Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Going back to what's familiar even if not healthy? by: OMT2013 11 years 1 week ago

    I'd love some input from those with ADHD and those who have long-term experience living with someone with ADHD. 

    Is it a "common" coping mechanism or reaction to being overwhelmed to give up on something you really, truly want and go back to or stay in a situation that makes you unhappy because it's familiar and easier to handle?  In the bad situation there really isn't a risk of failure because it's already a mess, but in the new situation there is a big risk of failure.

    For example:  My ex hates his job.  There are a few things about it he likes, but in general he is pretty unhappy.  So he applies for a new job and is hired.  The day before he is supposed to start, he's overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and bails on the new job and goes back to the old one even though he's not happy there. 

    The known vs. the unknown can be comforting to anyone - ADHD or not, but just curious if this is part of the executive function process?

    He does stuff like this all the time.

    Thanks in advance for any input or insight!!

  • boyfriend hasnt been sympathetic to my newly diagnosed ADD by: mywonderwallisu 11 years 1 week ago
    My boyfriend and I live together we are in a mature relationship but my ADD is causing a strain. I know my boyfriend cares about me because he has been theone supporting me He was the person who convinced me to get myself checked for ADD. I have been having a reallhard time remembering things that are important to the relationship and trouble focusing. He has been having very little patience with me recently and is wanting to call me stupid and say it's not just the ADD. I feel so hopeless and pathetic because he's told me he loves me but can't see this working. He says hasn't broken up withe because I'm pathetic. I really love him and I am sorry for causing him to lose his faith in me and us. I haven't gotten my medication for my ADD yet and I feel like he isn't going to wait to see what kind of results it will bring. I have been so frustrating for him and I wish I would've found out about my challenge sooner.
  • ADHD husband was cheating.. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 11 years 1 week ago

    So i may have contracted an STD from my spouse,.If my name was not anonymous i probably would not have been able to say this...Thought it was nothing until i took antibiotics got cured,slept with him again and got it back...Took blood test for certainty results pending till Friday..Now,what do i really do from here..Family upset,mother would not talk to me,my uncle is worried...everyone around me is soo bloody upset.I confronted him yesterday about after spending the weekend by him, i got back sick.He said that i skip the antibiotics did not follow rules and that is why i got back sick..Not true...I did exactly what was i was to do..After revealing to him that i am going to the doctors for a proper check up,he got mad,cursed me,chased me out his place,had me drop off his apartment keys and told me to take all my belongings, well,i was going to any way...Started sending me threatening massages on my phone yesterday all day saying he would spread my name around of the STD i might have..stupid!!!! he was my only partner for 3 yrs now,never had another so it came from him,he is getting all angry and mad because clearly he did cheated on me and using a defense mechanism to take that guilt away..

    Anyway,for me that's it! for him he has made me lose a day work today after posing constant threats and  trying to scare me away,witched worked..I am fragile and weak,i cant take worries and problems,hate court and police even though they had to come by me at 2 am this morning after he text message me saying he is coming by me at 2 to leave a nasty surprise in front my gate...A restraining order is next if he continues,just want to dwell along peaceful paths in my life..Can't handle drama..My mother is totally upset,says that i ruined her night of sleep when the police came,says that i am hampering my kids sleep when in fact i am trying to protect them..Hopefully she would get pass this just as i intend to do..Don't think that i give a damn ass now what she thinks,not her death but mines..I am a cafe owner of a breakfast outlet and she says my reputation would be down the tubes if people get to know of my STD..Sad woman yes!!! how would anyone know!!!!..

    Cheating was never in my mind at no given point with DH,never knew he would be sooo stupid as to not use protected cheated sex out there.Now he ends up me hurt and him alone...I tried to tell him yesterday that this is a personal problem we both have and we both need to get treated,takes 5 days with antibiotics to get cured,but,it can go undetected for some time if not treated on time after a few symtoms..One person getting cured the other who is not can pass it back and forth,then it makes no sense..He never gave me a voice and he over powered me with his anger outrage..Now he has this sickness out there and might be passing it around..god speed o him and his new partners,because i am getting better soon and staying that way...

    lovehurts...

  • Connection by: jennalemon 11 years 2 weeks ago

    "A connected child feels involved in a world larger than himself. He feels — and feels is the crucial verb — held in place by loving arms. This feeling of connection goes deeper than beliefs or knowledge. Connection is an inoculation against despair, a vitamin that propels positive growth. I call it the other vitamin C, “vitamin connect.” Of course, the key to the development of any child is love, which begets the feeling of connectedness."   This is from Additude magazine site.

