Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Confronted my wife (non-ADHD partner) about her infidelity... by: Arkyn 13 years 3 months ago

    I had know about it, in a manner of speaking, for not that long...and only suspected for about 5 months, and so finally worked up the nerve to confront her, as I felt that she might just up and leave. 

    But I did confront her, last night; I soft-pedaled, and didn't lose my temper.  I'm paraphrasing, but I said that there were a number of events that I had noticed over the last few months, and I'd gotten very concerned, and looked into a few things, and I wanted the truth - when did her emotional affair with him turn physical? And she stumbled a bit, said she's suspected that I was reading her emails, and then admitted it.

    (Please keep in mind that they have known each other as actual friends for years, that I'd never been jealous of him before, and that he lives far enough away that the don't see each other more than once or twice a year.)

    But here's what's got me - no apology. Instead, what I get is a 'I should be able to have sex with my friends' and a 'I'm sorry you found out' and a 'I felt so disconnected to you that your feelings didn't matter'.

    Wow. Not a nasty discussion, not a heated discussion, but pretty bad, I think.

    I had really just one follow up question - because we know we're having trouble, and one of the things we've lost over the years is that deep emotional connection, and we both have said that we want that back. So I say to her: I want to have that deep emotional connection with you, because I still love you, but I need to know: do you want to have that deep emotional connection with me?

    I get two responses: "I don't know" and "I don't think it can come back"


    This sounds like it's over, right? I shouldn't pretend?

    PS - we have 2 girls, ages 8 & 12

    PPS - yes, I do have ADHD, it's pretty mild (20 mg/adderall/daily) and I'm seeing a psych about it, and taking responsibility, but I know that there's a lot of hurt in the past.  We've been married 17 years, both 41.

     

  • New here by: Bender 13 years 3 months ago

    Hi everyone,

    I am 37, partner to someone who I think has ADD, and mom to 2 great kids.

    I think he has ADD because he shows all the signs of it, even jokes about it sometimes, but never has gotten it checked out.  Going to a doctor isn't on his radar, unless it's to the ER for something and even then...

    One of my biggest complaints is that we are not married.  He lied to me about being divorced, when in fact he didn't ever get that divorce done.  Five years into the relationship, he finally said he hadn't done it because he wasn't sure how to do it without me finding out, so rather than being honest in the first place, he let me think for five years I wasn't good enough for him (my issues, I know).  When I found out, I did an online search and there are people who will do all the legwork for you (his wife is in another province) - the first search result in fact - so I guess it just wasn't on his list and he avoided it.  Two years later, it's still not done and if I bring it up, it's my fault because it costs money that 'we don't have' - yet he'll get other things that over the years have costed 10 times the amount it would have taken. 

    The day to day things I deal with, but at the same time, get so annoyed with.  He does not help with household things much at all - he'll 'clean' by grabbing piles of things and throwing them out without looking through them, meaning important things (to me) have gone into the garbage many times.  He'll gather up the dog/cat hair on the stairs into a ball, but then leaves it on the counter or on a dirty plate.  He'll offer to do something, like take a box downstairs, then trip over it for WEEKS until I take it myself.  I'd be thrilled if he did it within days, but never happens.  When he comes in the door, his stuff gets dropped everywhere, then in the morning he's swearing and stomping around because he can't find his shoes, keys, papers he needed, you name it.  At least once or twice a week! 

    He also likes to just do half of things, and have me do the other half.  Drives me insane, because if I have to do half of something, I may as well do the whole thing and it's done.  He'll say 'if you get all the garbages from the house, bag them and put them on the deck, I'll take them to the truck - but really by the time I've done all that, walking 20 feet to the truck is not a big deal and then it's done.  If he takes the garbage out all by himself, he won't put the bags back into the cans, or return the cans to where they belong - I end up coming behind him and putting the bags in and then returning the cans to each room, so they're not in the front room.

    He also forgets what he's said or what I've said.  He's very money focused and always says 'we' for things that aren't really us, it's him.  I don't have much say in what we do money wise, because he won't give up that control (because he knows I'll say 'no' to his impulse buys).

    I've brought it up and he will admit he likely has ADD but won't go get checked out or get help.  It's no longer cute and charming though and I'm tired of it.

