Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • For the ADD/ADHDer who WANTS TO TRY....what to do by: jennalemon 11 years 1 month ago

    Examples of ADD/ADHD behaviors that show that someone is ABLE TO LOVE AND PUT SOME EFFORT toward connection and partnership:

    1. He has set up multiple systems for remembering things so that he is taking some responsibility for what he knows he doesn't automatically think of and do.  ie: Time spent working up a budget between income and monthly bills that he MAKES HIMSELF reminding himself daily/weekly.  Then pays the bills and discusses finances with you. He has a work list with priorities attached and DOES the #1 thing on that list.

    2.  He has set up automatic withdrawals for savings and retirement. 

    3.  He asks family members how they are doing every day and starts just as many sincere conversations as they do.

    4.  He lets his spouse/loved one know where he is every day and invites them to keep in touch because he wants to connect and have them in his thoughts and life.

    5.  He says good morning and good night and hello and goodbye each and every time he wakes/sleeps/leaves/arrives.

    6.  AND MOST IMPORTANT -  He subtly does things that prove that he thinks of his family.  ie: He will hurry when he knows someone is waiting for him so that the wait is as small as it needs to be. HIS SPOUSE HAS THE INNATE FEELING INSIDE THAT HE CAN BE TRUSTED AND DEPENDED ON AND THAT IF THERE IS A SUBJECT NEEDING DISCUSSION, HE WILL BE HAPPY TO DISCUSS AND COME TO A CONSENSUS AS PARTNERS. 

  • Feelings by: PoisonIvy 11 years 1 month ago

    I kind of hijacked another topic so I decided to create my own.  

    I know that we can affect other people's feelings.  But I do think that each of us has the responsibility for our own feelings, including working to change our behaviors and reactions when our responses to things aren't productive.

    Here is an example.  My husband told me that when he gets email messages from me in which I complain about something, he has to engage in "respiratory control."  I took this to mean that seeing and reading my messages results in him feeling anxious.  This is a bad thing because anxiety isn't, in this context, a productive reaction.  In response to the anxiety, my husband shuts down and doesn't respond to my messages and he doesn't work on the problems or issues about which I'm complaining.  My husband's approach is then to say to me, "Don't communicate your complaints to me.  I can't handle them.  See, I have this physiological and behavioral response!" So far, you might still think that I am MAKING my husband react this way and therefore it is my responsibility to not talk about problems so as to spare him anxiety.

    But I suggest considering a similar example.  I feel anxiety, sometimes manifesting in stomach pain and feelings that I can't breathe, when I'm worried about my children.  My children are now traveling abroad, one with a group in Asia and the other by herself in Europe.  I feel anxious about their trips because bad things could happen to them.  So, should I tell my daughters not to travel because they're MAKING feel anxious?  Of course not!  If I don't want to feel anxious, it's my responsibility to work on responding in a more healthy and productive way to my concerns.  

    Likewise, I believe it's my husband's responsibility to work on responding in a more healthy and productive way when I bring up issues that concern him.  

  • ADD or ASS? by: MovingOnNow 11 years 1 month ago

    This an earnest question, when someone makes decisions and takes actions that they are completely aware are hurtful and destructive, can it really be ADD, or are they just an a$$hole? And actually, does it even matter?

    My husband has been diagnosed bipolar, and then ADD. He will not take medication. 25 years of marriage, 3 amazing kids. More job losses, financial stress and cycles of anger than I can describe. 20 years ago he had an emotional affair and we got through it with counseling and moving to another state. 2 years ago, he had another emotional affair. Back to counseling (couples and individual and he ended the interactions with the woman) and he began to accept that he has ADD, but wouldn't take meds. This year, I was laid off and all 3 kids were prepping to head out on their own amazing adventures - another high-stress time for all. I discovered this summer that when I lost my job, he reconnected with his "friend" from 2 years ago. (Despite several therapists identifying his relationship as an emotional affair in every sense of the word, he still categorizes it is just a friendship.)

    This time I will not go to counseling until the "friendship" is suspended  - his counselor, mine and a couples counselor concur. He refuses to give up the relationship. He has moved out (to his sister's) and won't communicate with anyone about how he is feeling, what he wants, what he intends to do. The kids are devastated that he has chosen this path rather than attempt to work to any sort of mutual decision about our marriage. I feel no option but to start legal separation actions.