    In my life, I believe I have identified a big issue in my marriage as a "connection" issue.  I have tried every response in Melissa's book.  For 40 years I have tried to connect in a meaningful way.  My marriage has not been one of supporting each other holding hands through life.  My marriage has been me sacrificing, compromising, trying to "get along", working to provide the best opportunities for everyone in the family.....him ignoring, a jokey-social facade, manipulating and doing his own thing, satisfied with himself for protecting his own ego.  

    My advice to young people who find themselves in a relationship like mine?  Don't live on fairy tales and hope.  If you are working too hard and feeling disconnected, don't stay working hard and one day realize you have been alone in your marriage all along.  

    People NEED connection. PHYSICALLY it is necessary for your health.

  • Hope for the Hopeless by: irrelephant 11 years 2 weeks ago

    I wanted to share a bit of my story and where I'm at for those of you who are where I have been and was just a short time ago.

    If you look down at some of my previous posts you will see a lot of my frustration/anger with my spouse and the point of hopelessness that I was at. Things had gotten so bad that we separated 2 months ago. We have 4 children, and have been married 12 years, so the decision was not an easy one to make. At the point that we separated I was not sure what my spouse would do. I was fully prepared that he may decide to do nothing and that our marriage would sadly come to an end.

    Like many of you, I have tried hundreds of different tactics over the last 12 years. From begging/pleading, to nagging, to encouraging, to demanding/yelling, you name it, I've done it. I read Melissa's book 2 years ago and it was like reading the story of our lives. The bad thing was that my spouse was unwilling to read the book or to participate in any of the plans/techniques mentioned in the book, so while it was helpful, it didn't go anywhere.

    When we separated I made it clear to my spouse that he had 6 months so get things figured out. I told him that I was unwilling to live our lives the way we had been living for the last couple years, and that I refuse to be his mother any longer. I have pursued counseling on my side and allowed him to do whatever he thinks he needs to do on his end. I wrote him a letter with clear boundaries as to what I would/would not tolerate and we separated the finances for the time being.

    I won't lie and say things have been easy or even close to it. My children (all 4 under 11) are missing their daddy, and I really am not loving being a single mom (while going to school full time). I am having to take a hard look at MYSELF and my contributions to this whole mess, which isn't fun either. I read and reread the  book Codependent No More, which I think anyone on here should read IMMEDIATELY, because if you're like me, the entire book is applicable to your situations.

    The first few weeks were horrible, adjusting to the new normal, dealing with being alone, all of the emotions still between us. But slowly things leveled out a bit. It has been extremely hard for me to let go of all of the things that I had previously taken care of for him. Most were out of fear of what would happen if I didn't do it, like making sure he filled/took his meds, making sure he got up for work, making sure he turned in paperwork, etc. I had to quit that all cold turkey. He has stumbled around quite a bit on things, and is not doing it perfectly, but slowly he is picking back up the things that I had taken from him for so long.

    I realized (after reading the Codependent book), that the reason I was doing so much rescuing and taking care of so many things for him was because I didn't trust him to take care of himself, that I thought he was incompetent. In the process, he came to believe the same thing, that he was incapable of taking care of himself. The result was little to no self-confidence or ability to believe in himself. We were both stuck in this cycle of dependence and reacting that was miserable for both of us and got us nowhere.

    The separation, while extreme, forced him to face the choice of either giving himself 100% to fixing what was wrong, or losing his family. The consequences were/are in his face daily, and he knows that if we don't figure this out and quit running from it, we will lose our marriage.

    We started Melissa's class on October 1st, and it has been an awesome resource and way for us to talk about the issues that got us to where we are now. He is finally willing to look at his part in things, and not run away because he's overwhelmed or afraid that I'm saying it's all his fault. Melissa does a great job of keeping both partners accountable for their part in the process, and not blaming it on one or the other. She is very clear about saying that if things are to get any better you BOTH have to work on your actionsr/reactions.

    We are still in the beginning stages of fixing our relationship, but for the first time in a long time I have faith that we can make it work, without me having to sacrifice my happiness and live the rest of my life as his mother instead of his wife. I just wanted to encourage everyone here that no matter how dark it seems, if you have two people willing to find a way to make it work, you can do it. The problem, I think, a lot of the time with ADHDers, is getting them to the place that they realize that this is NOT something that can just be blown over or ignored. It may take something extreme or serious enough that they sit up and take notice.