    At this point I don't know what to do.  I don't want to break up my family, partly because he's not a bad person most of the time, and partly because I'd be scared to leave him with the kids alone for too long - that's another post.  But the resentment and hurt are still there - do I really stay with someone who can't see me worth the $500 or less he'd have to save up to actually get a divorce, who barely listens most of the time?  As it is I'm starting a separate bank account so I have emergency money and some say in my own business (instead of the money going into the joint account where it's gone), and not going to tell him about it, which is just horrible.

    Lana

  • Husband recently diagnosed with ADHD...going well till now. by: needsalifeline 13 years 3 months ago

    Hi everyone!  I have to say I feel incredibly lucky to have found this site, its like someone has been sitting in my house for the last 4 years taking notes!!  A little background about us, my husband and I have been together 5 years (4 kids between the two of us but none together) and married for 3....the first year was great and it only went downhill from there.  He really did become a different person and nothing I said could make him see that...he was angry, hostile and always ready for a fight.  Mix that with addictions, cheating (the most recent was in June of this year) and him deciding he really wasn't "in love" with me and didn't want to be married has made the last 3 years the hardest to take (although he has never left).  But through it all, I have been the optimist that kept it all together, picking up the slack and desperately trying to "save" my marriage.  I have a knack for seeing the positive in everything, so usually I am able to "talk him off the ledge" so to speak when it comes to our marriage.  This included two rather ineffective tries at marriage counseling, he refuses to ever go back with me. 

    Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, his regular doctor diagnosed him with ADHD and he started taking the medication in addition to his depression meds and its been such a welcome change!!!  Nothing perfect, but he actually apologized when he blew up over a couple really minor things ( a BIG step for him to admit being wrong).  He's been more willing to discuss issues and to just hang out with me and have fun.  We have even been able to discuss the ADHD and how it has affected us and what to do now that we know about it.  I read him some of the posts from here and talked with him about the research I had done after we got his diagnosis.  He has been seeing a counselor at the college he attends (completely on his own I didn't even know till he had went for a month) and that also seems to be going well, he doesn't tell me what they discuss and I don't ask.  I'm hoping eventually he will be able to open up (all he will say is he is working on his relationships) and let me in, but I know hes not ready now.  So I know I probably shouldn't be complaining, but last night has me completely confused!!!!

    Last night before we went to bed I asked him if after having a few days to think about the ADHD, how it was affecting us (the discussion we had a few days earlier) and meeting with his counselor, was he still willing to work on the relationship.  He told me he was and that he wouldn't be taking the meds or seeing the counselor if he wasn't.  I then told him that I was just as willing to work on it too and change the things I needed to and that I was going to schedule an appointment with a counselor in town that specializes in ADHD and marriage.  That's when he flipped out......he started yelling that I'm always thinking we need a therapist (I admit the previous attempts at marriage counseling were horrible and didn't work, but it was the only way I knew to try and get him to see how horrible he had become) and that we can get through this by reading the books and me doing the research and we can fix it ourselves.  He went on to tell me its too expensive for me to go (we do have insurance) and that he goes because its offered free and when he stops going to school then he wont go either.  He told me that here is nothing wrong with me and that I don't need to go.  I couldn't get him to understand that both of us need help to change the patterns that we have set and especially me because I need to change how I relate to him and to get rid of the anger that I didn't even realize I had till I started reading these boards.  I never said a word about both of us going to see the marriage counselor, although I would be very happy if one day he did go with me.  He's totally against me going and I cant figure out why.....any ideas out there???

    So I'm very sorry about the book I wrote here, any advice or ideas would be very welcome!

     

