Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • keeping it together: summer travel... by: ellamenno 13 years 4 months ago

    Hi Everybody!!!

    I've been on vacation for a week, staying with relatives... Travel with 2 small children is always chaos - and when you're running out of meds, it's even worse!!!  I tried to get my prescription filled while in another state and even called ahead to make sure they had the generic adderall.  Everything was fine, except I got a call after dropping off the script from the pharmacist saying they wouldn't fill it because my doctor did not sign the prescription.  I don't think he ever does, actually... so... that meant driving an hour and going to costco and hoping they wouldn't notice the missing signature.  Much to my relief, they either didn't notice, or didn't care because I was already in the system.  Whew.

    My relatives know about my 'problem' and some of them share it.  The NT's in the family think it's really funny though.  'Oh, what's the matter?  running out of your brain candy??  Don't worry:  I can just smack you upside the head if you start doing dumb $#!t."  Yes, I know they're kidding, but... I'm so, so, SO f*cking tired of the jokes at this point!!!!!

    BUT - that said, the very guy who made that statement bought me a little voice recorder to help me remember stuff, and I have to say, that $#!t totally works!  Keep it on me all the time and the second i think of something, i make a note. Yay!

    Hope y'all are doing well!

    Ellamenno

  • Chronic Restlessness--Practical Response? by: annieo 13 years 4 months ago

    My husband & I moved 11 times during our first nine years of marriage, living in five cities & even briefly overseas before I finally insisted that we settle somewhere for awhile.  We did--I chose & did all the leg work to purchase a house, which he very reluctantly consented to doing only after I put the full press on him--and for the next seven years, he undertook (but never finished) enough disruptive remodeling projects, neglected to perform pretty much any household tasks, & agitated to move to one house/apartment/city after another until I finally relented & we sold the house & relocated yet again, this time briefly to two different countries, then back to the U.S. so we could live near our extended families for the first time.  Now we're here & he's doing the same thing: agitating, agitating, up all night brooding & pacing, regretting coming here & insisting that we return to the life I loved & that we systematically dismantled & have been struggling to rebuild ever since.  I keep thinking he'll settle in & get over it (especially since he loves & is tremendously successful at his job), but he's kept it up relentlessly for two years.

    Both of us have been feeling at the end of our collective rope, & I'm not sure who was more relieved by his ADD diagnosis, him or me.  We love each other & our partnership, but I am struggling with a practical & wise response to his chronic restlessness.  We've been in this city for two years, & I like it fine, but he is wearing me down with his constant recitation of all the negatives, which I agree do exist--although, of course, negatives have existed everywhere we've lived, which is why we moved again!!  I don't think his dissatisfaction has much to do with circumstances, although he is extremely convincing & convinced that they do, & if he could just find the perfect situation, he would finally be able to rest.  He is also a powerful personality, & honestly, I get tired of the intense pressure.

    I am embarrassed to admit that he had almost convinced me to break our city lease, sell our country cabin, pull our kids out of school, & move back across the country to where we lived before, when I woke up to the realization that this was likely simply more of the same symptoms of a disease we're so accustomed to living with that we have a hard time recognizing.  

    Here are my questions.  First, this restlessness is related to the ADD, right?  I haven't seen references on this site or elsewhere to constant moving as symptomatic of ADD, but it makes sense in regards to everything else I've learned about the disorder.  Maybe it's just that other spouses aren't such suckers as to actually do it so many times!!  Or maybe I just didn't find the relevant thread.  Or maybe I'm just completely confused.  (I'm definitely completely confused...)

    Second, provided that it is, what should be my practical response?  We are both pursuing treatment & knowledge about living with ADD, but of course, change doesn't happen overnight (especially when one partner has trouble following through, sigh).  In the meantime, I am paralyzed with the ambiguity of our futures & the unhappiness of the present, profoundly impacted every day by his constant distress & dogged by exchanges like:

    Me: "The crappy oven at our cabin has burned one too many things I've worked hard to prepare.  I think we should buy a new one.  I've done the research & chosen the one I think we should get."

    Him: "Sounds good....BUT...."

    Me: "What? We have the money, right? And we agreed that this cabin needed some fixing when we bought it?"

