.  My bf spends his time out at night and away from me during the day alone with a newborn.  While he was so distant from me he gets close to another girl but never physically cheats.  His friendship only lasts about a month and then he claims she was just a drama queen and that's why they stopped being friends.  We still are both distant and my depression is getting worse.  Fast forward to July and I catch him talking to his exgf where he tells here that he loves her, he should never have left her and that he is only with me because of our son.  I try to trust him but in all honesty I still don't.  He tells me it's my fault that he did all this and takes no ownership of his actions, as if I held a gun to his head telling him to betray me.  I was lonely, I wanted attention and you know what I never told anyone else that I loved them, in fact I told ever guy who talked to me about how much I love my bf.  I also would like to add when guys talk to me which aren't common I tell my bf because I don't want secrets like that.  When I talk to him about it, he says he deserves privacy, which feels like a slap in the face.  Two weeks later at the beginning of august I lost my job leaving us with no income because my bf refuses to work.  Which brings me to the money, he spends nonstop.  We were fortunate enough that family gave us enough money to help us out for a month or two, it lasted 2 weeks and now we are in a huge hole.  In two days the power company is turning off our power.  Also he gets these anger fits where he screams, in front of our 6 month old, where our son is hysterical crying.  He also pushes and punched me once all while I'm holding our son.  

This being said, where does the line of ADHD end and the line of abuse begin?  

I entered this relationship a confident, happy, beautiful woman, now I'm a paranoid, lonely, self loathing, stressed girl.