  • So done, so sad.....Need some words of wisdom/encouragement by: gratitudeiskey 13 years 3 months ago
    I haven’t posted to this site in a very long time. I am the non-adhd spouse in my marriage. I The long and short of it is that I married a person, who at the time and unbeknownst to me, was hyper focusing on me. I thought that I was joining my life to a man who was engaging and funny and thought that the moon and sun rose and set on me. This was very appealing to me because I am co-dependent and insecure. The constant attention, reassurance and emotional overload was JUST what I’d always dreamed of. As a co-dependent I look for love and approval outside myself and he fit the bill to the “t”. Honeymoon over, got prego on the honeymoon, had beautiful daughter and went on about life. About 3 months after we married, when I told him I was pregnant all bets were off and the ADHD moved in to stay and was in charge of our life. I realized what was up when I found some old papers of his, grammer school stuff detailing his ADHD diagnosis and such. Nothing was ever done for him and I feel horrible about that. Lets zoom forward to the spring of 2009. What I really married was a person who is indeed funny but inappropiately so, an attention seeker, emotionally unavailable, a computer addict, constantly needing outside stimulation, childlike, irresponsible, etc. In April of 2009 I was done. I was not settling for a relationship where I was not valued, where I was ignored, undersexed, treated as optional, made to act like a single parent…all while he was ENGROSSED in video gaming and puttering in his workshop. He has always held a job, thank goodness. Has a wonderful work ethic. I told him that I was emotionally detaching from him, that we would live under the same roof as long as it was healthy and we would share living expenses but I was no longer his “wife” by definition and I could not love someone who gave me so little in return..it simply hurt too badly and I was worth more than that. He sank into depression, talked about ending life and became enraged one night and I took DD and we left to my mom’s. I stayed there for 3 months. I listened to DD cry herself to sleep every single night and beg to go back home and finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I HAD to go back and make it work. She should not pay for me being unable to cope. She didn’t pick this man, I did. To her, life at home was awesome. We live in a very low conflict marriage and apart from the dysfunction of very little contact, she saw two very engaged people, felt loved and all was well. By the time I had gone back, he was in a full on affair. I stayed the course, he eneded the affair and we got back to the way things were. He got on meds, we also started seeing an ADHD coach. It’s now two years later and I’m again back to that place I was in 2009. We have no intimate or sex life to speak of. Our lives are geared around his wants, needs, projects, time, space needed, money needed….you name it. Without knowing it, I’ve slipped back into the old habits. I’ve become focused on his needs to the exclusion of my own. I have done 12 step work in the past and I’ve gotten away from it. There is a voice in my head that is saying “You are worth so much more than this”. It gets stronger each day. But then I think of my child crying and I indulge in my eating addiction to shut that strong girl up…and I stuff all my feelings back, tell myself that I’m not being understanding enough and I’m right back at square 1. 5 lbs heavier, desperately lonely, enraged, bitter, angry….sad enough to cry. And then I hear the voice again ‘You are worth so much more than this”…and the cycle continues. God I wish that I could just know in my heart of heart that, if I left, my daughter would be ok. Oh how I wish that I had a crystal ball. She is the only reason I stay. I have a good enough job, have no issue with needing to stay in my home or anything. Yes, it would be a struggle but I know I’d be ok. It purly for my daughter and my need to keep her in “one world”. I did a phone coaching session with our ADHD coach yesterday alone and she said that the choices I have to make are clear and very black and white. Go or stay…that’s it. I just kept saying “I just wish he were different”. Maybe I can find a way to stay and emotionally detach and live my own life without being entangled in his or effected by his lack of intimacy towards me. UGH….this is just a mess. Please, somebody tell me something…anything. Have any of you stayed because of the kids and then finally left and realized you should’ve done it years ago? As I said, this is LOW/NO conflict. She never sees us yell, argue, etc. She lives a very safe, happy life. But I also think she’s learning dynamics that I learned from watching my parents. That can’t be healthy, right? Oh God, please make this all go away. I want to know what it’s like to be irresponsible for one day. To not have the whole burden. To just live my life without the weight of the world on me. I want to be free.
  • After Hyper-Focus… New and seeking advice. by: Fuzzy-too 13 years 4 months ago

    I have read through these posts looking for insight and hope. Perhaps some of the articulate and compassionate people here might be able to help me.

    How to distill this into something less than a novel? I am a non-ADD man in love with an ADD woman in her early 20’s. She was diagnosed some time ago and has had treatment, though currently is taking no medication.

    The relationship is a long-distance one. We met in her country and immediately fell in love. I mean at first sight. The period of ‘hyper focus’ lasted 8 months and was classic. We were inseparable, though separated, and the few weeks we spent in each others’ company were idyllic. She is extraordinarily bright, talented, principled, loving and sensual. She is the love of my life and I hers. We share so many things. She wanted only for us to be together at last and her dearest wish was to ‘come home’ to me.