    It was not until I was willing to admit the reality of our situation, and realize that I would be miserable for the rest of my life if things didn't change drastically, that I was brave enough to lay it all on the line and possibly lose my marriage. I am still struggling daily with my codependent habits and I know we're a long way from having things fixed, but I know that no matter what the outcome of this, I and my kids (and my husband) will be in a better place because of it.

    You CANNOT live the rest of your life being responsible for another adult. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control them, and you will make yourself crazy and miserable in the process. Your spouse IS capable of taking responsibility for themselves and their own actions, but that will not happen until you step back and allow/force them to do so. You DESERVE peace, you DESERVE to be loved, and you DESERVE a partner, not another child.

    I hope my story/progress helps someone, I know it helped ME to read anything that seemed to help other couples in my situation when I was at my lowest point. Sometimes you just need a nudge to get on the road to where you need to go.

  • Son of an ADD Mother and my marriage is falling apart. by: BenSoTired 11 years 2 weeks ago

    Hi,

    I have been visiting this forum for about a year and after reading.listening to the book realized I should have posted a long time ago as people seem to have the same experiences. If you've been where I am, I'd  really appreciate your advice on what I can do t avoid walking away from my Marriage.

    My wife was diagnosed with ADD (no Hyperactivity) when she was in grade-school and it was what I'd call a defining trauma of her childhood- she would stay up all night in 5th grade reading ahead in their classroom reading so she could fake the reading out loud when it came to her turn or would try to go to the bathroom anytime she had to do something in front of the class and was almost held back for learning disabilities that led to her diagnosis. She also had an SAT score in high-school that almost kept her from college until she found a way through U-Wisc Osh-Kosh which specializes in ADD accommodations and from there she transferred to Madison and went on to a Master's Degree. We met working in the United Nations in Pakistan and she is earning 6-figures and not even 30 yet! So definitely and over-achiever, but one who has had to fight 6 times as hard to get there. She will never let anyone tell her she can't do something and always reaches for her goals until she meets them. A very remarkable woman. Also a complete sweetie and one of the most sympathetic and socially intelligent people I have ever met. Actually, I have learned many of my emotional skills from her and for much of our relationship felt that if she said it was so I should probably defer as she would know better than me on anything behavioral, especially when it came to self esteem, relationships, and family.

    If you can't tell, I have a lot of love and respect for this woman. She is the love of my life and the only person who has given me real happiness. Since I met her, I've gone from PTSD, Suicidal, estranged and angry from my family, and with poorly managed Diabetes, to someone who is relatively on top of those issues. I should say, I had some help from a very good therapist, a lot of Effexor, and what has been a lifetime of determination on my part to move past my past.

    We have been married for 2 years and dated for 3, but we are both about ready to walk away from the marriage. As my wife would say 'change happens when the pain becomes greater than the fear'. My viewpoint on this is that basically my wife is not willing to acknowledge that her ADD has serious effects on our lives that could reasonably make an otherwise very supportive husband angry. She won't talk to me about it anymore because she feels it will all be blaming her and her self-esteem can't take that anymore. I also know she is half right about this. My mom had/has very bad ADD that she has never addressed. This means I'm walking around with a whole host of anger-towards-my-mom issues that spill over into our relationship. My mom was never reliable, would forget about me and my siblings, she once sat reading a magazine while my brother was beating me up, etc...) So seriously negative ADD impacts on me. So I'm wondering if our marriage is basically doomed by the fact that I had to step-up all the time as a kid to take care of myself when my mom would 'forget ----' which makes me take on the parental role in almost every situation.

    I think this makes me extra judgmental and angry when my wife 'lets me down' in someway like forgetting to refill her medication on time, not remembering things I've told her (and blaming me for her not knowing), or lately over-focusing on work at the expense of things spending time on our move from the USA to France which I've shouldered in many ways 'to be supportive'. I know she loves that 'she can be herself with me' and that I am 'so understanding' which I definitely am, but the flip side is we've never had a system for me to say 'ok i need things to move back in the other direction now'. I feel like she'd do fine on her own, but when I'm in the picture its just assumed she shouldn't have to do much or worry much.

    My wife and I both know I have these issues, and we both know she has ADD symptoms. What we break-down about is how I can ask her to take on more when she feels that no matter how much she does its not enough. She feels blamed and that her self-esteem is lashed constantly by my anger. And I feel that there isn't any validation of my anger or hurt so naturally it never gets resolved (let alone us agreeing to how to manage something differently).

