Hello,

I am so glad I found this site! All of this time I had thought I was crazy and overemotional and just overreacting to everything. I was >< close to ending things the day before I found this site. I had already written a letter (so I could get my point across without being interrupted or just flat out not listened to), and had accepted that I was going to have to lose him. I figured I would see just how much of a role ADHD causes in a relationship before I made a final decision so I Googled "ADHD affect on relationships" and here I am. I was stunned to see so much of him in all of these articles and posts! So much of his behavior is explained here.

Ah, hyperfocus. We met online, and then met in person a week later. Honestly, had I seen him on the street I wouldn't have even glanced at him. He was so charming online, and so adorable in person (like a nervous teenage boy), I told myself to give him a chance. I was tired of handsome guys that were just jerks, so I gave him a shot. We had about a good 5 months of hyperfocus. He was considerate, attentive, affectionate, and made me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. I had never dreamed that a man like him existed. He said the sweetest things to me (which he now chalks up to being drunk when he said them). The hyperfocus started wearing off, and we discussed that it was normal in a relationship for that initial rush to end, although I did think it was a little soon seeing as how we were so smitten with each other. He told me he was ADHD shortly after we met. I noticed it in his organization skills and his short or intensely focused attention span. No biggie, I was very organized and did my best to help keep him organized as well. I cannot tell you how much I miss the hyperfocus stage, who wouldn't?!

So, to now, a year and a half later. He's said "I Love you" to me ONCE! Over a year ago, unprovoked (by voice, he will type it into the end of an email occasionally). All I can get from him now is a mumbled "I love you too" when I say it, so I rarely say it to him, although I want to say it all the time. This kills me! I tell him he doesn't love me, and his response is "I never said I didn't.", yeah well, he never says he DOES! He's so distant emotionally, says a relationship is like a partnership, we can love each other, but technically (in a nutshell of what he said) we are like roommates. I have written him letters pouring my heart out to him, telling him how much I want this to work, and how I think we may have a future together and that I love and support him and don't want to lose him. And what response do I get, nothing. Maybe a sentence telling me I am being silly (he says this when I mention fear of losing him), if anything at all. Don't get me wrong, there are occasional glimpses of him caring very deeply about me. I can see it in his eyes and feel it when he touches or holds me, but to actually vocalize how he feels about me, FORGET IT! One question that I have to ask that hasn't been answered in my readings here is does the ADHD partner actually LOVE their partner once the hyperfocus is over? Or are they just attached and too scared to let go?

When I try to bring up our relationship he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. At this point, I have no reassurance from him (I have severe abondonment issues, for good reasons, which I can explain later) which leads me to act like a neurotic mess. He told me once "I'm not going anywhere." and I still can't decide if he meant it, or if he just said it to shut me up. I mentioned splitting up when I came across some possible infidelity, and he was so ambivalent saying if we do it is reality, and that the decision was up to me. I told him he didn't care, he said that was not true. He showed no emotion basically. He says he will not chase me or fight for me if things end, or if I pull away from him. He will just go. Why not at least try to keep things together? Does he care and is it just a defense mechanism or does he actually just not care?

I am a single mother with a 14 year old son. I maintain my house, car, etc. I finally moved closer to his area because it was a better area for my son to be in (2 hours from home), and because I felt like we were ready to be closer and see each other more often. He swears that we will not move in together for a long time, yet it feels like he has essentially moved in. Most of his stuff is here, and he goes into "town" a few nights a month to work for business (catering company, sometimes he bartends late and stays with family). He keeps telling me if he had the money he would help me more. He pays the electric bill (I nagged about it), and cooks fantastic dinners occasionally. But I feel ilke I am supporting him. Free rent, food, water, cable. I am cleaning up after him often (not all the time though), and he doesn't help with anything unless he feels like it or until he gets tired of me complaining to him. I am not the nagging type. I hate nagging, but sometimes it's the only way I can get anywhere with him.

Our sex life has gone down the tubes over the past 6 months. Before then, AMAZING! He just says he's too fat now (he's gained weight but I am still attracted to him) and lazy. tired all of the time. But yet if I want to go down on him he is game....okay, I will find the sex thread on this one......