    Him: "Yes....BUT...." [tortured look on his face]

    Me: "What is it?"

    Him: "Well, nothing really...It's just that...I don't think we should spend that much money if we're just going to sell this house.  We won't get it back in the down economy."

    Me: "But we aren't going to sell it.  We agreed that we were buying it for the long haul, right?"  [That's why I've gone through all this trouble?!?!]  "And it kind of doesn't matter anyway, because it's just a stove."

    Him: "Yes....BUT....I don't know, I've been thinking & I just can't stand the thought of having this crappy little place in this loser town & I hate the Midwest & you do, too, you didn't want to move here & just talked you into it, & I made a terrible mistake moving here & I can't stand living in such a big city during the week & this is nothing like what I wanted for my life & all I want to do is get out of here &&&&&&&....." [ad nauseum]

    Me: "So what are you saying?  Are you saying I should keep burning everything I try to bake for the next two years while you decide whether we're keeping this place?"

    Him: "No WAY will I be here for two years.  NO WAY."

    Me: "Forget about the stove, just forget it.  Obviously, we have bigger issues to deal with."

    Him: [Relieved.]  "Okay."

    So I quit baking anything & we just eat out more & buy store bought birthday cakes!!!

    I'm making light of this a little bit, but it's very serious: it impacts me tremendously (like other posters, I'm on anti-depressants & desperate for change).  It also impacts our children, particularly the older, whose teacher recently recommended we have him screened for depression.  

    I need some practical advice.  Should I go ahead & buy the stove?  Renew the lease?  Register our son for school?  Tell him to buzz off when he wakes me for the 500th time straight in the middle of the night to talk about how miserable he is here?  Go through the trouble of obtaining licensing to practice my profession in this state, the difficult process of building a personal & professional network while raising two small children?  Hire a nanny?    

    Incidentally, my family thinks the answer to all of these questions is YES.  My friends are all in another state, & think we should move back.  Our kids are traumatized, & wish we'd never moved at all.  I feel trapped between a rock & a hard place.  I just want to get to the bottom of this.

    Help!

  • 20 years and wondering if this is as good as it gets by: momoffourplusone 13 years 4 months ago

    Married 20 yrs to an ADD husband.  We put the symptoms of ADD together shortly after our son was treated for ADD.  I feel like a large part of my personality has been shut down ( the adventurous, fun side) so I can be the responsible one when he spontaneously decides on  a new idea.  He never follows a plan and is always changing family plans by coming up with a new idea of his own.  I feel like I'm always the one to pick up the loose ends. (packing, details, etc.)  After 20 yrs. I want to live with my husband as a partner and not always holding my breath to see what his next adventure will be.  I want to have a little stability in life and not always wondering what I need to handle next.  Does anyone else feel the same way after many yrs. of marriage?

  • when is enough enough? by: tray 13 years 4 months ago

    Hi ! I'm new here and Melissa Orlov's book has really opened my eyes to what is going on in my life.  I had a tough childhood and thought my overly doting husband was my prince charming. Fast forward many years and we now are at the brink of divorce, losing our house, our 3 kids are all coming up with ADHD, speech and language delays, sensory issues, you name it and my husband has just recently started looking into his ADHD after I began filing for divorce and calling CPS.  I cant stand it anymore. I am a professional intelligent woman that feels along, betrayed, resentful, and angry in my life. For the longest time i thought it was me.  His family and friends think I'm the one with the issues- too controlling, nagging, overprotective of the kids (don't get me started). etc.. his behavior has been erratic.  begging me to take him back and then the next day yelling at me that it is my and the kids fault his job is suffering now that he is trying to get his act together and be more attentive to us.  Why am I here? Are there any other people in my situation that actually did get divorced?  I cant take much more....