    I think we are both ready to walk away at this point, although its more likely to be me than her as inaction seems to be one of her major symptoms that we fight about. If anyone can give me a step by step on how to break this cycle I'd really appreciate it. She knows I've read this book, but she refuses to look at it as she says she doesn't need to as she's heard everything 'they have to say about ADHD'. I know I can't 'make her' do anything or be anything and am now just wondering if all I can do is walk away to escape the kind of angry projections and denial I get hit with every-time I say 'we need to be able to talk about how to deal with this without breaking up'.

    This post looks way to long and rambling, but hopefully there's another Husband of a high-functioning ADD Woman out there who can explain to me how to pierce the denial-bubble...

    Help,

    Ben

     

  • Feeling trapped by: soconfused 11 years 2 weeks ago

    I've been posting on this forum on and off lately, trying to figure out whether my husband might have ADHD. I have a strong suspicion that he does, but it feels like such a battle to get him to admit he might need help that I'm starting to feel like just giving up. We've been married for a little over 2 years, and it's been just about the hardest period of my life. I think often about divorcing and getting my old life back -- conflict-free, financially secure, perhaps a bit lonely but more or less devoid of daily stress. I have chronic depression which was well-controlled by medication before we got married, but now I'm increasing my dosage and planning to see a therapist because my depression has worsened. I get so angry at him that I yell and call him names -- jerk, asshole, etc. -- and I feel terrible about that. I don't want to be a person who acts that way. But it's gotten to the point that we can't seem to talk about anything important without it turning into a fight, and my level of tolerance is virtually zero. My resentment of him is starting to outweigh everything else.

    The problem (well, aside from all the others) is that my husband is, currently, totally dependent on me. He has significant student loan debt that he barely makes enough to pay off each month, and covering his own living expenses would not be a possibility for him right now. The thought of leaving him makes me feel incredibly guilty, like I'd be abandoning a child. On the one hand I think it would do him good to have to take care of himself, but on the other hand I just don't know that he can do it. He's got terrible credit and a defaulted loan in his name, so I'm not sure he could even get someone to lease him an apartment. He might very well have to move back to his parents' house in a different state and become dependent on them. Basically, I'd be totally screwing him over. So I vacillate between trying to convince myself that things can get better if we keep working at it, and telling myself that I'll just hang in there until he can eventually make enough money to support himself, and then leave. I feel trapped and am starting to hate myself for getting into this situation in the first place.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Can't Blame it all on the ADD baby by: DeeDee1980 11 years 2 weeks ago

    Just my 2 cents.... I've been only recently diagnosed ADHD. And my partner is frustrated as hell with the ensuing depression, disorganization, and lack of interest in EVERYTHING that I seem to feel these days. So on top of my pain I very acutely feel HIS pain as well. I've been reading several posts on the topic, by the ADHD and their partners and YES! It is a super frustrating condition for anyone it touches. That being said..... Before we get hung up on Labels.... Because (sadly) my Beautiful, Wonderful, Smart, Responsible and caring SO has saddled me as an Irresponsible Scatterbrain who thrives in chaos. While I Spontaneous, Creative, Funny Me have (sadly) him with the label of Uptight, Controlling and Anal. Little bit of contradiction there, for both of us.

     

    its simple  for both parties to blame the ADD for  EEVERYTHING  in the relationship.... But  is it fair? We are all made up of positive and negative "quirks" and opposites DO attract for everyone in all marriages/partnerships. You love what you lack, then it drives you mental!!! Whether in an ADHD relationship or not, the divorce rate is staggeringly high... Is that because 60% of the population has ADHD? Not likely, good buddies! We are MAN and we are WOMAN.... There's already a big disparity right there! We don't communicate the same way in the first place, let's face it! 

    I think what we are failing to realize is that ADHD is not the ONLY contributing factor to the demise of relationships. The good old adage "It takes 2 to Tangle" is very apt.  Society sets  ius  up to think that marriage is a never ending  state of bliss... And it's NOT! That is not to say that  ADHD behaviours aren't frustrating... THEY ARE! So this is not an invalidating of very real feelings... It's more of a reality check for ADHDs  and their  partners. The marriage should motivate the ADHD partner into  better understanding and managing the condition, and provided that happens, the  "Non"  needs to love  their partner because of and in spite of ADHD. No human being on this planet is perfect and we all have room to improve. Just sayin. 

     

    PS- I have ADHD, but I practice what I preach... I would  NEVER cheat on my partner out of Boredom. I  never have and never will ADHD aside, I  know what' commitment  means. I'd rather watch paint dry for years than hurt my Guy like that. And with ADHD... That's sayin something!  While some "normal" people  do it to eachother ALL the time!!!! 

