Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Just Really Frustrated. by: rgimbe01 12 years 8 months ago

    I am the non-ADHD husband.  My wife has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.  We have been married for 17 years and I have known there have been issues for a while.  I will not delve into them fully here.  But it would seem like since my wife's diagnosis she has used it like a shield to blame her bad behavior on.  So, in short, she seems to have advocated all personal responsibility for her actions.  If she know's the difference between right and wrong, why does she continue to do wrong?  If she knows she has ADHD, why does she not stop herself in an argument and say "I have ADHD, maybe I am the problem?"  She says now things will be different because she has a diagnosis.  I can't believe that.  I do know, that she does love me, but just because she loves me, is that enough?  I have dumped hundreds of thousands of dollars, years and tons of emotions in our relationship and after 17 years of marriage, my new reality has become it is just easier not to deal with her.  I am conflicted because the vows did call for "in sickness and in health," but I am not sure I could ever be happy with her....diagnosis or no...I have given more than I will ever receive and have grown very resentful.  All that is keeping me here in the relationship is duty at this point.  Being a Soldier, I find that I am predisposed to do my duty, but this pack is getting too heavy to continue carrying....

    It would be nice to have a partner that I could be comfortable to be around and take comfort in.  

    Sorry, just frustrated and venting.  

  • Our therapist doesn't get it!!!!! by: Waterfall 12 years 8 months ago

    My husband and I have a wonderful, caring therapist with a doctoral degree who doesn't think our marriage issues are CAUSED by my husband's ADHD. He thinks his ADHD exacerbates the problems. He actually said that my husbands ADHD would enable him to hyper focus on me when I try to talk to him about a problem. I was stunned! I told him that in all the reading and research and all the people I've met through this forum, not one ever said that their husband's ADHD made them more likely to pay attention to them. EVERYONE seems to feel that their husbands deny, deflect, and defend themselves, or just run like hell in the other direction. Our therapist thinks my husband's horrible, abusive father caused my husband so much anxiety and that is why he runs for the hills at the slightest hint of confrontation. I do see his point there. My husband's father is a sociopath. Who's right? When I read melissa's book, it was like she was spying on my marriage. The blog she wrote back in sept. 2010 (I think) about getting husbands to realize the impact their ADHD has on their marriages really hit home, especially the part about defensivenes. I tried to get him to read it,but he just gave it a cursory read and dismissed it. I feel utterly helpless!

  • Anger and marriage problems by: David lund 12 years 8 months ago
    Ive been marry for 11 years have two little girls and a 19 year old from a previous marriage all three children have ADHD found out I was on retilin when I was you could I still have ADHD because I get upset or angrey easly.
  • ADHD and Disconnection from People by: gratitudeiskey 12 years 8 months ago
    Hi everyone: This Saturday, my H and I will be visiting our ADHD coach to have a very serious and pivitol session regarding where to go in our marriage. I was hoping someone might be able to answer a question about ADHD and “connection”. My husband, was doing better for awhile and now, in the last year has become even more detached from our 6 yr old daughter and me. He spends almost every night either working on his RC cars, playing on his phone in bed or attached to a gaming controller in our basement playing video games. It’s so difficult to even get a 10 min conversation with him. If I do,it better be something that’s engaging or he’s lost almost immediately. He is on meds and we are working with a psychologist and ADHD coach who are wonderful. He stopped going to the ADHD coach about a year ago stating we didn’t really “need” to go anymore..things were fine. Last night, after going to Florida and being away from me for 4 days, I came home and he just looked at me and said “Hi”. That’s it. No hug, no nothing. He hugged our daughter a bit and told her he missed her but that was really the extent of it. He went into the LR and started playing on phone and was lost to us again. Is that part of the ADHD? That void, hollow, disconnected thing? I know he loves us both. It’s just a true struggle for him and it’s a struggle for me and my daughter to love someone who gives so little of himself to us and we are left feeling lost and alone. My daughter cries and says she thinks he doesn’t love her. It breaks my heart! Any insights would be great. Thanks to so many of you who always give me hope...Gina B
  • 40 years of lies !!!!!!! by: phillchill 12 years 8 months ago

    Hi this is my first post.