    I recognize the impact of ADD and the inappropriately angry reactions that I contributed to the negativity of our marriage.  I'm still willing to talk and try to work on some sort of relationship. However, his choice to continue a relationship that causes me pain and to put it at a higher value than our marriage and family doesn't feel like ADD. It feels like he is simply an a$$hole. 

    I've talked with several other women who have similar stories - bad behavior later categorized as untreated ADD, but by then the relationships are destroyed. 

    Interested to hear thoughts and insights from the forum. 

  • Want to separate from ADHD husband...struggling...need advice! by: csidra 11 years 1 month ago

    My husband and I have been together for 8 years, have one 3 yr old son. My husband has never been diagnosed with ADHD as he has never sought out any help, doesn't think he has a problem. His father mentioned to me years ago that my husband should've been diagnosed with ADHD as a child. He also has a head injury from a bad car accident he had in his teens. All thru our relationship and marriage there has been emotional /verbal abuse. He has had numerous screaming fits, tantrums if he lost something or couldn't fix something. I've left many times only to come back and try again after all of his promises to change. He has stopped calling me names and having huge tantrums but I'm afraid the damage has been done...been called every name in the book, had things thrown at me, seen him punch holes in the wall, he's spit in my face, the list goes on. I have no trust in him and have shut down emotionally, although now a lot of that behavior has stopped, things have changed. He is now hyper focused on me, saying " I love you" ten times a day. He calls me constantly when he's at work ,he always has. I feel so smothered and yet there is always this weird, indescribable distance between us, he is always in his own world. When I try to communicate with him about my feelings or we have a disagreement he always blames me, says I just want to fight, that I'm the unhappy one, i'm too critical, I want too much ,etc. He is impossible to get through to! I feel so lonely even though we spend a lot time together because he has no friends and doesn't care to have any. He is very dependent on me for everything...emotionally and physically. The intimacy has stopped because I feel no attraction...we have a parent/child dynamic and it's a huge turn off...he pressures me all the time for sex,etc which makes me not interested even more. He has started to as me if I'm cheating on him.  He's very responsible with work and helps care for our son although he is often "tuned out" to our son's feelings.  I am at the point where I don't think I can take anymore. I feel I have totally lost myself and everything with him is so confusing. In the last year my physical health has been awful, stomach problems, severe dizziness, anxiety....been thoroughly checked out and I'm fine "physically". I feel so depleted and exhausted and fear that if I don't get out I'm just going to deteriorate and that it will affect our son. I'm very isolated , have become isolated since being with him. He makes me feel guilty for spending time with others or trying to do something I enjoy that doesn't involve him. He doesn't even really seem to know who I am as a person or seem interested in my past, or my dreams, etc. I pretty much have decided I want to separate. I'm just afraid to take the step. I just started working part time again, I've been a stay at home mom for 3 years....I feel bad for our son who will be another child with divorced parents but I also want my son to see me happy and healthy. I haven't mentioned to my husband that I think he has ADHD recently ,in the past he's gotten really mad at me when I've suggested it or seeking some help..tells me I'm crazy,etc. I want him to leave our house and let me stay with our son. He has a full time income and can afford to leave but I'm worried he is going to make it difficult, I also fear he may get really angry and react, say horrible things, I just don't trust him based on the past. Any suggestions on getting him to leave, telling him I want to separate?? I really need advice from those who have been there...I really want to get "me" back again, get out of this deep, confusing fog I've been in with him,  and make a healthy and happy life for my son and I. Please help!

  • Husband doesn't listen, has temper by: katwith5 11 years 1 month ago

    I am new to this site, and to posting about my ADD husband.  A background on me: We have been married for 22 years.  In  many respects, we are a success story.  My husband has always worked hard to provide for the family, and I try to accept his disorganization, distraction and emotional disconnect (on occasion) patiently and with understanding.  We have 5 children, the oldest being 21, then 19, 16, 14, and 7.  Two of our children have shown strong tendencies towards ADHD. one of which has a diagnosis of ADD PI (primarily inattention).  I love my husband, he has many wonderful qualities.  He's charming, funny, hard working and is aware of his struggles with ADD, and tries to manage them all the time.

