Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Can someone explain procrastination to me? by: Sueann 13 years 4 months ago

    YYYZ? Ellamenno? Someone?

    I'm seeing instances of procrastination that are driving me nuts! I'm looking to understand it. I don't think there is a way to fix it, if he's not interested.

    Two examples in the last weekend:

    He is supposed to be at church early for choir practice. He doesn't tell me that, and doesn't get out out bed (although he is awake). Then I find out he has his mother's debit card, and he's supposed to give it back to her, but he has no idea where his wallet is. He finally gives up and leaves, 10 minutes late. He's in the choir, so he can't just sneak in the back. Why didn't he leave on time, why didn't he remember where his wallet is, why didn't he tell me he had this vital item, that isn't his, so I could look for it if he couldn't remember where he left it?

    Trash in our neighborhood gets picked up on Friday. He's not working, so he's not getting up early enough in the morning. WHY won't he put it out the night before? He says "I'll get up and get it in the morning," but refuses to set the alarm clock, so of course, he doesn't. One of our cans doesn't get emptied. What is he saving by waiting until morning instead of doing it when it won't make him get up in the morning?

    He's not interested in changing/improving this behavior. As I sit here with no food in my house because he lost his job for this kind of crap, I have to wonder: what is the advantage to him of procrastinating on things he knows he must do? Note that these are actual refusals to do things when they must be done, not getting distracted and "forgetting." He is taking medication but I'm not sure it's working.

    I'm looking for any explanation of WHY he wants to be that way! I know I can't change him and I'm never going to have an acceptable quality of life as long as I live with someone who chooses not to do the things he knows he has to do, like work.

  • Family of ADHD: I'm losing it by: Garth 13 years 4 months ago
    We all have ADHD, mine most severe. I have learned to cope with my symptoms with strategies I've read about and ones I have developed on my own (out of necessity). I do not want to live in chaos any longer. I do not want to wake up every morning to chaos and yelling. I am tired of doing all the housework and cleaning up after 8, yes 8 dogs that my wife impulsively decided to "foster". I'm going nuts trying to get my family to buy into a schedule for cleaning (our house is w wreck, so much that the kids do not want to bring anyone over. My wife complains about the issues but does nothing about it. She has excuses for everything. Anyone else a) know of resources for entire families with ADHD. (b) have any personal experiences. I want to save my marriage because I do enjoy and love my wife. But Im so resentful...it's like I'm the non ADHD person but I'm really not. Help.
  • Trying to grow by: mthewhite 13 years 4 months ago

    Hi everyone,

    I have been reading this site for a while now and am amazed at how much I see not only my girlfriend but myself in these posts. 

    My girlfriend (she's 30) and I(I am 39 now)  got together about three years ago now and have been living together for two. She has two young (4 and 6 yrs old) beautiful children that I have come to love as my own. I hadn't really experienced an ADHD person before I met her. When I was a kid  it wasn't a real accepted thing.  I never knew that ADHD could effect people as much as it does because I didn't really know what it was.  Although my love for my girlfriend is real I always felt like I wasn't doing enough or when I was working a ton and making a lot of money that wasn't good enough either.  I have felt like my head has been spinning off for about two years or so. The uncontrolled mouth of her's and her controlling nature has brought me to exploding so many times.  Before her I seemed to have my life in order. I was mellow, I had a good job, enjoyed being a single guy, enjoyed my interests without hesitation, didn't take life too seriously (never wanted nor ever want to. life is short), spent a lot of time with friends, golfed, drank and traveled. Life was a celebration with loved ones. Maybe excessive at times but no regrets.  Over the past year or so, maybe more, I have really started resenting her. At the same time I have started to sloooowly accept certain things about myself. Through her issues I have started to come back to myself in positive ways. Retrospectively I have found out that my own life (youth through young manhood) of deliberation, avoidance, anxiety, and not following through nor reaching many if any goals are symptoms of the very thing my girlfriend has.  I recently started seeing a therapist and finding that I too have this (I am the inattentive one) and that all the things I hate her for I have denied in myself.  The main difference is that at a young age she was diagnosed and her mother (a elementary school counselor) helped to give her understanding and a framework in which to live.  She fought hard to become the mom she is and to have the wonderful career she has. She has fought hard for her kids and continues to be a great mom. 