    Until the actual day came: she changed her mind. She realized she was making a mistake and couldn’t face leaving her home, friends and family. And furthermore she wants and needs to go back to school (she has twice in the past started courses at university but lost interest…) We talked at length, and over several conversations agreed that a long-distance relationship while she studies is the best thing not only for her but for us – for our relationship – because for her to come ‘home’ before finishing her degree would lead to her being dissatisfied. OK – I can handle that…

    I think however that all these sensible plans for the future are masking the real problem: the end of hyper focus. Now she is focusing on other things – moving out of her (very difficult) parents’ house and setting up a flat at university and working to earn money for school. It’s a lot to deal with, both physically and emotionally. I understand that.

    But in the four weeks since that moment we have hardly spoken. I have several times offered to make a graceful exit but she has chastised me; she is in love with me and she still wants me in her life. I support her in everything she is doing and am happy to make sacrifices but in the meantime she has withdrawn from me almost completely – frozen me out of her life. She knows very well what she is doing and that she is hurting me dreadfully and has said so. She is sorry – but it is what it is…

    I text her now and then but she ignores me. Every few days she will send a message, usually unrelated to any of mine, in which she betrays no warmth of any kind. It’s like hearing from a facebook friend or as others have described it – the ‘ghost’ of the girl I love. It’s very hard. I naturally have all the usual fears but no grounds for any of them.

    So – question, I suppose mainly for any kind ADD women who might read this: how to handle her? How not to say the wrong thing and upset her? To send her a letter in her new home, flowers – is this ‘pressure’ which will be unkindly received? I am so scared of losing her – of losing this wonderful, clever, magical girl who is my everything. I would so much appreciate any response.

  • How do non-ADHD spouses let go of the anger and resentment? by: willow1234 13 years 4 months ago
    I've been with my husband for 16 years. He was diagnosed about 10 years ago with varying amounts of counseling and medications over the years. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs. We have 2 kids which has added to the stress and responsibilities that have to be navigated. I get very hurt and angry when something happens or doesn't happen that is related to his ADHD. For a long time I didn't say much and just thought it was my job to be a good wife and be understanding. Then a therapist said I needed to tell him right when something happened since he couldn't remember details if we discussed it later. But with his anxiety he either shuts down or just simply holds his ground without being able to hear my side. He says it's because I'm so angry that he doesn't feel like he can discuss it. But I am so hurt that I can't calmly say what is bothering me without the emotion coming across. Any negative vibe makes him feel attacked even if I dont yell. But if I wait and say it later, he can't remember why he did it or participate in talking through it to a conclusion. So I'm feeling crazy and don't know what to do. Conflicts don't lead to any apology from either of us or agreement for how to handle the situation differently in the future so we have the same arguement over and over. I'm not comfortable with his defense being either a) I'm being unreasonable because I'm trying to change him and can't accept him for who he is or b) he didn't intend to hurt me so I shouldn't be upset and basically I need to get over it. How do I constructively state my issue in a way that helps him understand where I am coming from and discuss if there is a way to do it differently in the future that works for both of us? This parent-child dynamic is destructive and I feel stuck.
  • Feeling helpless and desperate.... by: OneMoreChance 13 years 4 months ago

    Hello everyone,

    I have been reading on this site on and off for about a year or so now.  I have never been one to post on any forums but now I am in desperate need of help and some kind of encouragement from people who are experienced.  I did recently purchase Melissa's book and have also gotten Dr. Hallowell's book, Driven from Distraction though I'm not done reading either yet.

    I guess I'll try to explain my situation and see what you all think.  I know my wife has read this blog and forums on occasion so I suppose if she sees this she'll probably figure out that it's me.  Hi Honey.  I love you.

    Anyways, we have been married for 7 years.  Most of which I think we both could agree were wonderful.  After our daughter was about 3 years old I started seeing some things in her behavior that were concerning.  These behavioral issues were really familiar to me and I started to see many of my own issues in her.  The older she got, the more apparent it became.  After doing some research it wasn't long before I realized that it could be ADHD.  It also explained much of why i struggled so much as a child with making friends and fitting in.  But the attention span and hyperactivity really drove it home for me.  I have always had difficulty with my attention (reading, homework, listening) and i was always very hyper as a child and still can be as an adult at times.  But to summarize, I got tested and it was confirmed that I had ADHD a few years back.  About a year later, my daughter was also diagnosed as well.  

