Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • So frustrated i feel as though he is going to send me to my grave! by: Charlotte 12 years 9 months ago

    Does anyone have any tips on how to keep a home functional when the ADD partner is home. All his home duties are is to maintain the yard and clean up his mess after him. Too much to ask for i think.

    * I would complain about the yard and he would decide he would start mowing the lawn at 9pm (at night) mind you he would not complete this and leave it in a worser state than it already was and un completed. We are renting and i dont want to loose our home cause part of the agreement was to have the yard maintained

    * Doors/cupboards constantly left open

    * He would cook himself a meal and leave margarine and all the dirty plates on the bench and sit and eat then leave that plate where he ate and then proceed to go into the loungeroom and forget about the dirty plates and kitchen...arrggghhhh!!!!

    * He would organise his things last minute and while we are rushing to hurryup to make his flight for work, he is still walking around slowly in his boxers as if time stood still for him

    * DRIVING- OMG!!!! Constantly speeds and plays with the stero, ipod and even decides to tex while he is driving with ALL of us in the car

    * Arguments- He would always go that one step further to the point of no forgiveness

    The constant pushing, and pushing to get what he wants is making me tired, im trying to run a functional home. 

    Am i just meant to ignore this?? Are there ways to manage this behaviour and have a happier home?

     

     

  • I feel beat up! by: runner 12 years 9 months ago

    I feel completely bashed verbally after last night.  I really tried to listen and hear without becoming defensive when my ADHD husband began to recount all of my failures of the past year.  I in fact did not defend myself, which may be why I feel so beat up this morning.  I apologized - yet again - for ways that my behavior had been emasculating in the past year.  He has only been actually diagnosed for about six months - we have been married for nearly 30 years.  I tried to explain as best I could that we could not just break patterns that had gone on between us 30 years overnight - that it would take time.  But it seems like now all of the resentment and anger he has had  toward me is coming out and is being expressed in ways that are wounding and destructive.  

    I already feel like such a huge failure as a wife, but I guess that isn't enough for him.  I now feel like he is going to punish me with his anger and reminders of my failures.  I vacillate between thinking, oh well, I deserve it and indignation that he does not seem to be taking responsibility to get the ADHD treated.  He has tried meds and says they seem to be helping him work-wise, but it is almost as if he thinks the meds will fix things so we do not have to do anything else.  We tried one therapist but because the therapist would not let him continuously interrupt, he decided that the guy didn't have the whole picture and we have not been back.  

    He wanted CBT for his ADHD, and thought I should be involved, so that's why he initiated therapy.  But when it went differently than he thought it would,  and  the therapist validated my feelings (without taking sides) he wanted none of it.

    Last night, he again reminded me of our 20-year struggle with our sexual relationship (which of course is all my fault too).  That was in the same sentence where he informed me that he is more closed off to me than he has ever been in our marriage and he is scared by that.  Okay, so let me see if I am understanding this right.  He is saying, "I am closed off to you - I have a wall up to you - but I need sex from you to connect with you."  Really?  Then he accusingly says 'you just don't get it.'  He's right!  

    The only positive thing I can say is that for once I did not walk away feeling like I had handled that encounter wrong, probably because I've been devouring the ADHD Effect on Marriage, so I am really endeavoring to separate the man from the 'disorder.'

    I guess all I am really feeling now is just sad.  I know that ultimately the ball is in his court in many ways because he is the only one who can truly take control of the ADHD.  And I'm just not sure he can quit blaming me long enough to do that.

    Guess I just need some encouragement.

    Runner

  • simple book or article explaining reflective listening? by: CanDoGal 12 years 9 months ago

    I feel silly posting this, as I am a mental health counselor. I feel like I should know a resource.