    I now wish I could have been diagnosed when I was young and could have understood my daydreaming in school. I wish I could have followed through and not felt like a failure my whole life. i wish I had understood relationships better and been able to not deny myself success. the fear that ADHD can breed is astonishing. As I have aged I settled. I settled for what I believed I was. I settled on not being able to be in one situation or place or relationship for too long. I settled on not being able to focus on one thing long enough to taste a hint of self satisfaction.  Pats on the back don't come easy. They actually never come.  Even if I forced myself to choose something new to try I would never succeed. I did great in culinary school but didn't finish my externship because of fear of failure or fear of not being good enough to do the work. I see now that in my past I have had this idea that if i wasn't "good enough" at something I would give up and move on. I guess it's the idea of perfection that I have. Not perfect means not good enough. What is "perfect" though and who the hell do I think is judging me other than myself? 

    Anyway, this is a bit of a rant. Probably not well written either.

    I am hoping beyond hope that I can straighten out some things and start to be fully involved in my life and my girlfriends and the kids' lives. i can say though that in the back of my mind there is a rip chord. The parachute has Caribbean beaches and a bar printed on it. the "easy" life. The thing is I want her and the kids there too.

     

    -matt

     

  • ADD leads to Divorce by: rob_henwood 13 years 4 months ago

    I have posted previously.  My marriage appears to be past the point of return; my wife has just canceled our last marriage counseling session.  I am very sad but resigned.  I am going to attempt follow Melissa's path, as she presented in her book, by working on my best self rather than pining over my failing relationship.  My wife and I have many issues to work out: financial and legal (bankruptcy and house) and children (2 boys, 7 and 5).  We have discussed separation and dissolution.  Any advice for what to do next or how to start?  

    Rob H

  • YYZ's Progress Report by: YYZ 13 years 4 months ago

    I have not started a post in a long time, so I think today is as good as any.

    A little over two years after my diagnosis I feel like things in my house are better than they have been in a long time. I always take my meds, read and respond to many posts here (This site and it's great people have really made a difference) and continue to work on my ADD behavior. Communication between my DW is much improved and the anger and frustration seems to be fading fast.

    I wanted to post results that are positive to those who, like me, needed to know that it is possible for things to work out for the marriage blown-up by the affects of ADD and all the other things that get marriages in trouble. I knew improvement would take time and patience and though we still face challenges like any marriage, time has indeed passed, communication improved, ADD symptoms are better controlled and I am feeling some peace and a lot less anxiety in my marriage.

    The big issue regarding weight loss and the "Real Reason" behind it is less of an issue. I believe my reassurances to my DW that I want only her, and unlike seemingly every couple around us in our age range, I don't want a divorce and am not having an affair. Time seems to be helping us both. I don't know the "Magic Formula", but patience and understanding what your spouse is dealing with is a must. I have ADD and other issues and my wife have battled with depression and these things helped create how we deal with things. Understanding "Why" I get some reactions has made a difference for me. I'm hoping that my DW has some understanding of the "Why" I act/react the way I do sometimes. I do/have done many things that someone outside our marriage might say "Don't put up with this... Run...". I have heard some of the same comments and because I understand some of the root causes for the behaviors I can keep them in perspective.

    Many people here on this site have given me perspective regarding what we are going through and would not be where I am without their support.