     

  • Wonderful boyfriend with ADHD who keeps disappearing! Please help me understand this behavior. by: pashanana 13 years 4 months ago

    Hi all. This is my first post, although I've been reading through a lot on this website for the last month. I have been dating a truly wonderful guy for the last 4 months. He told me right away that he has ADD and is working with a behavioral therapist. He seems very sincere about the therapeutic work he's doing. He's 51 and I'm 50. We're both divorced with kids the same age (who adore each other), and we're both busy professionals fairly wrapped up in our careers. I never experienced the hyper-focus dating period as others on here have described - I think we're both too busy for that, and maybe also just cautious due to our divorce experiences. For the first few months we saw each other pretty regularly once a week, and we talked every day, often multiple contacts a day through texting and email... we grew close and comfortable with each other, and I think really very happy. But about a month ago two important projects of his at work began to place more demands on him, and he began to feel tremendous pressure as a result. He became afraid and nervous that he wouldn't be able to succeed in these projects. He feared for his future. I have been working very hard to put my needs on the back burner during this period, and to be supportive. A month is truly nothing in the larger scheme of things. But for the past few weeks he has almost entirely shut me out. We saw a movie together two weeks ago and spent an hour talking and at the end of that I felt sure of his feelings for me, and understood that he was truly needing space to do his work. But he hasn't replied to a single phone call, email, or text since then, even when my car broke down, even when I wrote that I understood how busy he was and how much I wished to support him - but that I needed him to simply reply with a quick xo, even when I just asked him how he was doing and was he ok? When I saw him two weeks ago it was after a week of silence like this, and I told him that I thought his silence meant he didn't like me anymore. He was VERY surprised that I thought that and told me he thinks about me all the time.

    What does this behavior mean and how do you suggest I deal with it? I want to support his work but our relationship is so new I fear he is gone when he's so silent. I'm just not sure if I should keep my distance like I've been doing, or if I should get more vocal or if I should just accept this as lack of continued interest and let him go. It seems to me that in his life the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I am just not the squeaky wheel type and I really very much want for him to feel acceptance and support from me while also honoring myself. I want to give him space to do his work, but I also want him to communicate with me to some degree!

    Please help! thank you so much!

  • So frustrated by: Pjloops 13 years 4 months ago
    I have been married for 14 years to adhd spouse. I am at my wits end... I am tired. So tired of being barked at, not listened to, and expected to be the one that "understands" and lets it go. We have two beautiful children and we are fighting more and more infront of them. Ugh, i cant seem to let it go. I am sick of the immaturity, the not hearing anything, and just childish thinking or behavior. He is 47, we went on vacation last week and he couldnt even pull himself together to make our trip non confrontational. Hes mad and i am mad. He wants physical attention from me and i want nothing that means i will have to touch him. How have other coped? Is this a losing battle. Am i going to be with someone who will be immature forever?
  • New here and need advice by: whirlsprite 13 years 4 months ago

    I don't know if there is deeper trouble in my marriage or if there's something I'm not seeing because of my ADD. I'm a wife and stay at home mom to a 3.5 year old son, take Adderall daily for several years, have many of the usual issues: high intelligence coupled with low achievement, trying really hard yet not always managing. I developed a number of coping skills beginning in childhood that allow me to be quite competent, and I've worked hard at managing my emotions, although I've never been the dramatic type. I used to give in much more often to impulsive behavior, meds and motherhood have really helped with that, as well as maturity. Overall, I think I'm okay most of the time, but could do better. I'm working on it though so I usually feel okay.

    Not feeling okay about my marriage though! After reading some of the forums on here I see that I am a rarity in that I take care of everything for our house and family. My husband is a very involved and loving father who does the majority of the childcare when he's home so that's not a problem at all, and he does sometimes help out with cooking and dishes. I have no problem with being the primary housekeeper as I'm the one at home all day and I have higher standards anyway! The problem is that my husband feels like having another child. To me, it seems like he doesn't care about any of the "adult" things. I take care of all bill paying, account managing (retirement, etc.), insurances, taxes, have to make a will yet and get other things set up for our son, dealing with realtor (selling old home) and banks (looking to buy soon in new community, or at least I am!), and the list goes on and on. It's not so much that I make calls or fill out paperwork, it's that I have NO input from him. He's living as if he were a teenager in his parents' home. I know I enable him by doing all this, but with my son's welfare at stake I will get it done. My son isn't suffering, but our marriage is.