    There are two things, however, that have been a strain on our relationship and his relationship with his children at various times in our family life.  He doesn't listen.  If I try to make a point, or argue an opinion, he will shut down the discussion, insist that he is right, or resort to belittling, hurtful comments.  Our children have all, at different times, expressed their frustration at not being able to talk to their father for fear that he will not respect their opinions or value what they have to say.  This is especially true if they try to express their negative emotions about something, or how they feel about what he is saying to them, or doing that bothers them.  Often, when discussions do go sideways, his temper flares, and he will over react to things so vehemently, I usually just shut the conversation down and walk away.  Currently our second oldest, 19 year old son is not speaking to his father, and has moved out.  Our 21 year old daughter has resolved to try and talk to her father about her feelings, and if he doesn't listen, she will walk away from the relationship for awhile (she is married and lives away from home as well).  Both of these things bring me great stress.  I should mention that I am currently in counselling myself for mild-moderate anxiety brought on by the stress level in my home and life right now - much of which has to do with my husband's relationship with my son. 

    So my question is this: Is a flaring temper, the inability to be flexible and give and take in a conversation, or insisting that they are right a common trait in ADD/ADHD?  Or is my husband just an overreactive highly strung overbearing person? 

    Any opinions or questions would be appreciated. 

    Katwith5

     

     

  • Won't talk to me anymore by: RoadtoRecovery 11 years 1 month ago

    For those of you following my story, my wife has decided not to talk to me anymore other than important things involving our house. When I returned from my trip, we began counseling again. It was a rocky start. We both had alot of things we wanted to say and the first couple of sessions were tense. Our counselor thought that I did a good job of getting my point across without being impulsive or letting my feelings guide my responses though I was understandably emotional. My wife had brought up me moving near them a few times since she left to hopefully make counseling more effective and allow me more time with my daughter but every time I've close to making the steps to move, she would express some concern and back off from wanting me to move. Finally, I decided to go ahead and list the house for sale and informed her of my decision. I included her in discussions regarding the listing price and how we would afford moving expenses. I also provided some options in regard to purchasing a condo under my name solely as opposed to renting. She was overwhelmed by all the information but I stressed the importance of being able to spend time with my daughter during the holidays and trying to get the house sold as soon as possible due to rising interest rates, increasing housing inventory, and holidays approaching. We came to an agreement on the listing price and put it on the market. Then, the next day she reached out to our realtor and continued to demand an explanation as to why we listed the house lower than what she thought it was worth even though we had come to an agreement on what to list it for the previous day and discussed why.  The realtor reiterated the reasons I explained the previous day including area used for comparables, houses sold in our area in the past 6 months, and feature comparisons, however, she still was not convinced and has been stubborn and argumentative about it for two weeks now causing a lot of tension between us. So much so, that she is now not talking to me anymore, refuses to go to counseling, barely is letting me talk to our daughter for even 5 minutes a day and has no plans to ensure I have time with our daughter for the holidays. She also made it clear that moving would not be to help reconcile our relationship. Regardless of our counselors advice and insight not only on the improvements and progress I have made, but the noticeable issues my wife needs to address, she refuses to accept any of it and puts all blame on me. She continues to belittle me and view everything said and done through a negative lens. At this point, I'm just hoping for as much time with my daughter as possible until I can afford a lawyer. I don't know what else I can do and I think moving will just enable her further.

  • Dating an ADHD guy, break ups by: sereneko 11 years 1 month ago

    Hi Everyone,

    I recently started dating a guy with adhd. At first I didn't know anything about this disorder, he told me a bit about it but never went too indeep.

    He had very bad past relationships. Of which the last ended one month before we met. He said he loved this girl but then I found out that they have been seeing each other rarely and more in a friendly way, then when to him it was time to be official and be bf/gf she freaked out and told him that she didn't care and wanted to date other people. He doesn't seem to realize that this might be depending on him.

    With me he has been perfect for the first 3 weeks, due to the hyperfocus (which seemed quite short) and after he started complaining that I wanted too much attention and that he didn't have time for that. He doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he wants to build the relationship gradually without defining it. The risk is not that he would cheat on me, is more that I feel like he doesn't really like me anymore.

    We had several arguments on the fact that he is not present at all when I am not around. When I see him he is lovely, but then if anything happens he starts blaming on me that he didn't do stuff because he was spending time with me. He makes me feel like I am a waste of time for him. 

