Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Anyone have success using some type of rewards system with an adult? by: Aspen 12 years 8 months ago

    My husband's ADD treatment is continuing to go well and we seem to be at a point where it is getting easy to see progress. 

    For example, it is tax season and we are self-employed and there have been arguments over Eric not getting me the paperwork that I need to organize the blue million forms/invoices/receipts that I need to get our taxes done promptly.  Each year we get a little better, and while I was still irritated at how quickly he ditched his plan to 'get you everything immediately at the end of each quarter so that I don't have a bunch to do at once and I don't get you behind'--yeah never did it once, but this year has been the best ever in terms of gathering what is needed.  We have to wait on 1099s, so we can never organize anything till Feb 1 anyway (and one of our bosses is definitely ADD himself and we have had to wait all the way till MARCH for his 1099 before!!  But Eric has all his stuff to me before the 1099s stopped coming in, so really he never held me up at all....SUCCESS!!!

    So anyway I think we are ready to tackle some of the less serious but still irritating things that come up.  For example, in going through our paperwork I realized that my husband, who already buys himself WAY too much fast food while out working--way too much budget wise and also more importantly health-wise--managed to spend an extra $100 over what he spent last year on fast food.  Naturally $100 over the course of the year is not gonna make or break our budget, but since he was already eating too much of the crap, we need something to keep him on target as far as budget/health goals.  He seems to REALLY struggle to keep a budget goal in mind enough for it to over rule his immediate desire.....especially for something like fast food, which he considers a TREAT for working hard....if it isn't actively discussed once a week.

    Now I'm gonna be honest and say that quite frankly I feel I have MUCH better things to do with my time and life than sit down with hubby and discuss why he needs to not eat fast food all week.   And yes we do the whole having healthy snacks in the house he could take instead (does sometimes) and making extra at meal time so that he can take actual food (does sometimes), but I think the problem is basically all TREAT FOCUSED in his mind.  He feels like he is working when he may not want to be and thus he deserves a treat for doing so.

    He has the problem with Adderall killing his appetite, so sometimes I feel like he only eats a small amount of nutritious food on a big work day, but he seems to have a limitless appetite for McDonalds and cokes.....neither good for nutrition nor for ADD as far as the caffeine.

    BUT...he is an adult.  And he has the right to decide what to eat if he wants to......the problem is that it doesn't seem to fit with his LONG TERM health plans.....the ratio of his good/bad cholesterol is a little too close together though both levels are good.  He says he wants to exercise more together and get more fit, but then he is out at work and all his intentions go out the window cause he sees those darn Golden Arches....or Jack in the Box....or god forbid Sonic--he goes THERE for breakfast a couple times a month!!

    I have been reading quite a bit about ADD for children because I am suspicious about my nephew....poor boy has something as he is inattentive as can be and his genetics are ROUGH on SIL's side........and I keep reading and reading about how everything should be postive and rewards-related.  Now I am NOT calling my adult husband a child nor do I want to treat him as such, but we have done other reward-based systems short term.......like a couple times a year we compete with my mom, and now my sister too, with points we allow for house cleaning and he loves racking up those points!

    Also a few years ago when we were pretty new to coaching, we were trying to establish the habit of using his personal calendar and checking it every day.  I was going to buy him a large flat screen monitor that he was  jonesing to have for our anniversary in October anyway, but I offered to let him get it up to 4 months early as soon as he could check his calendar for 30 days in a row....if he missed a day, he'd have to start over.  He did it all in one shot!!  Then the habit immediately started falling off once he had his monitor :(

    All this to say that rewards seem to work well.....and it doesn't seem to matter so much if it is points for cleaning or credit days toward a new monitor.  I wouldn't be interested in making a big financial commitment to anything....I mean you can only own so many computer monitors...but I think some how using a reward system to increase his blow money would be something he'd love........but I don't want to contribute to anything that involves him buying more cokes and fast food (which a lot of his current blow money goes toward once I tell him he's used his budget out of our joint funds).

     

    Suggestions anyone??  Successes??