    My husband knows I have ADD, I've told him how hard these things are for me, I've brought him books to read, suggested sites to view (to my knowledge he read a couple chapters of one book). I've asked that he check up on me to make sure things are done and initiate tasks, especially ones that involve partners like making a will and getting a trust set up for our son. I've asked that he literally give me assignments to help me manage my time better! I feel as though I am shortchanging everyone because I don't have enough time to get everything done. There's lots of things I want to do with my life, but I can't get to because I feel such immense pressure. My husband has an excellent, very responsible job. I just can't believe he could be like this at work and still have a job so I don't know what to think. He makes an excellent salary as well, with full benefits, so it's not as if the lack of money is causing him to avoid these family business issues. Do other wives handle all these things without a problem and I have such a hard time because I haven't fully dealt with my ADD?

    I think I sound whiny and ungrateful, but I feel alone and sad without a partner. I don't expect him to solve my ADD problems, but am I asking the wrong thing or too much?

  • Is it just me? by: Myles1677 13 years 4 months ago

    I am new to this forum.  I am a 34 year old mother of 3 and I think I have ADD.  I remember as a child getting "tested" because of some of the things I did accademically in school.  I also know that growing up I had some problems understanding social cues and in college I needed to go to each professor after I was given an assignment to make sure I understood what was being asked of me (I did this after I completed one to many assignments wrong).  I was able to make accommodation for all of my "issues" until I started to have to take care of my kids.  Don't get me wrong I love being a mom and have a wonderful husband and family however I often feel like a hampster running on a wheel.  My mind is always busy but my hands just don't seem to get things done.  I want to organize and live by a schedule but no matter how hard I try it just dose not happen!  I feel like if this is what is "wrong" if this is the missing pice and it can be fixed I will be able to live a "real" life! 

  • *sigh* by: xois 13 years 4 months ago

    I am at my wits end.  I have been reading melissa's blog for 2 days now...things are so clear to me

    1/2 our roof needs replacing...becuase of damage and the insurance will cover it...he wants to replace the other half, but we have no financial head space to do it...I am currently in charge and he knows the state of our finances.

    DH: it will help us sell in 3 years

    me: sure, but since we have more time then money at the moment, we can wait and replac e it later should we choose to.  Right now, we need to be safe with the money and make sure we have the ability to combat an emgergency (like a bad boiler).  We are a lot more stressed too, when money is super tight, so I think the new roof is a want not a need and we should not do this now

    DH: just answer the question...will it help us sell in 3 years

    me: yes, but since we have a long time horizon, we do not need to do it right now, and I thinkw e should be more consertative.

    Dh: I just wante dto raise th eidea of a new roof and we were unable to do that

    *signs out of chat session*

    Back before I understood that ADD makes people impuslive with spending, I would have said "yeah ok...whatever"

    but now that I see th emoney, I know we cannot really do this now..but to him, this is a catastrophic communication failure.  I have been giving myself a lot of space to forgive him for all the past issues, reading this site and peoples responses, but not feeling like I can talk to him yet about all this...

    and today, I get sucked into the maelstrom and AGAIN our failure to communicate is my fault.  Now, I don't want to go home. 

  • Insight by: AnnaCunningham 13 years 4 months ago

    I am married to a man with ADHD, he has had his diagnosis for 3 years and is on meds. We also have a 6 year old son with ADHD, also on meds. I have just read the book ADHD and marriage, experienced a lot of "moment of clarity" these past few weeks while reading. Not just about my husband but also how my own behavior has contributed to where we are today. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster, constant ups and downs, doing better when I chose to ignore him and kind of doing my own thing, taking care and providing for our kids etc. I understand, that in order to make a change, we both need insight in how both of our behavior and responses to one another affects our daily life and ultimately our marriage. But we both need that insight, I think I have insight and have had for a long time. But my husband JUST screamed at me that the fact that he is rude, say mean things to me and treats me demeaning in private but also in front of our friends, is because I am saying stupid s**t the whole time. I want to work on our marriage but I don't see how I can get anywhere when everything is always MY fault and he lacks insight in how his own behavior/responses is affecting our relationship. Any input on how to gain insight and self-reflection in order to move forward towards change?

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