    My DH has AD/HD, I have AD/HD, and our two kids (middle and high school) have AD/HD. Sometimes I think we're amazing for coping as well as we do, sometimes I am overwhelmed with sadness and grief. There's history there - ending about four years ago, my husband lied to me about something for a few years. Long story, but that's when I think things took a nose dive in our now 20 year marriage. Because of how it played out, I thought he was having an affair and it hurt a heck of a lot emotionally. I also found out there had been some other lying, also for years, also about stuff that had he shared would not have been a big deal to me. (But may have been to others - I try to be understanding and give room for people to be themselves. And he should have known that.) Things went from us coping together with our sometimes chaotic lives to me feeling betrayed, hurt, and alone. It hasn't really gotten better. I've read it all - I have a several shelves full of books for therapists and for regular folks on AD/HD. I've read Melissa's book (made me cry a lot). Counseling was tried, but my DH managed to never remember to reschedule after the therapist said an important, poignant thing to him that I'd also said. (A message I don't think he wanted to hear, or was ready to hear.) He didn't want true couples counseling - I think he felt weird enough the 1-2 sessions I came to his counseling with him. Like any good counselor, I've done it myself several times. (And yes, I think I could use another bout of it.)

    I feel like I'm on the hook. I do a lot to help my daughter and son manage. I am in charge of managing myself. And my husband...well, he does OK sometimes, when compared to other stories on this forum. Other times, like today, I think he's a total jerk. I used to cope with the inevitable irregularities of living with someone with AD/HD by saying to myself "but he will never lie to me." (In a way that actually mattered - not counting "Sure, I'll take out the trash," and then forgetting.) His honesty was one of the biggest reasons I married him. I want to forgive, I really do. But it seems like we're stuck in an endless cycle of anger and frustration, and we can't get out.

    If I could change ONE thing that I think would help our marriage, it would be to wave a magic wand and give him the skill to really listen and empathize. I want to feel like he hears my pain - really hears it. If he does manage to get my point, he tries to problem solve. If he manages to stop that, it's lots of quibbling about details. If he stops that (once in a blue moon), somehow it ends up being an argument anyway. I just want to be heard. IT doesn't help that often I feel pretty much ignored, like he doesn't think to want to spend time with me. I think when he says he doesn't intend to ignore me he does actually mean it. But it's hard to feel important even if you understand why you're being treated like you're not. (Videogames are stimulating and not emotionally confusing.) And lately, since he feels like I'm always picking on him, well, we all know where that goes in terms of being paid attention to. 

    I have taught our daughter how to listen responsively/reflectively. I'm teaching our son, who it doesn't come as naturally to. I can't teach my husband. For one thing, I'm in a different role with our kids, so teaching makes sense. Don't get me wrong - I get emotional and impulsive and make bad decisions - like lecturing on listening skills to my DH. (Hey, I don't always manage my AD/HD perfectly, even though it's really important to me to try my hardest.)

    There are some things I wish I could get my DH to read, but they're all too long for him to finish or digest. My DH is brilliant, but he's also overwhelmed and lost about this emotional stuff. He manages to listen well to things other than "I'm hurt because" a reasonable proportion of time if I work hard to grab his attention. I keep thinking of writing a concise article on "Listening Skills for the AD/HD spouse," but then geesh, the poor man would definitely feel attacked! It's bad enough already in the imbalance of power on the "knowing stuff" department. I don't want to shove that in his face - that wouldn't help things at all. And yes, it would be better if he would find this himself. It's far from ideal for me to give him something and ask him to read it. But I do want our marriage to work, so I've got to do something to move us forward. 

    Anyone have a good resource? Short and concise is good.  Something on the order of "5 simple steps to truly listen to your loved one" would be awesome.

    Thanks....

     

  • Realization, the shock and sadness by: LMA 12 years 9 months ago

    I recently bought Melissa's book and read about this site. I found the book out of desperation, searching on the web. Thank goodness is all I can say! It could save my marriage, but I am scared it may be too late. It is very hard for me to type right now, I can't stop the tears. I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone else felt this way when they first came to this site? Years and years of struggle and to think it was ADHD! My husband was diagnosed almost 2 years ago, when my son was. We have been married 19 years and have 3 teenagers. Our problems got worse when I started resenting all I had to do. He is a kind man, no abuse, but his ADHD symptoms have created a monster out of me. I hate when I nag but am just so fed up. Between his defensiveness, and my anger, I don't know what to do. He feels he can't do any thing right and I feel like I have to do everything. I don't want this, I often think it would be easier living alone, I am alone anyway. Years of his distraction made me feel like I was the problem and I never knew why. He always said he loved me but words meant nothing. I sleep with my back to him, it hurts, all this confusion. All I can say is thank goodness for this site. I wish I had found it earlier. Where to begin?