  • I did the right thing. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    Today I was feeling very sad,sad, that I miss him so much, and wished that we was not controlled by what I call the "next him"but as I write this forum, I know that I have made the right decision and refused his invitation by him"TODAY".I texted him, and in my text to him I wrote and expressed my love to him so strongly,and also went on to tell him that if we don't go to a doctor together to seek treatment from the "next him" then I would not be able to go home by him,because after I thought about it all week, and all day, every minute of every second, I came up with the same conclusion,he needs to see a doctor or start taking meds or else we would go back to the same old nonsense again and again ,and that is torture for not only me but him! he needs to save himself from him,and me from the ADHD effect of it, and I don't want to be spinning top in mud and end up back writing forums on how" he treated me today "or how" he cursed me last night",I just want to be free from all of that.I really miss the" him" I love and the" him" I so run from right now is separating me from the" him" I want to be with.

  • He is blaming me! by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    He is blaming me for everything and not taking responsibilities for his actions,he told me so clearly on several occasions, that we are not really married even though we really are, because I would not live with him, and disown my children.He disowned his kids and abandon them to run from child support.The mother of one of these kids would call him over a period of time telling him she needs him to send money, because the economy was at a down hill, and she was out of work,she would call crying and crying, while he did nothing even though we were now at caught ship at the time, and I too use to beg him to help her but he would fail to do so. Today he has abandon me also by not supporting me when I needed him the most.Ater we got married as I explained in one if my forums before, he had "NOTHING" no car,no money,no job,no place to stay.His mom and dad did not want to have anything to do with him, because he WAS/ IS mentally unstable, but did not know what was causing his mental illness at the time, ADHD,they still don't know anything about that.He is too ashamed to accept it,admit it.He is very good at over powering me when I am trying to tell him things that he is doing wrong.I did alot to help him before he got up on his feet,I took care of him for( four) months,nurtured him like I had milk in my bosoms,treated him like he was no stranger,even though I did not know him that well but loved him the day I laid my eye's on him.Now to date my car seem to be our trigger behind us separating,he seem to blame me for having saying he was not contributing any thing financially to help me,but when I mentioned that to him he misunderstood like he always do ,or, pretends,to play stupid and tells me he is not fixing my car.The transmission in my car is GONE! I need him more than ever before and he is using all sorts of methods and ways of blaming me for the purpose of NOT TO FIX MY CAR! I don't know what to do?I feel used up and hurt,my car is the same car he used like if it was his own.I never drove it for weeks at one time, he did all the driving, and now he has his own place, and car, he pushes me away from him with his angry tantrums,wrong accusations,FALSE pretense of wanting to help me but claims since I stated that he was not helping me financially,he is not going to help me fix my car.Wht does the finances I was talking about have any thing with him to do with fixing my car LABOR WISE? he is just running away from helping me stay independent, I knew all along that he wanted me to stay down in life,but that is so ruthless and mean.I need that car to help me survive,or I will have to pay transportation.Why he do not want to help me? I think think think,but still puzzled.Cause I could never see how he could be so cruel to me after all I have done for him.Or has he forgotten?

  • I AM LEARNING MORE AND UNDERSTANDING, ADHD,BETTER by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    I have learnt alot about ADHD and the things that may trigger it more frequently than usual,ALCOHOL ABUSE,DRUGS, I want to state that I am not currently with my husband right now but was/is thinking of trying the relationship with meds,and treatment,also therapy.I am understanding alot better than before now, I did not really know certain things of which I know now,and also to help other's and encourage them on how ,to handle a spouse that's not on treatment or meds.Today he was at my home where he was fuming with alcohol and marijuana,he was very nice at first but then the trigger of alcohol brought on some strange behavior's when our conversation turned around to ADHD and even before,it was not a conversation I was prepared to have with him, but he was the one that brought it up first,and instead of arguing back with him, I am learning better to just listen, and think that right now his brain's is not functioning well and off balance.AND IT WORKED IN MY DEFENSE! DON'T ARGUE BACK and then I keep thinking it's not your fault and I felt so much better..All the things that I am going through with him lately has been very stressful on my part,but learning more and understanding better could really take some guilt away!He really is not well at all and his ADHD is the severe, but i want to stress on the SEVERE! I keep seeing a side in him that makes me thinks he has bipolar disorder,manic depressions as well because the severity of his ADHD,is way to high to be that alone.He was very ruthless and cruel tonight for no reason at all,I did not bring up any thing upsetting and he was very upset and looking for things to fight about, so then he saw my uncle sitting minding his own business, and he threw tantrums and wrong accusations that he was there to listen to our conversations,using loads of absence languages but quietly for him not to hear,well I was not getting up set with him because I know he is not medicated and drugged out with alcohol and weed, so I told him when you are all sober we would talk tomorrow, and when I was leaving to go inside he was like "'you better don't lock that gate"after he drove off, I am sorry, but, I felt the urge to laugh and laugh non stop and never felt happier during one of our fights, because I KNOW NOW! I am no fool to ADHD and the symptoms they carry,before I would cry ,feel depress NOT ANY MORE.THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.

