Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Help! Meds stopped working! by: ellamenno 13 years 4 months ago

    Has anyone else had this problem:  Suddenly I am having severe slip-ups even though I am taking Adderall regularly, 2ce a day.  2 days ago lost my keys and metrocard.  Yesterday was a logistical nightmare, all 'ADD moments' leading to me being 45 minutes late meeting someone, and forgetting to bring essetial items...  then I ruined dinner.  this morning I was going to fold the laundry I did before going to bed, only to realize i never put it in the dryer and it was still in the washing machine getting mildewy....  Burned breakfast this morning because i couldn't handle making bacon AND pancakes at the same time.  Totally exhausted and fell asleep for two hours (can anyone else sleep after taking 20 mg of Adderall??)

    WHAT'S HAPPENING????

    I'm panicking a bit because next week i have to travel with my kids and I have to have my $#!t together!  Am i just getting a higher and higher tolerance for it and it's not working anymore?  will I turn into a speed freak needing more and more of this stuff???  or is it just not working anymore?  Or is it just a bad couple of days??

    HELP!

  • Conflicting ADHD symptoms by: drkwood 13 years 4 months ago

    I believe that there are different forms of ADHD- that said I am diagnosed with ADHD and believe my husband either has a processing disorder or another form of ADHD.  I tend to be the more impulsive type of ADHDer.  I think things through quickly and prefer to skip explaining the process and just get to the end.  He is the opposite:  he has to process everything out loud.  He takes an inordinate amount of time to do anything outside the work realm. He easily takes twice as long as an average person to even get dressed.  Which means he takes about three times longer than I do.  Our conversations are painful because he has to process everything, one step ata  time, without being interrupted.  I want to interrupt because I want to talk about the first topic- if he goes past that I forget what we are talking about to begin with.  He has been known to go on for 30 minutes at a time.  even using a note pad to keep track, I get cramps in my hand!  I have made every effort to slow down- somewhat successfully- even if it means just going in the other room so I'm not glaring at him.  He seems incapable of speeding up at all.  he resists the notion that he has any attentional problems.  I encourage him to drink more coffee- at least then it's a bit better. I try to keep our differences in perspective.  He struggles with this and gets mad at me. Any suggestions on how to reduce the tension between us?

  • The proper place of porn in a marrage by: magusx613 13 years 4 months ago

    Hi I am a very very adhd husband and I watch a lot of porn but there are rules. I have been married for 3 years and this is what works for us like  a charm

     

    1. no interacting with real people, no live cams, nothing, do not interact with a live person

    2. never put porn before sex if it is 9 pm and you want to rub one out, ask are we going to hook up tonight if so wait, always put sex with your wife before porn

    3. porn is a tool in our marriage its is an outlet for my extreme and unhealthy desire(it is better that you do not know them) as well as my high sex drive (2 to 3 times a day)

    4.   It should not come before your husband's family obligations

     

    these are what work for me, if at any time your husband would rather watch porn then be with you there is an issue

     

  • Separation and Getting Back Together (looking for people's experience) by: hope09 13 years 4 months ago

    I'm the wife and my husband has ADHD.  We've been separated for a year and over the last few months I've let go of the anger and have allowed myself to feel compassion for him and love him again thru all the hurt he put me thru.  I was pretty much ending the marriage but I do love him and in one aspect I do NOT want to regret NOT giving him a second chance BUT in the same respect, I do NOT want to have those regrets of giving him a second chance IF he hurts me again.  I do want to mention that he was very verbally and emotionally abusive and life was a rollercoaster.  

    I wonder, is he just nice and loving because we've been apart?  Or does he really love me enough to respect me?  Or is it that he just can't see thru the ADHD.  I guess I'm looking for answers that he is an improved person and that he truly recognizes the his actions and behavior.  He does now when we are apart but I wonder IF we were together will that all disappear.