    My wife has been researching ADHD in adults for the past year when she saw that I scores high on every question in an ADHD test. since that year has passed she has looked into iot more.

    On Friday we had a massive row and I walked out for half an hour ans she asked me to look on this web site, within and hour I had downloaded the book and started reading it.

    The next morning I was a mess. I felt like my life had been a lie! what could I achieve if I was not like this, I am 50 and even in my old school reports you can see the signs. I was very upset as my late father thought I was just rubbish with money ....... I am now  finding that I can connect the ADHD to many many parts of my life, why I cant give up smoking and am always trying to.....

    My use of cannabis and trying to explain to friends and family that I only do it late in the night ( 10:30 - 11:30) so I can chill and concentrate on a film or music.

    I have this morning approached my doctor but they said we will do bloods first and that I will have to wait a week to take blood and then a few more days for the results. I am living away from my wife and kids ( around the corner) and can plainly see I have this and really want to invest in whatever is needed to help me. I am also angry as I could have  and will be so much  better at being a husband, and in my work, how I have held down my job all this while I will never know.

    So I am in the the UK and if there is anyone who knows where else I can get help here that would be so good to hear.

    Thanks

    Phill

  • Can any ADD fathers please try to help me understand by: add 12 years 8 months ago

    I have posted on this topic before but wanted to repost to see if anyone else had anything to say on this.  My husband works in another state than me and our 21 yr old son.  My son has had a lot of difficulty with ADD and depression and still struggles today.  My husband seems to never call him to see how he is doing.  Months can go by and sometimes after that all he gets is a text.  My husband calls others once in awhile in his family who he isn't close to so why doesn't it dawn on him to call his son.  I cannot understand it!!  It still bothers me so much and makes me wonder who the heck I was married to for over 25 yrs.  I know he would say he loves our son but how can you not once in awhile place a call to your child no matter how old they are.  Is it guilt over leaving, does he not know what to say, is he just waiting for his son to call him so he doesn't have to deal with it himself??  If there is anyone who has done this and knows why, i would love to hear from you.  Thank you!        

  • Poor Me by: gardener447 12 years 8 months ago

    I am really struggling tonight... I know it's the usual "poor me" crap that I am prone to, but I haven't yet found a way around or through it.  I've been working way too much due to staff shortages at work and a bunch of deadlines to meet.  He's been scheduling his personal activities on the nights I am free, rather than the nights I'm gone.  When I asked about the lousy timing, he shrugged and said he doesn't really think about my schedule when he's making his.  (He can say this with a totally straight face -- I so admire that...)   I realized we were doing some serious drifting apart and felt responsible because of my work demands.  I planned an overnight getaway, a favorite dinner out, found a way to fund it without damaging the budget..... it was a dud.  He was silent, said he was tired, said it was bad timing-- we barely struggled through 24 hours away.  No fighting, of course, cause we never do.  It was just --- awful and awkward.  Since we got home he has been X-Boxing nonstop.  But what I am struggling with is feeling like a dope for having "expectations" of a nice time.  I didn't think it would dramatically change our relationship.  I didn't think he would become an "all-singing, all-dancing" husband.  I just thought it would be a little bit FUN!  He seemed interested in going, and accepted the invitation.  But when I got all gorgeous, I got no "reaction" (he's always saying I do things to get a reaction).  When I did all the packing, filled the fuel tank, made the reservations.... urg -- Was I trying to do something fun for the both of us?  A treat for him?  Or just a pathetic attempt to win some love and attention?  Poor me.  What a dope.   And then I circle around to my ever-present question---- if I am so damned dull, what on earth does he get out of being married to me?  And don't mention the free laundry and housekeeping services... 

    Tomorrow is another day.  

  • How to communicate to my ADHD husband by: Enisbel 12 years 8 months ago

    Hello everyone,

    We recently discovered that my husband has ADHD (i believe it to be advance however he can only admit to it being mild). I feel like I have to be there for him and in the nearly 7 years of marriage emotionally he's never there for me.