  • CONFUSED AT THIS POINT. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    I did not want to write this forum but I need help! every one is well aware of me by now since I posted like 5 to 6 forums for the past few days, I can't even remember I have lost count.I hope that every one can understand how hard this is for me and,  I am a very strong/weak person at this point in my marriage.I am from the Caribbean and the help here in the Caribbean is not so advanced with their treatment in ADDer's.I left my husband a few days now with the hyper ness in me never to return,I am having second thoughts.Why? I am not sure,all I know and feel right now is that he needs my help.In his past relationships,which really does not concern me, but, plays a role in my future with him,having found out the pattern and follow up of what was NEVER their fault for leaving and regardless to who it was in the failures of his past relationship's,I am thinking of why none of them tried to help him?He is like 47 now, 16 year's older than me, and this late down in his life he NEVER was treated NEVER was DIAGNOSED properly and he lived where all the treatment was almost free! I did somehow managed to find a doctor who specializes in ADHD patients ,and I did how even spoke to him about it yesterday,he got so defensive,and did tell me he's not going to no mental doctor!Okay I knew he would calm down after 6 hour's cause that's how long it take's him.Any how, I proceed to be persistent and got him last night again on the phone,but this time, I finally got him to agree to go see a doctor.I made the appointment and he have alot going on in work for him right now,and seems like his brain's can't multi task at all ,and I am always forgetting the off balance in him, told him I made the appointment and he declined! AGAIN! Saying that he have too many things going on at work,he can't think,he said he can't focus on that right now.I know he has a off balance in the brain's function and today I realized that if I don't stick with the plan in hand he would continue to procrastinate.I am well aware of what this could do to me but, the strong part in me could handle it,and the weak part in me how ever want's to stick it out with him no matter what it takes.My loving kindness gets me in trouble sometimes and it's not like I want to do this because of any other reasons other than, I love him to death,and my heart is as big as the ocean.But loving him to death is not what's keeping me from having second thoughts,it's the big heart I have with it.Foolish me! weather it works out with him or not I still want to help him I care alot.

  • Suggestions on treatment. My ADHD is hurting my marriage! by: cm123 12 years 8 months ago

    I was officially diagnosed with ADHD in November 2010 at the age of 25. I have known that I had ADHD since childhood but it was never caught and diagnosed. Anyways, I went on Vyvanse and it was great. When I lost my health insurance, my Dr. switch me to Adderall IR because it was more affordable. After being on the max daily dose (40mg) I had to go back to Vyvanse because it just wasn't working anymore. The Vyvanse worked GREAT until about 2 months ago and all of a sudden, my horrid symptoms were back and I could not function. I finally switch back to Adderall XR but I'm on the max dose and it's still not working for me. My husband gets so frustrated and angry with me because I am a walking disaster and cause more chaos than good. I have had to take extra Adderall some days (which I hate doing) just to be able to clean my house so my husband doesn't get mad at me. Also, I had a 4.0 gpa until all this happened. These past two months have ruined my grades, is causing great tension between my husband and I, and also causing me to have way more panic attacks because I cannot function properly (4 attacks this weekend alone). Anyone have any suggestions? I have tried Wellbutrin, Straterra, Intuniv, and Concerta. The concerta worked with my focus, only I would flip out on my kids if they disrupted my attention. I cannot live like this! I feel awful and it isn't fair to my family or myself, any suggestions would be great! Thanks.