    Also he is a photographer and always have beautiful models around, some of them are quite outgoing so it is hard for me to not be jealous. The other day she posted a picture of them laying on bed, and looking at it anyone could think that they have something more than friendship. I trust him but I don't like the picture and I tried to let him know. i tried not to be too aggressive and sent him teasing messages like "mister your cuddles are mine and only mine...mwahaha" trying to make him smile. Fact is that he is also dyslexic and he misunderstands messages all the time so he got all this messages wrong.

    We broke up once, because he was having doubts about me, that I was too demanding and couldn't leave him the space he needed. But we kept in contact and he came back to me, but when he had a really really bad problem, so I have been there for him. I have to admit that I felt a bit used, because as soon as the problem was solved he started acting again like before.

    Now again he sort of broke up with me, and I don't even know. The other night he was supposed to come to my place, but he didn't text me or anything, so I tried to contact him several times and he didn't reply. I called one of his friends which I knew was at his that day and she passed me him on the phone. He said he had to sort out dinner with her and then he would let me know what he was going to do. I told him I was tired and he should tell me now if he was not coming, because I didn't want to wait for his message and maybe he was not even coming and he got mad at me. Saying that he didn't want to see me, that the messages I sent him where disgusting (he used this word), that I have been calling him all day and that I want attention but he cannot give me attention. He has to focus on his life now and be sociable in his industry, he cannot worry about me.

    He said he would call me in a few days. This happened tuesday. He is posting pictures and statuses like he is doing brilliantly, meeting friends etc...

    I feel terrible, laying in bed, crying. Also got sick and feel totally week. I know the best thing would be to let it go. Because is just two months and it should not be like this. But I have been spending so much time with this guy, staying at his place even 3/4 days a week. I fell in love with him and I don't want to lose him. I know it is going to be hard, but if I can figure out how to deal with his adhd then maybe it can work. I am only afraid now that he won't come back to me this time. Can someone help me understand?

  • Past recreational abuse of meds by: soconfused 11 years 1 month ago

    I recently started to suspect that my 31-year-old husband of 2 years has undiagnosed ADHD. I've brought it up to him a couple of times and suggested that he get evaluated. He revealed that as a teenager, he abused Adderall that was not prescribed to him (I assume he got it from friends), using it for "partying". He said it did help him concentrate but he is afraid that if he is prescribed medication now, he will be unable to resist abusing it again, as in not being able to control himself from taking too much. He has had problems in the past with alcohol and drug abuse (including cocaine), and I think he still has some dependency issues with alcohol and marijuana -- it's not out of control, but I think he drinks and smokes more than is healthy. Anyway, I'm just wondering if others have had any experience with this sort of issue and can offer any insight. Can recreational use of ADHD meds be an indication that the disorder is indeed present? Have others had issues themselves or with spouses abusing their prescribed medications once they are diagnosed?   

  • Frustrated with current circumstances by: NeedsAChange 11 years 1 month ago

    Like every other non-ADHD spouse on this website, pretty much everything resonates.  I can relate to just about every post, comment, etc.  Unfortunately.

    My fiance (together 3 years, engaged for 2) and I have really hit hard times just before our wedding.  Since we decided to have a wedding a year ago, things have really taken a turn for the worse.  We both realize this has a lot to do with the stress of the wedding planning coupled with the stress of everyday life in an ADHD relationship. We've gone to counseling (until we could no longer afford it), and although it seemed to help a little bit, I wasn't really seeing the changes I wanted to see. With either of us.  Mostly, I felt like the attempt to work on "us" ended after each session.  I never really felt it moving beyond that hour; I guess I never really saw the follow-through. My fiance said he found it extremely helpful, he's willing to try meds, and he's willing to go back when our finances rebound from the wedding. We do have plans to go back to counseling and to get him started on meds in the near future.  

    At any rate, my issue is with my ADHD partner's current level of aggression he has toward anything/everything he finds unsuitable.  If I don't understand what he's trying to convey, he begins to aggressively yell at me, repeating the same sentence over and over without answering my question. If I disagree with him, he says I'm criticizing him and that starts an argument.  If the dogs misbehave, he goes overboard with the punishment (to clarify, he's not abusive to them, it's just so much yelling and he scares them, for sure).  If I comment on the fact that his driving is scaring me, I get yelled at and put down.  Basically, he yells about everything under the bloody sun, he'll throw things, break things, slams thing around.  It's over-the-top, ridiculous.  I have to admit over the course of three years, I have begun to react the same way towards him when I get upset.  I am ashamed to say that our fights have gotten physical recently, and I know I play a part in that as well. (Our counselor is aware of the situation.)  I realize that my behavior also needs some work -major work- I'm not letting myself off the hook, here.  I just need some advice.  I don't know how to get him to understand that his reaction to common situations is extreme and needless. Its like I have a toddler throwing a temper tantrum every ten minutes, and has the ability to really do some damage. I need him to see that his reaction to just about everything puts me on the defensive and immediately puts me on edge. (Even scares me sometimes.) I, then, overreact to his reaction and everything just escalates from there. 