    The hardest issue that we have experience over time and has gotten worse now. Is that he talks and talks and I listen patiently but eventually if I try to interrupt to express an opinion or to add something to the conversation (so it is not a monolog) He gets mad says I never listen to him and that I always interrupt him. I really feel that I am not getting the minimum I need from our relationship, I having to be understanding but he's not even trying to understand me, I having to listen patiently but I get zero tolerance. This issue makes me feel so alone, like I know he loves me and he is a wonderful father and husband but whenever I need emotional support or appreciation for all the understanding and patience I give to him, he then has none of it for me and to top things up now that he knows he has ADHD he is very defensive with me and because I get emotional and feel that I hopelessly support him (extra cleaning, cooking and being extra nice to help him relax) with no support in return, he now said that I may suffer some kind of Personality Disorder. Which is so unfair given the fact that all I need from him is that he sympathetically  listens every now and again when all the chores and everything I have to do gets a bit too much for me.

    So I guess I need some advice on how can I communicate to him that I am not getting the minimum emotional support that I need without offending him or getting him on the defensive side of things? If there is anyone out there that has any ideas I am all eyes and ears. Thanks

     

     

  • Gay relationship by: evenstar 12 years 8 months ago

    Hi, I have been having a gay relationship with a younger guy (he is 22) with ADHD for the last 2 years, we started off as the best of friends a year before any relationship developed, he knew I was gay but I thought he was straight. Anyway without going into too much detail here we became more than friends and it was the best relationship I have ever had! I was very careful as not to declare my love to him as thought it may scare him off, a few months back he seemed to back off and when I asked him what was wrong, he said he was in love with me, and had never felt like that for anybody before and found it difficult to deal with, I told him not to worry as I felt the same. Since that declaration, the relationship went gradually downhill and now I have very little contact from him (we live 200 miles apart, although I am a regular visitor to his town) as he is obviously avoiding me for reasons unknown. We have many mutual friends and when they see him he appears in the best of spirits. I am almost certain he is not seeing anyone else, so rather confused as what has gone wrong as never known anybody with ADHD before. He doesn't take his medication anymore as feels he doesn't need it and holds down a responsible job. I would like to know if this is a common symptom in relationships when the sufferer becomes too close to someone?

     

  • The weekend lover.. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    My husband gets all excited when Friday comes,he can't wait for me to come spend the weekends with him and I love that but,one problem,when it's time to go home on Sundays he gets all upset and throws mood swings and wants to get into serious fights over nonsense.There is nothing we can do at this moment to change our living situation ,and because I am a mother of two kids ,I have to get back home to do my motherly duties,it's a must..ADHD or not what is so hard in understanding that I have my life as is and in a certain way the same way he met me..Living with him is a no no as I explained in one of my forums that I am not prepare to have my kids living with a man such as him..So I take my relationship on the out side of my home away form my kids where they are safe at home with their loving grandmother(my mother).Fridays we will go dancing,liming,drinking a bit love up here love up there love love love for so..Too much kisses, hugs,he makes excellent dishes, and my profession is being a chef so I would cook great dishes too...the sex is awesome, the time we would spend together is amazing through Friday evening into Saturday and then would come Sunday..OH oh..Sunday is the day his joys turn straight Into sorrows..He don't want me to leave which I sometimes too myself get sad but in a few seconds I get it over with ,as soon as I reach home and see my kids I am good.Not so with the weekend lover boy, he stays into a depression untill  Friday arrives again..and it's not like I don't go by him EVERY SINGLE EVENING after work for a few hours and spend time with him or be there or cook or anything like that, I am always there as if I am living there the only difference is that I don't spend the night during the week...The same thing has been happening for over a period of time now and it's frustrating me to the point of no return..I could understand his wants and needs and it's the same thing everyone would love,SOMEONE TO COME HOME TO.But that's if the feeling is mutual.If that someone is a controlling,manipulative,selfish,arrogant,unfaithful,foolish and etc etc..Whats the use in ever even posting forums about them how is it so hard to just LEAVE THEM!...I want a forever husband and companion during the week and on weekends too.................................from:lovehurtsalotwithanger.

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