  • Trying to figure things out by: lostbutinlove 12 years 8 months ago

    Finding this site has helped open my eyes to many things.  I feel as if I can understand my husband better and that I am not alone in my feelings of being lost.  My husband is yet to be officially diagnosed though we both know that he suffers with ADHD.  I have known this since we started dating 15 years ago.  I was very good at dealing with it, or ignoring the issues possibly, until our son came along 4 years ago.  Since having to divide my time between him and our son, my frustration has grown by leaps and bounds.  In the last 2 years we have both hurt each other by turning to other people for emotional reasons (no physical infidelity occurred).  Since then he has became hyper focused on me.  He loves me with all his being and I know this but have become so aggravated with the guilt trips if I decide to go somewhere with my mother or have the desire to actually go to bed alone early.  For the first 10 yrs of our marriage we worked so much that our social life was us and us alone.  I look back now and realize that I gave up my friendships and now am giving up even more (including time with my mother and alone time) to keep him from pouting and making me feel bad for wanting to go somewhere he was not.  I love my husband and think that we can work through things eventually but right now I am emotionally exhausted.  Last summer he talked about marriage counseling but has since taken the option off of the table.  He will tell me that he is very happy but the need for "a talk" every few months tells me that he certainly is not.  I have been weighing the option of a temporary separation while we seek counseling but any time this topic is discussed even generically, he emphatically states that if we were to separate then it's over.  This is not what I want at least not without us trying counseling.  But I do feel that I need time alone to work on myself and to get a better perspective on our marriage.  I don't know how to do this without destroying him.  The anger, frustration and resentment I feel towards him is beginning to outweigh the love I feel and all of that coupled with the guilt I have for even considering a separation is making me a wreck.    

  • Should I go or should I stay by: Kata 12 years 8 months ago

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  • SAME OLD NONESENCE. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    I called him even though we are not together, and because I care for him, and still do love him, but have loads of doubt of making up back with him, I tried to explain to him he needs to get treated for his ADHD,he won't listen!,he won't go to a therapist or take medications to help him function.I noticed alot of symptoms even over the phone that I would like to point out.

    1)he never listens

    2)his voice gets louder and louder like he thinks i am deaf.

    3)he is always right never wrong.

    4)he gets defensive.

    Now I know that we are having so much problems lately, and with our separation things are very in the strain for us, but he is the same person I decided to leave for the same reasons and I keep on forgetting that don't matter how much I try he is focused on only car and money lately not even himself to try and get some help to make him a better man.

  • WHY DO THINGS, THEN FEEL SORRY AFTER?WHERE DOES "SORRY" LEADS YOU. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 8 months ago

    Why do we do horrible things, then feel sorry after?Putting aside ADHD and the long shot of it, aren't we people with brain's?ADHD may have some symptoms to go with the long term distractions' in life but there is the "THINK BEFORE" we do things especially if it will bring heart break.I am no expert but I have a brain and I try not to do things to then feel sorry after.Today my spouse is no longer a part of me since he do things then feel sorry after..He cheated then felt sorry,he cursed me then felt sorry,he accused me wrongfully then felt sorry after,he did everything to then feel sorry after.what is the point in doing all that to then feel sorry after?"SORRY" won't stop the pain "SORRY" is just a word in the dictionary.It means a lot to hear it sometimes, especially from some one who has the right and man up to his wrong doings,but to me it's just not acceptable if it is the same "SORRY" over and over again.In love the beginning is always the most beautiful,he brings flowers,he treats you like gold,take's you nice restaurants,take you on long vacations all expenses paid at the best Resort in town,tells you how mush we are a match and he has been looking for you all his life,he would complain about pass relationships if their qualities matches or not,at first everything is right,he accepts your biggest piece of baggage and never has a problem "AT FIRST".Then comes marriage with little to none expecting the worse,the living together becomes rather intense to many things starts to rise from east,west,north and south.He would start complaining about everything,but before he knew all I had and more but never found it to be a problem,my biggest piece of baggage is my kids,he knew that but sort to have problems about that now,and many other things along with that."sorry"  is what he feels now since he did so many things to me to then feel ":SORRY" for.He will never get me back to love him again for all the wrong things he did to me,"SORRY" he would lost his partner who loved him intensely,crazy,and genuinely for life"SORRY"he would never be able to get his favorite meals again I use to cook for him "SORRY"he would never be able to even know my love again for what it was worth"SORRY".I left him and now he comes to my home feeling "SORRY" well as is said I try my best to never do things and then feel "SORRY"after but this time I am "SORRY" sorry we did not make it..

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