    Does anyone else have this problem?  How do you handle it?  More importantly, how in the world do you stay calm in the face of such behavior?

     

  • I don't know what to do to make it better. by: ADHD4Two 11 years 1 month ago

    History married 7.5 years with 2 kids 4 and 6.  I have 3 older kids from my first marriage that my spouse gets along very very well with.  My husband was not diagnosed with ADHD until 2 years or so ago even though everyone knew he had it.  I was thought to have anxiety my whole life but found it was another form of ADHD.  I am a type A over achiever my husband is an masters educated fumbling mess.  He was laid off from his job as a mathematics professor in January 2011 and has not worked since.  He takes care of the kids but he is flustered and forgetful, he is always late, always forgetting deadlines.  Our 4 year old lost his place in a very sought after preschool program because my husband forgot to get the paperwork in, the day of the screening he also arrived more than an hour late and with none of the paperwork filled in.  I pick up all the slack, work four jobs from home and beg him to find something.  I am so resentful of him not working but frankly I know the reason he was laid off first was because of his ADHD and being late, missing deadlines, etc.  I know he can never get another job he is 12 years old than me and at 58 and with all his flaws, it is over.  I cannot come to terms with it.  We had an incredible opportunity with a former student of his managing customer service for his business.  My husband and I were making a great salary and my husband could not do his work and so it was cut and cut and cut again and now it is 1/4 of what we were making.  That is why I have 3 other jobs and just applied for a very big executive level job in my field but I am so resentful that I need to miss my kids lives like this.  What is worse is there are so many things to get done around the house and he cannot focus.  He is on meds and so am I and he just has no focus.  He thinks no one notices but everyone does.  People think he is lying all the time but it is just the way he speaks, he cannot speak clearly or stay on one thought he is like a pinball ball and he is all over the place.  Frankly I am ashamed of him.  I mean he is a man with a Maters in mathematical sciences and understands things most people cannot begin to but he sounds and acts like a bumbling idiot.  He always makes us look bad, we are either late or he does thing with my family like promises to take  care of something and never follows through until they have to catch that he did not do it.  I am so tired of being put in that place with him.  Also he has no patience for our 6 year old who also has ADHD just like my husband and yells at him and rides him for the same things he does day in and out.  I have so much resentment for him that it is making me into a mean person and he keeps belittling me when I tell him I can't take it.  He tells me things like I cannot have a relationship with anyone else etc...  He tells me things like this and that he will never leave etc...  I feel so stuck, I have to work or we will lose our home, If I throw him out I will not be able to take care of the kids and work without help.  I am in a rock and a hard place.  This is not what I want, I do not want to raise my kids without a father.  Sometimes it feels like no one ever gets better and it seems all the relationships are doomed here and that just depresses the heck out of me.  We have been fighting nasty too, we stopped and now it is back, he swears at me, I say the most horrid things to him and I cannot see it getting better no matter how I pray and try.  The thing he does now is keeps changing his meds and now he is on Vyvanase and he tried to get me to switch, telling me how good it was etc.  The other day 10 of my pills are missing and now I will have 2 days I will be without my meds as I do not have enough.  He did this many times in the past but we were both on the same meds and he always gave me his and so he thinks it is not bad.  I know he must not have been feeling good with the Vyvannase and as always does not remember the consequences and tried my meds to see if there was anything different.  Well, I am so damn mad it is not funny.  I called our counselors who are married and both have ADHD the husband just like my husband and the wife just like me.  We are actually very good friend and we have even started biofeedback but it is always the same issues and I am tired and worn and do not know where to turn.  There is so much more but every where I turn if you look up husband called you a a##h##e it says leave him, if husband says FU it says leave him.  Really does no one have a success story anywhere, any hope at all?

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