    YYZ

  • Don't know what to do by: heartaches 13 years 4 months ago

    I feel like my heart is breaking... I love my  husband.  We have been married nearly 4 years.  both had been married and raised children previously.  knew each other for years (but mostly through others) and share so many great things together.  He is undiagnosed yet, I believe he has ADHD (easily distracted, time management issues, forgets, disorganized-organization, hyper-focus, etc.).  He has so many wonderful qualities that I feel like I am married to 2 different people.  When we are together we get along, share common interests and can work together on projects and things.  When we are out he can't seem to pass up a chance to check out a good looking woman.  If he can get her to smile he says he is just being friendly. When I try to talk with him about how much this hurts me he is defensive and says he isn't doing that and I am the one with the issues. yet he has on occasion admitted he has a problem with this.  It concerns me - the steps he takes to engage a woman... it's more than noticing.   I have found him interested in pictures of women on flickr... lots of them....  Right after we were married I found out he had been maintaining friendships with other women while we were dating - he said he let them know he wouldn't be calling them anymore just before we got married.  I  have discovered on a number of occasions that while he and I are on driving trips he takes unusual routes which go passed or close to the homes of former  "friends".  He had been single for a number of years so there were quite a few.  Some inconsistent stories make me wonder what he does when I am not with him. I work fulltime some distance from home and his work has been a problem due to the economy.  It has been frustrating for both of us.  He doesn't complete projects, distorts what "really" happened, changes his mind and our plans without discussing with me, the list goes on.  I feel like I am running in a non-stop marathon and I know I am not coping with it as well as I could.   I try to understand that some situations are just "ADD" things yet I enable some of the behavior by being passive and letting things go until I can't take anymore.  Other things I refuse to do to compensate.  Then we have an argument.  He says the right things but nothing changes.  I don't nag about unfulfilled promises - just hurt and feel resentment.  I am not sure how to deal with it...  feel so much heartache...  don't know what to do...

  • Re: mood swings - the ups and downs by: dedelight4 13 years 4 months ago

    I'd like to ask: What the rest of you do when your adhd spouses are having extreme mood swings? and maybe those with adhd could tell me what they are feeling or thinking, etc. I would greatly appreciate ANY personal dealings with this. My adhd husband is on Concerta, but he can have some really "down" days, in which it seems that NOTHING can cheer him up, or change his mood, and I have always been at a loss as to what to do, or how to respond. I used to be really concerned and care very much about "what was bothering him", but he could never really tell me anything specific. He would always just say, "I just have too much on my mind, and I'm just really DOWN about everything". He would never confide in me about anything "specific", or let me in on his "secret sufferings". (that is what it seemed like) To me, when there is a down day, it feels like he is carrying around all these "worries" that I just wouldn't or couldn't understand. (that's what his body language and spoken or unspoken things feel like to me) I've learned over the years that there's not much I can do, but he really mopes around for a day or two and acts like the world is coming to an end.

         On the "good" days, he's upbeat, funny, lighthearted and is fun to be around. Are these mood swings part of the daily life of those with adhd? Do they have to learn to deal with this? Before we knew he had adhd, these "down" times made me feel very bad, and I didn't know what to do. There were occasional times where his down time would last several days to a week, and it was miserable in the house. I felt like a failure because there wasn't anything I could do to "cheer him up", and he let me FEEL like a failure, without telling me, "It's not you, it's me".

        On another note: He feels like a failure quite a bit of the time, regardless of the MANY accomplishments he has. He's earned a BA, MA, PhD, has been a VERY successful teacher with many awards and acknowledgements from colleagues and media. He is published and has started many different musical groups that are still going today. But, to him, none of this is "enough". He always tells me, "I always believed that I was supposed to do something GREAT with my life". But, he doesn't SEE anything good he has done as being ENOUGH. Nothing of what he has done is "enough" accomplishment. I know he wants "fame" and also the money that hopefully comes with that. Anyway, I've been dissapointed in the past because ME or OUR FAMILY isn't considered in his "list of accomplishments". This has been very hurtful. Does anyone else go through this? I've disconnected myself emotionally, but there are still occasions where it DOES get to me, that he doesn't recognize that our family is the GREATEST of accomplishments.

       Is this something that could also be changed with different medications, or stronger medications?

    Thanks for listening.

    dede

  • Re: still confused by: dedelight4 13 years 4 months ago

    Hi group, Maybe someone can give me insight into my adhd husband's type of adhd, because it is still confusing to me, and at times I am just STUMPED. He was never lazy, in fact he was always "doing something" (I guess hyperactivity?)He didn't do things in ways that most kids would do, but I guess some of his actions could have seemed as "lazy". He WAS messy, and never put anything back, and his father was always angry at him for something.