    I don't have children so this would be a pretty clean divorce so that's why I'm so torn up over this decision.  I am going to be livid at myself if I end up in the same place as before.  I'm 33, going on 34, I don't have that much time to waste when I would like to start a family.  I'm very responsible and emotionally stable to do so...its really him and his problems that I end up dealing with.  Mind you, he just got arrested a few weeks ago due to an anger/rage issue.  Will stuff like this end or become less?  Those types of problems are so unnecessary.  I want to worry about building a life not going backwards.  Ahhhh, any insight into your experiences would be appreciated.  Thanks so much for the time.

  • Adhd or not: losing perspective as to when to give up by: lululove 13 years 4 months ago
    Yes my spouse has add. Yes he is taking a med which can give him a weird flat affect sometimes. We've gone to counseling and it just made him angrier. He states more often about how he does not love me, but then will say it back to me if I say it first. I do love him - after almost 30 years. So do the kids, and he they. But over the last couple of years, It seems that with this new diagnosis of adhd, his symptoms have gotten way worse as has his anger impulsivity. He has not done it recently but his physical aggression agst me has gotten worse. His verbal and emotional abuse can be horrible. We can be intimate one moment and immediately he disappears and upon return, says he was just getting F**ked by someone. Horribly crude and rude comments making me feel degraded. I am sick and afraid, and this is not normally me (though I can barely remember who that is anymore). Does it even matter if he has adhd or just that he is so mean and occasionally cruel. I want the man I love back on a regular basis, I dont understand why he is doing this. I know how it sounds... Pathetic, and there is no one I can talk to anymire it seems without triggering pity, a scolding, or my friends quick and utter disappearance (too heavy to talk about). I feel very alone except for the kids. And I am really tryong to keep It together for them. Am I fooling myself that this will work out?! I just feel so lost. Whats best for the kids? For me? For my husband?
  • very conflicted by: ccpotter10 13 years 4 months ago

    I need some advice.  I am feeling so conflicted.   Let me give you a little history.  I have been married to an ADHD spouse for 13 years.  He takes his medicine when he wants to trying to ration it out knowing that I have said it is a non-negotiable for him to take it.  He spends a lot of time, I feel like, self medicating with alcohol.  Alcohol is a big issue in our relationship.  It always has been.  I don't like how much he drinks, and he refuses to quit.   On top of that, he has an incontinence issue when he drinks so he wets the bed or on the couch and generally I am left with the mess to clean up.  He has gotten better about cleaning it up, but still leaves it for me a lot of the time.  I feel like that is totally unfair but he refuses to see or admit that there is a problem.  We have been to counseling more than once, but he doesn't do the work that the therapists or counselor asks of us both.  He knows he needs to take his medicine but says if he takes the afternoon pill it makes him unable to sleep.  Unfortunately, in the afternoon is when I see him most, after I get off of work.  I am in the middle of the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage, and just yesterday I ready about how it must feel to be the ADHD spouse...only wanting to please your spouse but constantly screwing up.  I understand how that could be so frustrating and belittling, which leads to my confusion today.  So here is the scenario:

    Yesterday, I started a load of laundry before I left for work.  Also, there were 2 birds that, for whatever reason, had fallen dead outside my back door.   He was still in bed, but awake, and I asked him before I left if he would clean up the dead birds and, if he thought about it, switch the laundry to the dryer when it was done and off I went to work.  He decided to come and have lunch with me since he was off of work.  When he came, I asked him if he got the dead birds and he grinned, which I knew instantly meant no, but we just laughed it off and he said he would do it when he got home.  I also asked him if he switched the laundry.  He said yes.  I said, "really?  you did?"  to which he replied "yes" again.  Not once, but twice.  We went to lunch, had a good time, and he dropped me back off at work.  I got home from work last night and not only were the birds not picked up, the laundry had not been switched. 