  • Is hope dangerous? by: Waterfall 12 years 9 months ago

    Just when I thought things were going great, the proverbial shit hits the fan. We have been getting along really well and I started to let down my guard and feel loved by my husband. Big mistake.

    ok, the story. My husband had to move my dryer some time ago to put in plumbing for a sink. In its new position it cannot be vented to the outside, so the lint flies freely around the house. I asked him to put a nylon on the end, but he is afraid it will start a fire. I asked him to put a new hole in the wall, but he doesn't want to do that because we want to move the laundry room to the second floor one day(!) so why put a hole in the wall for nothing? A few days ago I mentioned that the lint causes me pain in my sinuses and the dirt is relentless. I asked him if we could just move forward and move the washer and dryer. He said" let's do it Monday when you have off". I was ecstatic! 

    So this evening I asked him if we have everything we need, or do we need to run to Lowes in the morning. He said we have everything. I asked him if we had a pan to go underneath the washer, in case it leaks. That's when I realized he had no idea what I was talking about. 

    It turns out, he thought he agreed to pulling the dryer forward by 4-5 inches and fishing a hole to the original site. I told him I wasn't comfortable with this because the dryer will block the doorway to the only bathroom my wheelchair bound brother can use in our house. I tried to be reasonable, if moving the washer and dryer upstairs was not in the cards could he just cut a new hole in the wall. He reiterated the previous argument about putting a hole in the wall for nothing. He promised that if my brother was coming he would move the dryer. The problem is my husband works every weekend and weekends are usually the only time I get to see him. I told him I didn't want to be put in a position where I would have to tell my brother he can't come because he called too late for me to get my husband to move the dryer. Why are things this complicated!!!

    So my husband gets a little indignant, like I shouldn't be concerned about him moving the dryer, and besides he says I thought we agreed that this is what we were going to do. My head is spinning now. We have had this discussion numerous times, I NEVER agreed to the I'll move it before your brother comes plan. I just think it is ridiculous. Who lives like this? But I DIDN'T SAY THIS! I just calmly told him that I don't remember that being the case.  So he says " well, I guess I'm the asshole then!"

    ​I told him I don't think he is an asshole and it bothered me that he would put words in my mouth. So he says, I think we should split. At this point I am just beside myself. I asked him how he could threaten to leave me over something like this. ( background, this is is favorite ploy, which I have said must stop. We are either married, or we are not. Threatening to leave is not healthy.) I got angry and raised my voice, so he told me he is tired of being yelled at. I pointed out that I only raised my voice after he threatened to leave me, but he insisted that I was yelling the whole time. 

    ​At one point he told me I only care about myself and his feelings don't matter. I actually started to cry at that point. I asked him how he could say something like that when I spend so much time trying to educate myself about his ADHD and trying to understand how he thinks and feels. His response? " you do that stuff for yourself". I am totally at a loss at this point. When I tried to explain, to defend myself, he again says I think we should split. I mean I just can't believe how things have escalated. He goes from zero to sixty within minutes.

    at one point, he actually said that his comment about him being an asshole was meant in the most magnanimous way! He was trying to give me the upper hand, be generous at admitting fault. He believes anyone would see it that way, and I'm not thinking clearly. I even tried to go along a little and said, even so, I don't want to be given credit for calling you an asshole, or even thinking it, because I wasn't.

    he ended up leaving. He came back a little while later, but I am just dumbfounded! He keeps talking about how he just doesn't want the conflict anymore. As far as I can see, he is the one who launches a simple problem into a life altering one. Am I wrong? Shouldn't spouses be able to disagree about something like this without it turning into ww3?