    By then, I was really starting to beat myself up about it and felt horrible about this curse that i had passed onto my daughter.  Around the same time as this came to light, my son was born.  With that, we had also just purchased a house, were already getting over our head in credit card debt from my impulsive spending habits, and my daughters behavior was starting to become difficult to handle.  Add to that many sleepless nights and exhaustion from my son waking during the night.  The stress levels were really beginning to mount and would only grow from there.  I had also started taking Adderall at this time and it was really helping me (mostly at work though), however when it wore off I had mood swings and was really tired.  I tried getting my Family Doctor to give me something for the evenings but i got nowhere with that.  And I should also mention that i was taking anti-anxiety meds for the past 10 years at fairly low dose for tension headaches and mild anxiety.

    During all of this, my wife and I also began fighting more and more.  Mostly about stupid things that I could not let go.  I was defensive about everything and had to win every argument.  I would raise my voice and many times yell in front of the kids.  My poor wife had asked me time and time again not to do this but I could not get control.  The stresses of our finances, problems with our daughter's behavior, grudges against my in-laws, constant bickering, lack of sleep and motivation to do chores were all mounting up.  I believe all of this contributed to my downward spiral but my ADHD was at the root of it I think.  

    My dear wife tried many many times for a couple of years to get my attention and get me to snap out of it, but i only got worse.  The anger, frustration, and stress continued to grow between us and we both gradually become different.  I lost sight of what was really important and became jaded with everything.  My horrible spending habits continued to rack up debt.  I began to alienate my in-laws more and more.  Our sex life began to dwindle as well as the affection.  She tried so hard to pull me back up and open my eyes.  I did not see the pain i was causing her and I said many hurtful things that I would later come to regret and she would not forget.  

    Eventually, I started to see the writing on the wall and began the process to try and turn things around.  I found a good therapist and have been going once a week.  I dumped the family doctor in favor of a psychiatrist who increased my meds to the proper dosages.  I started reading more and more to try and learn how to fix myself in hopes that I could become a better person, father, and husband.  Unfortunately though, it was too late.  Our home is close to being foreclosed on and my wife has now separated from me.  We are sharing time with the kids and still talk every day.  We still love each other very much and we both would like for things to work out.

    It's been about 6 weeks since we separated and I have been on a mission to turn my life around.  Every chance I get, I try to do good by my wife and others.  I am happy as a school child every chance I get to see her and hug her.  A soft peck on the lips feels so wonderful yet hurts so bad at the same time because it is time to leave and go back to my house.  My attempts at affection beyond that are no longer solicited though.  She has closed herself off to me to a certain extent.  She has built a defensive perimeter around her heart and will not let me back in.  Although she acknowledges all of the good things she sees me doing now, she still reminds me that she wanted this to happen when she was trying to get my attention for the past several years.  Is it too late?  She does not have any answers for me as to if or when she can let me back in her heart.  It hurts so bad that I let her down and I hate myself for letting things get to this point.

    I never again want to be that asshole that I have been.  Nothing will stop me from becoming the best man I can be for myself and my family.  People change for the worse sometimes, but there is no reason why someone can't change back or do better than ever before.  I refuse to let my ADHD and anxiety screw up my life anymore.  Anything it takes...

    But, sadly my poor wife is an unknown at this point.  Too much hurt may have caused irreparable damage now.  She said she hopes that she can one day open herself up to me again and give this marriage another shot, but she is not sure.  She's not ready to call it quits completely but to me it's not looking very promising. Then again, I am VERY impatient.  Right now, all she wants from me is time and space to try and heal.  I'm struggling to not push her or pursue too much but it's so hard.  I can't just let go.  I'm scared and anxious.  I can't imagine my life without her now.  I love her so much and have sworn to never again become that person who caused all this.  There is nothing I can do now but let her come back to me if and when she is ready.  Being the impatient problem solver that I am makes this so much harder.  I just want to fix it but I can't.

    So that's it in a nutshell.  I've probably got a lot of the timeline of events mixed up and left out some important things (thanks ADHD!) but hopefully that will do.  I know this is already a lot to read so if you are still with me, thank you!

    My questions to you all, and hopefully Melissa and George if you read this:

    Does anyone have any success stories they could share where you have brought your marriage back from the dead (even divorce or separation)?  If so, were you feeling as hopeless as I?  What did you do to turn the tides? 

    What about those non-ADHD spouses out there that have been able to accept your partner back into your heart after being on the brink?  Any words of encouragement?

