Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Can we compromise on a "reasonable" way to volunteer by: ReallyAmTrying 11 years 4 weeks ago

    A little over a year ago, I volunteered for my state's State Defenses Force (state military) and currently serve in a search and rescue capacity.  My wife complains that my interest and therefore time and attention spent on the SDF snowballed into something she was completely unprepared for (par for the course for me, I guess).  Things had gotten really bad between us, and I feel like drill weekends were a welcome escape for me, and a symbol to my wife of the attention I was unable to focus on her.

    She convinced me to seek therapy, and at the same time, I requested a leave of absence from drills and training since it seemed the SDF had become a major barrier between us. When the therapist didn't immediately label me ADHD, but instead wanted to work with both of us on what I viewed as typical marriage counseling issues (us time vs. me time, communication), my wife quit coming to sessions.  She's actually offended the therapist didn't agree with "her diagnosis".  It was as if she was saying "I'm not broken, you are."  So now I've got my wife pressuring me to find another therapist, and my therapist pressuring me to get my wife back into sessions.  I didn't make an appointment for next time.  Not really sure where to go from here.

    In the mean time, with no outside activities, my wife says things between us have gotten somewhat better.  She doesn't want me to go back to the SDF.  I realize it's a big time commitment.  There are emergency call-ups and last-minute schedule changes.  My wife can't stand when a schedule changes, but people tend not to schedule getting lost in the mountains ahead of time.  And I'll be away a couple of times a year for a few days at the time, another thing she can't stand.  I tried to discuss what she thinks would be a reasonable amount of time for me to spend with the SDF at drils and training, but we just ended up fighting.  She basically told me she didn't want to be married to a soldier. She would never be okay with me going out on an emergency call, whether we had plans or not.

    I know I tend to over extend myself, but this just doesn't sound reasonable to me at all.  Can any of you offer any advice on working toward a compromise?

  • What is your spin on this situation by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 4 weeks ago

    A 4 hour casual wedding reception.

    No alcohol.

    Close to 200 guests.

    432 cans of pop/soda in a variety of flavors.

    2 hours into the reception, one flavor has only a few cans left.

    There is still plenty of pop for the remaining 2 hours.  Over 200 cans in a variety of flavors.  Plus coffee.  Plus tea.  And guests are already slowly departing.

    The Father of the Bride feels there is just not enough pop and leaves the reception to go purchase more.   He needed to go buy more.  He HAD to go buy more.

    After the reception is over, there is close to 300 cans of pop left over. . . . . . . not to mention the dent in the reception budget.

    These are the sort of battles that plague me.  Leave him alone to do his own thing versus I knew what I was doing, I had it under control, but he bulldozed over me and did what he wanted anyway.  

    I chose to enjoy our daughter's reception.  He had to get pop, he went and got pop.  Oh, how not to stuff my feelings, oh how to live with this stuff.  Oh how not to lose my sanity.  

    Yes, I wanted him at the reception.

    Yes, I wanted him to ask someone to help him.

    Yes, I just don't get it.  

    I would like to think if we were independently wealthy these things wouldn't matter.  But we are in 10's of thousands of dollars in debt. And this is the sort of spending that messes with our finances every time. 

    And I don't know the steps to handle these situations when they arise.  

     

     

     

  • Self Esteem by: jennalemon 11 years 4 weeks ago

    I am working hard at stopping the blame game and to stop being frustrated because of what other people do.  I am learning that for me to have self esteem, I get to trust my feelings and thoughts and to honor them.  I don't have to be held hostage by someone else's opinion of me or their thoughts or feelings. I am working hard at not feeling guilty for other people.  I do respect those who know what they want and honor themselves more than a wishy-washy indecisive coward....which is what I was turning in to. I am going to like myself again.