  • How do you cope? by: Charlotte 12 years 9 months ago

    I feel as though my life falls apart everytime my partner is home. Is it fair to say that all i wanted was a normal home? One that consisted of not yelling, breaking things and showing your children that you can be a happy family. Everything seems to be my fault and even when he gets agressive he can become very violent. But again if i were to say exactly what happened he denies it even happened that way, just says that it was my fault i slipped and he never done this. How do you cope? Who listens to you when he has said some really hurtful things and you are suppose to just "get over it, it is in the past now" when it only happened 5 minutes ago. Who looks after you when other people think that the ADDer can just get over it, and that im stupid for allowing someone like him to treat me that way. We went together to his phyciatrist appointment and i found the doctor to be very unhelpful i was asking questions while he was playing on his phone. But he is the only doctor we can see as others are fully booked out for ages. How do you make relationships work? Is it worth all the hurt in the world when he constantly goes back on his word over and over again?

  • Starting a local Support Group by: krish421 12 years 9 months ago

    I am the non-ADHD partner. We moved to Tn in May 2010 and I am finding myself struggling with isolation. I work from home and due the various day to day struggles of having both a spouse and daughter with ADHD just do not have a support group for myself. I am thinking that my best support would be in finding others in relationships with ADHD persons. I would love to try to form a local group to get together in the Rutherford County/Murfreesboro area but am not quite sure as this area seems to be "hush-hush" on this topic. I am wondering if there are any others on this board that are from my area and would be interested in forming a group?

    Thanks

     

     

  • Concerned, Worried and yet not ready to be yet another person that he feels has just given up on him. by: Nevadaleigh 12 years 9 months ago

    So, I have no idea if posting this will help at all.  But I need to tell someone and hopefully someone who understands.  

    Where to start I am not sure but, here I go.    I am lost, confused, anger, depressed, scared and yet not ready to give up.  

    Lets start with some history.  I am a woman with 5 kids.(4 are mine from past relationship, age 14, 13, 11,and 9  and we have a 2 year old together)  My DH (been together 4 years and engaged never made it to the alter) was diagnosed as a child with ADHD, took medication for a very short time in his teen years.  Decided he didn't like the meds and went off them. And has never been bak on them or re diagnosed as an adult.    He is an Identical twin,  and does not in anyones opinion have a healthy positive relationship with anyone in the entire world.  Not his mother, not his father (very abusive from what my DH recalls haven't spoken since he was a teen). Not a good relationship with his brother or with any of his friends (who are very few because he believes all people cause drama and it is all there fault he hates everyone and every thing) as well as he has never had a romantic relationship that has ever ended any differently then with angry frustration and fighting.   

    He has severe impulsivity which after quitting high school, due to being told it wasn't for everyone he had never managed to keep a job longer then 8 months.   He has now since our daughter was 4 months old, managed to keep this job,  but not with out the stress of calling me almost everyday (not an exaggeration) to tell me he cant do it and that he is quitting and sick of it.   That they are blaming him for doing something wrong or not doing something, which he strongly believe is them picking on him. and  that because he cant remember doing or being ask to do what he didn't do, that it is them that is wrong and he is tired of being treated that way.  (thank god his employer is not the type to fire people, but he has spent many of days at home wondering why the guys below him have work yet he is at home) On top of all of this, he feels like a child cause he cant budget a book or save money.   If he has money, he literally has a melt down until it is all spent. example, he sold his car (which might i add he was his 9th vehicle in 3 1/2 years)  for 3 thousand dollars,  I told him he could deal with the money that we needed oil in the furnace and that the van needed some work but, that other then that he could do what he wanted.   He did put 500 in the oil tank (half filling it) and gave me 500 for the van (which got spent later on other things he wanted rc cars)  the other 2000.  We went out on the next day Sunday morning and drove around to all the stores that had things he wanted and he made a list.  He wanted new tools,  he wanted a desk and computer chair and computer , he wanted a large tool box etc.   We managed to make it home without him buying anything cause well he wanted a desk and chair, but the store didn't have it in and god forbid he have to wait till Wednesday to get it.  He needs instant gratification.  which lasts all of maybe that day.  When we got home it was 4 pm,  here where we live the stores close at 5.  he went down to our bed and had a melt down lost his mind, broke down in tear got physically sick, and came upstairs and said I am going shopping alone I cant do this I have to buy something.    He came back with An x-box 360 with all the extras, a wii for the kids for Xmas as this was in November and a 900 dollar camera for "me"  the one he had been talking about wanting since we had gotten together.  Broke.  Again.    A week later he had a melt down because his twin brother had bought an rc car and he just had to have one.   That was the first of 3 that he bought and spent 1400 dollars on over the month of December.   Where the money came from , everything I had managed to save and keep away from him.    Any way the moral of this part was him feeling like a child because it got to a point he had to bring his pay cheque home and I would give him back what he had for the next week and needed for gas smokes etc.  and the rest I would pay the bills and save for those days I knew he was going to have a melt down.