    I have dealt with this kind of thing for 13 years.  I honestly didn't expect the laundry to be done when I asked him that morning.  I have come to expect that.  What really makes me upset is that he lied to me...not once, but twice.  I understand that he did it with the intention of coming home and getting it done without me ever knowing the difference, but he didn't and I did find out, and this is not the first time things like this have happened.   About 2 years ago, he lied to me in front of a bunch of people and I made a complete fool out of myself because I got so excited, and it turned out to be a lie.  We almost split up over that one.  It was the straw that almost broke the camel's back because it had happened so many times.  I told him then to not lie to me anymore.  Just tell me the truth.  I would have maybe shaken my head if he would've have said he didn't do the laundry earlier in the day, but instead I blew up because he lied about it.  It ruined the whole night.  If there is something I can't stand, it's a liar.  I would rather someone tell me the truth and take the repercussions than lie and think in doing so, the outcome will be better.  It never ends up that way.   Then to top it off, he drank several beers and guess what happened?  He had an accident all over the couch.  He did get up and wash it before he left for work, but I have to put it together when I get home.   

    So, after reading up to that point in the book, I feel like I want him to know that I still love him, but he needs to realize how big of a deal this is.  The alcohol, taking his meds correctly, etc.  He thinks I blame everything on him not taking his meds, and honestly, a lot of the time I do.  I think the reasoning behind that is that we were married for about 5 years before he was officially diagnosed and I saw what a difference the meds made in our relationship.  Now I can tell instantly whether or not he has had his pill.  I feel like I am trying to learn about ADHD and would jump in to try to help him with it but he just gets defensive.  I hurry and put the book away when he walks in because he will get irritated if he finds me reading it.  I find it's better just to avoid those kinds of battles.   I am just at a loss today.  I feel like I am made out to be this ogre of a person because he didn't intentionally forget to do it, or intentionally lie.  I know that, but I feel like it is unfair for me to just pick up and be ok with never being able to rely on or trust  what he says.  I am really trying to put myself in his shoes and think about how he must feel today.  I know he feels bad.  I know he feels unloved and incompetent and worthless and that has got to be horrible.  I hate it that I am the person that makes him feel that way, and I hate it that I have become this bitter, untrusting person.  So, I want to tell him that I love him, but I also want him to understand that something has got to give.  Meds have to be taken.....CORRECTLY.  I am so frustrated.   I have been telling him this our whole marriage.  Things gets better for a while and then everything goes back to normal. 

    Another factor is that we have a daughter who is 9.  She and I are very close.  She sees how much he drinks, she sees me frustrated, and she sees how unreliable he is.  I am concerned for her because I don't want her to think that this is how a man should treat a woman.  I don't want her to see me unhappy.  Fortunately, she missed the blow up last night because she is visiting her grandparents, however, she has seen it before.  I really try not to fight around her because she gets very upset so I try to stay very calm, even when we are "discussing" an issue.   He, however, does not.  All of this has just come crashing down on me today and I am just very overwhelmed right now.  I don't know what else to do.     

       

  • Violence towards children from ADD Wife by: Hsbnd 13 years 4 months ago

    Hi - I'm new here, seeking advice and support on how to deal with violence from my Spouse who a social worker I spoke to thinks is likely ADD.

    My wife goes back and forth from being a reasonable patient person to one who speaks in very mean tone and language to the children and at times will hit them.  

    I reached my bottom a few days ago after she hit our 7 year old daughter on the back.  I'm against any hitting and in this case, it didn't seem to me that my daughter did anything wrong, just a misinterpretation from my wife.

    That's when I called the social worker for advice.  I spoke to my wife and didn't mention ADD, but said she needed help.  She said she wasn't interested - but I think she'll come with me to the social worker within the structure of marriage advice.

    I'm handing around the house during all the trigger times - the morning out to school push, lunch time feeding (my wife is obsessive about table manners and finishing the food), and bed time.  I pitch in or take over when I start to hear that tone in my wife's voice start to change . . . 

    I do want to give up control here, and if it was only me, I'd be hands off, but I'm very concerned for the children.  

    My questions:

    1)  How do I protect the children from my ADD wife without controlling her?

    2)  If she is yelling at them or hitting them, do I intervene?  (She hates it when I do that)

    3) Her emotional affect seems kind of off to me.  Like she is not really there, like she is buried somewhere inside.  Is that typical of ADD?

    Thank you

     

  • Is this normal? by: -_Natalie_- 13 years 4 months ago

    When you and your spouse had any sort of long distance between you for a certain length of time, was it common to go days without hearing one thing from them? Then they finally get in contact with you after those few days and act like nothing is wrong...and then they go more days without contact and so on?