     

    God Bless You All!!! Xo

  • How to deal with lying and defensiveness? by: GoingThru 11 years 2 weeks ago

    I am really at the end of my rope and would appreciate any feedback or advice from those who know where I'm coming from.

    My husband of 20 years has ADHD. About a year ago, he left me. He was tired of my anger and frustration over his ADHD behaviors. Sadly, I had just found Melissa's book and had a newfound hope for our struggling marriage, but he maintained that the problems in our relationship were my fault (control issues, anger issues, etc). He did start taking Adderall, but otherwise refused to see his part in our problems and walked away from 17 years of marriage. A big reason for him leaving was that he had found a cute young girlfriend. She dumped him after a few weeks, and he then started dating other women casually. After 6 months of this, he decided he still loved me, didn't like being single, and wanted to come back home. I took him back, and am now questioning that decision.

    I love him. He's a good guy: fun, energetic, adventurous, and bold. He wants to be (and often is) a good dad to our kids. He is very impulsive and prone to lying. I don't know how aware of this he is. He is a highly compartmentalized person. He hides things away, and once I discover these secret things (or even get close to discovering them), he becomes angry, defensive, and verbally abusive. He throws things. He tells me that I am horrible. He threatens to leave me. 

    Recently, he asked me to sort through, open, and organize about 2 months of his unopened mail. In that stack of mail I found a poem that he had written for his ex-girlfriend (the one he left me for). It bummed me out to see it, but I got over it (the relationship is physically over, though he's still hung up on her) and continued to clean up his mess. A couple weeks later, he gave me an edited version of the same poem. I tried to be happy about it, but was pretty hurt and told him about the poem that I had found. He became furious, called me ungrateful and mean, angrily denied that such a poem had ever existed, and accused me of having mental problems and making things up to hurt him. This event has played out many times in recent years (when I discovered he had slept with an old family friend, when I discovered that he had gone to a "massage" parlor in Vegas, etc). He denies any responsibly, lies, and accuses me of having trust/psychological issues.

    He denies that he lies. He denies that he is defensive or angry. He won't read Melissa's book with me and won't even discuss ADHD issues if they negatively affect me (but will discuss what a gift it can be), and he actively avoids me when I'm upset by something he's done. Does this ring a bell with anyone? Is there hope? When I ask him to confront his distance from the truth and deal with his anger, it backfires in a powerful way (ie, that I'm crazy and he'll leave me if I don't stop being crazy). I don't want to live like this. Any suggestions? I don't want to give up on him.

    Thanks for listening. I know there's a lot of pain and frustration out there. I want to improve our marriage, but I feel very alone in this effort.

  • Just divorced last week, and wondering about a practical question by: Sueann 11 years 2 weeks ago

    I finally left my husband when I lost my job, because he hadn't tried to look for a job, or done anything to maintain our house, in over a year. Someone in a relationship has to work, and someone has to keep the house and cook the meals. That can be co-operative or you can go with one works and the other keeps the house together. But someone has to do it. Our divorce was final on Friday.

    I went to look at a car that was offered on Craigslist in the city where I lived for the last 20 years, and he still does. The car didn't work out, so I stopped by the house we rented. He never locks the door, so I was able to walk right in. The house reeked. Positively reeked. Part of the porch had fallen in. It looked like an episode of Hoarders. I dropped off what I was leaving for him and left.

    This is clearly unsafe and unsanitary. I'm worried about him and about our animals. The dog seemed fine but I don't know what happened to the cat. He might just have been out "catting around", or he might have run away like his sister did. :)

    Now what should I do? I have several options.

    Let him stew in his own filth.

    Let the landlord know so he will evict my ex. Landlord is an individual investor and doesn't deserve to have his house destroyed. That would leave ex homeless and God knows what would happen to the animals. I can't take the dog.

    Call some sort of social service agency. Who?

    Try to talk to his mother, who is a first-class enabler.

    I feel responsible for the dog. I feel that the landlord shouldn't have to suffer for renting to us. I was raised with the guiding principal never to do anything that has a negative effect on anyone else. I am worried about my ex because he's probably too miserable to see his way out of the mess. He would never clean when I lived with him. It was "too overwhelming".

    Anyone have any suggestions? I'm guessing it would cost at least $5000 to make the house suitable for a new tenant. the floors will all need to be replaced (hardwood), and probably the walls too because of the prevasiveness of the smell. I am devastated to know I was married to a man who could live like that.

     

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