    My wife is not open to marriage counseling or going to therapy for herself either.  She also may have slight PTSD from a traumatic experience that happened to her a long time before we ever met.  She has told me that this traumatic experience is at some level affecting her ability to trust me again with her heart.  Though, it is in no way related to me or anything that I have ever done.

    I am planning to highlight passages in Melissa's book for her to read that I think she may benefit from if i can get her to do so.  

    So to wrap things up, if anyone has any encouraging words, tips, or wisdom to share, I would be very grateful.  Thanks for reading!

    Sincerely,
    OneMoreChance

  • To Stay or To Leave, this is my question. by: fedupwife 13 years 4 months ago

    To Stay or To Leave, this is my question.  I have separated from my husband of 9 years for a month. I have been suspecting he has ADHD.  Two therapists he saw commented about it, but no formal diagnosis was done.  I was badly hurt (emotionally) by his sudden erupted anger.  He kicked me out of the car several times on the freeway. He kicked me out of the house many times.  He made me feel that I don't belong to anyone or anywhere.  I don't have a "Home".  The house we lived in was not my home because I could be asked to leave any time.  There were so many fights and verbal abuses.  We both hurt, and we are angry.  My anger and resentment have been built up to the point I know I need to do something.  I don't think I can move on with my life and come up with a rational answer to my question without "letting go", "putting behind", "forgiving and forgetting" these negative emotions.

    Recently I was suggested to try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy to distress these disturbing memories.  Has anyone heard of it or tried it?  Please share your experience.

     

  • What questions help find a good ADHD couples therapist? by: willow1234 13 years 4 months ago

    What questions are helpful in finding a couples therapist who really understands the dynamics of ADHD in a marriage? I wish more therapists/LCSW had websites sharing their philosophy. How do they effectively balance what works for both partners? The last one we went to let sessions just go on without any suggestions on how to communicate better and there wasn't any follow up at the next session if we ran out of time.

  • Help! New relationship w/ ADHD partner in crisis by: onthefence87 13 years 4 months ago

    i am in a 6 month relationship with a man whom i love very much. he was up front early on about his adhd and he also takes medication. the first few months of our relationship were stunning; the emotional capacity he awoke in me was out of this world, the emotional/physical bond one of the most beautiful i've ever experienced. i feel deeply in love with him. he was attentive to my child, brought his child into our shared times, helped with housework, asked if i needed anything when he was out, showed consideration and kindness, woke early to make us breakfast in bed, held my face in my hands and told me many times through out the day he loved me. he shared his heart, his feelings, positive and his fears with me. he responded to my feelings and fear. i knew this was real, he was real and i loved him whole. those first few months i noticed nothing of adhd behavior. then the first week arrived where he didnt touch me. 5 days went by, then the next week, 7. he began to share less and even to speak/connect less to me. i began feeling as if id done something wrong, if maybe he had met another person. when i asked him..tenderly, gently, how we could go from 5 times a week to a week without, he said "'im a camel- i can just go without. and im not some machine, i need to feel emotionally connected to you." yes, but you aren't spending time with me or even speaking to me so your not allowing the conditions of emotional closeness you once created with me. i found myself 'waiting'--waiting up for him to come to bed to see if i could rekindle him. i found myself on deck, waiting to keep my time open to him showing up to connect.  i began to feel diminshed and like wall paper. and i began to find myself trying to look sexier and doing things to try to get that shine from him again. o how i miss that shine~     does the hyperfocus EVER come back to us the way he gave it at the start? are there ways to counter balance its disappearance? limit seeing him so he misses/value me?