I have recently (in the past 2 weeks) found little traces of possible infidelity, have confronted him about it, and he says things that make it seem like he's not really up to anything. He's turned his profile on one social media site to private after I told him I found it and was upset that there were sexual things from other women on there, he claims he was just playing a game, but why would he turn his profile private, as well as change his username, picture and location (I have the URL, he thinks I was just using the search box). Basically he hid himself. Why would he do that if he is just playing a game? *sarcasm, I am not an idiot*. He said that he likes attention from other women because he doesn't feel like he is attractive anymore and needs that validation. Even I can understand that, I like when men other than him find me attractive it's a nice ego boost, but it still hurts. I am not talking to other men or flirting online. He says he's not out to cheat, but I am starting to wonder if there is some sort of a sexual addiction going on with him that I just do not have evidence of yet. His previous girlfriend snooped a lot he says, and would get back at him by getting attention from other men. Since coming to this site, I am understanding why this would be a problem. He needs the stimulation and frankly I guess I am just not enough for him anymore. How does one fix this? It tears my heart out to think that he would be looking for affection and sex from someone else, when I am right here, love him to pieces and want way more sex than he is willing to give me.

I am starting to realize that he may have some narcissism issues as well. He is overly concerned with his appearance and is continuously putting himself down about how fat he is he hates his hairline he hates his eyes (he's italian and has the dark circles and bags). And in traffic, WHOA!He talks crap about the other drivers how they are so ego driven they need to be first, this person just cut him off, they are speeding, etc. And then he goes and does the SAME thing they are doing, or just gets downright aggressive (I am scared he's going to get shot someday)! Half the time I am stifling laughter when he does this along with just being plain annoyed! I read somewhere that this is normal, and now I know it's the ADHD and hes not just a ridiculous a*****e.

He has started being very critical of me lately. He picks apart almost everything I do, especially when it comes to my job, my son, my pets, car, and how I run the house. He blames me damn near every time something goes wrong (and it's usually something HE forgot to do) almost like a knee jerk reaction. If he can't find something he asks me where it is, I tell him I haven't seen it and he gets upset with me. He repeats over and over about how he swears he left it "right there" and I must have moved it on him. Or gets mad because I don't know where something is (ahem, because he put it in the wrong place!). I am not the gatekeeper of all of the stuff!!! This is a house with a lot of stuff! I am required to know where everything is at every given moment otherwise he gets frustrated.

I have noticed selfishness as well. it feels like it's always about him. if I don't want to do something he wants to do, he gets upset, and I will finally concede, then he will say no, let's do what you want to do, giving me a MAJOR guilt trip in the process which leads me to not enjoy the activity I wanted to do. Sexually, his needs come first. Physically, he is like a "bull in a china shop". He will run me over to get wherever he needs to go (boy do my feet hurt), and when we walk somewhere, he is almost walking diagonally in front of me. I am constantly having to step around him again and again to walk next to him. Almost seems like he is physically saying "I come first, get out of my way."

Honestly, I am not sure if I want to stay, and not sure if he really wants to change. I need affection, and NEED to be told I am loved. I need to not be cheated on and lied to. I need to make sure that for my son and I, I am not supporting a man that is just using me. Part of me wants to help him through this and hope that we can have a great relationship, maybe even get married someday. He's not all bad. He's charming, a talented guitarist and chef, and has moments when he can be loving (although those are waning), is funny as hell, and we get along really well when things are good between us. I do not want to walk away from him and make a big mistake, all because of this stupid disease. I just don't know if I have the energy to stay though. A year before meeting him I had left a 15 year horrible excuse for a marriage with a Bipolar II alcoholic/pothead. I will say this. I do love this man, and he has stood beside me through the most horrible period in my life (my mom was murdered last August). This relationship does have potential and I feel like it would be a tragedy to just give up especially considering all we have been through. I just can't seem to figure out where to go with this, and it is hurting me. Emotionally and physiologically.

Though he has not been diagnosed with ADHD I feel pretty confident my husband suffers from it. He has never been able to reach his goals, feel self confident, hold a job, maintain relationships, or in general, have any kind of focus on anything other than himself.  I gave him a couple books to read, hoping he would come to the conclusion that he has ADHD and get some help.  Not holding my breathe, but I am hoping he has some sort of an epiphany. 

After 24 years of marriage...me supporting him both emotionally and financially...he moved out. He started sleeping at his 'office' a couple nights a week, then more, then eventually stopped coming home.  (His 'office' is a room in a condo that he rents - and pays for out of my salary. He claims he is doing some marketing work there but does not make any income.) 

My problem now is whether I keep financially supporting him while he lives 'on his own' and figures his life out.  I pay for his rent, food, gas, insurance, cell phone, and multiple gym memberships.  I also pay our mortgage and all my own expenses along with expenses for my child and our pets.  Really, I feel like a chump. I don't wish him any harm but have no idea how he will survive if I start cutting him off financially. We made this mess of a marriage together but I am so very tired of doing all the work with no return.  I am ready to take responsibilty for taking care of my own life but can't do it if I have him as my 'dependent' adult.