    Every fight and argument we ever have or have had, is a "right fight"   it is either all or nothing with him..  There is no compromise,  if he believed the kids were doing something wrong that I didn't agree with. we could not discuss it ,  it was either let him have his way and yell and argue and tell them they could do nothing right, or say this is not working for all of us can we discuss it and have him say what does it matter you dont give them shit for nothing I am always wrong , your going to do what you want anyway,  (which is so not true. although if it wasnt for others telling me I did start to believe him after hearing it so much)   It always came down to being right or wrong and I don't believe anything is like that , just a matter of finding what fits and works for all partys involved.

    So I became the typical ,  Controlling everything, angry person I hated myself,  and started reading here several months ago ,  in hopes of finding a way to get to him.   That it is not him and it is not me.   We loved each other for the first 2 years.   Hyper fous stage I assume.  He was amazing.  and I still love the good moments they are great the best I have ever had.  But the ADHD symptoms have slowly taken over our lives.  to the point he doesnt know if he loves me anymore.  He has now left,  and is living at his mothers.  And left telling me I need to get help and counseling and I need to get it for the kids as well .  Which I didn't disagree with we all definitely can and will benefit from that.  And I have since seen my doctor and we are all enrolled to start counseling. 

    But now I have a 2 year old , who he wants access with and well I cant deny him ,  based on fear.  But I let her go for the first weekend and she spent the time completely with his mother,  out shopping and playing with her, well he fous on working in the garage on a truck and three wheeler. Let me add that before this weekend and new found interest in her cause his mother is pushing it.  He has never spent more then 30 minutes alone with her.   She doesnt and wont go to him on her own.  half the time she wont hug or kiss him unless I push the go give daddy a hug .  and make a game of it.  As well he can be sitting with her and then just lose site of the fact he has to watch her and get into something else that he is "interested in"    he has never bonded with her and his excuses is work and yes he spent a lot of time away for work but he never tried when he was home on weekends or evening.  NEVER.   The relationship is like all the others he has when it is convinent and working for him.

    as well he calls me every single day, 15-20 times a day complaining about his mom and step dad .  how bad it is.  that he has no money to buy a truck of his own or get a place.   and that he is afraid I am going to be like everyone else and just give up on him.. But he cant tell me he loves me.   he is stringing me along, it is all about him,  dont mention how i feel , that I want him to come home and work on this.  that I believe he needs to see someone too.   (which at times when he cant see someone ie: weekends or 11 o'clock at night he will agree and say he does then its , I dont have time , cant miss work, and any other excuses,  then when it is convenient I get you didn't want to help when I was having a moment and said I needed it)

    Everything is all about him.  in 4 years he has never once apologized to anyone for anything.   He always believes he is right.   he does what ever he needs to do to avoid dealing with anything.  including not talking to his mother for months at a time cause she confronted him on something she didnt like.   No one elses feelings thoughts matter at all.   I evven said what happens when you daughter decides she doesnt like who you are or what you are doing,  which he replied I cant change the way she feels so oh well. 