    at the 3 month time, he maintained another place to stay but spent 5 nites a week with me at my house and our weekends were spent together with his child and my child, doing things as a family and also independantly. as the weeks arrived with no touch, so did the weekends where my child and i would be left to wait to be included in his plans with his child but would not be. it was as simple and avoidable as he and his child would play video games too violent for my child to watch so we would go on a walk. just to have them show up a half hour later at the park as we were leaving it. i would offer to walk with them but my partner would non chalantly say he was gojng to a location and didnt want to make us walk there since we'd just come from there. i would feel hurt, like he was intentionally avoiding us. Wee went from driving his child an hour back to his mom's and going all 4 of us together in the car, feeling close and warm, having fun and laughing to him asking to use the car for these trips alone. by our fourth month, we went from intense, beautiful togetherness, checking in, and unified connection to dissconnect, seperation and independence--with me stockpiking hurt upon hurt over insensitive things said and the complete lack of emotional sharing. we went from 5-6 times a week of gorgeous physicality to a week passing, then 10 days passing with nothing. an hour used to be spent kissing and touching and even that became reduced to the bare nessecary time. i began to feel so depressed. where did the love of my life go? attempts--gentle, respectful--were met with arms crossing, screwed up faces, furrowed forehead, walking out of the room, storming out of the house, not speaking to me all day...he wold hold out so long with his anger than i would soften and found myself treating him with kidd gloves were he just to return and hold me so i could get relief from the tension that was now in my home--which is the place where i work. so where he gets to storm out the door, i am left to pick up the emotional pieces and calm myself--alone. . there were times i would cry and he would get angry and simply say the cruelest things. he began to spend less time with my child and they, being under 6, could not understand why. sometimes they would cry from missing him..sometimes he would come home and simply go into another room to continue working, leaving me to try to explain to my child he would spend time with them another day [and honestly not even knowing that he would]. if i tried to explain how a 5 year old needs his attention, he would just get upset and say that by being here 5 nites a week he was in fact 'seeing' my child more than he sees his own. there would be periods of renewed bliss and these shots in the arm would remind me of the man he was when we met. they also would be floods to the barren emotional landscape in which he had left me. i would feel in the rosy glow of that time, these kinks would work themselves out.

    at month 6, he moved in. it has been 23 days. the first five days all was calm, we love spending time together, slept well each nite, nothing too dramatic. then his child came for 9 days. he gave his child the room on the first floor and not once, in the nine days he was here did my guy come into our bedroom on the second floor at nite to sleep. his normal pattern is to stay up with his child until they fall asleep togethter, then when he wakes in the middle of the nite, to come to our bed. in those nine days, i found myself waiting, i felt like id become a roomate, i felt rejected, ugly, unwanted. my child was here also and only one time in those nine days did all of us do something. another weekend passed, no plans. no time with him friday nite, sat day or nite, partly due to working, partly due to him just not making plans with us--or making a plan for a few days later and completely forgetting it.  thinner and thinner and thinner. never addressing the seperation or the tension building in my home, where i pay for the overhead. i tried to contain my feelings while his child was there but i couldnt help but close down from the rejections. he would offer me hugs when he saw me, but these seemed so hollow in the face of the grave pain of his actions. i felt angry but knew from how he's trained me, that any expression of hurt or upset would just cause him to have an uproarous angry outburst and prob walk out the door, then ignore me until i made it calm for him. he would then justify his actions by saying i'd attacked him or hurt him. 

    after nine days, his child returned home. two days later he announced he was going to help his friend recover from a surgery. he was gone out of state for 4 nites. he had a huge fight with me before he left. explained that the reason he never came into our bed for nine nites was because 'there was housework to do' when he got home--the house was gross, there are standards he maintains for his child that he must see are met. terribly hurtful: my house is clean, i am working and busy and basically raising a child alone, he works but is not paying rent, he has weekend visits with his child because i have a nice house and he didnt have a place he could bring his child to.  he uses my car to pick up and drop off his child and the fridge and cupboards are always stocked with food i buy. these are all things i offer with heart and never ask for anything in return, and yet here he was--in the face of my hurt from rejection--blaming me for ignoring me and citing it was because my house was gross. While away for his four days, he apologized for his harsh words and said he couldnt wait to get back to my arms. The first day he was back, i had my child stay with an overnight sitter so we could have a nite to reconnect. i wanted to hear what he had to say, i wanted to feel his love and warmth and put the whole thing behind us. He worked late, stayed in the bath until 1:30 am and said he just wished i'd want to hold him and not want sex from him--he was exhausted! he had no feelings to share, nothing to say from the major bad feelings that had been building up for the past two weeks--or the month[s] prior.  he said the most alarming thing to me hat nite: he said: i feel that you have these physical needs, these needs that the more i feel them, the more i dont want to give. if you need to get them met by someone else, i understand."  again, floored. i explained that i didnt have any more needs than the ones he created with me in the start of our relationship. that i was undemanding to him and was simply looking to him to be the loving, physical guy he was to me. the next night, instead of coming home, he went out with friends until 2am. i was floored. all this point, he'd been with his child 9 nites, been with his friend 4 nites and spent one nite sleeping like a rock while i combed over how he could tell me to be with someone else!! it seems like he gets cruel, offers a nugget of apology to feel he has me again then never does a thing to clean up the mess. we had one good nite this week where he came in the door, was excited to see me and loved my body the way he used to.