Can an adult man with ADHD who has never held a job for longer than a year be self supportive?  Will cutting him off financially make him 'worse' or make him go off the deep end?  I believe our marriage may be damaged beyond repair but I want him to be able to have a good relationship with our child.  How can I help him do that without getting sucked into supporting him for the rest of his life? 

Anyone have some advice for me?

The Love of my life of 18 years (Married for 11) has just told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm devastated. I was diagnosed with combined subtype ADHD shortly before our first (only) child was born about 2 years ago. I had always self medicated with Marajuana (which she knew about but didn't really approve of for a future family environment). I agreed with that and don't condone using cannabis in the house with kids around.

Before I run you through this, here are the cliff notes on my Wife and I. I am an outgoing dude with a good sense of humor. Now that I think about it the sense of humor developed both as way being stimulated by making people laugh as well as a self defense mechanism for ADHD. Self deprication is an art form trust me. I am a 7. In smaller rural areas I could be an 8. My wife is a 12. In order to rank a 12 in my book you have to be beautiful, but more importantly intelligent with a great sense of humor. She is completely unaware of how beautiful she is though I tell her often. She is maybe a little obsessive compulsive. Things definately need to be done a certain way (dishwasher loaded, housework etc.) She has both tolerated and compensated for my dysfunctional messes over the years (clothes piling up in the bathroom, clutter etc). I am sure that this bothers her more than the average non ADHD Spouse. Bottom line about us is that we are complete opposites.

Everything was reasonably great until our child was born. Our child is the most beautiful child on the planet. Personality and kindness just melts your heart. Going to be two in a couple months. When he was born predictably as I believe Melissa's book states, my wife's compensating for me (in area's of bills, baby skills, etc.) became unbearable for my Wife. She is the greatest and most selfless Mom the world has ever known. One other very important event that happened during the pregnancy is that I became focused like a lazer on my job. I had just been laid off earlier in the pregnancy. I was determined not to let that happen again. I had also just been diagnosed and had started taking Adderall (I had quit the weed cold turkey). So again per Melissa's book, I believe I stopped my hyperfocus on my wife and shifted all that toward the Job which in my mind was a better way to serve my wife and impending baby. Right as my child was born, my job work load tripled. Guess what else tripled? Adderall. The more I felt my Wife pulling away from me, the more of that stuff I took thinking that I wasn't cutting it. I would run out of my prescription early and crash for days. This was hard on her. She began to resent me. At the time, I couldn't understand what had happened to us. The adderall was clearly an issue, so I tried other drugs but ended up going back on Adderall because they didn't work for me. At one point I had taken so much one night that I accused her of cheating on me years ago. While I never felt that i was out of control, I clearly had a psychotic moment of paranoia from the Adderall. I would never (nor have I ever) physically done anything. I realized that I was acting out some seriously deep seeded emotions that were involuntarily coming out as I tried to figure out why my wife didn't love me anymore.

We made the mistake of choosing a counselor who did not cover ADHD. The counselor thought of ADHD as a simple lack of attention. It was at this time that Melissa's book came into my hands. It was a miracle to me. Finally a book to explain what happened, is happening and how to fix it. My Wife seemed interested at first, but then she seemed to push back on working on the excercises. Fast forward to now. I am off Adderall, but decided to use cannabis to do it. She does not approve of this in spite of my keeping out of the house.

She will not commit to any path toward healing our Marriage. I found an ADHD counselor and she won't go with me. She has said that I need to work on this on my own. She doesn't want to be my therapist etc. I don't know what to do . . . . I know that I have made mistakes. I know that I am a burden to her. How do I save this for us and our child. She clearly has Chronic Resentment towards me. I have moved out for a month and this did nothing to alleviate. I finally moved back in recently because it is too hard on our child.

To end on a lighter note (and hide my very real pain), you should know that some details of the story have been changed to protect anonymity. For example, I am really like a 5.

I've recently started taking Concerta to try and help with my ADD.  I was wondering what some of the effects people have had.  I don't seem to have a great effect on my true mental ability, just seem to be hyped up, but not in a caffeinated way.  That, and I believe I've noticed that it tends to make me feel more emotional.  I can find myself allowing thoughts to well up and almost push me to crying (for the record, I'm the kind of person who all but never cries).  It's really odd.  I was wondering if anyone else had had this effect?  Honestly, I'm pretty close to stopping using it and trying something else, but I don't want to become a pill-jumper.  I HATE taking meds at all, but I know/understand that it can help me.