    It is helpful in this if you are surrounded by people who also model good self esteem and support you in yours.  Even in difficult situations then,  a person is more able to hold on to what is important to themselves because they are accepted and loved by a community of people with which they belong.  What happens when a community they belong to rejects and criticizes you is that you start to doubt your thoughts, and doubt the allowance to be who you are and think like you think.

    This goes for both of us on each side of the ADD/ non ADD coupledom.  How do we both get our self-esteem back?  

    Right now, I can't work on giving dh his self-esteem since I don't have it to give.  I never thought I NEEDED respect.  I thought I only wanted love and was willing to work and be of service and support and sacrifice my self for the good of the family (right or wrong).  But my love has not been enough to make a loving relationship. Somehow both of us have lost respect for ourselves and each other. Self respect has moved up to be an important need for me because of its lack in my life.

    I believe that having this forum in which to vent and document my journey through this has supported me to put my feelings and thoughts on display and be responded to. I am not perfect.  But my thoughts sometimes need to be acknowledged by others who are supportive.  My thoughts and feelings are not wrong.  They are what they are. People may disagree with me or I might hurt people's feelings with my feelings.  That is life.  I get to accept that and stop taking things personal and grow from the challenges in life rather than feel like a victim. 

    Thank you all for the supportive community.  And thank you Melissa for permitting us our rants and ravings in an accepting forum.

  • Measurable progress/improvement by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 1 month ago

    Today was one of those "this is THE day" days.  My ADHD spouse thinks our relationship is bent.  I think it is broken.  Our 29th anniversary last Sunday was only a date on the calendar.  For me - enough.

    I drew up a list of 11 things "I" need to show our marriage is moving into a positive direction.  Some are negotiable - some are not.  He always says he is improving - I just can't see it.  I see him trying hard - but not in the areas that will improve our marriage.  

    A few of the nonnegotiable are:

    1.  I will not re-arrange our debt with a debt consolidation loan - ever again - yes, ever - unless there is an event out of our control - earthquake, fire, illness, major accident, tornado.

    2.  We will build a fence so that his 'stuff" can be out of my immediate sight, so we can sit on the deck and enjoy the view of nature - not his "stuff."

    3.  No porn.  None. 

    4.  He needs to find a way - with a counselor or book or however he chooses - to acknowledge when myself, my son, our daughter or new son-in-law - indicate a "negative" ADHD behavior is stirring up chaos.

    5.  We will draw up a budget - and stick to it.

    6.  No working on Sunday.  We did that for 25 some years.  Then in his anger, he just started doing whatever he wanted - working every day, not doing any chores, ignoring his promise to support me emotionally while I am back in school.  

    I really don't care at the moment if he feels I am giving him an ultimatum.  I AM!!!!

    I have applied for a live-in nanny position.  I told my spouse that we either work on our marriage, or I am working on getting out.

    I did promise for better for worse, for richer or poorer.  So did he.  To me, worse equals things out of our control; consistent poor choices and refusal of help are not something I will stand by.  .    

     

     

  • Divorce in Progress - ADHD treatment just resumed after 18 years (I'm 36 now). How to get my wife to check back in? by: genuinecharm 11 years 1 month ago

    Hello,

    For several years my wife has wanted a divorce, and she finally told me a year and a half ago.  I was in denial for a long time.  All of her complaints mirror textbook ADHD behavior exactly, including angry outbursts, negativity, impulsive behavior and pressure speech (oh the pressure speech is the worst), threats to commit suicide, homicide, etc.  All of those were seen as manipulative tactics because I was "the boy who cried wolf".  Things got worse and I developed a cyberstalking behavior and tracked her online, called her friends, thought she was cheating, threatened suicide again, checked myself in as a 5150.  The list goes on and it's a real smorgasboard of shit sandwiches.  She finally served me with a divorce petition in October.  Smart woman.  October 4th to be exact.  I begged her not to, but I agreed to be amicable.  Believe it or not, we started getting along a little better and even had sex once after the acceptance of process.