    the next nite was back to square one. he was saying that he was concerned about coming up with rent for the month [which had not been paid yet] and also saving up for his own place. i told him if he wanted to he could not pay rent, put all of his resources to his own place and i would simply rent out the room. he whipped himself up into a frenzy, told me i was destabalizing him, he was moving out, didnt even know if he wanted to see me again. he has spent the last two nites downstairs in the spare room. i have been trying to stay centered, and grasp that man i met is probably not coming back. that the deep love i felt and know, in those moments/months is prob not a sustainable way he can be with anyone. in the above scenario i am seeing many elements of what ive read to be a relationship riddled with adhd one or both partners are not or/newly aware of:

    unable to communicate about the simplest of things, quick to anger, storm off, leave a conflict for the partner to sort out, come to peace with. interpets the most benign things as attacks, reacts as if you are enemy, despite you being a very clean communicator. do not clean up emotional messes. say cruel things even when partner is expressing hurt in a non-blaming way or showing true emotional distress such as crying. slacks on shared responsibilty. cannot see the whole picture..if you stay here and use my car, it would only make sense that you include myself and my child in your life. cannot grasp my hurt: if you ignore me and my child you are going to cause us confusion and longing. cannot grasp cause and effect: if you mess this up, you not only end us but you dont have a place to stay. you have asked for this role of my partner and therefore it is not fair to be the only one in our lives and ignore us.,,if i ask you to touch me, i have experienced your exasperation that i have a need to feel you [low sex drive]. you live in this house, so why would you think that going long stretches of time withoiut making time for me/us would not cause hurt/upset.

    at this point, he moved in july 1, he has spent 7 of the last 22 nights in our bed. my child, who is asleep most times before he gets home, has spent less than an hour with him. 

    he makes no peace here and leaves the conflict to burn itself out. i need to ask him to leave, that adhd is running the show, that the core of respect and human kindness that must have continuity in a relationship is not able to happen with these un-acknowledged Adhd traits.

    is there a way i can do this WITHOUT ME reacting to his anger/upset/blame? I do not want to be destructive to what i feel is going to create a big conflict with him. is there a way i can adhd style communicate what i need to say and not destroy the possibility of him being in our lives as he connects the dots? he truley embraces adhd and takes his meds. i just honestly believe he has no clue to the effect these traits have on love or emotional/intimate relationships. and of course his perceptions are so far off center that he hears things that arent said or repeats what he belives ive said and its not even close. he truly cannot grasp emotional framework within relationships. however, i enjoy his company on lighter levels and i value him as a person and artist. i do not want to be a parent, roomie or shock absorb any more of the consequences of these things to myself or child.

    please let me add that i am a person who is sensitive, i like alot of physical affirmation and i enjoy the feeling-share part of relationships. i like to communicate fully about hurts and hold space for my partner as well as be responded to with heart if i am hurt. i love to feel my partners attraction to me and i love a 3-5 week 'connection'. i do not like conflict or use anger tactics to push a problem away. im not perfect in any way but feel that respect and treatment of our partner is of utmost importance to a relationships sustainability. in this relationship i feel like i am chasing after his initial high, after the feelings he brought about in me, for us and i have a dread that they are gone gone gone.

    to be fair for him: he is in a work transiiton. hes an artist who earns well but is getting ready to leave one company that is failing  for another that is opening. money is kinda tight right now, uncertainty is high and he does not like feeling 'dependant' on me. i respect his guys view point and wanting to have his own place/car/etc. however, i still dont think there is any justification for how he is treating me--withdraw, anger, defensiveness, making me out to be needy. i feel it is destructive but also wonder if these other conditions could be triggering him in such a way that he is overwhelmed and flooded and has nothing to give/say/offer.

    to sum it up: can i untangle from the mess of ending up in a practical and emotional drain with my adhd guy [whom i love and am still in love with] without destroying the connection that initially brought us together so strongly? and if so, how do i make these distinctive separations from him w/o losing the whole thing. obviously, I have little control in the outcome. I would just like to hear insights and opinions from others on this.

    thanks

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