    He is like having another teenager.  One with anger issues and who hates the world, except with a teenager I actually would have some controll , over no video games, or internet, dont pick on the kids .  clean up your mess (which he makes a bigger mess then they do)  and believes the rest of us should clean it.   If I do everything he is angry with the kids that they do nothing around here.  if the kids help he is angry with me that the kids do to much and I do nothing ( cause he doesnt see , that all the worrying, toilet training our daughter , teaching her everything from colors to how to dress her self,  to helping our kids with home work and cleaning the house,  making sure I am here so he has someone to talk to, to keep him from quiting his job, paying the bills, making sure the budget works, de-escalating his melt downs and I hate the world days.  Making sure he is fed and eats , making his lunch and getting up all through the night with our daughter to only get told I need to get up at 4 30 in the morning to make his lunch and see him off to work.  remembering where he leavves everything .  from his wallet to the keys , his hat, his boots , his coat  is not a full time job.   oh  and then here about not going to work .  but when I mention going . he doesnt trust anyone to watch our daughter and how dare I think of putting her in day care.    cut the lawn,  but you didnt do it right and you might break the lawn mower)  Ya I do nothing in a day because I can do all that and take time to play on the computer and watch some tv.  because I have to or I would be insane and well time management is something I do well thank god.

     

    I dont want to give up on him.  there is a great guy in there.  A wonderful man who deserves more then what he is getting out of life.   How do I help him . help himself,  and get us back to a place we both love.   Please Please help.  I know I have only touch on some of the stuff.  But every story I have read on here is my DH to a T.   seriously.  I even read him the for husbands who dont believe ADHD plays a role.  I even went to blaming symptoms instead of him.   I evven told him I play a big role in this and I am sorry that I became this person we both dont like,  and that I want to try hard to learn to deal with the situations differently.  and be more helpful .   HELP US PLEASE BEFORE ITS TO LATE...

     

    I know this is alot about him,  But as I said I am the typical non adhd spouse. I am looking for things to help me as well.  I have started the counciling process alone,  and am willing and able to admit I am as guilty of letting these symptoms change me and not in a positive way, I became a nag, a controling parenting type partner,  because it was all I knew how to do.  I am now researching and reading on a daily bases and continuing to support him emotionally.  In the best way i know how.   I am looking for tools and tips to help us both.   Is there a way to get him to see that if he addresses the ADHD, that the other things will become a little easier for both of us to begin to adjust and change for  the positive and that we can both together become the people that we love to be with and around.  and that it will help all other aspects of both our lives and the people around us as well.    I know it is going to be hard work.   I love this man unonditionally and I know he loves me in the only way he knows how to, with all that he is capable of at this time (was hard to get that but I am slowly getting there)  and realize that I am not helping with the way I react to the symptoms.   But lost for things to do to change it on my own?????   Again please HELP  BOTH OF US!!!

     

     

     

     

     

  • How to not worry: suggestions requested ASAP! by: PoisonIvy 12 years 9 months ago

    OK, all you nonworriers, give me your best tips!  My older daughter is in trouble at college, a second time that she has messed up and alcohol has been involved.  I will leave out the gory (actually, kind of funny and pathetic) details.  Anyway, how do I, nonADHD parent and spouse, slow down my heart; keep my stomach from roiling; and generally calm my mind to a reasonable extent until Monday, when dear daughter meets with the school's conduct officer?  I have given my daughter good advice, I think, about how to respond:  get help for her alcohol problem!  But I have a feeling that in a few hours, I"m going to crash and have my PTSD-like response of intense (and pointless, I know) worrying.

  • ADHD and cannabis by: aaron12 12 years 9 months ago

    Does anyone out there have any opinions or thoughts on using cannabis on an as needed basis for certain symptoms? I have found at times I am thinking crystal clear while medicated on cannabis, but also the opposite effect. I only medicate while at home and knowing that I will not be going anywhere for at least 1-2 hours. It is a very good anxiety reliever, but I am more interested in knowing what sort of help it has or has not had for ADHD symptoms. Thanks!

     

    p.s. I apologize if this offends anyone or is in poor taste. I am a true believer in the power of the plant and have seen it work a MIRACLE on several people who deal with chronic pain and also anxiety. Thanks again :)

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