    Now she is vehemently convinced that I was a charmer the whole time and just put on an act, but I wasn't.  She asked me if I was a psychopath and at first I was worried I was.  I'm not.  I've never been psychotic, just impulsive and reckless.

    Let me just say that as an ADHD spouse I was a definite abuser, and I never sought treatment for the right thing.  In fact, I took lexapro for anxiety disorder which actually magnified the symptom of ADHD.  I believe she has forgiven me for the years of abuse, but there are definite behavior patterns that things that I have done which make her question my sanity.  All of these are impulsive actions that would have been prevented by me having the proper medications.

    * Stalking her online and pretending to be someone else.  Everyone has compulsive thoughts but only ADHD people act on them.

    * Banging my own head against the wall on two occasions, one while holding our two week old (6/15/2013)

    * Slamming my head in the car door.  (That happened last Sunday) (10/13/2013)

    This sounds pretty hopeless right?  Well, maybe not.  In May I was having work problems at my job.  Let's just say I work at a place that puts things on Mars and I'm so-so at what I do.  I'm not a rocket scientist but affable and people like me.  I went to a psychiatrist who administered a quotient test and diagnosed me with ADHD.  I thought it was nonsense.  I had that as a kid and it went away when I was 18.

    As a youth, I was treated with Ritalin from age 9 to age 18.  I was excellently behaved and very reserved, even shy, and great at getting things done.  I had no social life.  I'm a good looking guy but I couldn't talk to the girls.  I wanted to be more outgoing and the ADHD meds were hampering that -- or so I thought.  So I went off my meds and about a month later I kissed a girl for the first time.  For 18 years until TUESDAY of THIS WEEK, October 15, 2013, I was not on any medication.

    I started taking Adderall XR, which I should have taken starting in May when my doctor recommended it.  When I went back this week he said to me, "If you had taken this in May, you would not have been acting out and would not be getting a divorce."  It was hard for me to hear it, but it gave me hope.

    I've been on the medication for three days and I am mellow once again like when I was younger.  Due to the paradoxical effect, chemicals like Ritalin, Adderall, and Caffeine have a calming effect on me, since I have ADHD.  Otherwise, I would have gotten worse, not better.

    Unfortunately, yesterday my wife called the police to report my last Sunday episode of self-harm since it occurred in front of our children.  I'm not sure if her motivation was custody-related or genuine concern or a mixture of both.  However, I kept cool even during the police questioning, did not break down, did not faint, or any of that histrionics that she was used to, but she was in tears.  She left with the kids.  She went to her sister's house.  I don't blame her.  She has lost all trust for my ability to contain myself, just as I was regaining it.

    I have continued to remain calm and am confident that I can continue to keep my cool and not lose my temper.  In addition, I am going to regular psychotherapy.

    My wife has dug her heels in vis-a-vis the divorce and I do not expert her to change her mind overnight.  However, in light of this diagnostic information and the fact that we have two children together and she has a psychology degree from UCLA, I have to believe that she is a rational person.  I've always said she's the Stephen Hawking of emotions.  Right now, from what I can tell, she is terrified of being around me, and it's very possible that her fight or flight mechanism might engage at the very sight of me. 

    I have spoken to my psychiatrist who treated me from 1997 - 2003 in Palo Alto, and my psychiatrist who treats me now, and I want to see if there is something they can say to her.  I can not expect her to cancel divorce proceedings overnight, but I have asked her to delay things, not to go to counseling which she has always refused, but mainly to let me get better.

    Even after three days on the meds I am in excellent mental shape, even laughing about things I never used to laugh about.  I was also incredibly helpful with the kids the last few days.  Unfortunately, since she hired someone to help, she has not been home as much and did not see how excellent I was with our 3 year old.  I hope to have an opportunity to demonstrate. Forever.

    How can I re-gain my wife's trust in me as a person?  I know it may take a while, but In a matter of days I am back to my old self, and I am getting things done around the house.  The house I have to move out of this weekend.  I don't feel that she has to worry any more but I understand why she is.