  • Non-ADD partner has lost interest in sex by: Eric 13 years 4 months ago

    I've noted a wide variety of posts on this website expressing frustration with sexual intimacy when one partner has ADD.  Most of these seem to fall into two categories.  1) The ADD spouse is so easily distracted that you can't get them to begin sexual intimacy and/or stay engaged after they begin,  2) The ADD spouse (always male in this situation, as far as I've noticed) is such a novelty junkie that he spends a tremendous amount of time on pornography, leaving his wife sexually frustrated, humiliated, and/or disgusted.

    My situation doesn't fit either of those categories, yet I wonder if ADD plays a role in it nonetheless.  I have ADD, and I've been married for 20+ years.  For the first few years, my wife and I got along fine in the bedroom, and I would have said everything was OK.  After a couple of children, her interest in sex diminished dramatically.  At first I attributed this to the understandable fatigue of our increasingly complicated lives, but several decades have passed since then without things getting better.  I initiate 95% of the sexual activity between us.  She goes along probably 2/3 of the times that I offer, but only rarely seems to be enjoying herself.  I don't hurry her, and pay close attention to giving her what she enjoys.  If it were up to me, we'd make love twice a week, but I feel so hurt and humiliated by decades of refusals and "going through the motions" that I only ask about twice a month.  My wife asks about twice a year, and I think I've said no only 1 or 2 times in the whole marriage, on days when I was really exhausted from work. 

    In all other ways, she's a wonderful, kind, caring wife and mother.

    Yes, I also express affection in non-sexual ways, such as doing favors, offering her compliments, going out to dinner together, buying her flowers, visiting her family, and taking an interest in the events of her day, job, friends, and family.  I'm not perfect, but I'm a reasonably good father.  I've been consistently employed my whole adult life.  Like all ADD males, I can walk past a sink of dirty dishes or a dusty floor without noticing, but if she asks me to clean things I will do so without complaint, although I can't promise a smile.

    I'm not into strange stuff.  I don't use pornography.  I've never cheated on her.  I take "no" for an answer.  I don't smoke or use drugs.  I drink, but not to excess.

    Yes, we've talked about it, over and over again, but while she always says she wants to have a happy and active sexual relationship, that doesn't translate into actual behavior. 

    Does this sound like anybody else's situation, or is this not really related to ADD and I'm mistaken in trying to explain it that way?  Any useful ideas?

     

  • Non ADHD dealing with undiagnosed partner by: broken hearted 13 years 4 months ago

    my partner and i have been together 2 years and though he is undiagnosed, he's open to considering that he has adhd and thinks it likely.  the thing is he's not doing anything about it! moving forward is nearly impossible right now - he seems frozen and unable to deal with it.  in the mean time i'm exhausted from trying to get through day to day... carrying the responsibility of everything and falling into the parent/child roles... i'm at my wits end and don't know what to do.  i don't even feel like i love him anymore i'm so disillusioned with the behaviors and hurt and angry.  i'm desperate - i can't even run my own business (i'm self employed) because i have no energy left to work...

    he was a heavy beer drinker when i met him but has cut back considerably. he self medicates using pot.  he has physical sensitivity issues which makes sex unsatisfying.  he is very self centered and generally manages to shift blame to anyone but himself for issues.  he's defensive, sarcastic, self depreciating, and lacks confidence at some times, full of bravado at others.

    he's also energetic, a joker, active outdoorsman, eats healthy, works hard and tells me he loves me...  but he doesn't demonstrate through action and thoughtfulness that is in fact the case.  i see so much possibility in the life we could have together but at the moment it's not really based in reality.

    i don't know what to do. i've connected with a counselor, and am trying to heal myself from the hurt this is causing.  i can't make him see a counselor - he's called for a referral but thinks the office is just going to call him back.  right now i'm just so angry! we're only 2 years in and i had such great hopes and am now feeling like i'm staring down the possibility of life of hardship and let down. 

    any positive comments about people who've got through or are working on things would be greatly appreciated as would coping strategies? 

Pages