         He always did very well in school and got straight A's, which is not usual for the "typical" adhd person. In fact school was "easy" for him, meaning, he rarely had to study and STILL got good grades with honors. (considered a nerd) His social life was more difficult for him though. He was scared to death of girls (his words) most of his growing up, and only had one real "friend". I've asked some of his old friends (aquaintinces) what he was like when he was young, and found out that HIS view of his childhood friendships were different than how his "friends" saw things. He was very impatient with people, and the other kids saw him as "somewhat mean" or "disconnected". He couldn't talk with people easily, or make friends easily, (which he's had trouble with most of his adult life) I know his social awkwardness has hurt him in his adult professional career, and he's been very angry with me if I tried to suggest ways to "mingle" or "network" with other co-workers. (which I don't do anymore)

       My husband's lack of talking and communicating has been the most difficult thing. He can talk for hours if it is about his interests, job, or himself, but when it comes to our relationship, he stops. I know our lack of communication due to all the years of undiagnosed adhd has played a huge part in this, but, he STILL thinks that I'm the one "who can't say things right". In the past, we've had hundreds of disagreements of "You said this", "No you didn't", "Yes you did", "You didn't say that", "I didn't say that". I would be AMAZED at things he "thought" I said/or didn't say, would be exactly the OPPOSITE of what was said. (and vise versa) I thought I was going crazy. Here is someone who is SO smart and educated, and yet "simple communication" about our every day life, is akin to torture.

       My main point is this: I am still having difficulty dealing with my husbands lack of relationship skills/communication. I don't know whether to just stop fretting over this, or whether to keep trying to communicate. I haven't been successful in my past attempts at communication, so should I leave it up to him? There ARE things that are bothering him but he keeps telling me, "I just keep it to myself". I tell him, but that hasn't been helping, so lets try to find another way to say or do things so that we CAN know what each other is saying. I often wonder if there is something more than adhd going on with him. (one counselor suggested the possibility of Asperger's) But, there is NO way my husband will look at anything else other than adhd. He is ok with having adhd, and taking Concerta for it, but DON'T suggest there is anything else.

       I just can't reach him when it comes to US. So, I don't know what he thinks a "good marriage" or a "good relationship" should consist of. It's frustrating, it's confusing, it hurts and years just keep going by without any resolution or breakthrough with this. I know I'm rambling, but we have this WALL between us that just never comes down and nothing can go through. So, I just don't know what is left. Thanks for listening

    dede

  • What is the difference between narcism and ADHD? by: married to adhd 13 years 4 months ago

    How can indifference, lack of emotion, and pretty much ignoring someone (until bedtime) be at all construed as love? Does the ADHD mind really believe this? Or does this describe a narcissistic person? What is the difference between narcissism and ADHD?

  • I am Instant Gratification and He is Build up/Foreplay - can it work? by: PepperPotts 13 years 4 months ago

    I've seen quite a few posts here regarding ADHD+non-ADHD couples and their sex lives but one part of the subject that I didn't see touched upon (no pun intended) is how to deal with the ADHD partner's desire for instant gratification when the non-ADHD partner enjoys more of a build-up and foreplay.  In my case, I'm the one who is the instant gratification person and he couldn't be more opposite, especially where sex is concerned but really in so many ways that is how we are.  He is frustrated because of my lack of sensuality.  He says I seem to have very little creativity in the bedroom in terms of setting the scene/mood, flirting, building up to the crescendo.  I wonder if he's right.  I can be creative in so many ways but when it comes to the bedroom, I am more the 'jump your bones' type.  He is - in every way - the most creative person I've ever met - but especially in the bedroom...  and while I do enjoy this, the long build-up can at times cause my mind to wander.  I'm newly diagnosed and on meds/therapy but this is something that I know causes my other half not only frustration but some heartache.  This is probably a bit odd coming from the female half of the relationship - I always hear these types of "complaints" coming more from my gender than from men (generally)...  For a long time, I thought something MUST be wrong with me for my mind to wander so much during foreplay but now I know it to be a byproduct of the ADHD.  This doesn't make it any less irritating for me, as I feel I should be focused - at least during these most intimate moments!  Back to the original point of my post - I am not even sure how to learn to be more creative in the realm of setting the right scene in the bedroom...  Don't get me wrong, I've watched some movies (both pornographic and not) to try and garner ideas but when I attempt to implement them, I feel awkward and forced at best - at least thus far.  Is my man doomed to a woman with no creativity in bed?!  I sure hope not.  Is this a skill that can be learned??  He has often told me that I am sexual but not sensual (not in an accusatory way - we were merely discussing what some of our issues might be)...  Can one learn to become sensual when dealing with ADHD at 38?

Pages