    What can I do to:  Regain my wife's comfort around me and comfort with me taking care of the kids?  Regain her trust about me as a long term partner?  Help her forgive me and consider something less drastic like legal separation or something like a timetable for divorce cancelation.  I really feel like she never got to know the real me and I'm sad because I thought I was giving her my best all along and I just haven't been.

    Right now, I am not doing anything manipulative or underhanded.  It's my actual diagnosis from 1986 and it never changed.  Everything else was just me jumping to conclusions.  Apparently people with ADHD even self-diagnose all the time, and that's an impulsive behavior.  The good news is I have no personality disorder, and very minor neurosis about my hair line, and no thought disorder.  I just have poor impulse control and that's under control.

    Has anyone any stories about marriages already into divorce proceedings that can get pulled from the brink of finailzation by a decision to treat ADHD?  I know there is hope, but I want to present documented evidence to her since she is a facts girl.  I'm willing to do all of the heavy lifting myself to get better, but just need her to be comfortable believeing me.  There's still a lot of love left, and it's a tiny flame, but it's there and I want to give it what it needs to grow.

    Thanks,

    Jon

  • Spouses abandoning their families and obligations by: PoisonIvy 11 years 1 month ago

    My husband provides care for his aging parents.  They are quite dependent on him.  My father-in-law is, admittedly, bossy and hard to get along with.  My husband said yesterday that his father has expressed fear of my husband leaving, and my husband said he had actually told his sister that he would walk out if his dad gets too bossy. 

    This morning, I'm wondering if my husband bragged to anyone when he withdrew from me and stopped providing me with emotional and financial support. I feel bereft.

  • I'm the Non-ADHD spouse by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 1 month ago

    I thought I was working on my marriage.  I am starting to think I am totally co-dependent - or a total idiot.  Or a co-dependent idiot.  

    I am just sitting on my pity-pot for a bit.

    I've been in this marriage for 29 years.

    I really want it to work.

    I stopped the Mother/Child relationship.

    I focused on me - being happy, going to school, enjoying my friends, scrapbooking, visiting my family.  

    I quit mentioning anything - his chore that doesn't get done.  His lateness.  His junk.  

    I worked to be my happy joyful self - with the far dreaming plan that he would want to focus on getting his negative ADHD behaviors under control so our relationship could be resurrected.

    Then I found porn on the computer.  

    And almost reamed out my son.  Glad I didn't.  It was my spouse.  

    I am totally, and utterly confounded. I thought he would turn to me - rather than choose a clearly destructive route.  This is something I never, ever would have thought would happen.  Never.  Not in my wildest imagining.

    Now I see him choosing to be in his sadness.  In a victim mode.  Woe is him.  Behavior he was driven to - . . . .

    I just have no words.  None.  Other than I want to get in the car and start driving far, far away.  Arggghhhh........

        

  • Trying to be strong but my wife is leaving by: Hubbybear 11 years 1 month ago

    My wife told me three weeks ago in therapy she wants a separation. I was shocked as earlier at dinner she was planning out Christmas gifts for my nieces and nephews we would be visiting this Christmas.

    I am trying to be strong and we have worked out the rules for our separation. We will go to couples therapy and individual therapy. I am moving out to an apartment and we will have weekly "dates." The problem is that she wants to date other people because of her lack of "experience". I am the only person she has ever been with and because of her weight before me, she was too insecure to have intimate relationships with other people. 

    Part of our problem is that we have a "Parent-Child Transactional relationship" based on my childhood trauma, depression and ADHD. Because of this when I get upset or stressed, I shut down and start lacking in my responsibilities at home. This causes my wife to stress because she takes over the responsibilities. I have been in therapy to address this and it was in this therapy she broke the news to me.

    Last night in our first couples therapy she reveled that there was someone she had met months ago that she might consider dating now but did not pursue because we were working on things. I have loved and cared for her for nearly six years and even now, she is the only one I want. It kills me to think of her with anyone else but I understand that I haven't been the best to her because of my issues. I want her to be happy because I love her but I can't help to think that she will find someone better than me and any hope will be lost.

    I have never met anyone like her and we compliment each other. She tells me that love and romance were never the issue with us, it was my shutting down and letting stuff in the house go.
    I am being strong and respecting her space and moving out soon but I am afraid that she is separating with me not to work on our own self improvement but to make the end of our marriage easier for her. 

    I don't know any help or advice is welcomed. I know I have to be patient but right now, I feel like I am in Bizzaro world.

  • How do I do what God commands: respect my husband when I really want to choke him!? by: slettums 11 years 1 month ago

    I'm really not going to choke him.  kidding.  Here's the deal: as is for many of you my faith means everything to me.  I am SOOOOOOOOO struggling how to respect my husband as is God's command when his ADHD drives me crazy.  I feel like life is just easier if I let him do what he wants but I so disagree with him at times.  Example: got ourselves into huge credit card debt and I took on a second job to pay it off.  Instead of helping me he in turn has tried to get more credit and loans. funny thing is he need my income to qualify for anything and he can't get anything on his own so then he is mad at me again.  How do I respect that behavior?  He would never pay off his debt if I wasn't forcing him to do so. He thinks because he is the "man of the house" that if we disagree he should get the final word.  Some of these decisions are detrimental to our kids and I am beside myself to try to step back and have him treat them with rudeness and anger.  He comes from a household that was very dysfunctional and VERY controlling. He tries to do this with the kids especially our 15 year old son. Great kid and dealing with typical teen issues.  Just got his driving permit and we were discussing the "speed limit".  The kid is well aware of the speed limit and my view is if he gets a ticket he is paying for it and the hike in our insurance premium and I will take his cell phone (best punishment ever!).  My husband just screams at him to DRIVE 55.  In a few months we wont be in the vehicle to watch him anyway and he has to make his own decisions and deal with the consequences.  How do I show respect for my husband without being trampled by his anger and "my way or the highway" expectation of me?

    catscats

  • Self Preservation by: greatgrace42 11 years 1 month ago

    I'm new to this site, but it has been sooo very resourceful for me. I've been married to my ADD Spouse for almost 20 years. He is a good father and for the most part tries to be a good husband. He is considerate, giving and he doesn't really have a selfish bone in his body. He does however have ADD and was diagnosed over 10 years ago. He has all the classic symptoms, but inconsistency, forgetfulness and procrastination are the BIGGEST.

    I have been there for him through thick and thin good and bad, but I've had my fill. The issues we have gone through financially, emotionally and the like all stem from the fact that I can't manage it all; kids, work and his life too. He goes missing in action a lot - just falls off into another world. I usually don't know he's gone (mentally) until I am left with a mess to clean up. As I said earlier, he was diagnosed 10 years ago, but decided he didn't like the way the meds made him feel so he stopped taking them. He didn't ask me my opinion he just stopped. Maybe because I have him an ultimatum and so once he thought things were fine he stopped complying.

    I've just recently told him that I want a separation and filled him in on my plans to leave. He is grasping at straws again, he has made an appointment to see a doctor again, wants counseling again (we've been 3-4 different times throughout our marriage) and has vowed that he recognizing that he needs help. This seems to always be the case once I declare that I'm fed up. Nothing he does is an original thought of his own, only a repeated version of what I've said. At the end of it all I realize that I don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. I am chronically angry, tired of seeking personally mental counseling because I think something is wrong with me and taking anxiety meds because I am nervous and stressed all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Most of all I am sick of arguing/yelling, especially in earshot of my kids.

    I've made the decision to preserve what is left of my life, happiness, hope and love for my kids, myself and God. Just hate feeling like because I am choosing me I am being selfish and that the reasons are petty. 

    Greatgrace42

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